Justice (33 page)

“
She’ll be okay. It’ll just take time.
”
I bunch the covers in my hands, ringing them. Even this hurts.
“
She saved my life.
”

“
You saved hers.
”

We don’t speak for a few gut-wrenching seconds, the only noise coming from my heavy breathing.

“
Jo, I—
”

“
You’re sorry. I know you’re sorry. You don’t need to say it.
”

“
I wanted to tell you. A hundred million times I did. The words just wouldn’t come out. And then…I was just so scared of how’d you react. That I’d lose you, and
that
I could not take. You of all people should know what that’s like.
”

I don’t respond for a few seconds, my brain working to find the right words. My supposed gift.
“
I get why you did what you did,
”
I say, still wringing the sheets with my hands.
“
I understand the logic of it, I do. You were scared of how I would react. You were scared I’d look down on you, not be able to get past it. That I needed protecting from the dark side of your life. My head gets that. It does. My heart…
”
I shake my head.
“
Nope.
”
I wipe the falling tears with my less damaged hand.
“
You didn’t trust me. You
betrayed
me every day by not trusting me when…
”
I stop the sob from escaping, and take a second to compose myself.
“
You were my best friend, my confidante, the man I’ve been in love with for twenty years. You were my world. You were my
hero
. And now…
”
I shake my head with a wry chuckle.
“
You let me think I was responsible for Rebecca’s death. You kept much needed information from me and the police about a man who just tried to kill me. You didn’t say a damn word as I bared my secrets to you, and then turned around and used them to make yourself feel better at my expense. And you chose revenge over my well-being.
You broke my heart
. And for
that
I don’t think I can ever forgive you.
”

I finally look up at him. His eyes are as brimming with tears. He wipes the offenders away and hangs his head.
“
I never meant to hurt you.
”

“
I know,
”
I whisper.
“
But you did.
”

He slowly nods. This is it and we both know it. We’ve lost each other. We’re broken.
“
Okay,
”
he whispers back.
“
Okay.
”
He takes a ragged breath and turns around.
“
Good-bye, Joanna.
”

In a flash, he’s gone.

“
Good-bye, rich boy.
”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Survivors

“
Harry, did you remember to buy suntan lotion?
”

When he doesn’t answer I walk out, or more accurately limp out of the bedroom in search of him. I find him in the living room, phone pressed to his ear and looking none too happy.
“
Can it wait until after I get back?
”
He listens, and then sighs.
“
I don’t have…fine. Be there when I can.
”
He slaps the phone shut.

“
The office again, dear?
”

“
We just have to swing by on the way to the airport. It’ll take ten minutes, I promise.
”
He kisses my nose.
“
And I packed plenty of suntan lotion.
”
He kisses me again and walks into the bedroom.

Our first official trip together. Sandals, Jamaica, here we come. Sun, sand, and hopefully lots of sex. Paradise. I follow him into the bedroom to continue packing. I toss the books from my nightstand into the suitcase. As a rule I’m not much of a reader, but in my three conscious days at the hospital I managed to read every magazine ever published. Twice. Not that I plan on doing much reading in Jamaica, wink wink. I may look as if I’ve been to war but damned if I’ll let that stop me from enjoying a tropical island with my awesome boyfriend. I’ll just keep the blistering burn on my arm covered. Don’t want Harry or the other guests to vomit in the umbrella drinks.

V was kind enough to buy me some clothes while I was in the hospital since everything I own is nothing but ash. Nobody was killed, thank God, but all residents had to move out until it’s rebuilt to code. So I’m homeless, clothes less, and recovering from a coma. If ever there was a time for a vacation.

Loose ends first. When we arrive at the station, half the people nod to me with reverence and the other half come up and shake my hand. I could get used to being a hero. The squad room is back to its old self, quiet even. Cam, Mirabelle, and Kowalski aren’t at their desks, but the support staff smile when they see me. As Harry goes into his office to sign some incident reports and budget analysis, I plop down at my desk. Well, my old desk. I won’t be returning to Priority. When I’m cleared for duty, I’ll be working Vice. I’ve had enough death for the time being. Hookers and gambling are more my speed now.

Mirabelle comes in from the interview area, a bright smile forming when he sees me.
“
It’s the traitor!
”
We hug and I sit back down.
“
Thought you and the boss man would be sipping Mai Tai’s by now.
”

“
Cam needed him to sign a few things before we left.
”

“
Well, you’re looking good. How are you feeling?
”

“
A lot better. I don’t even need the pain pills unless I move my arm too much.
”

“
I’m sure the sun and lots of sweaty sex will help with that.
”

I smack his arm.
“
Pig.
”

He chuckles back.
“
What? Now you don’t have to sneak around in the nursery or locker room anymore.
”

“
I have no idea what you’re talking about,
”
I say with horror.

“
Come on. We all knew, well at least part of the time. You kept looking at each other and blushing. It felt like we were back in high school.
”

“
And we thought we were being coy.
”

“
Well, I am a superior investigator.
”

I nod in approval.
“
So, Harry refuses to tell me anything. How goes it here?
”

“
Clean-up mostly. We arrested the accomplice in the subway,
”
he says of the goon in the leather jacket.
“
He talked. Alkaline’s old Lieutenant Mike Spencer hired him to watch the Pendergast house. He’s been pretending to be paparazzi since the engagement party. He didn’t tell us anything we didn’t know. The abandoned station he was using was more helpful. We found blueprints of the Thornton house, the Pendergast house, and your apartment, along with surveillance photos of all of you. Still trying to track down the PI who took them. He also had all of your schedules, your financials, psych profiles, basically your whole lives. Our people are still trying to trace his money. This was a well funded revenge plot. Blitzkrieg’s fee is reported at close to fifty thousand dollars.
”

“
He won’t be collecting it this time,
”
I say.
“
Anything on Jane Smith yet?
”

“
Just the bra and condom wrappers. We lifted prints from every surface but no hits. She doesn’t have a criminal record. Came up empty on the P.O. Box as well.
”

“
And the search for Ryder?
”

For the first time he looks away from me.
“
They’re, uh, calling it off today.
”

“
What?
”

“
It’s been five days and they still haven’t made it to the old Siegel station. If he was alive down there, he isn’t anymore. When it first happened we combed the tunnels. He couldn’t have gotten past us.
”

“
I’d feel better if I could, I don’t know, spit on his body or something.
”

“
If it makes you feel any better, he’s buried under a ton of rocks and dirt in the Ward. I’m sure every day someone will piss on his grave whether it’s intentional or not.
”

“
That does make me feel better,
”
I say with a smile.
“
Thank you.
”

He doesn’t smile back. His back straightens, and his face turns professional. I spin around. Dobbs escorts the frail Lucy in. She looks horrible. Her forehead has a bandage, she has a black eye and bruising on the right side of her face, and her arm is in a sling. Both are as surprised to see me as I am them.
“
Miss Joanna!
”
Dobbs says, as he walks over. He hugs me, something he’s never done before. I squeeze back. I try to meet Lucy’s eyes, but she gazes down at the floor. Dobbs releases me.
“
How are you?
”

“
Good. Fine. No problems.
”

Mirabelle walks over to Lucy.
“
Miss Helms, thank you for coming down. We’ll try to make this as easy for you as possible.
”

Her hand clenches into a fist.
“
Okay,
”
she says quietly. Mirabelle gestures toward the interview rooms, and Lucy slowly walks over. She refuses to look up as she passes me. For some reason this stings.

It must show, because when she’s out of earshot Dobbs says,
“
Don’t be upset with her, Miss Joanna. She’s just having a difficult time. She didn’t start speaking again until this morning.
”

“
Jesus, I’m so sorry.
”

“
An old friend from Independence is flying in to take her back there.
”

“
For how long?
”

“
Until she wishes to return. If ever,
”
he says, almost haunted by the prospect. My heart goes out to him. He’ll have no one to serve in that huge mansion. We were the closest thing to family he has.
“
Is there somewhere we can talk that’s more private?
”

I don’t like the sound of that.
“
Okay,
”
I say. I lead him into the nursery and shut the door.

“
I don’t know who else to speak to about this. I know you’re angry and you have every right to be. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t a matter of life or death.
”

“
What happened?
”

“
It’s Master Justin,
”
he says.
“
I’m frightened for him. He’s…I’ve never seen him like this before.
”

“
Well, what—what’s the matter with him?
”
I’ve been trying in vain not to think about him the last few days. I’m glad I said what I did, but his expression right before he left plagues me. He might have broken my heart, but I eviscerated his.

“
Miss Joanna, he just keeps watching home movies and going through the Alkaline file obsessively. He hasn’t slept an hour and refuses to eat. He barely leaves the command center, let alone the house. Every time I suggest he take care of himself, he just walks away without a word. And Miss Lucy, he won’t even look at her. I’ve known that boy everyday of his life. I
know
he’s slipping away, and I feel so helpless. It’s breaking my heart. Please help us.
”

“
Do you think he’d hurt himself?
”

He’s unable to talk for a moment, then says,
“
I honestly don’t know. He phoned his attorney to amend his will.
”
Dobbs’ look of hopelessness rocks me.
“
Please, Miss Joanna. I don’t know what else to do.
”

Neither do I. My first impulse is to jump in a car, drive to the mansion, and not leave until I draw out a smile. But the image of him in that tunnel as I’m screaming at him to stop makes my stomach clench.
“
I’m sorry he’s upset, I really am. He’s been through a lot, I know that. I just, I can’t see him right now. I can’t. I don’t…have it in me. I don’t. He’s strong. He’ll be fine. I’m sorry.
”

I rush out of the room from his disbelieving expression like the coward I am.

***

I stare out the window of the taxi at the nearly full moon, willing myself to unknot all my limbs and to push all thoughts of Justin slowly killing himself in that cold mansion away. The words,
“
He’ll be fine…
”
cycle through my head as if repetition will make it so. I’m so deep in thought and wound up that when Harry takes my hand, I jump.

“
Sorry,
”
he says, as startled as I am.
“
Sorry. Are you all right?
”

“
Sorry,
”
I say with a chuckle.
“
I was just thinking.
”

“
You’ve been out of sorts since we left the station.
”

“
I just, I’m fine.
”
I smile and turn back to my window.
“
I’ll be fine.
”

Fine. What a strange, overused word. We’re all always fine, even when we don’t mean it, and we rarely mean it. People let us get away with it because they really don’t care. Most of the time they’re too damn busy dealing with their own fine and don’t give a damn about yours, even when you’re drowning. One of the reasons I’m falling, if I’m not already in love with Harry is that he never settles for fine.

He puts his arm around me, pulling me toward him. I rest my head on this shoulder.
“
Tell me.
”

“
Dobbs brought Lucy to the station. She’s in a bad way. They all are. Especially…you know. He just sounded so scared.
”

“
What about?
”

“
He said Justin’s not eating. Not sleeping. He’s…it’s not good.
”

“
Is he a danger to himself?
”

“
I—I don’t know. I mean, of course he’s depressed. Anyone would be. But he’ll be fine. Just fine.
”

I don’t even convince myself, let alone him. Harry is silent for a moment and I’m afraid to look at him in case I’m greeted by disapproval or disgust. Not that I don’t deserve them.
“
Driver,
”
Harry finally says,
“
we’ve changed our minds. We need to go to 3377 Kane Lane in the Gardens. And please hurry.
”

The driver nods and turns the car around. I sit up.
“
What are you doing? We can’t go. We’ll miss our flight.
”

“
There are other flights.
”

“
No, that’s not fair to you.
”

“
I’m not spending my vacation with you like this. You’ll spend the entire time worrying instead of relaxing, thinking of him instead of me. Believe me, I’m being selfish.
”

“
No.
No
, Harry,
”
I say, shaking my head,
“
I can’t. I can’t face him. I’ll be useless. I’m still too furious at him. I’ll just make things worse.
”

“
That’s bullshit and we both know it.
”

“
I’m not going.
”

“
Then either you’re a coward, or you’re just cruel.
”

“
What?
”

“
One bad decision and you’re ready to chuck it all in. Twenty years, Joanna. That’s longer than most marriages. Does that one bad negate all the good?
”

“
I…
”
I have no idea what to say.

“
If he harms himself, and you don’t at least try to help him, you will never forgive yourself. The guilt will destroy you. Everything he has done, all the sacrifices you both made for the right, will be for nothing.
”
He takes my hand, looking me square in the eyes.
“
It’s your job to save people. You take this job so seriously and are so good at it, you take my breath away. It’s what you were put on this earth to do.
”
He smiles and kisses me.
“
So do it.
”