Keep it Secret (27 page)

“Wait, why did you bring me
here to tell me that?”

“Oh, damn! See, you made me
all nervous I completely forgot my speech.”

“Your speech?”

“Yeah, the speech where I
tell you that here was the place where I first laid eyes on your
gorgeous face and was instantly drawn to you.” My heart fluttered
and I’m consumed with his love and how sweet he is. Abruptly, I
stop to wrap my arms around his neck bringing him down to me for a
kiss. How could I be shy and timid around a guy who makes me feel
beautiful and protected? He deserves a good kiss at the very least.
I take the initiative and try to give him the best kiss I can
muster up as I let him go. His eyes are stilled closed and he’s
breathing rapidly making me feel like a rock star.

“Wow.” He said. “Promise me
if I win that’s the kind of kiss, I’ll get.” I giggled and
agreed.

“I can’t wait to see how you
look in your gear? I love the spandex you guys wear. It’s very
manly.”

“It’s called a singlet, if
you're going to tease me at least have the correct wordage.” I
laughed as we enter the gym, hugging him bye I wish him
luck.

Spotting my parents, I hike
up the bleachers to sit down not knowing my goodbye would be
forever.

While he lay on the mate
lifeless I sat in my seat paralyzed not able to move as people
scrambled to leave in a panic. His head was tilted in my direction.
All I could see were his beautiful blue eyes. My vision was blocked
every time someone ran in front of me, but it never broke my stare.
The color of his face was draining, but his eyes still looked
vibrant and alive. The screaming faded and all I could hear was
white noise. I couldn't grasp how just minutes ago we were laughing
and kissing. And now he was gone I knew from this day going forward
I would never be the same again. He was gone, I would never see him
again, never hug him, feel his warmth, be touched by his
gentleness. How was this possible? I faintly felt a heavy hand on
my shoulder rocking me back and forth. My head slowly turned to my
left. I could clearly see my father’s mouth move mouthing my name,
but I couldn't hear anything his expression was filled with panic
and fear something I’d never seen on him before. My father’s left
hand reached over to my right shoulder and continued to shake me
with force, my head turned once again to see his hand on my
shoulder and slowly back to his face.
I
can’t hear you
, I said in my head. I
couldn't make my lips move or make a noise. Looking back to where
Gabriel was lying he was no longer there and the gym was virtually
empty. My chest began to rise and fall faster than I could catch my
breath panic filled my veins. I couldn't breathe. Daddy positioned
himself in front of me gripping the sides of my arms as he forced
me to stand. My legs trembled they were too weak to hold me up, at
the same time feeling like they were made out of stone. My mind
became cloudy and suddenly I felt too tired to keep my eyes open,
too tired to keep breathing. I closed my eyes and drifted to a
place where I could still hear Gabriel’s sweet voice.

Ava

Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy,
it's a leading cause of sudden cardiac arrest in young athletes.
The fact that his heart—the best thing about him—was damaged didn’t
compute. How was that possible? After Mallory and Talon both
dragged me out of the gym I fell to my knees and laughed. My body
shook in delusion all I could do was laugh because it was
un-fucking-fathomable that he was dead. I was hysterical to the
point where Mallory and Talon contemplated on taking me to a
psychiatric hospital.

Vanessa

I woke up in a hospital bed
hours later Mother was sitting on a chair across from me. She was
draped over the chair with her legs stretched in front of her both
elbows resting on each armchair. Her head tilted back against the
wall, eyes closed. I looked out the window as it started to snow,
the sky was a bitter gray and I had difficulty understanding why
God was angry when he had gained an angel, he should be
happy.

“You’re awake.” Mother said,
her voice was shaken I silently nodded still looking out the
window. I heard her ruffling through her purse. “She's awake,” she
said to someone, I assumed she was speaking on her phone probably
talking to my father. “All right, be carful. It's starting to snow.
Okay, see you soon.”

“How long have I been here?”
I asked, not making eye contact with her.

“Nine hours” she replied.
“After you gained consciousness, you fell asleep.”

“What happened?” I
asked.

“Oh, honey you don't
remember what happened?” Her voice was breaking.

“I know Gabriel’s dead,
Mother. Why am
I
here?” I responded harshly, snapping my head to watch her.
Mother flinched at my words.

“You had a panic attack, you
stopped breathing and fainted.” She said softly. I couldn't
remember the last time she showed so much concern—genuine concern—
towards me. Moments later my dad walked into the room.

“Hey, Princess, how are you
feeling?” I looked at him with distaste I’m freaking fantastic dad,
just a day like any day, you know no big deal. Although there is
this one thing, my boyfriend just died! How the fuck do you expect
me to feel! As if he read my mind he lowered his head in shame and
nodded slowly.

“Forgive me, baby. I wasn't
thinking.” Not in the mood to give him any sort of reassurance, I
looked away and stared at the window again. The voices became
grumbled in the background as I thought of his eyes and lifeless
body.

“Vanessa?” I was yanked from
my thoughts as the doctor called my name.

“Did you hear the doctor,
sweetheart?” mother butted in.

“What?” I asked, still not
making eye contact.

“Does your chest feel heavy?
Are you feeling any chest pains? Any pain at all?” The doctor
repeated himself.

Yeah. Heartbreak.

“No, I'm breathing fine, no
pain.” I responded emotionless.

“Great, we should have you
discharged in about an hour.” My parents continued to thank the
doctor as he left the room. All I could do was stare at the falling
snow the cold crept in this year, it was sunny one day, fiercely
cold the next, much expected from Colorado but I couldn't help but
find some sort of coincidence with what was currently happening in
my life and the cold.

After an hour, I was placed
on a wheel chair and rolled out of the hospital. By the time we
arrived at the house the snow was coming down faster with
snowflakes the size of small dust bunnies, as Daddy ushered me
inside I stopped suddenly and looked up at the gray sky, there was
no way in hell that I felt this much pain if I didn’t love Gabriel.
However, I would never get the chance to tell him in person because
I was too scared. Something I would regret for the rest of my
life.

I love you too,
Gabriel.

Ava

I stayed at Mallory’s house
after that day I couldn't stomach being under the same roof Vanessa
was. I told Mallory everything that had happened between Gabriel
and me. She didn't judge nor did she seem surprised. This time
around I didn't hold back my tears, this time I wasn't strong
enough to lock up my grief. My mind and heart weren’t capable of
closing off anymore heartache. After a full day in bed my body
began going through withdrawals, I’d like to think it was from
losing Gabriel but I knew well it was from alcohol deprivation. No,
longer denying I was an alcoholic at the age of eighteen was enough
to send my mind into a spiraling depression. Mallory was scared out
of her mind after she entered the room and I was on the floor
basically convulsing as I vomited all over the floor.

“I’m calling 911.” She said
frantically reaching for my cell phone.

“No, Mal, I’m fine.” It took
too much energy to get four words out without having to throw up
again.

“Yes, Ava! What the fuck do
you expect me to do? —Yes, hello my friend is trembling so badly,
it's making her throw up. Yes, she’s coherent, barely though—no,
she's not on any drugs. Yes, I’m certain—she’s breathing fine. I
hear them. They’re here.” The bedroom door swung open as three
paramedics stormed in.

“What’s your
name?”

“Ava.” I croaked still on
the floor but now in the fetal position.

“Ava, have you taken any
illegal drugs?” The male paramedic said as he flashed a small
flashlight in my eyes.

“Alcohol. Withdrawal.” I
whispered, I felt Mallory's eyes burn a whole in the back of my
head. She had no idea about my demons. No one did.

“All right. Sweetheart, we
have to get you on the stretcher, can you walk?” The female
paramedic asked.

“No.” I replied. “Call
Rose.” I told Mallory before I was picked up, placed on the
stretcher and taken to the hospital.

You never appreciate
pain—emotional pain—until it’s taken from you. Or at least I
didn’t. I thought the last five years I did a pretty awesome job at
keeping the hurt away by having random sex and drinking but
apparently, I didn't do as good of a job as I thought, the moment
the Benzodiazepine flooded my veins, I felt nothing. Everything was
gone just like that. The drug made me incredibly sleepy even though
I fought like hell to stay awake I was too weak and finally
succumbed to my forced exhaustion. Even throughout all this, my one
and only thought was Vanessa, oddly enough. My heart was used to
lose, hers not so much. I wanted to be there for her to console her
and hug her. Tell her time would heal all wounds. There was no way
in hell I was telling her about Gabriel and I now. I was taking
that secret to the grave I’m a coward, I know. In my defense for
self-preservation, I always diminished the relationship between
them. Maybe he truly didn't love her and she never really loved him
but even my own festering heart couldn't erase the image I had of
Vanessa when she looked at Gabriel’s lifeless body. The pain in her
eyes was that of a person losing a loved one. I pushed the feelings
of guilt down there was no need for that until the time
came.

Vanessa

My heart ached for his
mother as I watched her in the front pew her head in a bundle of
tissues. Shoulders jerking up and down as she sobbed. His funeral
was today. Mother and Daddy had agreed to let me come to pay my
respects as long as we didn’t stay too long. Death made my parents
extremely uncomfortable. Maybe, it was too much of a reminder of
what they did to Ava. These were the toughest three days of my
life. I felt alone like I had never felt before. Gabriel was gone
and I hadn’t seen Ava since the night of his death when she told me
she would meet me at the school. Tears burned behind my eyes, but
they never fell. Mother said everyone grieved differently and I was
still in shock but she promised my tears would come. All it took
was the right trigger.

Ava

I missed his funeral three
days ago. It was now day six of rid ‘Ava of alcohol’ my mind felt
like it was spiraling out of control, the doctors had slowly wean
me off the benzo’s because that in itself can become addicting,
which I thought was sort of fucked up; help me with my addiction to
alcohol by giving me something else that is also highly addictive.
Jesus. Practicing my breathing techniques I was disturbed by a
knock on the door.

“Come in.” I said
repositioning myself on the hospital bed.

“Hello, Ava.” Dr. Charles
walked cautiously further into my room until he was standing at the
end of the bed.

“Dr. Charles, I wasn't
excepting you.”

“Yes, well, I heard what
happened to your friend and I wanted to see how you were doing.” He
responded clearly concerned for my well being, frankly, it made me
uncomfortable I didn't feel like I deserved anyone to worry about
me. Not after what I did to Vanessa.

“I’m doing…fine.” I said,
lifting my arm to draw attention to the IV inserted in my skin,
clearly I wasn't fine.

“It’s all right to be upset
about his death Ava, your guilt can come afterwards. We both know
what happens when you don't deal with your grief.”

“How did you—?

“The first time you spoke
about Vanessa and Gabriel I had an inkling and then when you
brought him to see Kimberly I knew.” Dr. Charles interrupted me to
explain how in all that is holy he was able to figure out the love
triangle I was in. He walked to my side and sat down placing a hand
on my shoulder.

“It’s all right, let it out,
Ava.” I stared into his eyes, something in them said I could trust
him and I felt like he was trustworthy, I let go and like a hammer
to a dam my tears were unleashed. I bit my bottom lip to try and
hold back the sobs, but there was no point. Pain gutted my insides,
sobbing I curled next to him, as he pet my head tenderly like a
father did to his daughter. I wonder if I’m destined to live a life
of heartaches and sadness. Truth, I didn’t deserve to be happy,
everywhere I went a trail of darkness and negativity followed me,
killing anything beautiful that came in contact with me. It wasn’t
until meeting Gabriel that I was brought back from the darkness and
now he was gone, taking with him the last remaining goodness in me.
The scars in my heart he helped heal were now ripped open and there
was no needle sharp enough in this world that could seal them back
up.