'No, I'm fine.'
'Oh.' Lisa's face crumpled in disappointment.
'But you have something,' Dee urged. 'I believe the desserts here are really good.'
'Oh, okay then,' Lisa said, her eyes devouring the menu.
Lauren returned as the waiter came back to take their order.
'Oh, there you are, Lauren, want some dessert?'
Lauren shook her head. 'Just coffee for me.'
Lisa rolled her eyes at the waiter. 'Just the one cheesecake then, please, and I'll have a cappuccino.'
She looked around the table. 'Now, where are we going next?'
Dee was very grateful that Conor had taken Sam out for the day. Her head ached and any time she bent down, the room went into a spin. After all her protestations she had ended up drinking as much as the other girls and had been more than a little unsteady when Phil dropped her off in the early hours. Despite the upset in the restaurant which she really didn't want to dwell on, Dee had rather enjoyed her night out. Once she and Lauren had hit the dance floor they'd forgotten their differences and let their hair down. Neither of them got the opportunity to do it very often and when they did they usually came home hoarse after singing their hearts out. Last night was no exception and despite her hangover, Dee was glad she'd gone.
Lauren drove her round the twist at times and they had totally different views on raising children but she was great fun. Long after Lisa had got maudlin about Ger and Sheila had started to yawn, Dee and Lauren were going strong.
'You're unbelievable,' Sheila had complained when she'd finally got the two of them to get into Phil's car. 'You never want to come out and once you're out, you never want to go home!'
'That's why I don't go out often,' Dee had told her, closing her eyes and snuggling up against Lisa.
Now, with a very delicate stomach and at least four hours of cooking ahead of her, Dee wished she'd stuck to water and come home early but then it was good to break the rules occasionally. All that dancing and singing was surely good for her stress levels, if not her feet and throat.
She took a couple of aspirin and swallowed them with a strong cup of tea before making a start on preparing the vegetables. Hopefully the pills would have kicked in by the time she started cooking and the smells wouldn't be too hard to handle. She had just finished peeling the potatoes when the doorbell went. Who on earth was that at this hour on a Sunday, she wondered, wiping her hands in her apron as she went to answer the door. Immediately her thoughts went to Sam, although, if there was a problem, Conor would phone. Still, she hurried through the house to the hall door and threw it open.
'Hello, Dee.'
Dee stood staring, her mouth opening and closing again like a startled fish.
'Aren't you going to invite me in?' Neil said gently.
'I'm not sure,' she said eventually, her voice barely a whisper.
'That's understandable.'
'Why are you here, Neil?'
Neil didn't reply but instead held up the newspaper with the photo of Dee and Sam.
She sighed. 'You'd better come in.'
Neil wandered around the kitchen as Dee went through the motions of making tea. She wondered why she was being so polite to this man; this man who had stolen from her and left her in a foreign country without a thought or a care for her well-being. She went into autopilot and tried to come up with a plan. What could she say about Sam? Could she convince Neil that he wasn't his father? No, she realized, he'd never buy that. Sam had his dad's lopsided smile, thick mop of dark, curly hair and grey-green eyes; there was no doubt that they were father and son. Perhaps he just wanted money and thought that because Dee had her own business she was rich. He was in for a shock. Still, it would be great if she could just pay him to leave them alone. She didn't want Sam to meet Neil; it would be too unsettling.
'I've interrupted you,' he said, indicating the chopping board and vegetables.
'Yes.' Dee carried two mugs of tea to the table. She watched him as he stirred in sugar and added milk. He looked well. His hair was shorter and he was wearing dark jeans and a heavy cotton shirt in a moss green shade that brought out the green in his eyes. His shoulders were broader than she remembered and he seemed in good shape. There were a few wrinkles around his eyes – laughter lines? – but on the whole, for nearly thirty, he looked good.
'You look great,' he said.
She realized that while she had been studying him, he'd also been studying her.
'That's a lie,' she said bluntly, knowing she looked her worst. Her face was pale, there were bags under her eyes from lack of sleep, her hair was in an untidy knot on the top of her head, and she was wearing yesterday's crumpled T-shirt and jeans. It annoyed her that he should catch her looking so unkempt. When she'd imagined this confrontation – and she had, often – she was wearing a suit and heels so she could look him in the eye and show him that she was confident and successful. But the reality was very different. She felt lousy, looked lousy and her confidence was shaky at best. In contrast, Neil looked great and relaxed, which was very annoying. He had no reason to feel comfortable.
'You've grown up,' Neil said, ignoring her irritation.
'Being robbed and deserted in a foreign country has that effect,' she spat.
His eyes held hers. 'I can't tell you how much I regret doing that to you. It's tortured me every day we've been apart.'
'Not so much to make you come back or return the money. You're only here now because of Sam.'
He produced a small envelope from the back pocket of his jeans and set it down on the table next to her hand. 'That's what I owe you, with interest.'
Dee stared at it. 'It still doesn't make it all right, Neil. It's been nearly five years!'
'I know that and you're right; I probably wouldn't have come if I hadn't seen the photo. But the only reason I stayed away, Dee, is because I knew you were better off without me.'
'Oh, right, you were doing me a favour, is that it?' she said angrily.
'Yes, Dee, I was,' he said, holding her gaze.
'Well, you did the right thing then. I didn't need you then and I certainly don't need you now and neither does Sam.'
'I can understand that you're angry—'
'Can you? Can you really? You know what, Neil, I don't think you know or understand anything about me and I certainly don't think you care.'
'You're wrong. I treated you very badly and that's haunted me since we parted.'
'That's bullshit and you know it!'
He sighed. 'Okay, it's true that when we split, all I could think about was the next bet. But once I stopped gambling, I fully realized how terribly I'd treated you and how much I must have hurt you.'
'Don't flatter yourself, I was better off without you,' she said again. 'So are you back in Ireland for good now?' she asked, wondering exactly what he was after.
He kept his eyes on the newspaper in his hand. 'I'm not sure yet but when I saw the picture' – he smiled slightly – 'I had to come.'
'You can't see him,' Dee said hurriedly. 'He's not even here today—'
'It's okay, I didn't expect to meet him. I just wanted to talk about him and about you. I just wanted to catch up.'
'So what do you want to know?' she asked, thinking that the sooner she told him what he wanted to hear, the sooner she could get rid of him.
Dee was startled when his face split into a huge smile.
'Everything, every little detail,' he urged. 'When did you find out you were pregnant? You must have been so frightened. I wish I'd been here for you but I would have been more of a hindrance than a help.' He smiled at her again. 'I bet you were beautiful when you were pregnant.'
'I was big, awkward and I suffered badly with wind,' Dee said sharply but in fact he was right. She had blossomed when she was pregnant and she'd revelled in her round, ripe body and loved the sensation of her child moving within her. 'I was only home a couple of weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I did consider abortion because the last thing I wanted was your child,' she added, hoping to hurt him.
He winced but nodded in understanding and waited for her to continue.
'But they did a scan and I saw this tiny heart beating and I knew I couldn't do it.'
Neil smiled.
'I had a relatively easy pregnancy,' she continued, 'although Pauline was a thorn in my side at the time. Do you remember Pauline?'
'The aunt from hell, how could I forget? She hated me. Wasn't she at least happy that you came home without me?'
'She'd have been happier if I wasn't carrying your baby. Finally she'd thought I was getting my life back on track and going to college, and bam, I'm pregnant. She totally lost it with me. My Uncle Jack had to almost drag her out of the house. She screamed at me that I had destroyed my life but I'd made my bed and now would have to lie on it.'
'Good old Aunt Pauline,' Neil shook his head, 'she was always so supportive.'
'She improved once Sam was born,' Dee admitted, 'and he still sees her and Jack regularly. She's not the maternal sort but she does seem to have a soft spot for Sam.'
'Good, I'm glad he's had some family. My mother will be furious that she's missed out on a grandchild all these years. I don't think she'll ever forgive me.'
Dee stood up and went to put on the kettle again. She didn't really want more tea but it gave her something to do. 'Have you seen your mother?'
'Yes, I'm staying with her.'
'Oh!' Dee kept her back to him so he couldn't see the shock on her face. 'So how long have you been back?'
'A couple of months.'
Dee digested this piece of information. 'She must be pleased to have you back.'
'She seems to be but, like you, she's not sure if she can trust me. I suppose it's up to me to prove to her, to both of you, that I have changed.'
Dee said nothing, simply made more tea and sat down again.
'Go on with your story,' he urged, 'please?'
She sighed. 'Sam was born on the 18th of December.'
He frowned. 'So that was 2002?'
She nodded. 'He was seven and a half pounds, was completely bald and cried non-stop for the first seven weeks of his life.'
Neil chuckled.
'You wouldn't have been laughing if you'd been there,' Dee snapped. 'I was incredibly tired, very depressed, and I blamed you for everything.'
'I can understand that.'
Dee wished he'd stop being so reasonable. She couldn't believe that he was here in her kitchen and that they were calmly discussing his behaviour over a cup of tea. She should be screaming and shouting at him and throwing him out of the house, telling him he'd never get his hands on his son. She should be telling him about all the times that it was so hard to be alone. But now as he sat here opposite her, all she felt was sad.
'So he was healthy?' he prompted.
'Yes, he was at the beginning.'
'What do you mean?'
'He has asthma and eczema. Not badly,' she added hurriedly when she saw his eyes darken in concern. 'If he avoids cats and dogs and sticks to a healthy diet, he's fine.'
'So they can't fix it?'
She shook her head. 'No, but he should grow out of it. In the meantime, he has steroid cream for when he gets a rash and an inhaler for his breathing. I've cut all processed food out of his diet and give him as much fresh and natural food as possible. That's how I got into all this.' She waved a hand around at the food. 'It started with the crèche, I cooked all the food for the children, then I started catering for parties and business dinners and it went on from there.'
'Yes, I read the article.' He gestured to the paper on the table in front of him. 'And Lisa Dunphy runs the crèche?'
'Yes.'
'Is she as mad as ever?'
Dee couldn't help smiling. 'Not quite. We've all grown up, I suppose.'
'Is she married?'
Dee shook her head.
'And what about you? Are you in a relationship?'
Her eyes met his. 'Yes, yes I am. How about you?'
'Who'd have me?' he joked.
'True.'
He smiled sadly. 'I suppose I deserve that.'
'You do and more.' She was surprised to realize that she was close to tears. It was nearly five years ago now, why did it still hurt?
Neil watched her steadily. 'I know you probably don't care one way or the other but I've stopped gambling.'
'Yeah, right.'
'It's true. After I left you, I went to North Africa and things just went from bad to worse. I stayed there for a few months and then moved to Spain. I bummed around the resorts, doing bar work when I needed the money and then spending it. I didn't lose all the time, once I even won a few grand.'
'And blew it all in a week.'
'A weekend actually,' he corrected with a sad smile. 'Anyway, I got friendly with a Scottish guy who was working as a bouncer in Benidorm and who was even more into gambling than I was. Honest to God, he was unbelievable. If you had diarrhoea he'd bet you how long it would be before you had to go to the loo again. He had a girlfriend and sometimes she'd show up at a poker game with their kid and beg him not to spend their money. He'd tell her to shut up nagging and send her home. One night, when he was completely cleaned out, he bet their flat. It was the only possession they had left and he gave it away, just like that.'
Dee gasped. She had been taking everything he said with a grain of salt but the look on his face told her that this was true. 'What did she do?'
'She took the kid and went home to her mother.'
'And what happened to him?'
He shook his head. 'I don't know. I never saw him after that. It was the wake-up call I needed and I joined Gamblers Anonymous.' He looked down at Sam's picture and smiled. 'I was probably at my first meeting the week this guy was born.'
'It's a pity you didn't feel I was worth changing for,' she said bitterly, 'and then you could have been with him instead of alone in Spain.'
He nodded. 'I know, I'm sorry. I suppose I had to hit rock bottom before I could start to climb back up again. Anyway, I started to work long hours so that I wouldn't have time to even think about gambling.'