Isn't That Rich?: Life Among the 1 Percent (16 page)

“Are you sure? It’s all the way downtown,” the Star offered graciously. “Is that OK for you?”

“Really, it’s exactly where I want to go,” I said.

Once settled into our back booth, my favorite table, the waitress read us a list of specials.

“We’ll take the Ackee dip and plantains, the jerk wings, and the cod fritters. Don’t forget the Blackwell rum with pineapple juice,” I said as we surveyed the incredibly cool crowd, all taking in the authentic décor composed of a variety of album covers.

As the food started arriving, we strayed from business to warm personal conversation. One knows when fast friends are in the making. I can’t say we wouldn’t have bonded over sirloin and onion rings, or cod with miso, but as far as I was concerned, the Red Stripe and jerk wings said it was the start of a beautiful bromance.

I am on my way to the airport for an afternoon flight back to the city after the Wheels Up shoot. We are rounding hairpin turns. Driving on the other side of the road, British style, can be somewhat disconcerting for a New Yorker but I get used to it. We are making good time. We pass a sign reading
19 KILOMETERS TO RUNAWAY BAY.

Runaway Bay sounds like the perfect description of what a Jamaican parish should be: no problems, mon, no shoes, maybe some jerk on the Bar B, perhaps a bit of chutney, bamie, and maybe some rice and bean. Mikey, my Rasta driver, has the kindest smile and the most colorful UFO-shaped knit cap. As we round the curves, he munches on some fresh sugar cane. The landscape, stunning; beauty in contrast to the poverty. At least it’s real, though, and has authenticity at every turn. As I look out the car window, I receive an e-mail from Chris who had journeyed to his thirty-five-hundred-acre farm, Pantrepant, in the center of Jamaica. (I call it the Jamaican Jurassic Park, with five-hundred-year-old banyan trees and gushing waterfalls.)

When I get back from Pantrepant, I am going to sell you a house at GoldenEye. It will be good for your writing
,
he wrote to my delight.

The idea of setting up my Microsoft Word where Fleming wrote all the Bond novels couldn’t be a more magical or inspiring thought. A morning swim, Blue Mountain coffee, sand between my toes, and writing sounds like the ultimate fantasy. Add to that the fact that Dana loves it as much as I do and serves as my kayaking muse.

As the fall turns into winter, I think of the crowds soon to descend on places like Miami and St. Barths, where certain people I know are already making plans to send down their yachts well in advance (it’s first come first serve for a slip) and will pay whatever it takes to be front and center with those who need to be front and center. Sounds like forced fun to me. Champagne toasts, caviar dreams, megayachts, and jerks who can’t tolerate jerk spices; it couldn’t sound less appealing. Jamaica is indeed a filter, and I think I’m going to have a house here.

And the best news of all is that Jerome and his wife won’t want to come.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my beautiful and wonderful children, Talia, Lucas, and Georgia. Thank you for enriching my life on a daily basis. I love you to “infinitry.”

Special thanks:

Thank you to Jared Kushner and my home at the
New York Observer
.

A true visionary, Faye Penn “discovered” me and molded and championed my column, and I am forever grateful.

To the
Observer
’s editor, Ken Kurson, I appreciate your keen eye and ardent support.

To Michael Gross, a greatly admired author, I am thrilled, honored, and grateful for your incredible foreword. Thank you!

To the legendary Liz Smith, thank you for your support and encouragement. I adore you.

To my dear friend Mort Zuckerman, thank you for your kind words and, most importantly, your friendship.

To my
Isn’t That Rich?
team: my fabulous friend and editor Laura Yorke, and Carol Mann for your ongoing support. To the legendary Jane Friedman at Open Road, I am honored you are turning me into a “backlist author.” Many thanks to Jack Turner and Jay Peterson at Matador for believing in my work. I am thrilled to partner with the powerhouse Meryl Poster, director extraordinaire; Azazel Jacobs; and my agent at CAA, Eric Wattenberg, on the upcoming TV show. An all-star team!

To the biggest supporters of
Isn’t That Rich?
: Liz Anklow, Sean Cassidy, David and Jamie Mitchell, Jordan and Stephanie Schur, Jay and Amy Kos, Patty and Danny Stegman, Susan Kirshenbaum and Rob Perry, Muffie Potter Aston and Sherrell Aston, Chris Blackwell, Andrew Zaro and Lois Robbins, Marisa Acocella Marchetto and Silvano Marchetto, Baron Davis, Marc Glimcher, Ron and Stephanie Kramer, Harriet and Steven Croman, Stefani Greenfield and Mitchell Silverman, Glenn Pagan and Meg Blakey, Emanuele and Joanna Della Valle, Adriana Trigiani and Tim Stephenson, Kenny and Shoshana Dichter, Lisa and Richard Frisch, Judy Licht and Jerry Della Femina, Donny Deutsch, Bippy and Jackie Siegal, Stuart Elliot, Lisa Lockwood, Lorinda Ash, Oberon Sinclair, David Lauren and Lauren Bush Lauren, Steven and Ilene Sands, Rabbi Adam and Sharon Mintz, Mark E. Pollack, Morgan Spurlock, Lottie Oakley, Joyce and Michael Ostin, Jennifer Miller and Mark Ehret, Steve and Agatha Luczo, Richard and Lisa Plepler, Randy and Jan Slifka, Valerie Mnuchin and Bruce Moskowitz, Jill and Darius Bikoff, Leah Swarzman, Marc Schwartz and Suze Yalof Schwartz, Steven Swarzman, Julie and Billy Macklowe, Ali Cayne and Franklin Isaacson, Jon Landow and Joni Wilkins, Robert and Serena Perlman, Tim and Saffron Case, Harlan Peltz, Alison Brod, Jason and Ali Rosenfeld, Larry and Joan Altman, James Blank, Amy and John Kalikow, Daryl and Irwin Simon, Susie and Kevin Davis, Rona and Fred Davis, Alexis and Erik Ekstein, Vicky Benalloul, Richard Haines, Somers Farkas, Richard and Marcia Mishaan, Haley and Jason Binn, Charlie and Lauran Walk, Mark and Karen Hauser, Joe and Jessica Meli, Julie and Bruce Menin, Dustin Cohen, Liz Nickels, Susan Krakower, Chip and Susie Fisher, John Vassilaros and Alex Gersten-Vassilaros, Amanda Ross, Bernard Peillon, Bill Gentner, Joseph Klinkov, Rob Wiesenthal,
Richard Johnson, Ginia Bellafante,
managing partner at NSG/SWAT Matt Garcia, and my long-time assistant, Carol O’Connell.

To my sources:

To Our Lady of the East River, I am only sorry I cannot reveal your identity, because no one would suspect you’d do it, but I am so very thankful.

To Southern Gentleman, I wish I could publish your name.

To one of the most famous seventies and eighties sitcom stars, Eileen Graybar (not real name), thank you, and may you get your comeback role.

And to all my sources who chose anonymity over speculation … I love and respect you, i.e., the Impossibly Blond and Glamorous Socialite, Best Man and Second Wife, the Social Powerhouse and Real Estate Mogul, the Silver Fox and L’actrice, Demoiselle, Brother from Another Mother, Blond Hollywood Wife, Hollywood Mogul, Fifth Avenue Heir, International Playboy Posse, Park Avenue Princess, British Socialite, Blond Millbrook Sportsman, Jonny Van der Klump, Queen of Couture, Principessa, Lily Whitebread, the Aging Platinum Benefactress, Cash and C
harry
, Resort Friend, and Hamptons Neighbor … to name a few. Life is richer with you all in it.

To the Open Road team: thank you to Tina Pohlman, David Adams, Nicole Passage, Mauricio Díaz, Andy Ross, Rachel Krupitsky, and Mary McAveney.

Thank you to my family. You know how much I love you.

And to all the people who gave me
attitude
and were
shady
about the column … all I can say is, you’re going to miss a really great book party …

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Richard Kirshenbaum is one of the most exciting personalities in New York City advertising. In 1987, at age twenty-six, he cofounded the Kirshenbaum Bond + Partners agency, which pioneered such innovative concepts as the pop-up store, sidewalk advertising, and other forms of high-visibility guerrilla marketing. At the time of its sale, KBP was the largest independent ad agency in the United States, with one billion dollars in billing. In 2011 Kirshenbaum launched NSG/SWAT, a high-profile boutique branding agency that works with entrepreneurs and emerging companies. He is also cofounder, with music icon Chris Blackwell, of Blackwell Fine Jamaican Rum.

Kirshenbaum has lectured at Harvard Business School, has appeared on
20/20,
was named to
Crain’s New York Business
’s “40 under Forty” list, was inducted into the Advertising Hall of Fame in 2000, and snagged second place on a list of the top one hundred US entrepreneurs. He is the author of the business book
Under the Radar
; the relationship guide
Closing the Deal
, which has been translated into nine languages; the advertising memoir
Madboy
, an Amazon bestseller; and
Isn’t That Rich?
, a compilation of essays from his
New York Observer
column. Kirshenbaum is an accomplished playwright, and his work has been produced by David Mamet’s Atlantic Theater Company. He has also contributed to
Us Weekly
’s “Fashion Police” feature and has written comedy for the legendary Joan Rivers, among others.

All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this book or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

Portions of this book have appeared previously, in slightly different form, in the
New York Observer
.

Cover design by Andy Ross

978-1-5040-0731-3

Published in 2015 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.

345 Hudson Street

New York, NY 10014

www.openroadmedia.com