Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (46 page)

Feeling while touching
doesn’t have to involve drastic changes in behavior. One partner touches the other, while both of you mentally follow your point of physical connection as it moves. Instead of focusing on your sexual technique (or on your physical sensations) focus on
feeling
each other.

Feeling while touching
requires a renewed collaborative alliance rather than new physical positions. You can start with any way you can feel each other. I suggest starting with hands, face, and arms rather than with each other’s breasts, buttocks, and genitals. Once you recognize what feeling your partner (and being felt) is like, “follow the connection” as the two of you expand your range of touch. Let that feeling be your guide as to what to do next. When you can’t feel your partner, stop briefly and return to what you were doing when you could. Discipline yourself to stick with what works and stay in the moment with your partner. That’s your collaborative alliance. There’s no technique or sequence to follow. It’s just you and your partner, and what’s happening between you.

Talking is appropriate. Smiling helps. Crying is allowed. Tears often flow as partners rediscover old friends. Slow-paced touch usually works better. Candles, incense, and music help create a soft, inviting mood. However, they can also feel artificial and contrived. Sometimes it’s best to keep things simple to keep the focus on the two of you. Profound silence can be perfect, too.

Bridging from
heads on pillows
to
feeling while touching
went relatively smoothly for Juanita and Larry. All it took was Larry tenderly touching Juanita’s arm. Juanita let her mind follow Larry’s touch, and Larry felt her opening to his caress. Juanita and Larry did
feeling while touching
all over each other’s body. Juanita settled down, and they enjoyed being together in whole new ways. The experience was an end in itself, completely satisfying.

This led to a common situation: Juanita encouraged Larry to insert his penis and have intercourse. As she said this, Larry’s ability to feel Juanita completely evaporated. He hadn’t even moved a muscle. Larry said, “I don’t know if it’s you or it’s me, but I suddenly can’t feel you. Let’s stay with what we’re doing until we can be together when we do that.”

Juanita smiled. “I felt it leave too, but since I offered, I felt I couldn’t say anything. I offered intercourse thinking that’s what you wanted.”

Larry laughed. “Please, no more favors like that.” His tone was light but serious. Juanita nodded and they went back to stroking each other’s bodies.

“Hmmmmmmm.” Juanita sighed.

“I know,” Larry said, “I can feel you again too.”

Hugging till relaxed, heads on pillows
, and
feeling while touching
have many things in common. They build a collaborative alliance with your partner. They are physical forms of collaborative alliances. They make your alliance with your partner more resilient. And they tangibly demonstrate your progress.

Each tool quiets your brain. Each one is a window into your mind. Each one is shaped by you, your partner, and your relationship. No two couples see, say, and do the exact same thing. You can use these tools early in rebuilding a collaborative alliance.

Hugging till relaxed
,
heads on pillows
, and
feeling while touching
are better than intercourse for jump-starting a collaborative alliance (especially if you’ve stopped having sex). The gymnastics and gyrations of coitus don’t promote emotional contact and renewed friendship, and make it easier to fool yourself that you’re together.

You go through different stages of comfort and relaxation with each activity. First, you just try to get through it. (Some people can barely contain their twitching.) Then you relax and start to enjoy it. When you stop anticipating something’s going to go wrong, you can be a little playful. Eventually your breathing is unlabored, your heart slows, and your shoulders relax. You can get so relaxed and quiet, your jaw goes slack, you’re breathing from the back of your throat, and your eyelids are heavy. You can
hear
the quiet, not as an absence of sound, but as the presence of
peace
.

This can take weeks or months, but you can get there by methodically using your collaborative alliance with your partner. Once you’ve learned how to establish this deep level of contact, you can extend it into intercourse.

Hugging till relaxed, heads on pillows
, and
feeling while touching
have something else in common. All three create seven conditions scientists believe facilitate brain change. These include:

1. A strong and resilient collaborative alliance.

2. Moderate levels of stress and emotional arousal, alternating with calm.

3. Intense and profound intersubjective moments of meeting.

4. Information and experiences gathered across multiple dimensions of cognition, emotion, sensation, and behavior.

5. Activating brain neural networks involved in processing and regulating thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors.

6. New conceptual knowledge integrating emotional and bodily experiences.

7. Organizing experiences in ways that foster continued growth and integration.
¹⁷⁷

Whether or not these conditions permanently change your brain’s chemistry or structure,
hugging till relaxed
,
heads on pillows
, and
feeling while touching
offer other benefits, including more control over yourself and a more stable and rewarding relationship.

In the midst of all this progress, Larry’s father approached him with another sure-fire scheme. Larry told him he wasn’t interested. To make the point, Larry did something he never imagined he’d do. He told his father to forget about repaying the seven thousand dollars he’d spent keeping him out of jail. Larry figured he’d never see the money anyway, so instead he decided to increase his Four Points of Balance. Larry unhooked from his father. It was a self-preserving move. He stopped being tortured about whether his father would repay him or not.

Larry looked his father in the eye and added, “Dad, if you want to keep a relationship with me, don’t come for money or another deal ever again. Do you understand?”

Dad didn’t say anything for a minute. Then he laughed it off, saying, “Well, I guess I’ll just have to keep my millions to myself.” But his message was
Okay. I hear you
.

That didn’t mean Dad wouldn’t try something in the future. But he saw Larry was solid and decided not to mess with him. Juanita was bowled over by what she observed. Later that night she told Larry, “I loved the way you told your father you weren’t going to climb out on a limb for him, knowing he would cut it off.”

Larry’s eyes were warm and smiling, “Thanks,” he said and paused, looking Juanita in the eye. “I also want that to stop between you and me. I’m not having any more sex the way we usually do it. You don’t want to feel pressured, and I don’t want you mentally absent when we have sex. Either we stay together and keep our alliance, regardless of what we do, or I’m not interested.”

Juanita looked inside herself for a moment. Then she met his gaze and nodded.

A collaborative alliance is a major part of resolving sexual desire problems.
¹⁷⁸
Things went differently when Larry and Juanita attended to it during sex. They focused on their emotional connection even before they started kissing and stroking. First and foremost, they paid attention to each other. It became a standard part of their collaborative alliance. They began to notice when their attention drifted off. They mentioned it (instead of masking it), and brought themselves back.

One time Larry stopped as they stroked each other. “You may not want to hear this, but I just went off in my head … I was thinking about my father. I know that’s not romantic. He called me today. He hinted he was short on cash. I told him I was sorry to hear that but I had to get off the phone … I was proud of myself, but disappointed in him … I’m telling you this because I don’t want to live afraid of the people I love.”

“Me neither.” Juanita thought about her parents and her relationship with Larry. They held each other’s gaze for a long, bittersweet moment.

Larry said. “In the interest of full disclosure … I’ve lost my erection.”

“Don’t worry about it,” purred Juanita. “Just look at me…” Larry didn’t look.

“Hey. Look at me.” Juanita shook him gently and caught his eye. “Don’t take away the best teammate I’ve ever had.”

Larry looked at Juanita. They were instantly in tears. Juanita said, “Come. Let me hold you. Let’s lie down and just be together.”

Thirty minutes later, things felt warm and cozy. Juanita reached down and touched Larry’s penis. It quickly rose from the dead.

“Come inside me. I’m ready for company. Don’t try to make me come. I just want to feel you in me.” Larry hesitated for a moment and nodded.

Juanita got on her back. Larry got between her legs to insert himself. She spread her labia. “Here. Let me help you come inside me.”

As Larry leaned forward, Juanita said, “Wait a second, Let me scoot up a little! You’ll have a better angle. It will be easier for you to get in.”

Larry looked at Juanita. They had the same thought:
“Collaborative alliance!
” and broke out laughing.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Partners drop alliances when sexual desire problems surface.

Collaborative alliances involve (1) being honest even when it’s difficult, (2) not tampering with the truth, (3) confronting yourself and letting your partner confront you and read you, and (4) operating from the best in you.

Hugging till relaxed, heads on pillows
, and
feeling while touching
are powerful tools for resolving sexual desire problems because they involve collaborative alliances.