Isobel and Emile (10 page)

He goes to where his jacket is hanging. It is by the door that goes out of the apartment. He takes his tobacco out of the pocket.

He sits at the table. There are four chairs at the table. He makes a cigarette.

He stands in the doorway to his room. There is light coming in through the window. It is not very much light. It is still dark in his room.

He lights his cigarette. He stands in the doorway to his room. He looks at the two puppets on the floor.He smokes his cigarette.

He goes into the kitchen. There is an ashtray on the table there. He puts his cigarette out in the ashtray.

He sits at the table.

It is quiet in the apartment. It is too quiet in the apartment. He does not want to sit at the table.

He stands up. He goes to the door. He puts his jacket on and then he puts his shoes on. He puts his cap on his head.

He leaves the apartment.

He goes out the door. He locks it behind him. He goes down the stairs. He goes out the door that goes to the street. He closes the door behind him. He goes to where the streetcar stops. He stands there until a streetcar comes.

It is the middle of the night. It is cold. He does not have his gloves. They are in the apartment. He did not bring them with him.

He puts his hands into the pockets of his coat.

A streetcar comes. Emile gets on the streetcar. He pays his fare. The driver gives him a ticket. Emile finds a place to sit. The streetcar moves. It stops and then it moves again. It stops and then Emile gets off the streetcar.

He walks down the street. There is no one walking on the street. There is a homeless man lying in a doorway. He has blankets and newspapers on him. He is asleep.

Emile is in front of the bar. He stops. He tries to open the door. It does not open. It is locked.

He looks in the window. Nicolas is inside the bar. Emile knocks on the glass. Nicolas looks at the window. He sees Emile standing outside the bar.

Nicolas opens the door.

Nicolas says: ‘Emile.' He says: ‘What're you doing out?'

Emile says: ‘Can I come in?'

Nicolas says: ‘Of course.'

He holds the door open for Emile. Emile goes into the bar.

Nicolas had been mopping the floor. There is a bucket in the middle of the floor with a mop standing in it.

Emile and Nicolas walk to the bar. All of the stools are upside down on top of the bar. Nicolas takes two stools down. He puts them on the floor.

Emile sits down on one of the stools. He sits so that his back is to the bar. He looks out into the room.

There is no one else in the bar. There is no one walking past on the street outside. It is too late for that.

Nicolas goes behind the bar. He gets two glasses. He pours gin and tonic into them. He comes out from behind the bar. He is carrying the two glasses.

Nicolas sits down next to Emile. He gives Emile one of the glasses.

Nicolas says: ‘Were you working?'

Emile takes a sip from his glass. He nods his head.

Nicolas say: ‘How is it going?'

Emile does not say anything. He drinks from his glass. He looks into the empty room. He does not say anything. Nicolas does not say anything. He looks at Emile. He waits.

Emile says: ‘I am not sure.'

They sit at the bar. There is no one else in the bar. They look into the empty room.

Emile says: ‘I do not know what it is.' He drinks from his glass. He says: ‘I do not know if there is anything to it.'

He does not say anything more. Nicolas nods his head.

Emile is still wearing his jacket. Nicolas is wearing a white shirt. It is open at the collar. The sleeves are rolled up. His shoes were carefully polished. He worked all night. They are not as carefully polished now.

They finish their drinks.

Nicolas says: ‘I need to finish mopping.'

Emile nods his head.

They stand up. Emile takes the two empty glasses behind the bar. He washes them. Nicolas mops the floor.

When Nicolas is done mopping the floor he gets his jacket and his fancy scarf. They leave the bar. They go to the corner where the streetcar stops.

They wait for a streetcar to come.

A streetcar comes. They get on. The streetcar moves and then they get off the streetcar.

They are standing on the plat form in the middle of the street. They cross the street to the sidewalk. They walk down the street. They go to the door to their apartment.

Nicolas takes his key out of his pocket. He opens the door. They go inside and up the stairs. They go into their apartment. They take their jackets and their shoes off. Nicolas takes his scarf off and Emile hangs his cap on a hook.

Emile goes to the table in the kitchen. He sits down. He starts to make a cigarette.

Nicolas shakes his head. He says: ‘I'm tired, Emile.'

Emile nods his head. He puts his tobacco away.

Nicolas goes into his room. He closes the door behind him. Emile is still sitting at the table.

There is a bowl in the middle of the table. There are apples and oranges in the bowl.

Some of the apples and oranges are bruised.

Emile sits at the table. His shoulders are hunched forward. He looks at the apples and oranges in the bowl. He rubs at his eyes.

He stands up. He stands beside the table for a moment. He goes over to where the light switch is. He turns the lights out. He goes into his room.

He closes the door behind him.

Dear Emile,

You were on the train.

It's what I remember most vividly. How I stood on the platform
and watched you get on the train. You walked down the aisle,
awkwardly, because you were carrying your things, and then you
sat down.

You looked out the window. You saw me.

I made sure that my hair was not in my face, I smoothed the front
of my dress and I stood with my hands held together in front of me.
I did not cry because I wanted to be strong. I wanted you to have that
to take away with you.

You saw me and you smiled.

And then you were gone. I was left standing there, with just the
image of the train vanishing in the distance.

I was not sure what I would do.

I remembered being on the train when I was a little girl. I was
going somewhere with my mother. I don't remember where but wherever
it was it was important at the time. I remember there was an old
woman sitting across from me. She smelled sour and I didn't like her.
It was the way that she looked at me. I didn't like it. I was sitting on
my mother's lap with my face pressed up against the window. I
looked out and I wanted everything that went past. I wanted it so
fiercely. I would have wriggled o
ff
my mother's lap and reached out
the window as far as I could, I would have grabbed everything that
went rushing past, but I couldn't. The windows didn't open. I could
only look.

I don't know where you are, Emile. I don't know what you are
doing. I imagined you sitting on the train with your things in your lap.
You would have wanted them close to you, so you could be sure that
they were safe.

And I imagined you looking out the window.

I'm sitting on your bed now. It is late, I should be getting ready
to go to sleep, but I am just sitting here. My dress is lying on the floor.
I'm naked. I'm looking at myself in the mirror, at the places you
touched me. I try to touch myself like you touched me. I'm trying to
remember the way that your hands moved, and what it was like to feel
your hands move, and I can't. I can't do it.

It is getting cold here, especially at night. I am shivering. I
should get into bed, I should go to sleep. I don't want to.

I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to be the kind of
person who lives in this place. But I am. You are what makes me more
than this. The way that you touched me, what it left behind in my
body. I touch myself to remember what we were. To keep it alive.

I want more, Emile. I want what you saw, when you looked out
the window of the train. I want what I saw. Sometimes I remember
what it is like to want so fiercely. And sometimes I am just a girl lying
in bed touching myself.

You saw me standing on the platform. You saw how strong I am.
You know what I can be. I need to know that you saw that. I'm not
sure that I can do it, sometimes, and I need to remember that you saw
me. It's so that I do not forget.

I am a girl living in a room over a grocery store. I don't want this.
I want my body to be electric and alive, not this sad, worn-out thing.
I want to be more than this. I have to be.

I love you, Emile.

8

Isobel is in the room over the grocery store.

It is late. When it was earlier she was working in the store. It is late now. She is not working. Mr. Koch has gone. He stood at the bottom of the stairs. He said: ‘Good night, Isobel.' He left.

Isobel is alone.

Her body hurts. She does not notice that her body hurts anymore. She is used to it. She has been here long enough that she is used to it. It still hurts. She sits on the bed. She rubs her shoulders and her arms with her hands. It helps.

Her dress is dirty. It is starting to smell. She touches her side. There is a rip in her dress there. It is under her arm. She tried to mend it. It did not work. The cloth is too worn.

She takes her dress off. She drops it onto the floor. She stands up.

She stands in the middle of the room. She looks at the mirror. She is not as thin as she was. Her body is harder. She is getting stronger. She did not think she would change like this. It is a relief. It is not how she wants to change. It is a relief to see that she can change.

She is in the room over the grocery store. She is standing under the light. She reaches up. She turns the light out. She walks over to the bed.

She is tired. She is always tired. She does not sleep well. There is nothing she can do about it. She gets into bed. She is naked. She curls her legs up against her body. She puts her hands between her legs. It is warmer with her hands between her legs.

There is light coming in through the window. It is from the street lights outside. Isobel closes her eyes. She is cold. It cannot be helped. It is cold in the room. If she lies under the blanket for long enough then she will be warmer.

She is shivering. She pulls her legs tighter against her body. She keeps her eyes closed.

It is later. Isobel is asleep.

She is lying with the blanket tangled around her. She is holding part of it with her hands. Another part of it is between her legs.

She is moving in her sleep. She is squeezing her legs together.

It is cold in the room. It cannot be helped. It is cold outside. Isobel is moving in her sleep. The blanket is tangled around her. It is tangled so that it is not covering her.

She is naked. There are goosebumps on her skin.

She tries to stay asleep. She is dreaming. She is dreaming that she is cold.

She pulls on the blanket. It moves between her legs.

She is standing in a room. There are white tiles on the floor and on the walls and on the ceiling of the room. There is a bathtub in the room. It is in the middle of the room.

She is naked. She is walking towards the bathtub. She is going to take a bath.

She sits on the edge of the bathtub. She puts her legs into the tub. The water comes up to her knees. She puts her hands on the edges of the tub. She lowers herself into the water.

She is curled up on the bed. She shivers.

The water in the bathtub is cold. She shivers. Her hair is floating on the water. She moves her hands under the water. It does not feel pleasant.

The water is dirty. It does not bother her.

She thinks for a moment that it should bother her. She does not know why it should bother her. She decides she does not mind.

She closes her eyes. She lets her head go under the water. Her hair is floating around her head. It is like seaweed in the ocean.

She opens her eyes. The water is cold. There are goosebumps on her skin. It does not bother her. She likes it. The water is filthy. It is grey. There are things floating in it. She closes her eyes.

She raises her head. It is not under the water anymore. She lets her breath out. She moves so she is sitting.

Her back is against the edge of the tub. It is not comfortable. The bathtub is not big enough. She cannot straighten her legs. Her knees stick up out of the water.

She rests her head on the edge of the bathtub. She lets her mouth open. Her hair is over her face. It is tangled around her shoulders and floats on the surface of the water. She is cold. She can feel her skin shrivelling. She can feel herself starting to sleep.

Her mother is here.

She cannot hear her but there is something in the room that is different. She cannot say what it is. She knows that her mother is here.

She opens her eyes. Her mother is standing in the room. Isobel lifts her head. She puts her hands on the edge of the tub. She lifts her body out of the water.

She stands up. She is standing in the tub. Water runs off her body. She is filthy. Her hair is filthy. It is tangled and matted and clings to her body.

Her mother looks at her.

Isobel does not want to be naked. She tries to cover her body. She uses her hands.

Her hands do not cover her body. She is filthy.

Her mother can see her naked.

She turns her head away. Her nipples are hard from the cold. She can feel them. She puts her hands between her legs. She does not want her mother to see her. She is going to cry. She closes her eyes. She does not want to cry.

She wakes up. She is lying in her bed. The blanket is tangled around her body. She is going to cry. She does not want to cry.