Introducing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (Introducing...) (16 page)

If you are trying to encourage a struggling friend to do well, which of the following approaches might work best?

Come on. You can do this. So you’ve made mistakes – that’s normal. Focus on what you
can
do – I know you can get there if you just keep going
.

OR

You idiot. How stupid are you? Look at all the mistakes you are making! You always get everything wrong. Go on, try again – give everyone a laugh
.

It seems obvious doesn’t it? Even leaving aside the fact that the second approach is clearly nasty and unkind, which of the two approaches is likely to be more effective in getting the desired result? It seems pretty clear that the first approach is more compassionate and more likely to help someone achieve what they are trying to than the second. Yet when we criticize and beat ourselves up inside our own heads, we’re taking the second approach. No wonder we feel more discouraged and depressed.

People who are effective in what they are trying to do usually act as a friend to themselves. They are encouraging, supportive and compassionate to themselves in the same way we might choose to be to a good friend.

Let’s look at how Linda might add compassion into her thought balancing:

A helpful story: the poisoned parrot

Imagine you are given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot. It doesn’t have any knowledge, wisdom or insight – it’s bird-brained after all. It recites things ‘parrot fashion’ without any understanding or comprehension. It’s a parrot.

However, this particular parrot is a poisoned parrot. It’s been specifically trained to be unhelpful to you, continually commenting on you and your life in a way that constantly criticizes you and puts you down.

For example, your bus gets stuck in a traffic jam, and you arrive at work 5 minutes late. The parrot sits there saying:

There you go again. Late! You just can’t manage to get there on time can you? So stupid. If you’d left the house and got the earlier bus you’d have arrived with loads of time to spare and the boss would be happy. But you? No way. Just can’t do it. Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!

How long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage or getting rid of the parrot?

Yet we can often put up with the voice of this internal bully for far too long – decades, even. We hear that ‘parrot’, believe it, and naturally get upset. This then affects the way we live our lives, the way we behave towards others, what we think about others and the world, and how we think and feel about ourselves.

We can learn to employ an antidote: notice that parrot, and cover the cage!

Say to yourself, ‘It’s just that parrot again. I don’t have to listen to it – it’s just a parrot!’ Then go and do something else. Put your focus of attention on something other than the parrot. This parrot is poison though, and it won’t give up easily. You’ll need to keep using that antidote and be persistent! Eventually it will get tired of the towel, tired of you not responding. You’ll notice it less and less. It might give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, or perhaps it will just fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.

This story was used with the kind permission of Kristina Ivings and Carol Vivyan
.

Self-bullying is not helpful to you. Try treating yourself as you would a friend. Encourage yourself and you’ll be more effective

Thinking about thinking

Think about your mind. How many thoughts do you think you have in one day? How often do things just pop into your mind that seem random, even strange? Our minds are busy, busy places and not all thoughts deserve our attention. When we are depressed any negative thought that pops into our head tends to grab our attention – we believe it and assume it is true simply because it fits with how we feel. Sometimes this can happen without us even noticing it – negative thoughts follow negative thoughts and our mood gets lower and lower. Training ourselves to become more aware of what is going on in our minds can show us that thoughts are just
thoughts
– not facts. As we have seen, thoughts can be biased, wrong and unhelpful. With practice we can learn to separate the good from the bad and choose which to listen to.

Imagine you are standing by the side of the road watching the traffic go past. Your thoughts are like big red buses passing. On the side are written the contents of your thoughts. You can choose to get on a bus or just to let it pass. Watch your thoughts. If a bus comes along with ‘you are an idiot’ written on it – do you
really
want to get on that bus? Will it take you somewhere you want to go? Which bus might be more helpful for you to get on to? Let the ‘idiot’ bus go past – and get on a better bus.

Thoughts are
thoughts
– not facts!

Try this exercise, based on a meditation approach called
mindfulness
.

Sit comfortably with your hands resting in your lap and either close your eyes or gently focus on something in front of you. Now, gradually become aware of the sounds around you – what can you hear? Perhaps a ticking clock, people outside the room or the sound of birds or traffic? Just focus on and become aware of the sounds. Try this for a few minutes …

What happened in your mind during this exercise? The chances are that it was hard to stick with just focusing on the sounds. Most people find that their minds bombard them with many thoughts, worries and questions. Some thoughts are particularly ‘sticky’. They come into our minds and it’s very hard to move our attention away from them because of the way they make us feel. Practice this exercise again. Each time you find a thought pulling your attention away, notice that this has happened and simply let that thought go past, like a bus. Move your attention gently back to listening for the next sound. Don’t force it – this will only make the thought stickier. Just coax your mind back to what you are focusing on. You may have to do this dozens of times in just a few minutes. That’s normal. But the more times you wander into thinking, the more chances to practice tuning back to the sounds you will have. If you find it difficult, watch out for that parrot telling you that you can’t do it!

Find out what works for you

Don’t forget, this book offers ideas and guidance using a range of techniques. You are looking to find those that help you most. Some people who suffer from depression only make limited progress with certain psychological therapies, and when such people are also averse to drugs, they can be in trouble. However, there are always ways through.

Case study – Joe

Joe’s childhood was isolated after his mother lost her first child to diphtheria. Deprived of social contact and play, Joe was bullied at school and was a ‘dreamer’ in class. In his working life he was introverted, tense, serious and hyper-critical of others. He was never happy with his place on the career ladder, although he was considered by others to be very successful. He suffered depression throughout his adult life and only made friends through team sports and sports clubs. He was married for 20 years before separating from his wife.

Joe consulted 6 or 7 psychotherapists over 2 decades. In therapy he learned to understand the possible causes of his depression, but his moods persisted. Indeed, at times they got worse and when he started having suicidal thoughts he consulted a psychiatrist. The various drugs prescribed all had side-effects Joe couldn’t tolerate and he felt he was back to square one.

Then Joe came across the Buddhist teachings on suffering and the causes of suffering. He learned to use
mindfulness meditation
to investigate the reality of his own distress. He started to think about the way in which his mind worked and began to recognize the negative thoughts that drove his depression. He found that as he did this he became more able to question the validity of those thoughts and to change how he interpreted things around him. Joe also looked at his activities and lifestyle. He built in more time with people he cared about and tried out some new social activities.