"I told you before, I'm on the pill."
His silence was his response.
All the weeks of patience Sara had cultivated, all the loving thoughts she'd nurtured about time healing, and time proving how much she loved Jake lit a fuse leading directly to anger. Jake had been the angry one. She had deserved some of it. But she didn't deserve his constant lack of trust, and now she was angry, angrier than she'd ever been.
The surge of it almost left her breathless. "You're never going to believe I love you, are you?"
His voice was cold. "You told me you loved me four years ago then you called off the wedding."
They were back to that again. There was something else she wasn't seeing, something that went much deeper than leaving him at the altar. But right now the disappointment and hurt sending adrenaline through her wouldn't give her the time to think it through.
"I loved you enough not to trap you, Jake."
He looked startled. She had never put it in those terms before. "You're so sure I would have seen it as a trap?"
"Yes. You see in black and white, good or bad. There's no gray, nor room for human imperfections. I made a mistake--a giant one, I'll grant you. I loved you so much I didn't want to go into a marriage with you resenting me or a child you didn't want. I was thinking about all of us. But then I realized what a terrible mistake I'd made, and I told you about Christopher. You want to give me every kind of motive except for the one that counted--I still loved you. But you can't believe that. You'd rather think I want a free ride, that I'm biding my time until I have enough money to leave again. Get real, Jake. What happens to my emotions and Christopher's in all that? Do you think I'd put him through it?"
Deep creases lined Jake's forehead. "It's hard to believe you knew nothing about the value--"
"Jake, wake up! All I knew was that my parents had bought a plot of land. It was the only thing they'd ever owned. After Dad died, it was Mom's little bit of security. Mr. Gunthry says the price is up now because a highway will run through the area."
Her words didn't seem to move Jake. He was still silent.
She shook her head as tears came to her eyes. "You know, I used to think you were a kind, compassionate man who'd seen the worst part of life, but still tried to make it better for others. But with me, you're so hard and cold sometimes. It's ironic. You reunite people but you won't open your heart to reunite us. You don't trust me enough to let me get within ten yards, except when we make love and even then you hold back. Do you think I can't tell? Do you know how it hurts that you don't trust me enough to let me know all of you?"
He sat up and stared straight ahead. "Don't you know how it hurts me that I can't trust you?"
Sara's dreams withered. At the words that were so harsh now that they were out in the open, she knew what she had to say and what she had to do for all their sakes. "Jake, there's nothing I can do to prove I loved you then, and I love you now. You have to either believe me or not. That's up to you. I'm tired of trying to prove it. I'm tired of trying to earn your love, seek your approval, do and say the right thing so you don't distrust me more. Don't you think Christopher can feel the tension between us?"
"This afternoon won't happen again."
She stared at his profile, loving him, but hurting too much to keep her feelings inside. "What will we do next time? Make sure the door's closed? A misunderstanding doesn't stay behind a closed door, neither does a lack of trust. The tension's not good for Christopher, It's not good for us. I can't live with you any more, loving you but knowing you don't love me. I thought we could get back what we had, but I was wrong, so very wrong. We'll stay here through tomorrow, but then Christopher and I will go back to Aunt El's until I find a place of our own. I'll let you see Christopher whenever you want. You're his father, and I'll never interfere in your relationship with him."
Jake turned toward her then, his face hard, his jaw set until he said in a steel-edged voice, "If you leave, I'll sue for custody."
Sara didn't think the pain in her heart could get any worse, but she was wrong. "Do you want to trap me, Jake? Do you want to trap Christopher in an untenable situation? Don't you understand yet that love can't survive under those conditions? That's why I wouldn't trap you!"
His silence brought more tears to her eyes and sobs to her throat. She couldn't stand the coldness any longer. He was keeping all barriers in place, and she just didn't have the strength to knock them down, especially when she knew he wouldn't let her. She dressed faster than she'd ever dressed in her life. All she wanted to do was escape to her room so he couldn't see the extent of her devastation.
He gave no sign that he even saw her leave. She climbed the steps feeling as if Christmas would never come again.
#
The chill of the room didn't affect Jake as much as the chill around his heart. He felt cold inside, so cold, like he'd never be warm again. He glanced at the steps. The hall light was out.
Dressing mechanically, he checked his pocket for his car keys, and then he headed for the garage. There was someplace he had to go, someplace he went every holiday and many days in between. Except...he'd missed this Thanksgiving. He hadn't been there since Sara had arrived.
This late on Christmas Eve, there wasn't much traffic. Most people were home with their families. He turned into the cemetery with a sense of relief, a sense of the familiar. A few minutes later, he stood in front of the plaque with his son's name.
"Davie, how I wish you could talk to me. I wish you could let me feel you."
Silence. An absence of feeling. Numbness.
In trying to protect himself from getting hurt again, had he become numb to everything?
Yes.
"Davie?"
Jake felt emotion welling up inside of him and didn't try to suffocate it. He let it rise as uncomfortable and painful as it was. His heart raced, his chest tightened, and he felt tears prick his eyes. Damn, it hurt. It hurt so much...
"Why did you leave, Davie? Why did our father leave, and Mom and Mary Beth? Why does everyone I love leave?"
The strength of the pain, the ache around Jake's heart, brought him to the ground. On his knees, he stared at his son's name and prayed for deliverance from the hurt, the loneliness, the emptiness. The chill of night swirled around him, the silence echoed his question over and over.
After a while the echo stopped.
Sara is leaving, too
.
"I knew she wouldn't stay."
You knew?
"She left before. She didn't love me enough..."
She loved you too much
.
Too much.
Was it as simple as that? Had Sara's love been so pure and true she couldn't stand to see it compromised? And when she'd tried to love him again... He'd thrown it back in her face. No wonder she wanted to leave.
What had he done?
She'd said she couldn't stand to live with him knowing he didn't love her. But that wasn't true. He did love her. He'd loved her since he met her. But now it was too late. His father, mother, Davie and Mary Beth had left. He could do nothing to prevent their leaving. But Sara...
Tell her you love her
.
Was that enough? What had she said--she couldn't prove to him that she loved him. But she had proved it, over and over again, with every act, every word, every touch. Could he undo the damage? Was trust simply a conscious decision?
No, it's a leap of faith
.
"Davie, Davie, are you here?"
Silence answered Jake again, but a comforting sense of peace wound about him. He suddenly knew that he could do nothing about the past, but he was responsible for his future. Ungodly things happened, but that didn't mean there wasn't a God. Black wasn't always black, and white wasn't always white. Shades of both reflected the world in which he lived.
He felt shaken...different...changed. Changed in his heart and soul. But he was certain of one thing. He loved Sara, and love was something he couldn't turn his back on, not anymore. He needed her love. He'd just been too afraid to accept it. Now somehow he had to convince her that love was the wonderful gift she thought it was. He had to convince her he was worth another try.
As Jake rose to his feet, one star shined brighter than all the rest.
#
The garage door opening alerted Sara that Jake was leaving. She had no idea where he was going. Tears still lingered too near the surface for her to brush them away, for her to brush the hurt away. Had she really told Jake she was leaving? Wouldn't that be the best thing for everyone?
She uncurled her legs, pushed herself out of her bedroom chair, and went to stand in the doorway to Christopher's room. He slept so peacefully, so innocently. Suddenly she remembered his presents. She had to put them under the tree.
It took her three trips, and once she'd arranged them to her satisfaction, tears blurred her eyes all over again. Wrapping her arms around herself, she went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Through the kitchen window, she could see one star shining brighter than all the others. She opened the door and stepped out onto the porch.
With her hands on the balustrade, she gazed up at the bright white light. She loved Jake. As sure as the star was shining, she'd never stop.
So why are you leaving?
The voice seemed to come from deep inside her.
"I can't keep battling his defenses. I can't keep trying to prove I love him."
Why not just love him?
The simplicity of the question stunned her. Was that the problem? That she was trying to prove something instead of loving him? Could he sense that? Was she on guard, too?
She tried to remember what he'd said earlier. He'd said she'd called off the wedding. He'd sounded so hurt, so...abandoned. Jake had been abandoned over and over again. By his father, his mother, and in a way his son and wife, too. Then Sara had left before their wedding. Did he expect the people he loved to leave him? Is that why he protected himself so?
Of course. Why hadn't she seen it before?
Because she was as caught up in the present situation as he was. They'd been so busy guarding themselves, trying to make the marriage work....
If she left now, she'd prove to him again that the people he loved deserted him.
But did he love her?
She thought about the birthday party he'd given her, his possessiveness, his support of her decision to go back to school, his passion and tenderness when he made love to her. He might not admit it, but he loved her. Jake wasn't a man to pretend anything.
So, what are you going to do?
She wouldn't leave. Like water on stone, she'd wear him down until he admitted what he felt. She'd do it by being herself and loving him. Tonight, her anger and disappointment had gotten the best of her. Maybe tomorrow morning, in the light of day, he'd listen to her. And if he didn't...
She heard the garage door open and close, and she held her breath.
#
First, Jake went up to Sara's room. This afternoon when the front door had slammed, he'd known she'd be back. But tonight, with the quiet click of the guest room door, he'd realized she'd never put her heart in his hands again. But maybe he could change that. Maybe...
When he found her room empty, he almost panicked. But with a quick look into Christopher's room, seeing his son sleeping, he knew she hadn't gone very far. Returning to the downstairs, he saw the dim glare of light from the kitchen. He'd missed it when he came in in his rush to see her.
The back door stood open and, with his heart thumping madly in his ears, he stepped outside. She was looking up at the sky, toward the brightest star, as if seeking guidance. He could use some of that himself.
"Sara?"
She turned, but her face was shadowed. He didn't know if she'd let him touch her, but he was beyond caring about logic or good sense. He took her hands in his. They were cold. He wanted to give her all the heat inside him, everything he could.
So he plunged in, praying she wouldn't shut him out the way he had her, praying she'd listen. "I know you've made a decision, and you think it's for the best. But you're wrong." When her hands fluttered in his, he rushed on. "I've been an idiot. I was so afraid of letting myself love you, so afraid that you'd leave again, I've been driving you away. I don't have any excuse. I don't know what to say to make things right--"
"I've changed my mind about leaving," she interrupted in a quiet, gentle voice. "I love you, Jake. And someday you're going to wake up and see it. I'm going to talk to you about it, and touch you, and just simply love you until you let down some of those walls and let me in. If necessary, maybe we'll have to see a counselor..."
He saw the worried look on her face, the concern that he'd argue with her, reject her again. But he saw the determination, too, and his heart swelled with even more love for her. "Everything you said today was true. I have been shutting you out. I don't want to do that ever again. Because I love you, Sara. And I don't want to lose you. I want you to help me see the shades between black and white and all the colors, too."