Jimmy removed his hat and tossed it carelessly to the dashboard, where it landed with part of the brim resting on the steering wheel. The light from a street lamp lit his grim face, accentuated the lines and the weariness Jess couldn’t get accustomed to. He lifted his paper cup in a mock salute. “Happy freakin’ holidays.”
She refused to drink to that bitter toast, but he tipped his cup back and drained his cup.
She’d known from the beginning that success would change him. It changed everyone, even the nicest, most stable guys. She’d seen it happen too many times, and the possibilities had scared her. Because in spite of all her denials, all her reservations, she didn’t want to lose the Jimmy Blue she knew. In her worst imaginings, she’d never expected anything as drastic and disturbing as this.
“You want to know why I still drive this truck?” he asked as he refilled his cup.
“Sure,” she whispered.
He lifted his eyes to her. “Erica hates it. Only rednecks drive pickup trucks, according to my lovely, social-climbing wife. It embarrasses the hell out of her when I insist we take the truck instead of her Mercedes.”
It was petty, unlike the Jimmy Blue she remembered, and Jess saw, in a flicker of his gray eyes, that he agreed with her unspoken assessment.
She didn’t want to talk about his wife. “What’s the big news?”
Jimmy looked into his cup, but didn’t drain it again. For that, Jess was grateful. “I quit.”
He mumbled, so she wasn’t sure she heard him correctly.
“What?”
He lifted his head and stared straight at her once again. “I quit,” he said more clearly. “I’m going home, back to Texas and Dad’s ranch. I never should’ve come to Nashville, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have stayed here.”
“But... but you love it,” Jess protested. “You love the music.”
He smiled, crookedly and sadly. “I used to. Sometimes I can almost remember what it was like to close my eyes and let the music take over. I could get lost in it, in the peace and the wonder. Sometimes the music came from nowhere, from everywhere. It was always just there, a gift I never understood until it was gone.”
“It’s not gone.”
Jimmy waved away her objection. “Oh, hell, yes, it’s gone. I know it. The fans know it. They can hear it in my music. That’s why “Over the Edge” isn’t selling.” He turned his face away from her. “If I’d stayed in Texas and worked Dad’s ranch and rodeoed when I felt like it and played in the Armadillo Ballroom with the guys on the weekends, maybe I’d still have it. Maybe I’d still love it. Right now I don’t care if I never touch another guitar as long as I live.”
She would have expected anger in such a statement, but Jimmy was perfectly calm—and perfectly serious.
“I’m so sorry.”
Jimmy actually smiled, and it was very close to a real Jimmy Blue smile. “You should apologize, Jess Lennox, since you’re the reason I stayed in Nashville in the first place.”
Her stomach did a little flip, and she could feel the heat flooding her face. Maybe in the dark he wouldn’t be able to see the blush.
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” Jimmy’s smile faded. “Dean listened in one weekend when me and the boys were playing at the Armadillo Ballroom, and he came up to me after the last set and invited me to come to Nashville for a visit. I figured, why the hell not? I’d been thrown pretty good in a rodeo just a few weeks earlier, and was still recovering, so why not take a free vacation? I had no intention of making music a career. You know what the odds are of making it in this business, Jess.”
He drifted away from the door, slowly leaning forward until he placed a hand on her knee. “So I came to Nashville for a little free vacation, and there you were. I told you some of this years ago, didn’t I? How I walked into that office and saw you standing there?”
Jess nodded. She couldn’t speak.
“I wrote “Legs” for you, and I decided to stay.” He lifted his hand from her knee as if he’d been burned, and backed away. “Of course, I didn’t know that Jess Lennox had a rule about not dating musicians.”
The windows were fogging up, closing the two of them off from the rest of the world. She’d never felt so alone, so vulnerable. She’d certainly never felt like Jimmy needed her.
“I never told you why,” Jess whispered.
“Why what?” Jimmy sipped at his Jack Daniels.
“Why I don’t date musicians.”
She thought for a moment that he was going to tell her he didn’t care... it was too little, too late. He didn’t.
“Why?”
Jess scooted slightly away from the cold door. No one but Lorraine knew the whole story. It was too embarrassing, too degrading. “Right after I came to Nashville, I met this... this guy. He was talented and charming, and he had a knack for always knowing what to say and when to bring flowers, and we had such great plans. He moved in, and I worked two jobs while he played in clubs that paid nothing or almost nothing. We talked about getting married, once he made the big time.”
Even now the memory made her feel small, as if she’d done something horribly wrong, as if it was all her fault.
“You can see what’s coming, I’m sure,” she said dryly, “but I didn’t. Rick got his big contract, and I came home to an apartment that had been cleaned completely out. He took everything but my clothes and a chair he didn’t like.”
“One jerk—”
Jess continued in spite of Jimmy’s interruption, sure that if she stopped now she’d never finish. “He was a one-hit wonder, here today and gone tomorrow. Do you know, after I started at Vandiver Records he had the nerve to call me and ask me to pull a few strings for him, since he was such a good old friend.”
He slid across the seat. There was no place for her to go but out through the passenger door and into the cold night. She didn’t move. “If you want me to I’ll hunt him down and rip out his lungs before I head back to Texas.”
Jess actually laughed, even though Jimmy was almost on top of her. She was no longer afraid of the way he physically dwarfed her, of the warmth he surrounded her with. She welcomed it. “That won’t be necessary. Last I heard he was selling used cars in Chattanooga.”
He took her cup and set it on the dashboard beside his own. “So you thought I was like this jerk.”
It was true, she
had
, but she could see now that Jimmy was nothing like Rick.
“I decided that all musicians were unstable, unpredictable, selfish, and unreliable.”
“You didn’t give me a chance,” he whispered.
Suddenly she was angry. This wasn’t her fault. “You’re the one who ran off and married Miss Congeniality,” she snapped.
Jimmy cupped her chin in one hand and lifted her face. “Yeah, I did. I could sit here and cry on your shoulder and tell you that my wife and I have spent most of the past three years living apart, but if you read the tabloids or listen to the rampant gossip in this town, you already know that. I could tell you that Erica was a different person when I married her. I could tell you that her personality changed the minute she had the ring she wanted on her finger.” His voice lowered as his mouth came close to hers. “I could tell you how I waited for you that Christmas, looking out the window every five minutes like a kid waiting for Santa Claus. I could tell you how I gave up when I realized you’d rather spend Christmas day alone than spend it with me.”
When he kissed her it was harsh, demanding and angry. Jimmy’s mouth claimed hers, as he came to her like a starving man. His touch was hard, and as cold as the wind outside their shelter. She didn’t pull back or try to push him away, but accepted the mouth on hers with welcoming lips, soft and warm. He needed this, gentleness and acceptance. Love. She needed it, too.
Jimmy’s anger faded quickly, melting away until the meeting of their lips was as real and tender as the kiss that had come beneath the mistletoe just a few hours ago. No,
three years ago
.
Her hands slipped around his waist, and she slanted her head in an effort to deepen the kiss. Dream or vision, reality or fantasy, she’d waited a very long time for this.
One warm, large hand slid beneath her skirt to rest high on her thigh, while the other crept around her back—between the leather jacket and her thin white blouse.
Jimmy pulled his lips from hers and drew her head to his shoulder. “I should’ve done that three years ago,” he whispered. “I should’ve thrown you over my shoulder and carried you out of that Christmas party and dragged you home, kicking and screaming.”
“That’s not you, Blue,” she whispered breathlessly.
“Yeah, well, maybe if it was we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
He held her, but didn’t kiss her again. He was a married man, for God’s sake. Still, this was wonderful and warm, for the moment.
“When you looked at me tonight, really looked at me, I almost grabbed you up then and there. For the past three years you’ve been turning away when you see me, shifting your eyes so you don’t have to look at me... hiding in your office when I’m around.”
She knew herself well enough to realize that was exactly how she would react to Jimmy coming home from Hollywood with a stunning wife in tow.
“What did we do wrong?” Jess whispered.
“What didn’t we do wrong?”
If she could go back, she’d do so many things differently. Jimmy deserved better than Erica. He deserved to cherish and love his gift of music for the rest of his life. He deserved to be loved, and so did she.
“When are you leaving for Texas?”
Jimmy ran his hand up and down her back. “Next week.”
“I can’t believe Erica was so smug about a move to Texas,” Jess admitted. “I mean, she doesn’t exactly strike me as a country girl.”
That got a real laugh out of him, and she had to lift her head to watch the transformation. His eyes lit up, and his lips formed a real, true Blue smile. She knew then that whatever had happened, it wasn’t too late.
“Erica thinks we’re moving to Hollywood,” he said as the laughter died. “That was her idea when I told her I was quitting the music business, and she doesn’t seem to hear me say no. She’s got plans of her own, that girl does.”
“You don’t think she’ll go to Texas with you?”
Jimmy shook his head slowly. “Not Erica. There’s nothing for her in Texas, and she and my mother... well, to say they never got along is a huge understatement.”
“I should say I’m sorry, but I’m not.”
Jimmy traced her cheek with a lingering finger. “When I get everything worked out with Erica, if I call you and invite you to Texas...”
“I’ll be there.”
Maybe it had been a bumpy road, but Jess realized as she looked up at Jimmy that she loved him... had always loved him.
He kissed her again.
When the door flew open they were hit with a blast of cold air, and Jess almost fell backward onto the asphalt. Jimmy caught her and pulled her to safety against his chest.
“Well, well,” Erica droned. “Isn’t this cozy.”
Jimmy’s wife stood in the parking lot, feet wide apart, mink coat gathered against the cold. The icy wind whipped her short, dark hair away from her face.
“Nothing happened,” Jimmy said tiredly. “Go back to your party.”
“And leave you here with this... this tramp?” Erica snapped. “I knew something was going on. How long, baby? A year? Two? From the day we got married?”
“We’re not having this discussion here,” Jimmy said, seething.
“Why not here?” Erica smiled, like a wild animal moving in for the kill. “Do you wonder why I’m not surprised to catch you in a compromising position with my husband, Miss Lennox?” She stepped toward the truck, blocking some of the cold wind that had all but frozen Jess.
“When Jimmy drinks too much—which, by the way, has become a common occurrence in the past two years—he talks in his sleep. I’ve gotten pretty goddamned tired of being grabbed in the middle of the night while he whispers your name.”
It was a nightmare, cold and frightening and truly horrid. Erica reached beneath her mink coat and drew out a gun that fit neatly in the palm of her hand. She pulled back the slide and let it pop into place, and then she aimed at Jess.
“Merry Christmas, Jimmy.”
Everything happened at once. Jimmy grabbed her and spun her around, contorting their bodies as the gun fired. The paper cups on the dashboard fell over, and the whiskey spewed across her face, and his.
And then Jimmy was very still. He held her, but his arms were loose and cold. Light from the street lamp broke through the open door and lit his pale face, illuminated the eyes that were growing dim as she watched.
“I love you,” he whispered, but there was no sound.
“Jimmy!” She grasped the front of his shirt, her hold alone keeping him from falling backward and out of the truck.
Erica screamed, a wild, hysterical cry, and already there were the sounds of alarmed shouts and quick footsteps on pavement as people raced toward the truck.
Jess closed her eyes and shook her head, hard. None of this was real. It was distant and muffled and
wrong
.
Jimmy wanted to fall back and away from her. It took all her strength to keep him in an upright position, to keep his body next to hers. She knew, she just
knew
, that if he fell over he would be dead.
And then she opened her eyes and looked into his face and saw that it was already too late. He was gone.
With the last bit of her strength, she pulled him forward so that his weight was against her, and then she buried her face against his chest and closed her eyes. In the darkness, she tried to push away the screams and the cold and the knowledge that Jimmy was gone.
Chapter Five
Jess didn’t want to open her eyes. Never again. Jimmy was dead, gone, shot in the back... “Come on, we don’t have much time.”
She knew that voice. It was soft and sweet and demanding. It was Mrs. Courtney, or else that pesky apparition who had chosen to take the old lady’s form.
Dreading what she would see, Jess lifted her head. She was back in her office, sitting in her swivel chair and resting her arms and head on the desk. Mrs. Courtney was perched precariously atop the file cabinet.