Intermission (14 page)

Hey, remember when I put your ball sac in my mouth and I sucked on your nuts like a greedy little squirrel? Good times.

Molly says “hi!”

I actually like putting your balls in my mouth. Hearing you moan like a woman is such a turn on.

I saw the movie
Elf
with Will Farrell. Hilarious! You would love it and I heard a rumor that Peter Billingsley (the guy who played Ralphie in
A Christmas Story
) is in the beginning. I didn’t see him, but I was too busy shoving Junior Mints and popcorn in my mouth.

Okay, I have to get back to work before my VACATION!! Have a great game and kick the Army’s ass.

XO
Nat

PS-I turned the UPS guy down.

I quickly write her back before she turns off her computer.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: UPS guy?

Nice try. I know for a fact that the UPS guy is Raul Sanchez. He’s married with two kids and lives in Long Island City.

Hey, I read somewhere about this company that can make a plaster mold of a penis and then create a silicone dildo for your pleasure. Interested?

Tell Molly thank you for the cigarette lighter and the package of socks. Can you also tell her I’m not in 1970-Vietnam?

Chloe sounds hot!

xo
Z

 
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: Merry Christmas!

Zach,

I finally got your email address from Natalie and I wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas! You are loved and missed and we want you back soon. I would like to send you a package – whatever you want, so please let me know.

Love,
Angie

 
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: Joyeux Noël

Zach:

I’m not sure when you will get this. Actually, I’m not even sure I know how to send an email across the world. How does that work exactly?

Anyway, Dave and I sent you a few presents in the mail to make your stay a little more comfortable. I also sent a photo of Natalie when she cut her bangs so short they spiked out like a buzz cut. She will kill me, so let it be our little secret.

I stopped by your house to pay a quick visit and to drop off some gingerbread cookies. Your mother is as beautiful and peaceful as ever. There was a sweet visiting nurse that gave her an I.V. of something and painted her nails. Claire is a fighter and I see where you get that wonderful Dumas strength.

We love you like a son and we pray for your safe return.

Merry Christmas,

Judy and Dave

 
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: Zach dildo

Of course I’m interested. Let me know when it’s in production . . . I’m sure there are plenty of people willing to fly to Afghanistan during a war to make a mold of your penis.

And maybe it was a FedEx guy. Don’t be jealous.

Okay, I have to pack now!

XO
Nat

 
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Joyeux Noël

Judy,

Thank you so much for your email. This is my private email account on my personal laptop so I get them fairly quickly.

Thank you for the update on Mom. She is an extraordinary woman that is selfless and courageous. I can only hope that I am honoring her by being over here and not there with her.

I look forward to the package. Receiving mail, any kind, is truly the highlight of my day.

Have a great Christmas and don’t forget to give Nat her present from me.

Love you both,
Zach

I shut down my laptop and place it back in its case. I really need to start some sort of electronics detox because in six weeks, it won’t be this easy to just read an email on the fly. I hurry back to my quarters on the north side of camp after stopping by the bizarre for a last-minute gift.

Fisher and I have two beds, one desk and a small sink and mirror. We also have a 13” television that shows crap from the Armed Forces Network. The room itself is actually quite accommodating for our needs and I try to focus on the positive . . . like my trunk full of pictures and letters from Natalie. She must write and mail a letter every day because during my short time here, I’ve become the envy of most of the officers in my unit. Not only is Natalie the hottest thing to invade the Post at Camp Hammond, she also sends things that require an explanation.

This morning I picked up two letters from Nat, one letter from Aunt Patty and an envelope from Natalie full of homemade snowflakes with instructions to:
throw them in the air like you just don’t care.

I change into my USMC t-shirt and basketball shorts and sit on my bed to read the letters.

December 19, 2002

My dearest Zacharie,

You’ve been gone for a day. Your Princeton sweatshirt is the only thing I have/had that smells like you. I slept with it, brought it to work and wore it to the grocery store. Then I made the stupid mistake of wearing it to Starbucks. I was standing in line sobbing uncontrollably when a hurried customer spilt his grande bold all over my chest. Your sweatshirt smells like Sumatra. No more Zach. Je n’ai pas rien.

I thought I saw you today. I actually ran after a man walking down Broadway just because he was the same height as you. When I finally reached him, I hugged him from behind and he callously turned around and yelled at me!

On a suckier note, there’s a Christmas Party tonight at some fancy apartment in Columbus Circle. Molly invited me, hoping it would cheer me up, but there is no cheer without you.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Love always,

Ta femme

The next letter is decorated with tiny hearts and stars and smells like coffee.

December 20, 2002

My sexy warrior,

You left a t-shirt at Mom and Dad’s and it hasn’t been washed! It’s a Christmas miracle!!

In other news, I miss you.

I hear your laughter with every funny thought.

I see your crooked grin when I close my eyes.

I smell your masculinity on my unwashed sheets.

I taste your sweetness in a drizzle of honey.

BUT I CANNOT FUCKING TOUCH YOU! I need to feel you. Touch you. Feel you. Touch you . . .

“Yo Parker, are you crying?” Fisher asks. I jump up and quickly fold the letter from Natalie and put it away in my footlocker. Fisher is standing in the door spinning a basketball on his middle finger and shaking his head.

“I’m crying because you suck as point guard,” I say hastily.

“Yep, just what I thought. You’re a pussy, Parker!”

“Are we playing hoops or having a tea party?” I ask as I shove past him and walk silently to the basketball court. I need a distraction.

2002-12-25
0500 hours

“Fisher? Are you okay, man?” I shake his shoulder and he continues to groan. “Fisher?”

“It’s my stomach – I think last night’s chow is fucking me up.” Fisher brings his knees to his chest and winces.

After our 88-74 win over the Army, we enjoyed a nice spread of lobster and sirloin. The current problem being – Fisher is a good ol’ Texas boy that devoured six steaks last night before calling it quits.

“What do you need? I can stop by the canteen after my shift,” I offer.

“Nah man, I’m going to try and sleep it off.” Fisher curls into a ball and holds his stomach.

“Merry Christmas, bro.”

The base is eerily quiet this morning. I stop by the mess hall and grab a blueberry muffin and some orange juice before heading to my tiny office to finish up the Kandahar shipment. The office is empty except for one of the administrative secretaries, Michelle. She’s playing a Christmas CD and looking at a photo album.

“Hey Michelle, Merry Christmas! Whatcha got there?” I ask as I pull up a chair next to her desk.

“Merry Christmas, Lieutenant.
This
is a wonderful present my family made for me. It has pictures from different Christmases over the years and a few cards from friends. Here is my daughter and son last Christmas Eve . . . we got them a puppy . . . and this,” she points to a photo, “is that puppy now!” I laugh at the photo of a dog the size of a pony.

“Your children are adorable. They must be so proud of their mother.”

“I suppose, although I’m sure they would rather have me home making them pancakes and hot cocoa,” she sighs.

“Michelle, does it get any easier? The homesickness, I mean.”

Michelle pulls out a picture of her and a young man sitting on Santa’s lap and smiles sadly. “I’m sorry to say that it only gets harder. So my advice is to take what you can get and hold on to it.”

I think about Natalie’s last letter.

“Your family really loves you. It’s pretty cool that you got to share these memories with them today, thousands of miles apart,” I say as I stand with my muffin and juice. She gives me a little wink and turns up the volume to Nat King Cole.

“Merry Christmas, Lieutenant! Think about the past if it helps.”

I nod politely and then head to my little corner of creams and ointments. The problem is, Nat and I don’t have much of a past . . . we only have the future.

1200 hours

“Fisher, how ya feeling?” I drop some boxes on the floor and several envelopes on Fisher’s bed. “I picked up your post, even though they gave me an extremely hard time. Assholes.”

“Thanks man. I’m better, just got the shits.” Fisher sits up and rummages through his mail.

“Awesome. I’ll catch you later.” I grab my boxes from the floor and walk to the courtyard by the canteen.
Courtyard
isn’t really the correct description as it’s basically a cement slab and a picnic table, but it’s one of my favorite spots on the entire base.

The first box is from Judy and Dave. Inside I find two jumbo bags of Starburst, an electronic toothbrush and a vintage Gameboy with Tetris. The Christmas card is a snowy scene of Central Park. And just like Judy said, inside the card I find a photo of Nat in the 7
^th
grade with a horrible haircut and a really ugly sweater. There’s also a couple photos of us that Dave took at dinner. It seems like an eternity ago, but it was only last week.

In one photo, Natalie is smiling devilishly with an arched eyebrow. My arm is around her but my head is tilted back in laughter. I try to remember what she said to make me laugh like that, but the details are irrelevant. Everything she does and says simply makes me happy. The other picture of us is in front of the Christmas tree. I’m looking at the camera with a goofy grin and Nat’s in my arms staring up at me. Her profile is magical – the light reflecting off her beautiful face is proof enough that she’s my bright little star.

I move on to the next box from Aunt Patty. She bought me a digital camera with 2.0 megapixels – fuck yeah! I also find Mom’s old PDR from med school with an inscription on the inside cover.

Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Aunt Patty also sent a tin of cranberry oatmeal cookies. They taste a little stale, but I manage to throw a few back.

The last package is from Natalie. I want to rip it open but I also don’t want the excitement to disappear. It’s the same feeling I’d get on Christmas morning as a kid – tearing through present after present of Transformers and Nerf guns only to realize that true pleasure is defined by what’s to come.

I slowly slice open the twenty layers of tape with my knife. I dig through the sheets of pink tissue paper and pull out a large, folded paper. I quickly look around to make sure no one’s looking or hovering over me because I’m pretty sure I know what this is . . . yep! The poster of Mario Lopez that used to be hanging in Nat’s old bedroom is now in my possession.

“Jesus Nat, what am I going to do with you?” I say out loud.

I open her handmade Christmas card with a crayon drawing of us completely naked except for some Santa hats.

Santa baby,

Mario really wanted to see Afghanistan . . . and he misses your junk.

Come home to me.

XO
Nat

There are a dozen of Christmas cards from family members and college buddies and I take my time reading every single one.
Take what you can get and hold on to it.

“Lieutenant Parker? I’m sorry to bother you, but there’s a new shipment of flu vaccines that need to be catalogued.”

I gather all my stuff and address the young Navy officer. “Sure, let me drop off my things first. Cookie?”

1400 hours

Label, scan, pack. Place the lotion in the basket. Label, scan, pack. It places the lotion in the basket.

Break time. I take my laptop and retreat to my closet of supplies and silence. There must be fifty emails from friends and family and even one from
Best
Buy
wishing me a Merry Christmas, but I scroll through them until I reach the one that matters.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: Holy shit!