Keep Her (21 page)

As I drove home, I tried to distract myself and drown out the voices in my head with the radio. Of course, as if it were a blaring warning that my mind was only allowed to focus on one thing, Justin Timberlake’s
Mirrors
was the first song that came on.

In the last week with Beck we’d referenced JT and
Cabaret
at least a hundred times. It was becoming an ongoing joke—
our
ongoing joke. I wasn’t crazy! We already had our own private things. That’s how great relationships started. Unfortunately, exes coming back into the picture was one of the reasons great relationships ended.

The song continued in the background while my worries ran on in the forefront of my mind, but when Justin sang
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose you now, I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me,
my eyes began to tear up. The thought of not being with Beck was something I didn’t want to face. But the idea of not being with him
and
having to see him around Marcus,
with
Marissa—now that just made me want to rip her eyeballs out. I’d let down my guard for Beck, but I wasn’t about to give him the power to crush my heart.

Imagine my surprise when I turned the corner, pulled my car into the driveway, and nearly ran over my ex-girlfriend. Not the welcome home I was expecting—I wasn’t expecting
any
welcome home. In fact, after I settled in I’d planned on texting Riley and asking her to come over to continue what we’d re-started this weekend. I didn’t want to be alone tonight. Not after seeing how distraught Marcus was since Tessa walked out. The idea of one more second apart from Riley rattled my cage in a weird way. And now—now my cage would have to remain locked tight as I dealt with the dramatic bullshit that was about to unfold.

As I put the car in park and swung my door open, Marissa strolled over to me with her head hung low. She looked unruffled, no sign of crying, but I knew her better than that. She didn’t usually cry when she was upset—she paced, overthought, lost sleep. She would dissect the problem endlessly, coming up with scenarios that were so far-fetched they were impossible. In hindsight, I’d
rather
see her cry when something bothered her. Her analytical way of dealing with her emotions only made her seem cold and calculated now. Like it wasn’t her heart she was worried about, rather her reputation or her dignity that she needed to uphold. She wasn’t upset over losing me because she loved me and couldn’t live without me. She was upset that she’d lost something in general. Marissa always needed to win.

“Hey,” she finally said, still looking down at her feet, but acting as if it were completely normal to be here waiting for me.

“What are you doing here, Ris?” There was no reason to beat around the bush.

“Hi to you too.” This time her tone matched mine.

I wasn’t exactly happy to see her. Not that I had any ill feelings toward her, but I wasn’t ready to face her just yet. She had said she wanted a break and I was giving her that break. I couldn’t exactly tell her,
“Oh, by the way, while we’ve been on our break for what, seven days, I started seeing someone else. And I really like her and I want to see where it goes with her, so, mind leaving now so I can call her to come over?”

“I miss you, Beck. I think I made a mistake.” This time her eyes met mine, and for the first time since I’d known her, sadness was clear on her face.

Shit.
Wasn’t expecting that. I couldn’t tell her to leave.
I
wasn’t heartless. Just because I didn’t want to be with her anymore, didn’t mean I could be a dick. “Let me get my stuff and we’ll go inside,” I offered, waving my hand toward my front door and then turning around to grab my duffel from the back seat.

She stood behind me in silence as I unlocked the door to the apartment. Something we’d done together so many times before—usually with her hand in mine, or resting on my shoulder—seemed odd and uncomfortable now. It was funny how I’d managed to change my whole perception of our relationship in such a short amount of time. I guess I was right when I’d told Riley love makes you do crazy things. It apparently had me thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn’t feel like spending the rest of my evening with.

It sounded harsh, but I really wasn’t trying to be. I was rejected by Marissa when I asked her to move in and forced into a break that I didn’t want. Followed by the truth about what people thought of my girlfriend all this time. All topped off with a kicker—connecting the way I did with Riley Grayson.

It was a lot to deal with in only a week’s time. A lot to hold resentment about. A lot to change my mind about.

Switching on the light, I plopped my bag down on the floor and made my way into the tiny room where we’d spent so many nights cuddled up on my couch, watching a movie or making out. I almost suggested sitting at the kitchen table so she wouldn’t get the idea of falling into old habits, but again—I didn’t want to be a prick. I wanted this to end as amicably as possible.

“Come. Sit. Tell me what’s up.” I tried smiling and making light of the situation, but I was so nervous about letting her down that I couldn’t be comfortable in my own place.

“Were you at the lake house?” She started with small talk. She knew where I was, she didn’t need to ask.

“Yup. You knew I’d be there. You were supposed to be there with me.”

Leaning her head back on the couch, she sighed. “I know. And I’m kicking myself for
not
being there. It would have been a good time—together. I miss us—together.”

I had to deflect the serious tone of the conversation. She thought she was here to get back together. I didn’t want that anymore. “Ris, it’s only been a week. You haven’t even had time to miss me yet.”

She rose from slouching and grabbed my hands in hers. “That’s just it. When we were together a week seemed to fly by because of work and school and studying. But this week—it was the longest week of my life. I thought about you every second. About what a mistake I made. How stupid I was for panicking when you asked me to move in. I want all of those things with you, Beck. I thought it was too soon, but I’d rather do it your way than no way at all.”

She might have meant well, but she wouldn’t have said that if she knew how it sounded to me. “Listen to what you’re saying, Marissa. It’s normal to miss someone after seeing them regularly and then quitting them cold turkey. I’m sorry things turned out this way.” I tugged at the hem of my T-shirt to keep my hands busy; any physical contact would be misleading. “I missed you, too, but I don’t want you to take the next step and move in with me just because you’re afraid the chance won’t come up again. Doing something for someone else only leads to resentment. I don’t ever want you to resent me because I made you do something you weren’t ready to do.”

“I thought I wasn’t ready. I think I am now. I’m scared to let you slip away, Beck.”

I wanted to ease her worry, but I couldn’t lie. I didn’t still want the things I wanted last week—I didn’t want the
person
I wanted last week.
Seven days. Seven days.
It only took seven days for my world as I knew it to be completely transformed. It took less than seven minutes of seeing Marissa again to know she wasn’t my future anymore. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t promise you that anymore.”

Her eyes grew scary wide. Like pop-out-of-your-skull wide. “
What?
Seriously? This break wasn’t meant to be a break-up, Beck. It was just a temporary separation to take a breather from each other. To clear our heads and focus on other things.”

How could I tell her that that was exactly what I
had been
doing? I’d certainly been focusing on other things—Riley in particular. If I wasn’t flirting with her in a cab, screwing her brains out on her couch, sexting her from the firehouse, making love to her at the lake house, or having dirty dreams about her, I was thinking about her non-stop.

My brain was warped by the newness of it all. And where I thought this weekend was one of the best I’d ever had with any girl—our connection insurmountable, our time together crazy and intense—maybe I was jumping the gun. It had nothing to do with seeing Marissa again. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, but maybe this was an eye opener. Maybe I needed to take a step back and regroup before I hurt anyone else.

“Say something!” she yelled, breaking me of my fucked-up realization. “What are you thinking right now?”

Without making it any harder than it had to be, I just came out with it. “I’m thinking that it’s over. We don’t want the same things we used to want, babe. It took being apart to make me realize it and I’m sorry. I am truly sorry that it didn’t work out for us because I did love you and I do think you are an incredible person, but—”

“But I’m just not the person for you anymore.” She finished my sentence better than I could have. When she gulped back what seemed to be the first sign of tears all night, I reached up to wipe away the single one that escaped and trickled down her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Ris. Please don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry too. I feel like I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Pssssh.” I lifted her chin with my finger and smiled. “There are so many better things that are going to happen to you. You’re going to be one hot-to-trot kick-ass lawyer, for starters. And once you’ve changed the legal world with your tough-as-nails, no-bullshit attitude, you’re going to do all the things I was trying to make you do way too soon.”

Shaking her head and sniffling back the last of the tears, she said, “I hope so. I hope this isn’t a huge mistake… for either of us.”

It was her truth about what she was feeling and a warning all rolled into one. It was as if she was saying,
“Here’s your last chance, Buster.”
But I was firm in what I felt. This was the best thing for us. We needed to sever our ties and go our separate ways. It was the only way to move on.

After Marissa and I said our final goodbyes and promised to remain friends with that vow that most couples pledge at the end of a break-up, I kicked my feet up on the couch and took out my phone.

I wanted to text Riley. I was dying to talk to her again, but the whole thing with Marissa had me thinking. What kind of moron jumps into something serious two minutes after leaving something serious? It was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t want Riley and me to end up a disaster. I wanted to do things right with her. When the time was right. I needed more time before I spoke to her again.

So I decided to text Marcus to check in on him.

Me:
Dude, you holding up okay?

Marcus:
Just fucking perfect! You sure you don’t know where she is?

Me:
Nope, sorry. No word from her I guess.

Marcus:
Nope. What are you up to? Want to grab a beer?

Me:
Nah. Exhausted. Just had it out with Marissa and I need to call it a night.

Marcus:
She called? You back together?

Me:
No. She was here waiting for me when I got home. Not good, but we’ll talk about that later.