Fidelia frowned. “We don’t want to be The Savage Bunch! We demand to be called The Wild Bunch!”
“That’s much better,” said Chess with approval.
Zeke raised a fist in the air. “The Wild Bunch rides again!”
Chess muttered, “He’s just determined to think we’re a bunch.”
Zeke led them to a back office where apparently Rudy Dunraven saw patients. Indeed, Bullet Bob had left a trail of blood on the floorboards, so they could have easily found him anyway.
Rudy Dunraven was a dashingly handsome fellow who was setting Bullet Bob’s broken arm when the bunch entered. Bullet Bob was fairly well thrashed, his shirt torn, nose broken, blood pooling at his feet.
“Bullet Bob!” cried Chess. “What happened? Why did you have to pick on a boxer? You must be more careful.”
Rudy frowned and spoke before Bullet Bob could open his mouth. “I’ll tell you what happened, Mr. Hudson. This shit sack wanted to emulate his hero, Chess Hudson. Since you’re such a well-known killer, having murdered that Morning Star actress with a sword from thirty feet away, this dough-head decided to nab his own actress in the alley behind the gallery.”
“Bullet Bob! You know I didn’t kill Josephine. I was sitting right next to you! If anyone killed her, it’s you and your damned Spanish fly!”
“I know,” Rudy agreed. “Chang will run the
vesicación
test, rubbing her internal organs on a piece of rabbit skin. Although, I wanted to be there to make sure he tells the truth. Chang has every reason to lie, since he was the one who sold this shit sack the poison to begin with.”
“Neil’s with Chang,” Chess told his brother-in-law. “So Alonzo Wilder saw Bullet Bob attacking some girl, and defended her? Good for him.”
“Not exactly,” said Rudy. “Alonzo
was
the girl that Bullet Bob idiotically attacked. Bob had a pistol in his gun belt, but he preferred to attempt to strangle the most well-known pugilist in Laramie.”
“Yeah,” Zeke goofed. “The most well-known pugilist who dresses up as a woman to calm down after his boxing bouts.”
“I had no idea!” Bullet Bob cried. “He looked like a beautiful woman! Chess, I wanted to be like you!”
Fidelia’s jaw dropped, and she was speechless.
Spenser was agape, too, but he was the first to recover. “Alonzo Wilder? Dressed as a woman?”
“Sure as shooting,” said Rudy. He dipped strips of cloth in a bowl of plaster, to wrap around Bullet Bob’s arm for a cast. “You didn’t know Alonzo did that? He gets so worked up during a match it’s his way of calming down. It was only eight in the morning, and this jackass goes and says, ‘Hey, lady’ and whips a necktie around his throat. Alonzo just went loco. Can’t say as I blame him.”
Chess asked, “Is Neil going to lock him up when you’re done doctoring?”
“I don’t think so. Neil doesn’t have much room, and he’s already got a couple real murderers clogging up his holding cell. And Bullet Bob needs to put on his play.”
“The show must go on!” cried Bullet Bob.
Chess said, “Well, Robert. You must believe I had nothing to do with that poor girl’s demise. You must admit I was sitting right next to you. And Chang can testify that I have never purchased Spanish fly from him.”
“But it said so in that newspaper article!” Bullet Bob insisted. “It was a terrible engraving of you, but we know it was you who gave Spanish fly to those girls and smoked a hookah!”
Chess finally exploded. “Oh,
please!
Bullet Bob! I don’t need that story following me around everywhere I go. Who gave you that damned newspaper? That happened three months ago.”
Zeke began to slink toward the door, so Chess grabbed his arm. “Ezekiel, this isn’t good Wild Bunch behavior. You are forbidden from showing that newspaper to anyone.”
“Bullet Bob is my buddy!” Zeke whined. “Ask Fidelia. We hang around the Morning Star all the time.”
“Yes, Zeke is a frequent patron,” Fidelia affirmed thinly.
“I want to join The Wild Bunch!” Bullet Bob proclaimed. “The newspaper article gave me the idea to give Josephine the Spanish fly. I want to experience everything that Zeus does!”
Rudy slapped the final strip onto Bullet Bob’s arm. “He is completely addled by too much absinthe. It is tasty once in a while, but you can’t drink it around the clock like Zeke’s buddy here does. The wormwood in absinthe makes you loco and has murdered thousands of Frenchmen.”
“I will refuse to serve him any more,” Fidelia vowed.
Chess said, “I swear I can’t recall knowing this fellow from Europe. Now he wears those ridiculously large spurs just because I did, and stole my hat, and because he thinks I killed Josephine he wants to be like me and kill, too! How can we prevent him from following through on this act? Bullet Bob, where do you live?”
Bullet Bob waved his broken arm around stiffly, as if to dry it out. “Yes! Chess, you must come have dinner at my house! Zeke will show you where it is. I have a most excellent Spanish cook from Sonora who makes an outstanding mutton stew.”
“That might be a good idea,” Fidelia whispered to Chess. “We can look at his trees, for whatever good that does.”
Chess nodded. “Okay. Bullet Bob, we shall come to your house for dinner tonight, after Fidelia and Spenser’s work is ended. Zeke can show us where it is.”
“Ah, that would be splendid!” cried Bullet Bob. “And Fräulein Fidelia here would make a splendid replacement for Eve. Sackett can get anyone to serve drinks, but it takes a special bonny lass to play Eve!”
“Hey, now,” Chess protested. “I don’t want my flame posing in a fleshing costume.”
Spenser inserted, “It would actually be a good idea, Chess. Don’t you agree?” Spenser wiggled his eyebrows meaningfully.
Fidelia instantly understood Spenser’s intention. If she played Eve, perhaps Bullet Bob would show his hand sooner, and they’d be right there to catch him in the act. If Bullet Bob wanted to do everything Chess did, it would make sense he would fixate on her. “That sounds outstanding! Bullet Bob, you must come tonight to see me perform as Eve.”
“Of course!” Bullet Bob was awfully cheerful for a fellow with a broken arm and nose. “I would not miss it for the world. After all, if I am to be a member of your Wild Bunch, I must follow everything Chess does. And he loves Fräulein Fidelia, so I must love her as well.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Chess said warningly. “Fräulein Fidelia already has two suitors, Bullet Bob. She doesn’t need another.”
Fidelia said, “Why not? Rudy, you share Alameda with Senator Spiro, do you not?”
Rudy looked up from his desk, where he was presumably composing a bill for Bullet Bob. “Share? Oh, of course. It’s not a very well-kept secret. No one in the Far West seems to mind, since women are a rare commodity. Legally, of course, she can only be married to Senator Spiro.”
Chess narrowed his eyes at his brother-in-law. “And my sister is fine with this?”
“Fine?” Rudy shrugged. “It was her idea, if I recall correctly.”
Zeke added, “Your other sisters have the same sort of arrangements with their husbands. It works out for everyone involved. I wish I could find a new woman, since my beloved Minerva departed this world.” He looked at Spenser and Fidelia and explained, “It turned out she was a ghost. Sort of made it difficult to court her. She had a thing for Neil Tempest, anyway.”
Fidelia wanted to know more about this ghost, but Bullet Bob was unstoppable in his zeal. “You see? I will be your companion in arms, the lover of your lover! I wish to be like you in every way.”
“Now hold your horses,” snarled Chess.
Fidelia grabbed the finger he pointed at Bullet Bob and lowered it. “It’ll work out, Chess. We shall put on a fine performance for Bullet Bob. Right, Spenser?”
“Indeed!” Spenser cried, nearly as enthusiastic as Bullet Bob himself.
They departed then so Fidelia could arrange with Sackett to pose as Eve, but Chess was harder to convince. It was actually Ezekiel who had the logical argument that swayed Chess.
Zeke said, “You think Bullet Bob was the actual murderer of Josephine, right? Because he wanted to emulate you, who seem to be some kind of idol to him. He knew you liked to give Spanish fly to women, so that’s what he did.”
“Hard to believe that he idolizes me,” Chess snarled, “but that’s what seems likely.”
“Okay.” Zeke spread his hands out to explain. “Then this morning he tried to strangle who he thought was a lady, because he imagined you were Josephine’s murderer. Again, he wanted to be like you.”
“Yes,” said Chess. “It’s like he’s mirroring everything I do.”
“Exactly! So wouldn’t it make sense that he tries to nab Fidelia as well? If we’re all in the Morning Star and watch Bullet Bob’s every move, we can possibly catch him red-handed.”
“That was the original plan,” said Spenser. “But now we know he’s your boon companion, Zeke, why would we trust you to help us?”
“The Wild Bunch!” Zeke said idealistically. “We all stick together, right? That guy’s a crazed lunatic. I couldn’t care less if he doesn’t put on
Hamlet
. The last thing Laramie needs is a bunch of poofs parading around in loincloths.”
“Hey,” said Spenser. “I’m playing the ghost of Hamlet’s father. I think I’ll have a toga, though.”
“Oh. Well. Not that there’s anything wrong with—”
Fidelia interrupted. “Speaking of ghosts. Who was the ghost you were in love with? We keep running into the ghost of my dead brother, and he’s been giving us clues that point to Bullet Bob as his murderer. So don’t tell Bob we’re onto him. We don’t want to scare him off, which is why Chess tolerates acting as his friend.”
“Oh, Minerva?” Zeke held open the front door of Albuquerque House for Fidelia but went ahead of Chess and Spenser. “There’s a photo of her in the parlor right here.”
Fidelia gasped. “The ghost in the Bucket of Blood saloon!”
“Right, right,” said Zeke, following her into the parlor. “That’s Minnie, all right. Harley was experimenting around with spirit photography and managed to get an image of my beloved. Only she moved on into another plane of the spirit world once we figured out who murdered her.”
Fidelia stared at the photograph of the grim Minerva, who obviously really disliked whoever stood next to her. Minerva wielded that jug of forty-rod with ferocity. “Is that what happens, then? Once they no longer have unfinished business in this world, they move on? You can’t see them anymore?”
“Sadly, yes,” said Zeke. And he did look about to cry. “That’s how it works, apparently. They roam our world restlessly, stuck, unable to evolve on the other side of the veil, as long as they have business they need to conduct. But once that’s settled, they’re free to advance to a higher plane, and you won’t be seeing them again.”
“That’s terrible, though.” Tears burned Fidelia’s eyes, too. “I would hate to never see my brother again. It’s bad enough he was murdered, but it’s comforting being able to see his spirit once in a while.”
Behind them, Spenser said, “Even if he’s whacking Chess over the head with a ski.”
Fidelia nodded and chuckled despondently. “Even then.”
“You’ve probably never given a woman an orgasm.”
Chess frowned. Spenser was obviously challenging him. But the truth was, Spenser was right. Chess had only dallied with prairie flowers in his time. One did not kiss them, and one certainly did not care about their orgasms.
Chess couldn’t admit this. “I helped you give Fidelia an orgasm. She wasn’t responding as ardently until I came along and manipulated her breasts.” He knew so little about female orgasms he didn’t even know where Spenser had been diddling her with his fingers. Her skirts were up, but Chess was standing behind her.
Spenser scoffed. “Oh, she would’ve gotten there, all right. I was just setting her up for the big explosion.”
Fidelia slammed her
Godey’s Lady’s Book
onto a low table. “You fellows talk about me as though I were not even in the room! Don’t you think I should have a say in what part of your bodies touches my body?”
Chess leaned forward soothingly. “Of course, my dove. We need to show you every respect and ask for permission before touching you.” He had courted so few women he just imagined this was the protocol.
Fidelia stood with hands on hips. She stalked to the sideboard and leaned on it saucily, with raised eyebrows. “I can take you both at once.”
There was a brief silence. But once Fidelia’s words sunk in, both men leaped into action.
Chess reached her a fraction of a second before Spenser did. He took her rounded face in his palms and kissed her sweetly, saying, “Ah, Fidelia… You are the light of my life, the candle in the darkness, the sustenance that keeps me alive…”
But Spenser was trying to kiss her, too, and Chess would have to learn to share. This was a new experience. Being such a domineering, competitive fellow, Chess was hesitant to allow Spenser to feel Fidelia’s breasts, but he knew he had to. In fact, she seemed to want to kiss Spenser, encouraging him to feel her breasts by tugging down the shoulders of her bodice.
“What did you mean,” Chess murmured in her ear, “that you can take us both at once?”