Just Breathe (22 page)

I sag against him. “You’re a wicked man.”

“Sure I can’t get a hint about our date?”

“You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Challenge accepted.” He lifts me to the bed.

I will never tell him what I’ve got planned for our date.

But there’s no way I’m going to let him know that.

Chapter Twenty-Five

At ten to eight the phone rings. Mary-Margaret answers it and talks for a couple moments, hangs up then turns to me. “Field of Purses cancelled tonight.”

“No!” I exclaim with a giant smile, happy that that pretentious singing group aren’t coming. “So there’s no concert tonight? Wait, do we have to tell anyone they cancelled? Are angry people going to be showing up giving us crap because they already bought tickets?”

“No, they let everyone else know except for us until now. They cancelled because they only sold about twelve tickets. We don’t have to deal with any mad ticketholders,
and
we don’t have to stay late tonight!”

“That is fabulous!”

“I know. You’ve got to be tired. You must have moved half the library by yourself.”

“Well, shuffling the picture books over made more room. We needed the space. It was the shelf-reading that burned me out. I’m bug-eyed from reading all of those call numbers.”

“Yeah, you can only read them for so long before it just makes no sense. Better to do it in bursts,” she commiserates.

“But we’re free!” I throw my arms out.

“I don’t mind staying, but it’s an extra hour and a half, and my poor dog will probably be crossing his legs when I get home, he’ll have to pee so bad!”

I laugh at the idea of her border collie doing the pee dance.

We start shutting things down, and I’m happy I can just go home and relax. No concert to abuse my ears and lengthen my day by nearly two hours.

***

One missed call. From Jason. “Hey Sexy As, just wanted to give you a call. I miss your voice. I miss your everything. Call me, I’d love to see you sometime. I’ve been thinking about you.”

Delete. It’s his third message like this since I saw him at his party almost a month ago. Since I let him kiss me and kissed him back. I haven’t called him back, but I’ve returned a few texts. I’m not even sure what he wants from me. Friendship my ass, he definitely wants more than that, but he has to know it can’t be the same. Too much has happened for us to just be friends. He’s done too much to my heart for me to let this go.

It feels fucking fabulous to have him being the one calling me, wanting to hang out. For him to be the one chasing me, wondering where I am, what I’m doing. He’s the one wanting me. I’m not actively leading him on, but I’m not discouraging him as I probably should be. My ego needs it right now, but I still feel a tiny twinge of guilt.

I’d hoped for there to be a message from Dominic, a voicemail I could listen to so I could hear his voice again. It’s been thirteen days since that amazing date. All I want to do is spend time with him, but time is something he doesn’t have right now, which sucks. We’re going to have to figure out a way to record the song he wrote me. I’d listen to it every night if I could. He played it over the phone to me the other night, and it was just as beautiful, though the vibrations didn’t fill me up like they did when I was there by the piano. Phones are good, but they’re not the same.

The house is dark when I walk up the stairs. Weird. I thought Kennedy and Nick were going to be here tonight. They asked me when I’d be home so we could hang. Slipping the key in the lock, I open the door and kick off my shoes as quickly as I can.

That feeling of getting heels off after a long day is second only to taking the elastic out of a tight ponytail. Instant relief that’s almost painful. I walk around the corner, and flick on the living room light, blinking in the sudden brightness—and then cringe at the sight that greets me.

“Shit! Elle, you’re home early!” Kennedy’s voice is unnaturally high.

“Oh my god! Why are you naked?” Horror raises my voice an octave to match hers.

Nick springs off of Kennedy and grabs his shirt. Okay, so a longer glance shows they aren’t naked. But Kennedy’s only wearing shorts and a bra.

“Why were you? Um. Oh my god! Are you two
together?
” I can’t believe this.

Nick tugs his shirt on, and Kennedy finds hers.

“We, I—sort of?” Nick looks at Kennedy.

“Yes, we are,” Kennedy affirms. “We are.”

Nick’s smile could light up the block. “Took you long enough to admit it.”

“What do you mean by ‘long enough?’ How long has this been going on?”

Kennedy clears her throat. “We started um, getting closer, just before we moved here.”

“But,” Nick continues. “It was never anything official.”

“That was because of me.” Kennedy wrings her hands. “I wasn’t sure if we should pursue anything as roommates and friends.”

“But we couldn’t stay away from each other.” Nick sits beside her on the couch, taking her hand. “I know this might seem crazy, Ellie, but—”

“Actually,” I hold a hand up, “this explains a lot. I wondered why you two had been snipping at each other lately. And that whole night at the gallery you two were being assholes. But why didn’t you tell me?”

“Again, that was me,” Kennedy huffs. “I didn’t see the point of saying anything if we weren’t going to be anything other than friends with benefits. And I wasn’t sure it was possible to be together and not have the friendship implode.” I look at Nick. He looks a bit wary, like he’s been through a battle and finally got what he wanted, but still thinks it’s too good to be true.

“But I don’t care anymore,” Kennedy continues. “I love him, and it’s worth trying.”

“Awww you guys! I really like this. I hope it works out. But if either of you hurts the other, I’ll have to kill you. I love you both equally and don’t want to see anything bad happen.”

“We were going to tell you tonight.” Nick tears his gaze from Kennedy. “There was also something else we wanted to talk about.”

“You guys aren’t moving out and deserting me are you?” My heart stops beating.

“No! As if!” Kennedy dismisses that idea, and I can breathe again.

She takes a deep breath. “It’s just that we got talking about you the other day. When we realized you haven’t been smoking like you used to, we thought about it, and...”

“We realized how much you’d been smoking before that.” Nick says. “It was an insane amount. And we thought it might have been because you felt like we were pulling away from you.”

“We hadn’t noticed because we were focusing on each other, but we’re sorry, Elle, if you felt like an outsider because of us,” Kennedy finishes.

Their sad, earnest faces loosen the binds of my self-imposed burden. If ever there was a time to come clean, now would be it.

“Something has been up, but it wasn’t anything you guys did.” I pause, taking a few deep breaths, and crouch to sit cross-legged onto the floor. Sometimes letting someone into your pain is more painful than the event itself. But it’s time. “Mine and Jason’s breakup wasn’t mutual. He broke up with me.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell us?” Kennedy leans forward looking stunned.

“Yeah, that’s not the worst part. It wasn’t a simple break up. It wasn’t a break up at all. He told me he was going to work.”

Nick crosses his arms. “Yeah, I remember that.”

“And he said he’d call me a couple days later. Then he called, and said work was taking a little longer than he’d thought, so he’d be home in a few days.” I plunge ahead, ripping off the emotional bandage. “And then, he just didn’t call me anymore.”

“What?” Kennedy’s voice is breathy with disbelief.

“He didn’t call me anymore. I didn’t find out until I invited Skeeter to our housewarming party that Jason had actually moved away.”

“That fucking prick!” Nick leans forward.. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t know what to say. At first I was sure he was just busy with work. And then I suspected something was up, but I was in denial. By the time I realized it was over, that he’d broken up with me by moving away and not telling me, it felt like too much time had gone by to bring it up. I didn’t even know how to start. I felt like such an idiot for waiting for him. Because I did. I waited for him.” My face burns with shame, even after all this time. The pain is gone, the shame remains.

“You’re not the idiot, he is!” Kennedy moves to my side, and slings an arm around my shoulders.

Nick starts breaking up weed, his hands viciously tearing it like he wishes it was Jason he was ripping apart with his hands. “You waited because you are loyal, and a beautiful person inside and out, Ellie. There’s nothing stupid about loyalty. He’s an asshole for doing that to you.”

“Good riddance!” Kennedy rubs circles on my back.

They’re so angry on my behalf I’m touched. And now I feel a bit weird that I let Jason back into my life after their reactions. But he seems different now. Leopards can’t change their spots, but they can grow up. Maybe that’s what happened. But either way, it’s not like we’re dating. We’re just... friends with history. And I haven’t even seen him since the party, so no big deal.

“You really should have told us. I can’t believe you went through everything on your own.” Kennedy’s eyes are teary.

“Don’t you start crying!” I poke her shoulder. “I’m okay now! I promise. I wasn’t, for a while. That’s when I started smoking more than what was healthy. I needed something to dull how it felt. He left me like I was nothing.” And I’ve let him back in. “But I’m stronger now. And I’m actually feeling happy.”

“Because of Dominic?”

I lean into her. “Partly. I came out of the haze and he came along shortly after.”

“Because rebounding is—”

“No, it’s not a rebound,” I interrupt Nick. “It feels different with him. Like when we go out, he isn’t hating my condition, feeling like it’s holding us back. He doesn’t treat it like an obstacle. He accepts it as a part of me. He acts like you guys. Like he doesn’t mind it.”

“He just doesn’t know you smoke weed.”

“No. I don’t smoke anymore, so I think it’s something I can leave in the past. But I was smoking more to deal with the pain of Jason leaving. And since Dominic came along, I don’t even miss it like I was for a while. No cravings at all! I haven’t even been drinking as much.”

“Because you’re happier now.” Kennedy squeezes my hand.

I nod. “Exactly. I needed it for a while to get over what Jason did to me, but I’m through that now. Dominic isn’t the reason I quit, but he’s a huge part of why I don’t feel the need to smoke at all anymore. I think... I think I’m in love with him.”

“Well I will smoke to that!” Nick lights up the bong.

Kennedy rolls her eyes. “Classy, Nick. Anyways, I think I really like Dominic now. I liked him before, but now I’m
in like
with him!” She swoons with me. It feels so nice to have unburdened myself about Jason.

“Me too.” Even though I hardly see him anymore.

“We’ve made reservations for dinner. Want to come?” Nick invites me.

I shake my head. “No, I feel like a quiet night in. I’m going to go have a bath.”

I’m luxuriating in the tub before they’ve left the house, and I stay there until long after they’ve gone.

Chapter Twenty-Six

After my bath, I slip my PJ’s on even though it’s not quite ten. Ten p.m. on a Friday night, and I’m at home alone. I miss Dominic. Thirteen long days since our last date. We’ve had two amazing phone calls that lasted like, an hour each. His voice does things to me, but it’s more than that. He’s so smart, and funny, and I’m really falling in love with him.

The happy realization is tempered by the wish that I saw him more often.

How much of my life am I going to spend waiting on men to call me? No, I can’t think like that. Dominic isn’t abandoning me. He’s just busy.

My phone vibrates. Text received.

Jason: Hey. Remember that time we went to Runway? Lisa says hi.

Runway. That night feels like it happened to me in a previous life. We went out with Skeeter and their friend Miles to Runway, an afterhours club. Everyone but me did Ecstasy; I just drank too much, trying to escape the awful music. I’d known I was in love with Jason for a while. Runway was the night that Jason realized he was in love with me.

Miles was the coolest shit, and a blast to hang out with. You couldn’t not love the guy. And at one point in the night, I leaned over to Jason, and said, “Miles is so cool. How do you stand being around someone that cool all the time? He’s the coolest person we know!”

He shook his head and said, “You know, I feel like I could never get bored with you. Miles is cool, but he’s no You.
You
are the coolest person I know.” And he kissed me.

I’d chalked it down to the E he did. But the next night it was different between us. We were in bed, and he caressed my face, and so softly I thought I’d imagined it, he said, ‘I think I’m falling in...”

I waited, but he didn’t say the rest. But I knew it by the way he looked at me. And I kissed him, and we made love.

Lisa was also there that night at Runway. Miles’s girlfriend. She was amazing, and we’d talked and laughed for hours that night. She’d come with me to the bathroom where it was quieter when the music got too bad for me to bear. I haven’t seen or talked to her in months.

That was another hard part of breaking up with Jason; I discovered that our mutual friends weren’t so mutual. It wasn’t out of malice. But I really liked Lisa, and wished we could have hung out more.

Elle: Tell her I say Hi back.

Jason wasn’t lying about being here for me and not giving up. But I wish it was Dominic texting me instead. Guess I’m still a bit sensitive about being abandoned.

And I know he isn’t deliberately ignoring me, but the result is the same. I’m here alone and haven’t heard from him. I’m waiting for him to call me, and I hate that.