Into the Darkness (11 page)

“He seems safe enough,” I said.

“Safe? What’s that supposed to mean? I never wondered if a boy was safe or not.”

“It could mean a lot of things, Ellie. Sometimes it’s not safe getting too involved with someone. He or she
could be a bad influence, bring a lot of his own personal baggage that could depress you,” I added, thinking of Brayden.

“God, you’re getting to talk like Mrs. Fishman, the health teacher. Next thing I know, you’ll start talking about peer pressure and all that other garbage we hear from her until it comes pouring out of our ears.”

“You asked my opinion, so I’m giving it to you.” I paused. Was I was being too curt and lofty? Wasn’t this what they were always accusing me of being? Who was I to give anyone romantic advice, anyway? “I haven’t heard anything terribly negative about Bobby Harris. But I haven’t heard all that much about him, anyway,” I added in a softer tone.

“Oh, so now you think he’s boring, not unsafe enough. Is that it?”

“What? No,” I said, laughing. “A boy doesn’t have to be unsafe to be interesting.” I thought about my father’s joking. “That would make Jack the Ripper an ideal date.”

“I asked around about your new neighbors. Nobody knows anything about them. Most were even surprised to hear someone had moved into the house. Tami Spaulding’s aunt lives on your street. She was there yesterday, and she said the house looks just as deserted as ever.”

“They haven’t gotten around to doing much yet,” I said. “Mr. Matthews travels on business and is away on an important trip he had to make. They’ll probably dress up the place when he returns.”

“Oh, so you really are getting to know this someone who is very good-looking,” she quickly concluded.

“I’ve spoken to him a few times, but I’d never claim I’ve gotten to know him yet.”

“What’s that mean? You know, you speak more and more in riddles these days, Amber. Everyone says so. Most don’t even want to make the effort.”

“Sometimes things aren’t as clear as we would like,” I said. “So they seem like riddles. I don’t mean it to sound like that. Look, I’ve learned he’s just very cautious when it comes to meeting new people.”

“Cautious? Safe? Can you speak English? Never mind. What’s his name? You know that, at least, don’t you?”

“Brayden.”

“Brayden. I like that. It sounds safe.”

“Okay, Ellie.”

She laughed. “So? Did you get a chance to ask him to go to Charlotte’s party?”

I hesitated, not wanting to give her Brayden’s real answer. All that would do would lead to more questions.

“He has a conflict with some family things he has to do,” I said.

“Oh, too bad. Well, we’ll try to arrange something else soon.”

“Yes, good idea.”

“Are you coming to the party anyway?”

“I think so.”

“Why can’t you just say yes? I can pick you up if you want. Well?”

“Okay.”

“Or if you’d like, I can arrange for Shayne Allan to pick you up. I’d be glad to do it.”

“No, that’s fine. I don’t need anyone to arrange for me to meet Shayne Allan.”

“You’re not afraid of him or something, are you? You don’t see him as being unsafe? I’m not kidding this time.”

“No, I’m not afraid of him. I’m just a fan of letting things happen naturally.”

“Huh? Naturally? I swear, I have to work on my foreign-language skills so I can understand you. Anyway, I’ll pick you up around seven-fifteen. Don’t forget, wear something red, white, or blue or all three.”

“Why didn’t she just make a party? Why the July Fourth excuse?”

“It will work when her parents find out,” Ellie explained. “She’ll claim she was just being patriotic.”

“Give me a break. They’ll believe that?”

“She’s just being cautious. That’s a new thing for Charlotte to try, caution.”

She laughed again, and then we ended the conversation with my reassuring her that I would go to the party.

Ellie did make me think about Shayne Allan. Why was I really avoiding him? I asked myself. Was I afraid of having what everyone thought was the most ideal relationship, the prom king and his queen? Or did I think that because he was so perfect, I would look inferior? Was I really that arrogant? Was I simply just a prude? I overheard the things Ellie and the other girls said about me. I knew they believed that I was afraid of sex. Maybe they were right. Maybe every clever thing I said was simply a way to avoid facing the truth, a rationalization,
a smoke screen so no one would be able to see just how frightened I really was to be involved with anyone.

And then it occurred to me that maybe that was Brayden’s problem, too. Perhaps what was happening between his own parents caused him to be timid about having any relationship of his own. How could anyone living in a family like his not be suffering from some emotional and psychological issues himself? His bravado and clever talk were his smoke screen. We were more alike than I first thought.

That’s why he sensed what I was thinking. He thought about the same things. No matter how cavalier he was about making friends and having relationships, the truth was, he was very lonely. And I had to admit to myself that I was, too.

Perhaps if I helped him break out of his self-inflicted imprisonment, I would help myself do the same.
There. If I needed a reason to keep trying, I found one,
I thought.

I went to my window again, hesitated, and then deliberately opened the curtain wider.

He’s watching me,
I thought confidently.
Somewhere in the darkness, he’s fixed on my lighted windows, drawn to them like a moth to a candle.

I began to undress, doing my best to pretend to be oblivious, acting as if I had forgotten that someone had moved in next door. Nevertheless, my heart was pounding. I paraded around in my bra and panties and then paused and undid my bra with my back to the window. I slipped it off and down my arms and then tossed it onto a chair as casually as a nightclub stripper. I straightened up with my arms at my sides. I could feel my nipples
harden. A tingling began to swirl in my stomach and the insides of my thighs. I felt my breath quicken, my lips moisten. All I had to do was turn around. I started to, but I didn’t. It was as if there were invisible hands on my shoulders pressing down firmly to prevent me from doing so. My body calmed. I walked away, put on my nightgown, and turned off the lights.

It was a mean thing to do, I decided. I knew there were all sorts of nasty names for girls who would do something like that. They certainly didn’t earn themselves any respect. I could feel my body filling up with guilt and shame. I couldn’t imagine my mother ever having done something like that when she was my age, and I knew how disappointed my father would be if he knew about it.

What would Brayden think of me now? Would he pretend that he hadn’t seen me? Maybe he hadn’t. Perhaps he really had gone to sleep. That was certainly possible. I hoped so. It helped me to feel better, and I was able to fall asleep quickly. But sometime during the night, I woke up, and for a moment, I thought Brayden was standing there, looking down at me and shaking his head disdainfully. I sat up quickly, nearly crying out.

But he wasn’t there.

The star glow on the walls made the threads in my pink and white wallpaper sparkle. I could hear the wind weave itself around our house, rush over the roof, and pluck at the rain gutters. I sat for a moment, my hands clasped between my breasts, and then I lowered myself to my soft, oversized pillows. For a while, I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid to fall head over heels down the well
of my dreams, but sleep finally seized me again, and I didn’t wake until I heard my father coming up the stairs with Mom’s cup of coffee.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, and then I stopped suddenly, actually freezing in place.

The curtains on my windows were closed tightly.

I didn’t remember doing that.

“Now, don’t spend your entire day off sitting in the house reading or doing any of the housework,” my mother warned me at breakfast. “That’s not why we want you not to come to the store, Amber.”

“I won’t,” I promised, and then told her that I had decided to go to Charlotte’s party for sure and that Ellie was picking me up.

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said. “Did you ask the new boy to go?”

“I did, but he can’t go.”

“Why not?”

“He doesn’t want to leave his mother alone so soon after moving into a new house,” I told her. It was probably one of the real reasons for his declining my invitation, I thought, if not the only one.

“Oh, well, I suppose that’s very thoughtful and considerate of him.” She smiled. “I’m sure you’ll have a good time.”

I wasn’t so sure, but I was also not so sure that everyone else’s parents were going to be as overjoyed about them attending a party at Charlotte Watts’s house.
Previously, there had been some incidents with binge drinking and drugs. If Charlotte’s father wasn’t so influential, she would surely have been in more trouble. Her driver’s license had already been revoked once, but it was quickly restored. Wealthy, prominent people did seem immune from the consequences everyone else had to face, even in a town as small as ours.

My parents weren’t worried about my getting into any trouble, anyway. They had confidence in me. I had never been in any trouble at school, never late for a class or bawled out for talking while the teacher was lecturing. Maybe I was the ideal goody-goody, but if it made my parents happy, it didn’t bother me the way I knew it would bother some of my friends.

Think of the words kids my age hate to hear in reference to themselves,
I thought.
Decent, well-behaved, obedient,
and
respectful
were a few that some grimaced at hearing next to their names.

My mother was obviously just happy I was getting out, doing any sort of socializing with kids my age. I had no idea how often my parents discussed me and my practically nonexistent social life, but I was confident that it was quite often these days. Daughters of their friends were much more active and even more involved with after-school activities. In their minds, I was surely living the life of a wallflower, always sitting on the sidelines, enviously watching the other girls having the best times of their lives. Here I was, by everyone’s standard attractive and polite, responsible and bright. What kept me from at least enjoying as much as someone who was considered plain and average?

Surely they wondered if they were responsible in some way. Were they too restrictive? Had they been demanding too much from me? Was my working in the store discouraging? Was there something they had done that discouraged me from reveling in my youth? It had to puzzle them. They were far from dour people. Yes, they worked hard at our family business, but they weren’t severe and dreary and didn’t insist that I work as hard as they did. Rarely was either of them stuck in a state of depression. Everyone has down moments, disappointments, and some unhappiness, but my parents were not the kind of people who would dwell on anything unpleasant. In fact, Dad always found something funny in the end, something that made him laugh at himself, and Mom believed in the sunny day ahead.

She had faith that no matter what, morning would bring a change. Whatever the challenge, whether it was something economic, an illness, or an accident, things would get better as soon as the sun came up. They always did get better if you believed they would. No, our house was papered in optimism. We smiled and laughed far more than we scowled and cried. All of the kids my age admired my parents, talked about how young they looked and acted, how easy they were to talk to, and how comfortable my parents made them feel.

Surely my peers believed there was no other reason I could possibly have for being so negative and skeptical except arrogance. Or maybe I was simply too afraid of life, of disappointing my parents or even myself. Few of my friends worried about such things. In fact, being around me was probably a downer for them, because I,
with just my mere presence, would remind them of the consequences that their misbehaving might bring.

I didn’t smoke and always refused to drink hard liquor, even beer most of the time. I had not taken and would never take any drugs. Thanks to Ellie, I had just learned that some of the boys were calling me Prudence Perfect. Hearing that and how even the girls were doing it these days, I was honestly surprised that Charlotte had bothered to invite me to her party. It had to be Ellie’s doing, but I thought that my mentioning a new boy in town had the most to do with her invitation becoming more enthusiastic. Now that I wasn’t bringing him, I had to wonder how she and her friends would treat me. I was beginning to have second thoughts about going, but I also knew that it would disappoint my mother and probably my father if I didn’t go. What could I possibly use as an excuse for changing my mind, anyway? A headache?

Despite Mom’s warning before they left for the store, I went around the house doing some vacuuming and furniture polishing. After that, I spent a few hours straightening up my room and bathroom. Finally, I put on a bathing suit, grabbed a beach towel to place on the chaise, and went out back to get some sun and read. What else was I going to do? No one had called to ask me to do anything with them lately, although I felt certain that many of the girls were out together, perhaps shopping for something new to wear to the party. The way things were going, I was even surprised to get the phone call from Ellie and have her volunteer to pick me up for the party.