Authors: Laura Gibson
Chapter Fifteen
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 15th, 2008
Rachel
Rachel hadn’t heard the meeting that went on between Ryan, Jefferson, Caleb and the headmistress, but she had been sitting out in the hall long enough to know what they had done wasn’t going to be taken lightly.
About an hour after everything had started two people Rachel had never met before walked by, each looking at Rachel with the same amount of disdain.
Rachel recognized the dark hair and the sharp features; they must have been the Williams that everyone was so worried about. Jefferson’s parents.
The Williams were some of the wealthiest people in America and they really managed to live by the idea that money couldn’t buy happiness, but it could buy you whatever else you wanted.
Grear had called them when Rachel was in her office and then told Rachel she could wait outside. Now, she had sat here for what felt like forever, waiting for everyone to walk out, to know it was her who said something. That is was Rachel who betrayed them.
Rachel uncrossed her legs and repositioned herself, trying to get the feeling back in her lower half.
Jefferson had asked her not to say anything but Rachel just wasn’t that type of person. Phillips had an integrity as a school and she wasn’t about to let some adolescent boys ruin that integrity. She knew it probably meant the end of her friendship with Jefferson and Ryan, Melody too, but it was the right thing to do and that’s all she had. Rachel didn’t ever want the right thing to not be an option.
After two grueling hours the door finally opened. First the Williams exited, not even bothering to glance in Rachel’s direction this time around. Then Caleb and Ryan, also pretending as if Rachel didn’t exist.
Lastly, Jefferson left the office and a cool breeze followed him, chilling Rachel’s back as it brushed over her.
He looked down at her and she saw the malice in his eyes, the anger and the hatred. They would definitely be talking about this later, whether Rachel wanted to or not.
After that Grear stood in the doorway, looking at Rachel, “You can come back in now.”
Grear informed Rachel the boys had learned their lesson and there was no need to worry about it anymore.
When pressed for more information Grear’s lips became a thin pink line on her face and she reminded Rachel they were essentially good boys and had never really been in trouble before. Why punish them for such a small mistake?
Rachel stared at Grear and knew this would be a moment she would be revisiting for some time in her mind, wondering what that old woman must have been thinking.
Fear does a weird thing to everyone. Whether or not people admit it, they’re all affected by it. And Rachel could see Grear was afraid. Like Rachel she recognized the Williams for what they were and she was afraid.
At this point in time in her life, Rachel had never felt this kind of fear before so she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She followed Grear’s example and tried to ignore it. Will it away and maybe that’s where it would stay.
Agoura Hills, California
June 14th, 2010
Rachel
They had loaded the van with little to no words. No one was sure what they wanted to say to each other and now, there was nothing left to say.
Peter made a brief show of fatherly affection, hugging Rachel and wishing her good luck. His goodbye to Ethan was more bittersweet. They both went in for a handshake and hardly a smile.
Ethan handed him an envelope and shrugged before getting into the van, shouting that everyone should, “hurry the hell up!” because he didn’t want to waste any more time out west than he had too.
Rachel knew he was still angry with Peter, their fight had never been resolved, but what she could do now? They were their own people and she couldn’t control their feelings towards one another.
Now, they had been on the road for close to fourteen hours and it was Kelly’s turn at the wheel.
Rachel was tired, but she couldn’t imagine sleeping in the back of the van where Logan and Ethan could be heard snoring softly, so she sat in the passenger seat and pretended like she wasn’t going to her funeral.
“
I’m sorry about what happened with Melody.” Kelly said, never taking his eyes off the road. “I know she was your friend.”
“
She was your friend too.” Rachel pointed out, looking out her own window.
“
A long time ago, maybe, but not for a while.” Kelly answered, as if the truth hurt to say, “She was more Anna’s friend than mine. But you knew that.”
Rachel kept looking out the window, she did know that. She had found out more about Anna than she had asked for and still, she knew there was more. There would always be more. Between Jefferson and Kelly, you just couldn’t walk away from someone’s life and not expect it to follow you.
Rachel nodded, “I wish I would have ended things differently.”
Kelly made a face, “Me too.”
Rachel looked at him and gave him a sad smile, “That’s because you’re a good person.”
Kelly’s lip ticked up in half a smirk and he chuckled low in his throat, “No I’m not, Rachel.”
Rachel rolled her eyes. It was the argument they always circled. The question of whether or not Kelly was a good person.
“
I’m not that different from Jefferson and you know it.” Kelly continued, “I’m just-” He stopped himself and cleared his throat, but didn’t finish his sentence.
“
You’re nothing like Jefferson Williams.” Rachel’s voice was softer, like she was still trying to convince herself. Kelly had so many secrets, she wasn’t altogether sure she knew who he was, but she knew one thing, he was better than Jefferson. He strived to be better, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
“
Rachel, when we get to Charleston a lot of things are going to go down.” Kelly licked his lips, “And I want you to know, it’s okay, you don’t have to protect me anymore.”
Rachel looked at him and wanted to reach out to him, to let him know no matter what happened, she owed him her life, she would always protect him. She opened her mouth to protest, but he shook his head.
“Rachel, I’m not a good person and its time you accepted that.” Kelly rubbed his face and concentrated on the road, “Jefferson was my best friend for years. Try to remember that.”
Rachel shifted uncomfortably but didn’t say anything.
She had put the letter from Jefferson in her purse that was now next to her feet and she could feel the pressure from it against her leg. She hadn’t read it yet. Couldn’t read it. Didn’t want to know what it said.
Rachel looked at Kelly and sighed, it was time.
Slowly, tentatively, she grabbed the purse and unzipped it. The letter was there, of course, sitting on top, right where she had put it.
Now was the time to find out what he wanted to say.
Rachel bent one corner and peeled open the envelope. Slowly, with cold shaking hands, she pulled the letter out and unfolded it.
At first, her eyes didn’t focus in on the words; she just stared at the handwriting. It was clean, well thought out words written in black ink.
She felt her core begin to tremble and Kelly put his hand on her shoulder, “Are you alright?”
Rachel didn’t look at him, but she nodded, never taking her eyes off the page. “It’s from Jefferson.”
Kelly was quiet, but she knew he was still looking at her, waiting for her to say something more.
But now Rachel was reading. What could he possibly want to say to her now?
My dearest Rachel,
I know it must sound out of place, but I miss your friendship. Your morals were an unwavering anchor of purity in what was a sea of ambiguous grey areas. You had a calming center that always pointed me north, and now I can’t help but feel that center is a void in my life. A blackness I can’t fight out of. I think we both know now Melody was our lasting connection and in her absence we have grown apart. I know your falling out wasn’t planned, but it still remains that it was unavoidable, especially after everything that happened.
How’s your stomach? After that nasty fall, I always wondered if it healed properly or if there was a scar. You know, if there was a scar, at least you’d have something to show for it. Battle wounds are always more fun to talk about when other people can see them. Don’t you think?
After our last conversation I decided I needed to make a few changes in my life, I do hope you approve of them. Above all others, it is your approval I seek. After all, you were always so willing to point out my failures. My honest Rachel.
Don’t respond if you don’t feel compelled to, I know what you’ll say. But I look forward to seeing you. We all do.
Just don’t let the tears ruin your makeup; I know how hard you work at appearances.
With all my love,
Jefferson
Chapter Sixteen
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 16th, 2008
Rachel
“
You don’t wanna fuckin’ cross me, Rachel.” Jefferson was standing there in her dorm room, his face a red and purple mess of anger and frustration, his chest heaving up and down, nervous sweat beginning to run down his face and dampen his dark hair.
His normally black eyes, calm and slightly devilish were now wide with his rage and Rachel could make out the different colors of his irises, pretty things in the light of the afternoon sun, even if their hate was trained on her.
Jefferson was pointing at her and her alone, but the rest of the room felt his wrath, even if they didn’t want to.
They had all been discussing the winter formal that was just a few short months away and Melody was taking notes before Jefferson burst in. Rachel could see out of the corner of her eye Melody hadn’t even put her pen down yet. Her hand was still raised above the pad of paper, as if she still waiting for directions on when to take dictation.
The silence that followed Jefferson’s threat was only filled by the soft whir of the ceiling fan and Jefferson’s own heavy breathing.
Rachel could feel the uneasy eyes of the girls around her and she wondered what they would say after he left. Some of them, Janice Marcus to be certain, were more than a little affected by Jefferson’s outburst. She would probably be applauding him if she wasn’t so frightened now.
“What did I do, Jefferson?” Rachel asked, calmly, coolly, trying to feel like she was still in control of the situation. She knew very well what she had done, and she knew Jefferson knew as well, she just wanted to hear him say it.
Jefferson’s lip curled into a sneer while he thought of all the different words he could use, he could answer her simple question, or he could bring out his anger once more and use it like a club on all the young women in the room.
On the opposite end of the scale, Rachel took a deep breath in and then exhaled, trying to keep the fear at bay, trying to tell herself everything was going to turn out alright in the end. Jefferson was just letting off some steam.
She sized up the creature in front of her and tried to remember him as Jefferson Williams, her friend, Melody’s boyfriend, perfectly collected, charming boy that had all of Phillips in a swoon whenever he was around but it was extremely difficult when all she saw was a crazy person.
“You know what, fuck you, Rachel.” Jefferson had finally decided on the words he wanted to use and he spit them out like hot oil. “You know what you did and you had no right. No right!” He finished the last bit with another shout and Rachel was forced to swallow her anxiety.
“
I’m sorry you feel that way, Jefferson.” She started, already seeing it on his face he was going to interrupt her. This was his show after all, he didn’t want her steal it.
“
Don’t even give me that fuckin’ bullshit.” Jefferson half slurred and Rachel wondered if it was possible for someone to be drunk on rage.
But now Jefferson was so worked up as he pronounced his last sentence, a certain amount of spittle dribbled out of his mouth and down his chin. He either didn’t know or didn’t care, Rachel bet on the latter, and therefore didn’t wipe it away.
A droplet of it caught the light and Rachel looked at the way it shone, almost sparkling. Rachel blinked and tried to think of something more to say to Jefferson but she came up short, her words had failed her.
“
Jeff, let’s talk about this.” Melody had finally put down her pen and was standing, trying to talk to her boyfriend, trying to find him in the angry creature standing in front of them.
Rachel wasn’t sure if she felt respect for Melody or revile she would dare consider this egocentric maniac to be susceptible to logic. Melody always did have a tender spot for the unlovable and Rachel was afraid how far that would take her. Or if it would just take her completely.
Rachel stifled a shiver that had collected between her shoulder blades and threatened to run the length of her spine. She didn’t want to think about these things, not here and now. She wanted to wait till she was alone and could write it all down.
Isn’t that why she had hit ‘record’ on the tape player in her bag? Deep down, Rachel knew Jefferson was dangerous and even if her conscience mind didn’t want to deal with it, she was willing to follow whatever path her survival instincts took her on.
Jefferson looked at Melody like he finally realized there were other people in the room, the entire dance committee, in fact. His black eyes going from a blaze to finally alert, as if he was just now assessing what he was saying.
He took a step back, trying to regain his composure and Rachel could see the vein on his temple lessen in its bulge, the pulsating slowing dramatically, and she no longer feared he was going to have an aneurism.
Melody was walking towards Jefferson and Rachel wondered if that really was the best idea. He didn’t look half as dangerous as he had before, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. He still resembled a caged animal and Rachel knew it was only a matter of time before he would lash out again.
Still she watched the small woman put her hands on Jefferson’s shoulders in an attempt to sooth him and it looked like it was working.
“Maybe you should take a walk, Jeff.” Melody murmured and Rachel could see Jefferson nodding, agreeing with her, his shoulders trembling as his anger subsided.
“
I think you and Rach can talk about this later.” Melody whispered, as if consistently lowering her voice was what was getting Jefferson to rethink his plan of attack.
Jefferson swallowed and nodded, “You’re right.” He managed a smile for Melody and Rachel could see the old Jefferson was back, but was he less dangerous?
She stifled a shiver and kept her eyes trained on the couple, knowing the only thing stopping Jefferson right now was Melody, but someday soon that wouldn’t be enough.
Melody’s soft words and kind face wouldn’t be able to stop Jefferson when he had his mind finally made up about everything. That would be two months from this point. Two months was all Rachel had left at Phillips even if she didn’t know it at the time.
Jefferson’s eyes connected back with Rachel’s and he swallowed again, “We’ll talk about this later.”
Rachel nodded, planning on avoiding Jefferson till she had a plan of her own to deal with him, hoping the whole thing would just blow over.
The Williams were rich enough, they would make sure it would stay out of the papers and Jefferson would be getting nothing more than a slap on the wrist. What was the big deal? It wasn’t like there was going to be any real consequences, she just didn’t want to see Phillips get hurt but a bunch of lazy teenagers trying to get an easy grade.
When everything all came down, it was always about Phillips. Phillips her home, the place where her truest loyalty laid, she would protect it with all she had because it had given her so much.
Deep down Jefferson must have known that. He must have, it was the only reasonable explanation for what he did next. He wanted to feel invincible, and he knew he had to get Rachel out of the picture.
Two birds with one stone, wasn’t that how the saying goes?
Rachel looked at his hawk-like features and felt the will to survive welling up in her core, making her know she would never let him win. Not for anything.
He left and Melody closed the door after him, locking it and leaning against it, her small frame shaking from her own frayed nerves.
“You have to tell someone.” Elizabeth Brever said after sometime of silence.
Both Rachel and Melody looked at Elizabeth, with her too red hair and her perfect pouty lips, knowing she was only being logical, even if she was posing the impossible.
Rachel had always liked Elizabeth, she had the same drive for perfection Rachel possessed, but now, Rachel could see their differences.
“
This really needs to be reported.” Heather Kroll spoke up, her face holding the same shock all of them felt.
Already Melody was shaking her head back and forth, trying to communicate the words she just couldn’t form, even if they were all over her face for anyone to read. No one had to report this. No one should say anything. Rachel had already stood up for what she believed in and look at the mess she was in.
“Heather’s right.” Elizabeth was more adamant this time around, “I’ve heard stories about him from upper classmen; he’s dangerous.”
It was Janice that was the first to speak out in defense of Jefferson, “He was just mad guys, that doesn’t make him a bad person.”
Rachel could practically taste the eye rolls that followed suit and she knew Janice’s opinion wasn’t a popular one.
“
You heard about what he did last year, didn’t you? He got suspended for a month.” Elizabeth’s eyes were narrow and her bottom lip was trembling, mad that Janice would even pose the idea Jefferson was only acting like a regular person would.
“
That was last year.” Janice stood her ground, “And really, does anyone believe Kelsey Horowitz?”
The shiver between Rachel’s shoulder blades finally got the best of her and it shook her torso almost violently. She had heard about Kelsey alright, everyone had, but it was just a rumor. A silly rumor told by a silly girl who was just looking for attention. Isn’t that what the teachers had told everyone while trying to quell the mindless chatter that was preparatory gossip?
Heather turned away from Janice and looked straight on at Rachel now, “You need to report this.”
And Rachel would have reported it. She really would have, but that would only put more pressure on her, and more pressure on Phillips. She wanted to report it, but in the end she couldn’t.
And Melody knew that, and Jefferson knew that, and everyone sitting in that room looking at her knew it.
She couldn’t say anything about what happened, because it would just cause more violence. It would just cause another outburst in her direction and she didn’t feel like dealing with it. Besides, she had so much more to get done. There was the winter formal everyone was so worked up about. And she could always use more time to get farther ahead in her classes, not to mention Ryan’s birthday in a month.
Rachel swallowed her fear, anxiety, and guilt all in one gulp and pressed ‘stop’ on the tape recorder. She had her proof, her evidence of her own negligence and she would consider all of her options later, but not right now. Now was not a time for action, but a time for retreat and sequester.
But Rachel was only staving off the inevitable. Deep down she knew that. That’s why she had been recording their conversations for a few weeks now. Kelly had told her to protect herself and she was. Or at least, she had talked herself into believing she was.