Chapter 5
If You Can’t Be Witty, Don’t Be Shitty
OK, here’s what I want to know. What makes somebody get up in the morning and think that they can criticize what clothes you put on that day? I mean, really. Why do casual coworkers think you and I are fair game for their fashion assessment? “Hey, second time I’ve seen those pants this week.” “That sweater has an interesting texture. What is it, ShamWow?” “Helen, is that blouse a little young for you?”
What???
Baby, you have a false sense of intimacy. Have you looked in the mirror? Are you really close enough to me or any other person to say something like that and know that your mouth isn’t hurting their feelings? Are the objects of your ridicule close enough to you to be allowed to do the same thing to you?
Uh-huh . . . didn’t think so.
These people have no license to critique what we have on. But that’s not bad enough. They try to make a joke out of it. Notice I say “try,” because most times? It’s not even a funny one. This assumed intimacy they have is pure fantasy. Time to wake up. Hey, fashion comic: We are not intimate. Just because we work together doesn’t instantaneously make you my friend. Or my comedy cohort.
Most people don’t know how to be funny. Or witty. That is still an art form. So they attempt humorous critiques that end up coming off cruel. Funny is hit or miss sometimes, especially when it’s at the expense of other people. Last I checked, funny is to make folks laugh, not send them crying to the bathroom.
Here’s the thing. Unless you have a relationship with someone, do not say anything about their apparel unless it’s useful. Like your pants are on fire. Because I would want to know that . . . Otherwise, keep walking.
When I first hit the movie scene, I took a lot of flak for my style, my dreads, my clothes—for being myself. Hey, pretty much, I’ve always just been me. And I guess I have proved myself correct in staying true to who I am. Don’t think I could do it any other way. Want to know what I think fashion is all about? Real fashion is the fashion of my soul.
But looking back, I think perhaps some folks just weren’t ready for me. Think of what Hollywood was all about. They’d never had any experience with anyone like me. Or who looked like me or who sounded like me. So they had to sort of deal with their own issues on race and hair and what’s beautiful and what isn’t beautiful.
But I also separate the actor me from the daily me. When you’re an actor you have to look different for your role. That makes sense, right? So you put the wigs on, you put the eyebrows on, and do what you’re supposed to do to create the right look for your character. Sometimes it’s kind of fun doing that kind of dress-up. But once I come out of a role and finish a job, I don’t want anybody telling me what I’m supposed to look like. Or tell me that I’m wrong because I look a certain way. Or not the way they think I should be looking.
If I’m not working, I am about one thing and one thing only. I am all about being comfortable. I dress in a way that makes me happy. And for sure not to please others.
Don’t get me wrong, I love looking at fashion. I love fashion, I do. But you’ve got to know this about your friend Whoop. I’m not willing to run, or ride a bike, or exercise, or go to the gym. Not more than twice a year, anyway.
The fact is, I will never be six two. Things I wear will look different on me than someone else. So I wear what I like. I like jeans. I really like jeans. I also like high heels. I love great shoes. So that’s what you’ll see me in a lot.
Not too long ago there was this thing in
TV Guide
where these two women who I don’t know and who don’t know me proceeded to talk about what my character was all about based on what I wear. What?? Excuse me? You can’t do that. These were just two people making snide remarks. Don’t need ’em.
Here’s what I say to that. Do not equate my brain with my jeans.
And it’s not just me. Remember what the fashion big mouths were saying about Jessica Simpson? Looking at her magazine pictures, sucking their teeth, going, “Oh, look at her in her ‘mom jeans.’ ” Know what? That is an unnecessarily cheap shot at her and kinda lousy to moms at the same time. Who the hell are they to say that? What gratification does it give them to be mean at someone’s expense?
People made nasty comments like that about President Obama. They made an issue of his jeans when he threw out the first ball at the All-Star game in St. Louis. Why? Who was he bothering? Come on.
The tabloids, celebrity mags, and TV entertainment shows do fashion critiques all the time. But it’s not about fashion, it’s about trashin’. Their specialty is “Celebrity Cellulite!”—running unflattering pictures of stars at the beach and saying who should give up the bikini and go for the one-piece. And this is acceptable? This is a mark of journalism in a civil society, to take ambush pictures of people at the beach? And if the camera was turned around and pointed the other way, what would that look like?
Eesh. Don’t wanna know.
Maybe these public fashion attacks are what give your close personal pal, the office comedian, the idea that it’s all right to riff on what you’re wearing. Personally, I’d tell him to save it. Save it for his awesome Borat impression at the company picnic.
Chapter 6
Then Maybe You Should Stop Complaining
Look, we all get bugged by stuff people pull on us from time to time. What am I talking about? I’m talking about office gossip. I’m talking about folks trash talking you behind your back. Or stealing credit for something you did. Or making you the goat for something they screwed up.
Oh, that never happens to you? Then you must be independently wealthy from the lottery . . . ’cause the rest of us have to deal.
If someone’s behavior is driving you crazy, here’s the thing. Recognize that you have options. Here they are. Ready? You can ignore it, you can bitch about it, or you can make an attempt to fix it. It all depends on how badly you want to change the situation.
You can leave it alone and be nervous about it all the time and not ever try to correct it, or you can talk to the person and do something about it. But if it’s a matter of, “Oh, I’m too scared to do that,” then you don’t actually want to change the situation. Sorry, but that’s the truth. So what do you do?
Make a decision. What’s it worth to you?
Oh, yeah, I know it’s going to get ugly. And you kind of have to know what you’re getting into when you stir the bees’ nest. Take a sec. Pause and examine yourself and see if it’s worth the tension if you confront this person. But you also have to ask yourself, is that one moment of tension worse than what you’re dealing with on an ongoing basis? Only you know.
Taking action is hard, but know what? Enduring a bad situation can be its own hell. I have a feeling you may already know that.
And when you boil it all down, which is kind of what I’m trying to do for you here . . . these are the basics of everything: How badly do you want it to change . . . and are you willing to act? And the answer to those two questions will guide what direction you take. It will guide your choice of whether or not to talk to this person. Or to your boss, if this is person is a coworker causing a problem. It will also guide
how
you talk. Because if you go in and you’re belligerent, you might not get the result you were hoping for. In fact, I can sort of guarantee it. So count to three and think.
Now, if you decide you’re just going to ignore this situation and live with it? Cool. But stop bitching about it. Really. Otherwise, you know what you are in danger of becoming? One of those annoying people who is a chronic complainer who doesn’t do anything to change the problem.
And then we’ll all have to work up the courage to talk to you!
You have a choice to make, and it is all yours.
If your decision is to confront it—if that is right for your particular situation and you can cope with the consequences—you’ve got to say clearly what, in your mind, happened. Speak your facts. It’s all about what you say.
And how you say it.
Here’s what I’d do. Start thinking about how it all ends. That’s right. Ask yourself, “What result do I want from this?” Now, don’t blow past this. That is worth some careful thought. So many people finally seize a moment but then just barge in with mouths blazing and no goal. Big mistake. Usually, all that does is dig a deeper hole. Sit quietly first and think. Pretend you got the outcome you wanted. What
is
it? OK, now, work toward that and forget everything else. I’m here to tell you, it is so much more effective than just attacking. Anybody can do that.
Seek a result. And that starts by envisioning what it is.
And have your facts straight. When you know you are right, it’s very easy to say, “Look, here’s what I actually said,” or “Here’s why what you’re hearing about me is wrong.” But do make sure you have your facts right, because it makes every bit of difference if you are not standing on thin ice.
Got a big old iceberg under your feet? Good for you! Go for it.
Nobody has the right to put rough hands on you. You do understand that, don’t you? It’s a given. It’s wrong. It’s also illegal. But people in relationships do it all the time. And people, usually women, find themselves trapped in a world of abuse.
Now, I’ll admit to you that this is a big subject. A very big subject that’s worth a book in itself, not just a chapter. But, see, this is my shot to share with you, so if you are in an abusive relationship, I want to say something. And it’s the same thing that I say about everything:
Make a decision. Because if you’ve made a decision that you can’t do anything about your situation, you won’t.
If you have children and you’re allowing that to happen to you and your kids . . . it’s not that you can’t change your circumstances; you won’t.
And I don’t care what your background is. I don’t care what kind of relationship your parents had. None of that matters. Only one thing does.
You have to make a decision. Do you want to get hit? Do you care if your kids get hit? To me, it’s black and white. And people say, “Well, no, I can’t leave.”
You can. And you have to. Or you’re going to be dead.
Oh, I hear what you’re saying. You’re looking at that scary step, saying life will be harder in a lot of ways if you take it. You want it to be easy, but it’s just not going to be. You may have to start again. You may have to go in a different direction. But you’ve got to do it. You’re in a bad relationship. You’re in a physically bad relationship. I’d rather be angry and upset in a different state.
Escape. Yes, it’s a bold move. You leave your job. You go start somewhere else. And when you get to the state that you’re driving to, you go directly to the family services and say, “I just left an abusive relationship and I need help.” Period.
But you have to make a decision. It’s the only way. You
have
to make the decision.
Help yourself a little by making a plan. If you’ve gone to work and you have a car there, pick the kids up after school—make sure you’ve packed the car first, if you can do that—and leave. Leave everything you know. The kids are not going to be happy. They’re going to be mad at you because of all their friends. It’s not worth losing your teeth or your life.
Move.
You have to do it. You’ve got to do it. You. Can’t. Stay.
Now. If that abusive person’s with you 24/7, you need to creatively find a way to get to the police station. And if that person leaves you alone for a minute? You’ve got to seize that opportunity and go. Escape. It’s not a discussion. It’s not a question. No one has the right to put their hands on you. Nobody.
Know something? I have had friends in these bad relationships and they’ve asked me what to do about it, and I’ve said, “You’ve got to go.” And they say, “I can’t.” And I say, “You would not let anybody do to your kids what is being done to you. So why are you letting that person do it to you? Is it OK because he only does it when he’s mad, or when he’s drunk? No!”
You’re not going to make it better. You’re not going to change the person. You can’t stay there. It’s not going to change. Until you do.
But don’t say you can’t. Because you can.
OK, this may shock you, but I don’t think the language I use is inappropriate. All right, maybe it would be in church. But this is me. This is just how I talk, and I’ve never looked at it as inappropriate. So the things that seem to freak other people out, don’t freak me out. It works the other way too. The words that freak me out generally don’t freak others out.
Sort of makes life interesting for all of us, huh?
Want to know what words really freak me out? They aren’t the curse words. Nope. The words that go up my ass are “stupid” and “dummy.” Know why? Because you can’t say either of those words with a smile. If you’re somebody who doesn’t like my curse words, I get it, that’s fine. Tell you what. I’ll make a little pact with you. When they remove “stupid” from the English language, or “dummy” from the English language, I will temper my “fucks” and “shits.” But until then? Not gonna happen.
What I am about to say I
know
freaks people out:
I would love to teach every kid to say “fuck.” Hang on, now, hang on, listen to why. The reason is because to me, that is a word that doesn’t have any effect. But “stupid” and “dummy”? You can say it to someone who is six and you can say it to someone who is a hundred and six and they will hunch their shoulders and it will be like somebody kicked them in the stomach because they are harsh, ugly words.
“You’re so stupid.” Man, they say it on TV, they say it as jokes, they say it in the movies, they say it in the commercials, kids say it to each other, and it’s a horrific word. And to me, the ugliest, most reprehensible word in the English language is “stupid.” So, yes, I understand a lot of people don’t get my love of verbiage. But maybe if they could pause and take a look at it my way, I bet of all the words that hurt them—I mean really, really hurt them—they’d realize that “fuck” just isn’t one of them.
Look, I enjoy my freedom. And I enjoy my freedom with those words. When it makes other people uncomfortable they say, “Whoopi, you’d be so much smarter if you didn’t do it that way.” Well, it’s possible, sure. But guess what? I like the way I do it. And if you have noticed anything about me over the years, you may have an inkling that I’m not about to stop. So if you are one of those people, you have a choice to make. You can either hear what I have to say, and maybe hear some of those words—and know that they are words that I love because they have no harm in them—or don’t. And maybe miss out on something that might be kind of fun or smart. But the choice is always yours.