Irrevocably Mine (Imagine Ink Book 3) (17 page)

“Shush, Stacy, it’s not that bad and you know it. I’m a good friend, so I’ll let you pretend, but I’ll always know that you hugged me back and liked it.” They stayed in that embrace for a while, at least until Gus’ tears were under control. Gus pulled away first and that was a rare occurrence. “As lovely as this is, I’ve gotta pee…now.” She bolted for the bathroom.

Was Gus rubbing off on her? Stacy was more comfortable with affection in general. And more importantly, she trusted the people around her to be there when she needed. She was starting to feel like she belonged. Not just on the fringes or close to a few, but a part of a whole group, The Reids. An ache bloomed in her gut, one with Troy’s name written all over it. How long had she wished this for him as he was growing up? Dreamed he’d have more than just her and John. Was that why she pushed them away for so long, pushed everyone away? She blamed it on the mess with Hank, and sure, he influenced her actions, especially where men were concerned, but was it guilt over Troy that had her keeping other ties at a distance?

That revelation rocked her to the core. It was. “I keep men at a distance because of Hank, but I shun any chance at a family because of guilt, plain and simple. I’ve been refusing to indulge in something I couldn’t provide for my little brother.” Stacy hadn’t realized she spoke aloud or that Gus was out of the bathroom until the woman cupped her cheeks and her blurry face entered her vision.
Blurry? Tears.

Stacy launched herself into Gus’ arms and hugged her with total abandon this time. “Ohmygod, Gus. So much makes sense now. It’s like years of questions have been answered in a single second.”

“I’m so happy for you.” Something in her voice was…different. As Gus created enough distance to stare at her face, Stacy studied the other woman’s eyes but she couldn’t identify what she was seeing there. As expected, there were tears, it was Gus, after all. There was true happiness directed at Stacy, but there were some unidentified emotions and that bothered the shit out of the lawyer part of her.

Before Stacy could quiz her friend, she whispered in a tone full of awe, “You’re my second unicorn, and…I...I feel the same way.” A sound of disbelief puffed from her mouth, disturbing the air around them. Gus leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips. “I’m drawn to you in the same way I was with Walker, but it’s not sexual, it never was.”

Ohhhhhkayyyyy?

As Gus stared at her with a kind of reverence, Stacy pieced together what Gus, Tori, and Erika had told her about Walker’s recovery and Gus’ words started to make sense. There was a moment when Gus was helping Walker overcome his anger issues, some fueled by alcohol, when Walker had a revelation of sorts. Gus described it at seeing someone’s soul or something like that and she was attracted to Walker in that moment. Everyone had forgiven her but she hadn’t forgiven herself, thinking she crossed a line in her mind.

It was obvious Gus had just witnessed that with Stacy and it somehow absolved her of the guilt she’s been lugging around for over a year.
Holy hell, Stacy, the more time you spend with these people, the closer you are to reading auras and aligning chi or some shit.
Even the self-chastisement couldn’t negate what had taken place. Real or imagined, it changed something in Gus for the better.

Dropping to her knees, Stacy knelt in front of her friend and took her hands in hers. “You’re your own unicorn, Gus. Look at you. You’re here crying and beaming, all at the same time, over something that happened over a year ago. How does it feel to finally let go?” Stacy only asked because she felt the same but didn’t have the words to adequately describe it.

“You’re right, I am and it feels…like my soul has been liberated from a suffocating prison.”

Yeah, that.

“I want it all Gus, with Dax, I mean. I want the teenage kid, babies, a yappy fucking dog, his laundry that misses the hamper and holiday dinners where at least three people fight and get pissed off about dry turkey and shitty pie. I want a real family.”

“Then, take it. Dax has wrapped it up in a bow for you, all you have to do is take it.” Stacy rose and helped Gus to her feet. She wasn’t showing a lot yet, but she still seemed to not be a spry as she used to be.

“I will, I’m going to go over there as soon as I scrape the fuzz off my teeth…”

Gus wiped her own mouth, then interrupted, “Yeah, lady, please do. The kiss was nice, but the smell wasn’t.” Another whole body laugh followed.
Oh yeah, she was rubbing off on Gus.

“But you have to promise me something?” At Gus’ nod, she continued. “Promise me you’ll take it too? John can do the same thing for you, but he’s more of a hide-the-package kind of guy, or deny its existence. No pun intended. Believe me when I say he has it wrapped up and ready to offer, but the pregnancy announcement threw him for a loop. You need to go after him or he will sit back and allow you both to be miserable. Can you just, I don’t know, call him over to your place and just get naked and jump him? Believe me, right now, that’s about the only signal he will get.”

Gus blushed. It was weird watching a pregnant woman blush talking about sex. “I was thinking of doing just that, not that I planned to share with his sister, ew.”

“Ew, indeed, but desperate times and all that.” Stacy paused to collect her thoughts. She wasn’t used to letting her emotions drive her so it took some getting used to. “Thank you, Gus. Just your presence makes a difference and I can’t wait until we’re sisters in truth. Now, mushy shit aside, I need to get ready and go stake me a claim. Like his Viking ancestors, I’ve got pillaging to do.”

T
alking with Sam was surreal
, heck, looking at her was no better. She was still Sam, just older. Of course, he was too. Other than the physical differences, she seemed like the same girl he cared about when they first started dating. What surprised him most was the affection he felt for her. It wasn’t sexual, but it did seem to run deep, which made sense even when many things didn’t. They’d been each other’s first, and you always hold a special place for that person in your heart. But it was more than that. They had created an amazing human being with that affection.

While it had not been enough to build a marriage on, it had been enough to tie them together forever, through Macy. Sam was nervously making small talk, but Dax couldn’t keep up, not with the elephant in the room. Finally, he interrupted her talk of weather and rehab. Taking her hands, which hadn’t stopped nervously wringing since he entered, in his, he blurted, “I’ll eventually forgive you, Sam. I knew I would the moment I looked into our daughter’s eyes and saw the job you did raising her. It won’t be easy, and I don’t know when, but I can and will.”

The tears she shed were accompanied by a sigh of relief Sam breathed. Dax released her hands and she tugged them to her face to swipe at the tears tracking down her cheeks. When she wrapped her arms around her waist, it hit home how terrified she was of his reaction. “Thank you, Dax. I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take it. This is not easy for either of us, but you deserve to know why I did what I did.”

As much as Dax wanted answers, it was draining Sam to deal with it all; there would be time. He kept reminding himself what mattered in this moment. She’d never badmouthed him to his daughter. She didn’t lie to her about him, except in a way to try to make sure he held a place in her heart. Even with everything she’d stolen from him where Macy was concerned, he couldn’t forget that. Yes, he was still upset, and angry, but it wasn’t the time to address it. He wanted to rail at her, yell even, and hold her accountable for every single second she had taken from him, but now was not the time.
Remember, she is the mother of your child, and Macy will never forgive you if you hurt her or set back her recovery
. That was the thought that stayed his tongue.

“I don’t need to know now, Sam.” For the most part, it was true. He could live the rest of his days without knowing, but he was curious. That sense of inadequacy as a husband did gnaw away at him. He would appreciate some closure, but not at the expense of her recovery or his daughter’s irritation with him.

“But, I need to tell you.” She was draining fast, so Dax acquiesced for the sake of expediency. At his nod, she began, “Let me start by saying not a single decision I made was your fault nor could you have changed it. You were a good man, Dax. I was so in love with you back in high school. I thought nothing could hold us back. What we had was the stuff books were written about. But, high school wasn’t the real world. You started leaving me behind. You were going to college and acing every single class you took. You had jobs and work friends…things that made you happier than I did.”

Dax wanted to protest, but he found her words to be kind of truthful. Those things did add a joy to his life that Sam never did. Guilt that he had caused this started to assail him.

“I wasn’t good at any of those things. I was good at being there when you got home. Having dinner ready and the house cleaned. I was good at sex. Those were my three specialties, while you were good at everything. I began to feel like I was holding you back, and in a way, I was, but I was selfish and I didn’t care that I held you back, at least that’s what I told myself. Now, I understand what was going on, but back then, I didn’t.”

“I didn’t…”

“Please, just let me finish, then I’ll answer your questions. I know you’ll have a million. I did, still do. Anyway, Macy came along and I thought things would be different, better. They were different, but not exactly better. Every time you looked at her, you fell a little bit more in love with her, and I fell a little bit more in love with you. I saw the love you were capable of in everything you shared with her. The love you never held for me.” Dax made a sound of protest and was halted again by his wife. It was weird to think of it that way.

“I know you loved me, Dax, I never doubted that, but you were never in love with me. Anyway, the closer you two got, the more escape I needed from it. I kind of blamed you. Since you didn’t seem to want me physically, I chose to escape that way. I don’t know if you ever realized it, but I can never apologize enough. You deserved so much better, but at the time, I needed to feel something that you couldn’t or wouldn’t give me.”

“I knew. I knew and I did nothing to discourage it, so you are not solely to blame, Sam. I should’ve said something or…did something. I hate to admit it, but you’re right, I wasn’t in love with you. Not the way I needed to be to keep our family together.”

Silence overtook the room for a while. Neither spoke, but they never broke eye contact. Then, a ghost of a smile crossed Sam’s face. “You see, loyal ‘til the end. Even knowing what I was doing, even now after I took your daughter, you’re still trying to help me shoulder the blame. The truth is, Dax, I didn’t love you that way either. Sure, I thought I did, but the truth is what it is. I loved you deeply, but not as a wife should love a husband. That’s when I left. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror knowing that everything I did, I blamed you for, but I was guilty of the same. I decided I really was holding you back, just not in the way I thought. I packed up Macy and left, and I never looked back. I didn’t take her to hurt you, regardless of what you might believe, I just couldn’t live without her and I couldn’t stay with you.”

Digesting what she was saying was like trying to swallow razorblades by chasing them with bleach. No matter what she needed to say or hold true for her recovery, the fact remained that Dax was just as much to blame as Sam. They were young and stupid, neither knowing what love was. Hell, Dax didn’t know until he met Stacy. He would hold his tongue, because Sam needed to make amends.

“I never told her a negative word about you and she knows that you have always loved her, it was the least I could do. I know it’s not enough, but I am sorry for my choices that caused you pain.”

Genuine regret was like a flashing beacon coming from her heart. How could he not forgive her? For her recovery, for his daughter, and for himself, he had to. Even though he didn’t feel the depth of forgiveness she needed, he would fake it until he did.

“I know, Sammysue, and I forgive you. For everything. I hope you can forgive me, too.” His affectionate name for her wasn’t missed as the tears welled in her eyes, once again. He felt his coming on, as well. Moving around the table, he lifted her from the chair and embraced her. It felt good, not the way it once did, but better. This was an embrace between friends, parents, with no secrets and it was comforting. He wasn’t to that place yet, but he knew he would be eventually. So, he gave her the words she needed for now, and his true forgiveness would follow, for his daughter’s sake if for no other reason.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Dax, but if you need the words, then yes, I forgive you.” Their embrace lingered, neither felt the need to pull away just yet, both relishing in the forgiveness and redemption it embodied. Dax knew it would take time, but it wasn’t impossible. “I have one more thing to offer you, it’s in the papers at Addy’s, it’s a divorce. I’ve already signed it. With the custody not a contest, you should be able to sign and file and be done with me.”