Joe (4 page)

Chapter
Seven

Claire

Claire
sat watching the smoke dance and float out the window, feeling pangs of envy.
What a wonder it must be to move so freely, to let the wind take you, to dance away
with it. She was not a stupid girl, but she was a pretty one, so the former was
often presupposed. But, she was smart enough to know that she had spent most of
her life feeling trapped.

Mid-terms were coming up. She should be
studying. That is what everyone expected her to be doing. Instead, she was
smoking. Not cigarettes, though she had a half-empty pack of Marlboro Reds
sitting in the desk drawer beside her. No, she was smoking the good stuff: pot,
weed, marijuana.

Claire was not a social smoker. She
preferred her solitude. In fact, no one she knew was the wiser about her
smoking habits. They
couldn’t
know. Not even her “friends”. What would
they say?

She knew. They would shake their heads
and insist on an intervention. Her parents would be the worst. They would be
ashamed, claim they never saw it coming. Not their
Claire
. It had to be
her new friends at college, bad influences. It couldn’t be Mike and Mary
Hoffken’s
daughter. Their little Claire was a good girl. She knew her place. She had
goals.

It’s my own darn fault,
she thought. One side of her mouth
pulled up. She was so groomed that she didn’t even dare use a curse word in her
own head.
Fuck that
, she thought next. Now she laughed out loud, choking
a little on the smoke in her throat.

“You gonna pass that or choke on it?”
someone behind her said.

Claire turned. Her older sister, Nikki,
was standing in the doorway to Claire’s bedroom, her right shoulder braced
against the side of it.
She knows,
Claire thought.
She knows and she
still loves me.

Nikki did know about Claire’s smoking.
Nikki knew almost everything about Claire.
Almost
everything.

Claire held out the hand with the joint
in it. Nikki took it and smiled. “Shouldn’t you be studying?” Nikki asked,
taking a deep drag.

Claire sighed and shrugged. “I guess.
Shouldn’t you be passed out somewhere?”

Nikki cracked a smile. “Funny. I told
you, I’m working on this new story. It’s driving me fucking crazy. It’s gonna
be a whole damn book, and a good one. People are going to love it.”

Nikki passed back the joint. Claire took
it. “You’re going to try and sell it?”

“Hell, yeah. I’m telling you, if they
would just read it, they’d like it. I know it. I’ve never felt this way before.
I’ve got only about a quarter of it left to write.”

“Then what?”

“Then I sell that shit and keep writing.
You can retire.”

Claire laughed. That was Nikki. Big
dreamer. Nikki was the one their parents expected to screw up. She was the one
they were always shaking their heads at and demanding that she do something
with her life. Nikki was like the smoke: free, beautiful and dangerous. She did
what she wanted and was fine with her decisions. Claire was the good one, Nikki
the black sheep. Claire envied her.

“You don’t believe me, do you? That’s
fine. No one believes me,” Nikki added.

“No. I do believe in you. If you stick
with it I’m sure you can do what you’re saying.”

Claire knew that Nikki needed to hear
that. They’d had this same conversation several times over the past couple months.
Nikki had decided she wanted to be a writer for a living. Their parents had all
but laughed in her face when she told them. A pipe dream, they’d called it. A
waste of her time. They wouldn’t keep paying for her to live in the apartment
with Claire if she didn’t step up and start being serious about life. Why
couldn’t she be more like her sister?

Right,
Claire thought,
more like me. Caged
and whistling sweet music.

Claire began stuffing her books into her
backpack. “I’ve got class in an hour. I better go in a minute.”

Nikki took the joint and sat down on
Claire’s bed. “Or, you could play hooky and we could go shopping, get some
Starbucks, see a movie or something. That’s what I think I’ll do today. Come
with me.”

“Shouldn’t you be writing?” Claire asked.

Nikki smirked. “Woke up at eight this
morning and cranked out three thousand words. I think I deserve a break. I’ll
write more tonight, if I feel like it.”

For a moment, Claire considered it;
skipping a day of classes to go have a fun with her sister. It was probably
just what she needed. This was why she envied Nikki. Her sister lived as though
there was no tomorrow. Claire lived only for tomorrow, but she had been
seriously considering remedying that soon.

“Wish I could,” Claire answered, “but
today is the review in my philosophy class, and Tuesday we have the mid-term. I
need the review.”

“Yeah right. You’ll probably be the one
providing all the answers to the review questions, but whatever. I knew you’d
say that.”

“Fuck off,” Claire snapped.

Nikki blew out a cloud of smoke with her
laughter. “Whoa, chill out. This stuff is supposed to make you more mellow. You
got your teacher’s e-mail address?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Because you need today off. You’ve been
depressed lately, and don’t try to lie because I know you have. I won’t have my
baby sister going and jumping off a bridge because of the stress our uptight
parents put you under. Fuck that. E-mail the teacher that you’re sick and see
if she can send you the review.”

Maybe Nikki
did
know everything
about Claire. The bridge would not have been her method of choice, but Claire
had been considering alternatives. Pills seemed like a good one. She tried to
laugh off the comment. Nikki eyed her closely. The laugh sounded too close to
Claire’s nervous giggle.

“Doesn’t work that way,” Claire said,
“We get the answers in class, from the class. We provide them and the professor
tells us if we’re right. There is no answer key she can send me.”

“I don’t care about your excuses. You
never know when life can be snatched from you. I’ll tell you this, you’re not
going to be lying on your death-bed wishing you had spent more of your life
working and studying. Give me the address. I’ll write the damn e-mail.”

Nikki gave Claire a shove so that she
would get out of the chair at the desk. Claire stood up, and Nikki turned on
the computer, taking a seat. “I really shouldn’t miss,” Claire argued. It was a
weak attempt. She was used to obeying orders, and her sister was aggressive in
her desires.

“And I really shouldn’t take a piss
without washing my hands. Does that stop me?”

Claire’s nose wrinkled. “You’re
disgusting,” she said, but she was laughing, and it was genuine. She knew her
sister was only half joking. Nikki was crass in most people’s eyes, but Claire
adored her. Nikki knew who she was and who she wanted to be. She decided.

Claire took a seat in the armchair her
sister had vacated. “It’s on the syllabus right there. Sheesh, pass that back
already.”

Nikki handed Claire the
almost-disintegrated joint. The doorbell to their apartment chimed. The girls
froze in place.

Nikki and Claire locked eyes. “You
expecting someone?” Nikki asked.

Claire shook her head, panic boiling up
in her stomach. What if it was the police? Or worse, her mother? Nikki stood
up. Claire grabbed her wrist. “Let’s just pretend we aren’t here,” she
whispered, her eyes darting down to the lit joint in her hand. She crushed it
out in the ashtray.

Nikki picked it up, went over to the
window, and shoved it up. “Both of our cars are outside, stupid.” She picked up
a lighter on the desk and lit the scented candle she’d placed there for just
such a purpose. She tossed a sweatshirt at her sister. “Hand me the cigarettes
in your drawer and put that on.” She pulled a small bottle of eye drops from
her jeans pocket and tossed it at Claire. “Put those in your eyes, go wash your
hands and come out into the front room when you’re ready.”

Claire handed Nikki the cigarettes and
proceeded as instructed. “You don’t smoke cigarettes. What are you going to
do?” she asked.

Nikki smirked. “I know,” she said,
lighting the cigarette and blowing out smoke, “and I’m going to flush this down
the toilet and answer the door,” she added, and left the room.

Claire ran to the bathroom to do as she
was told. Nikki crossed the living room with her sister’s cigarette hanging
from her mouth, to the front door of the apartment, where the caller was now
knocking obnoxiously, and opened the door. She knew who it was by the knocking,
so she wasn’t taken off guard when she found Mary Hoffken, their mother,
standing in front of her.

Nikki blew out a puff of smoke, not
quite in her mother’s face, but within drifting range of it, and smiled.
“Mother, how good of you to drop by,” she said.

Mary wrinkled her sharp nose and waved a
hand in front of her face. “Nicole Anne Hoffken,” she began, using her
daughter’s full name, “now you have added smoking to your list of bad habits.”
She shoved past Nikki, who was chuckling at her mother’s response to her, and
into the apartment. Nikki waited a moment before shutting the door. Her mother
wandered into the kitchen. Nikki held her breath, expecting her mother to say
it smelled like illegal substances. Mary’s nose was still wrinkled in disgust,
but she didn’t say anything. Nikki smiled and shut the door. Claire was
probably safe if she played along.

“Where is Claire?” Mary asked, eyeing
the countertops in the kitchen. “You need to clean up in here,” she added.

“I need to clean my ass, too,” Nikki
mumbled.

Her mother’s head snapped toward her.
“What did you say?” she demanded.

“I said she’s in the bathroom. Is there
something
I
can help you with?”

At that moment, Claire emerged from the
hallway. She looked fresh and clear-eyed, the way she was supposed to.

“Claire-Bear,” Mary began, her voice
rising in a way that both girls found annoying, though only Nikki had ever
voiced this. “You let her smoke in here? That’s not good for your health. You
can tell her not to.”

Nikki flopped down on the couch. “I’m
right here, Mom, and it’s not good for
my
health, either.”

“Well,” Mary said, tossing her head back
in the way she did every time she wanted to make a point. Both girls hated
that, too. “You’ve made your choices, haven’t you?”

Nikki grinned. “Ah yes, Mother, that I
have.”

Claire smiled uneasily. She felt guilty about
letting her sister take the blame, but she was used to it. In fact, when she
looked back on her life it seemed to her that there was a long history of Nikki
taking the heat for her and fighting her battles. Claire fought for her sister
too, but Nikki was always jumping in to save the day. She said she was the big
sister and that was the way it was supposed to be, but lately it seemed to be
adding to Claire’s growing feeling of worthlessness. Her sister knew her too
well. She was depressed with a capital D.

“She doesn’t smoke often,” Claire said,
“and it doesn’t bother me.”  

“Well,” Mary scoffed, “it bothers me.”

“You may leave anytime you wish,
Mother,” Nikki offered.

Claire sighed. She didn’t want to deal
with this right now, on top of everything else. This back-and-forth between her
mother and sister was a frequent scene. It occurred almost every time the two
got together. Their mother was really and truly ashamed of Nikki, and whether
or not this outweighed her love for her daughter didn’t matter, because the
shame outshone whatever love there was. Mary made this very clear.

What was insane was that Claire knew
Nikki had nothing
but
love for Mary. She told Claire that she
understood
their mother, always putting emphasis on that one word. Claire had asked
her what she meant by that. Nikki shrugged and said, “When you become aware of
people’s natural inclinations and limitations, you can
understand
them,
and if you don’t expect from them what their nature doesn’t give, you’ll never
be disappointed.”

Claire was supposedly the “genius” of
the family, and yet Nikki’s insights often made her feel stupid and young.
Nikki was wise beyond her years, an old soul. She’d been through a lot, much of
it self-inflicted, but a lot, nonetheless. More than Claire had, for sure, and
yet Nikki never cried or lost her cool. Claire cried if she got a C on a term
paper. She was
weak
.

“Claire, did you hear me?” Mary asked.

Claire shook her head. “I’m sorry, what?”

Mary sighed. “I said, Dr. Murphy okayed
your internship for this summer! It’s so wonderful, honey. Your father and I
couldn’t be more proud.”

Oh, yes, so wonderful,
Claire thought. “That’s good,” she said
to her mother.

“Good? It’s great! You’ll have a leg-up
when you graduate next fall. We’re just so proud of you, Claire-Bear,” Mary
said, coming forward to embrace her younger daughter.