Authors: Nyrae Dawn
I fought the scoff that begged to come out of my mouth at that one.
“I got in an argument with this guy at a party and I left by myself. Well, he had something else in mind, followed me, and when I tried to run away, he grabbed my arm. It was like your father came out of nowhere. I’ve never seen a real fight before, but I’m pretty sure even if I had, watching him would still be something spectacular. He wouldn’t walk away until the boy apologized and then he offered to bring me home.” She’s smiling and I bet she doesn’t realize it. I’m smiling too.
“I can’t believe I got in the car with him. This guy I didn’t know, but I did and we stayed out all night just driving around and talking. He was smart, so smart, Abbs. And so sweet. I’d never met anyone like him.”
Goosebumps traveled up and down my body. She loved him so much. It drips from her words. From the sigh slipping between her lips. Mom’s wringing her hands together, not looking at me anymore, but I’m sure at her memories of him, instead.
“I think I fell in love with him that very night. We were inseparable after that. I was in my senior year, and he worked a full time job, but we spent every evening together. We’d dance, talk, whatever I wanted. For the first time in my life I had someone who cared what
I
wanted. My parents weren’t like that. It was always about what they wanted, but not with Christopher.”
I gasped. Christopher. How could I not have known my own father’s name?
“With Christopher, it was always about me.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes. I’m trying to see what she sees, those memories of her past with my dad, but of course, I can’t. My cheeks ar
e wet and I realize I’m crying. One look at Mom shows me she is too.
When she looks at me again, it’s as though she found a way to turn off all the emotion. All those little bits and pieces of my dad she let come to the surface, she’s pushing away again. “But things change. They’re not always what you think they are. Come on, kiddo. Let’s head home.”
Just like that, our conversation is over.
***
This morning, I use more than just Mom’s perfume. I spread a little gloss on my lips, but then take it off again. If there’s going to be any kissing going on, I want to taste Caleb and not artificial strawberries. I dig out a really cute yellow shirt from the back of my closet. It’s much more girly than the t-shirt hoodies I usually wear. I’m ready about ten hours…okay, maybe thirty minutes before I’m supposed to meet him, so I spend the morning pacing my living room and hoping to burn off some the nervous energy before I see him again.
About three minutes before I’m supposed to meet him, I skip down my stairs. As soon as I turn onto the street, I see him waiting for me. His back is to me, but it’s like he hears me and turns to look at me too.
I blow out a deep breath.
Come on, Abbs. You can do this.
My feet start carrying me to him. Caleb doesn’t come toward me, just stands there with his hands buried deep in his pockets. It takes about three years before I reach him, or at least that’s what it feels like. “Hey,” I say, knowing it’s lame, but not sure what else to say.
“Hey,” Caleb mumbles back. He gives me a small smile and starts to walk. “You do anything yesterday?”
Thought about you all day.
“Not much. I hung out with my mom all day. We went and watched a movie. You?”
He only shakes his head. I risk glances at him every few minutes while we’re walking. His eyes have dark circles around them and they’re bloodshot. His skin looks pale, paler than usual. He looks tired. More tired than I’ve ever seen him. “Is everything okay?”
He doesn’t even look at me when he talks, his eyes, watching his feet while mine watch him. “Not feeling too hot. I had a bad headache last night and it’s just now wearing off.”
“Did you get any sleep?”
He shakes his head. “I fell asleep a few times, but I kept having crazy-ass dreams. They kept me up and if it wasn’t that, it was the some animal prowling.”
I want to reach for his hand. To somehow hope it makes him feel better, but I’m too scared. What if the kiss was a fluke? “Animal?”
“Yeah, I live in the woods, Abby. Remember? There are animals out there and sometimes I hear them outside the cabin.”
I stumble a little, shocked at how he snapped at me. “Well, sorry.”
“Shit.” He looks at me for the first time. “I feel like crap. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”
“It’s okay.” I wonder why he didn’t just stay home, but don’t ask.
When we reach the grounds of the school, Caleb stops where we always do, down by the tree line. “Well, here we are.” He looks at the ground again while he speaks.
“Here we are.” Please, kiss me. Touch my hand, my shoulder, anything so I know you like me.
He doesn’t. “I have to head up the hill to woodshop.” Woodshop is to the side of the school, up the hill the opposite way from where I’m heading.
“Okay.” Before he can walk away from me, I walk away from him. I stressed and worried for nothing. Did I really expect Caleb to treat me differently? Things will never be different for me.
***
I don’t even open my lunch as I sit by myself in the cafeteria. It’s been a crap day and all I need is a crap lunch to add to it. Caleb’s done his typical disappearing act all morning. I haven’t seen him in the halls once. Today is no different than another other day, but it feels it. Feels lonelier because somehow, I thought he would be by my side.
I open the top of my Pepsi and as soon as it pops, my head jumps up so I’m not looking at the table, but the cafeteria door. Caleb’s standing there, looking around the room. Some of the other people are looking toward the door too, probably wondering what Caleb Evans is doing coming into the lunch room. He’s never in here. He’s usually across the street with his hoodlum friends.
His eyes keep circling around the room and finally they land on me. It’s different than it was this morning, because this time when he sees me, he smiles. I might or might not have given him the biggest smile of my life in return. He starts walking toward me and it takes everything inside me not to walk over and meet him.
“Is this seat taken?” Caleb asks, cocking his head toward the seat beside me.
“Nope.”
He sits down beside me. His thumb brushes my cheek as he sits down. The tingles are back, zipping through my body.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I return and then he leans forward and gives me a quick kiss. I
swear
a chorus starts singing hallelujah somewhere in the lunchroom, but I don’t look.
Caleb ruffles his hair. “Sorry I was a prick this morning. I felt like shit. And…” he looks down, then up at me through his lashes; the vulnerable Caleb’s back. “This is a little…different for me.”
Without hesitation I reach out and grab his hand. “That makes two of us.”
I float through the rest of the school day, riding a Caleb high. When Stacy gives another one of her fake, invasion of the body snatcher, ‘hi’s’, I actually return it this time. Don’t get me wrong. I hate her. We’ll never be friends even if she isn’t just planning something, which I’m sure she is. But I’m too happy to care. I’m too happy to let her get me down and I’m too happy not to let her see it.
When I head out the back door after school, my eyes go straight to the line of trees.
And he’s not there.
I can’t believe he’s not there.
“Hey, Kit—Abby.”
I turn, following the voice and Caleb’s leaning against the building waiting for me. That’s right. For
me
. “Hi.” My whole face flames. What is it about him that turns me into a boiled tomato? Well, if people actually boiled tomatoes, that is.
Caleb pushes off the wall and scratches that back of his head, looking at me. Is he a little unsure too? Not sure if he should hold my hand? I have no idea, but I hope so. It’s not only misery who loves company, but girls in their first relationships too.
He laces his fingers through mine and I seriously have to bite my tongue not to squeal. Cheesy? Yep, but I like cheese. “Can I ask you something?”
Caleb gives me a small shake of his head.
“Why do you stop yourself from calling me Kitten now?”
He gives his head another rub/scratch and I know this is his nervous thing. Mine’s blushing and rambling and his is rubbing his head.
“Your little friend.”
“Huh?”
“The jerk from the kitchen. You must have been too pissed at me to catch that part, but he talked shit about it. I couldn’t care less what he thinks, but I didn’t want to use it if you think it’s lame too.”
I squeeze his hand. Look at me, being all comforting and girlfriend-ish. “Absolutely not. I love it.” And I’m not even too embarrassed to admit it either.
We’re in the woods now, walking on the path that’s so familiar. It’s something else that feels like ours I realize. I know I shouldn’t do it. I’m pretty sure being clingy isn’t considered sexy, but I have to know. “So…you’re leaving when you turn eighteen, right? When’s that?”
Caleb groans. “Two months.”
Two months? That’s nothing. “Why not wait until you graduate? It’s not long after.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. There’s too much shit here. Too many memories, I guess. What’s the difference? Two months? Three months? Three and half? It’s all the same thing.” His words crush me a little.
“Well… a high school diploma for one.”
“Kitten, I could skip every class between now and end of the year and graduate. I could sleep through a GED test and still pass it. School’s not a problem.” He rubs his thumb against my hand. My heart jumps. Will I ever get used to this?
“What do you mean?” I’m not sure how someone can skip almost a whole semester and graduate.
“I’m…nothin’. I don’t want to talk about that, but.” He stops and turns me so I’m facing him. “I can’t stay here. Hell, I would have left a long time ago, but how would I rent a place? Stay in a hotel or anything like that until I’m eighteen. You don’t know what it’s like staying in that house, Abby. The things I see every time I look around it.”
Call me crazy, or I have no idea, but something takes me over. Something that’s not me, but maybe a little bit of the strength Caleb thinks he sees in me, but I quiet him with my mouth, pressing my lips to his. I don’t want him to have to talk about this. To bring up all those memories of his parents. He takes so much of my pain from me; I just hope I can erase some of his.
Caleb moans, taking over by slipping his tongue between my lips. He’s holding my face, then his hands slide behind my neck and thread through my hair. I taste mint. Smell Caleb. Feel his warmth encasing me as our mouths move together and our tongues tangle.
It’s me who moans—or I guess I groan—when he pulls away. He twists a lock of hair around my face. “You’re always so shy and I like it, but you’re getting more comfortable around me and I like that more. I’m not sure I really deserve it, but when I’m with you, you kind of make me feel like I do.”
Before I have the chance to ask him what he means, he has my hand again and we’re walking again. Toward home. Away from this solace I have with him.
Gabe shows up at my work a little after 7:00. Like always, I’m a mixed-up ball of emotions because there’s a part of me that’s really excited to see him. I like Gabe. I don’t like him the way I like Caleb, but I do care about him. He’s a friend and that means a lot to me. Then there’s that other part of me that knows it would be easier if I wasn’t friends with Gabe, because of how Caleb feels about him. Of course, I don’t get
why
he feels that way, but for some reason, he thinks Gabe’s trouble.