“She's gone, Jayd, and she took Rahima with her.” I drop the empty plastic containers in my hand. This isn't supposed to be happening.
“What? How did she get out of town? She doesn't have a car.”
“She must've made a copy of the key and came to get my grandfather's Regal with one of her homies or something, Jayd. I don't know, but what I do know is she's turned off her cell and her grandparents don't know where she is. I knew something like this was going to happen.” Everyone in the shop can hear Rah yelling through the phone, including Mama, who's working in the back.
“I'm sorry, baby. I don't know what to say.”
“You should've never gave her the keys,” he says, hanging up. Mama notices my face and comes out from the back to hug me, but I'm not in the mood.
“What's the use of having dreams if I can't do anything to change them?” I'm starting to really hate my powers.
“You have to have more faith in yourself, Jayd. God doesn't make mistakes, and your ancestors toiled long and hard for our lineage. Don't disrespect it by disrespecting your gifts. Your mother made that mistake and her gift became her torture. Learn form her mistake, Jayd. Seize your blessing.”
“It's not a blessingâthis is a curse,” I say, throwing down the keys to Rah's car, tears falling down my cheeks. How could we lose Rahima in the blink of an eye?
“
Did you just say âwe'?”
my mom asks, invading my mind while Mama's still on my case. Can a sistah catch a break?
“Like I said, learn from your mother's mistakes, Jayd. All of them.”
“I can't help loving Rah's daughter.” I hate it when I whine.
“No, but you can help the way the situation has turned out. Didn't you have a dream about this already?” I recall the night I dreamt of myself falling because I didn't make a clear decision about how to deal with Rah, Jeremy, and Rahima. “It was a premonition that came to serve a purpose. But, as usual, you let your dreams fly by you like you don't know better. The time has come for you to catch the shit before it hits the fan and the only way you can do that is by trusting in your gift of sight completely, chile. Otherwise you're destined to keep moving like you're sleepwalking and that's dangerous in more ways than one.”
“But Mama, I didn't see all of this drama coming at once.” She looks at me and grits her teeth like she used to do when I'd whine as a child. She has no tolerance for whining or lying, and I think she considers me as doing both right now.
“Did I or did I not tell you about my dream of violence and bloodshed? Did you not have a dream about damn-near the same thing? And did we not share a vision together where violence and loss played a significant role? What the hell do you think all of that was, Jayd? We don't get the luxury of dreaming casual dreams.” I look down at my toes and try to hold back my tears but it's no use. Whenever Mama's this mad at me I can't help but let it flow.
“I know, Mama, and I'm sorry, but what could I do?” Mama sternly lifts my chin. She stares at me so intently I can't keep focused on my wet toes much longer. I look up into her bloodshot emerald eyes and get momentarily lost in them.
“You have to be thankful for your powers, Jayd. They're yours to keep whether you like it or not. Maybe if you had to walk in my and Maman's shoes, you'd be a little more grateful for your gift of sight. You can make all of the potions and brownies you want to, but until you respect the real power behind your dreams, all of your support materialsâwhich is exactly what the recipes areâwon't do you much good.”
“But my dream didn't come true. We won the court case without having to go to trial and we still lost Rahima. How am I supposed to foresee that?” Mama lets go of my chin and gets back to work.
“Because you know Sandy's unpredictable at best.” I know she wants to say crazy but she's trying to be nice. “Your dream didn't say anything about him losing in court, which he didn't. You have to pay close attention to the warnings present, and respond accordingly. Think outside of the box when helping clients and yourself, Jayd.”
Mama's right. I've been too busy caring about everyone's feelings to do my job effectively.
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After I get off work, I leave Rah's car at Netta's and drive my raggedy car two miles from the shop to my daddy's house and decide to park it in his driveway. He can figure out what to do with this piece of crap. I'm done being weighed down by this mess. I only keep what I want to, not what someone thinks I should have. I get out of the car, remove the few things I have in it and leave the keys in the ignition. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will steal it. At least then I'll get some of my money back.
I carefully close the door so as not to draw any attention to myself. I know at this time of evening my daddy and stepmom are in the back watching television or asleep on their matching his-and-hers couches. I want to get out of here without confrontation. Luckily he lives two houses from the corner and the bus stops only a block after that. If I have to take the bus from now on, so be it. I'd rather keep it moving like that than be dependant on an undependable ride and man.
“I'm proud of you, girl,”
my mom says, making my personal moment not so private.
“By the way, Karl said I can roll the Camry and you can roll my ride indefinitely. So, you're not alone. The car is yours to keep for as long as you need it, baby.”
“For real, Mom?”
I think back. I take a seat at the bus stop, watching the cars go by and pray that she's not playing with me.
“Yes, girl. Would I play with you about something as serious as this? He sees how hard you're hustling and wants to help and it just so happens he can. You can say thank you when you see him next weekend. Bye, baby, and be safe getting back.”
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When I finally make my way back to my mom's house in Rah's car, it's late and I'm tired to the bone. I have clients around the neighborhood all day tomorrow and I still have to get ready for school next week. It's the start of a new semester but I have a feeling it's going to be the same old drama. With Nigel and Mickey both out of my day-to-day life and Nellie sucking Chance even deeper into her fake world, I don't know who I'm going to hang with. Jeremy's proven yet again to be unsympathetic toward the tales from my hood, and I don't know if I want to hang around him like that right now. Maggie and her crew are the only ones who seem to understand me fully, and that resonates with how I'm feeling right now.
Making my way into the dark apartment, I trip over my own shit blocking the door. When I left this morning I was in such a hurry that I left my weekend bag, as well as other things, laid out on the floor. Lucky for me my mom's spending more and more time at Karl's, which leaves me to be a slob on the weekends if I so choose.
“I need to get organized,” I say aloud to myself. My backpack is filled with old letters, miscellaneous papers, and other things that have no place in my life anymore. I separate the important stuff from the trash and throw the trash away. My letters go in my letter box, which I keep in the bottom of my mom's living room closet.
When I open the plain wooden box that I made in shop class in junior high, the first thing that pops out of the overstuffed thing is a letter from Rah. It's so old and has been read and reread so many times it's falling apart.
Dear Jayd,
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I know I messed up big time, but I want to make it up to you. Please forgive me, girl. You know I never meant to hurt you. That's why I didn't tell you about me and Sandy or about our daughter. If I could go back in time and change everything, I would.
But I can't and I also can't live without you. Please talk to me. I love you, Rah.
I never got over the pain he caused me when he betrayed my trust. I know he feels now that in his mind I've done the same thing, but I couldn't prevent Sandy from taking off with Rahima. I hope he understands the limitations of my powers one day. I hope I understand them, too. Until then, I have to work with what I've got and hope for the best. Tonight is all about resting and trying to shake off this week. Everything else will have to wait until I wake up.
Epilogue
A
fter braiding hair all day and pressing Shawntrese's hair, I'm tired out of my mind. Rah texted me and told me to leave his car at my mom's and he'll get it when he can. I drove my mom's car home for the first time and almost broke my neck trying to shift her clutch. I know the basics of driving a stick, but it's going to take time to get used to it. I even had to put away my iPod so that I could focus better. I'm sticking to driving the streets until I get the hang of it. I already called Mama and told her I was coming home by myself. I also told her I needed to talk about all that's happened and she's waiting with open arms. I hope those arms come with a plate of food because a sistah's starving. I haven't had a chance to eat all day and could use some of her home cooking to make me feel better.
When I get home, Mama's out back working and not in the kitchen cooking, which is where I had hoped to find her. I guess it's another burger-and-fries type of night for me. I should've stopped somewhere on my way home, but maybe I can go out and get something after I talk to Mama.
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“Tragedy happens, loss happens, and death happens. That is what this odu states,” Mama says, reclaiming the small cowrie shells spread out on the mat before giving them another throw. How Mama keeps all of the oduâor spiritual storiesâin her head still amazes me. But she does, and insists on giving me another reading.
“So, there's nothing I can do?”
Mama breathes deeply and looks up at me before throwing the shells again. “You have to use your gift of sight to see the unseen. For you that means learning how to control your dreams and read them properly. Without cultivating your gifts you won't get very far,” she says, putting the shells back in their box and rising from the mat. Mama was in the middle of her Sunday gardening and personal time in the spirit room when I got home. I feel honored she stopped her work to help me.
“I guess the only thing we can do is deal with the past and keep moving through the present. You have life so you must live,” Mama says, heading back outside to till the garden. She's always careful not to damage the plants while she pulls out the weeds, a skill I have yet to acquire.
“I know, Mama. It's still hard, though, knowing I'm never going to see Tre around the block again and that my own homegirl is indirectly responsible for it.” Mama looks at me and arches her eyebrow like she does when she wants to state the obvious but stops herself. I know Mickey is a little more responsible than that, but she didn't pull the trigger so I can't blame it all on her.
“You have the power to change only yourself and that means you can't change the people you associate with either. We've already talked about frenemies and other harmful people in your life. If the friends around you are doing more harm than good, it's time to let them go, and you can't feel bad about that. All growth demands shedding. Look at these squash. Now, when I first planted the seeds they had to struggle to get out of the ground. They have to deal with other plants trying to stunt their development, not because they mean to but because that's what weeds do. To move toward the sun, toward the fruition of their purpose, the weeds have to be killed, and as the plants' caretaker, that's my job.”
“Are you saying I need to weed out my friends because they're not growing with me? Then I'll have no one left.”
“It's like anything in life, Jayd. It's precious while it's right here in front of you. But when it's gone, you can no longer cherish the physical. Now, that doesn't mean that you forget about it or neglect the memory. But you can't let the past be your crutch. If there are issues you need to deal with in the past that are keeping you from moving forward, then deal with them.” Now that's the best advice I've heard all day. I have to find a way to fix all of the mistakes I've made in the past regarding my friendships, especially with Rah. I have to figure out a way to get his daughter back and how to keep Sandy from getting away with taking Rahima again. And if controlling my dreams is the first step to doing that, I'm all for it.