Authors: Michelle Kemper Brownlow
Thirty-Five
March 15
th
–Spring Break ~ Headed to McKenzie today, break is until April 1
st
. April Fool’s Day. Interesting. Noah and I broke up. Jake and I made love, and he has been saying “I love you” more often - I THINK he means as friends but not sure if he…
A knock at the door made me drop my journal. I picked it up, slid it back into my backpack, which I chucked onto the pile of stuff I was taking home for Spring Break.
I was expecting Jake. Instead, Noah stood on the other side of the door when I swung it open with a smile. My smile fell and he saw it.
“Well, thanks for the less-than-thrilled reception.” He made an ugly face and pushed passed me, knocking me off balance.
“Noah, I didn’t…”
“Whatever, I don’t care.” He looked around at the emptiness that surrounded us. I wondered if he was seeing it as emotionally significant as I was. Then he disappeared into my bedroom. I was thrilled I made plans to ride home with Stacy later that day. You couldn’t pay me to ride home with him. Grouch.
“Can I help you with something?” I was a little annoyed that he still felt he was welcome here after he spat hate at me in his room over a month ago. That’s when I realized I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the night of his twenty-first birthday. We had never gone that long without any contact after a fight. How was it that I didn’t realize that until now? I usually kept track in my mind of how many hours until he called or until I saw him on campus. He was like my fuel—no matter how nasty it tasted, I needed it to keep going. Just seeing him on campus used to fill me up a little. Sometimes I would give in and call him or stop by. My tank would take on more fuel—sweet or nasty. Any of it would keep me going just a little longer. But this time I had made it a whole month without refilling my tank. I was really making the break. That thought both empowered and terrified me.
“I just wanted to see you.” He sat down on my bed and looked down at his folded hands.
I was running out of energy. This year had sucked the life out of me. The ups and downs of his attitude toward us wrecked me emotionally.
“Why don’t you have your grace/trust ring on?” Noah’s question brought me out of my confusion, and I looked over at him. Big brown eyes stared at me with raw sadness in them.
“It’s right over there.” I pointed with a nod over to my jewelry box on the dresser.
“But it’s not on your finger.”
“Why do you even care, Noah? You don’t seem to like me. Remember? That’s why we broke up.”
“Of course I like you,” he said with shock in his tone.
I stared at those big, sad brown eyes and wondered how they and the angry heart below them could exist within the same person.
“Well, you’re really not very good at showing it.”
The cocky face came back. “Well, the brothers on my floor say they hear how good I am at showing you. All the moaning and screaming you do when you’re there.” He lifted his eyebrows in a sick attempt to flirt with me.
Oh man, he opened himself up for this one. This was my chance to show him what it felt like to be on the receiving end of cruel intentions. This was my chance to rip into him and tell him that I had faked every single one of those porn-star moments just because I knew he would thrive on the notoriety. At that time in our relationship, I just wanted him to like something about me. Apparently I put on a good show because he fell for it…every time.
Now was my time to give him a dose of hard reality, a chance to watch him wince with pain I was administering. The tables were turned at that moment.
But…
I couldn’t. I couldn’t intentionally hurt someone. Not even the person who crushed my spirit to the point of being unrecognizable.
A wave of nausea came over me, and I had to stabilize myself on the desk I stood next to. Hearing him describe those times in his room made me want to puke. He had molded me into something so cheap and hollow. I wondered if I would ever find beauty and peace to fill myself back up. Jake gave me that peace and made me feel beautiful, but I was still so confused about what was happening with us. I couldn’t expect him to be my rescue.
“Anyway, I just came here to see if you’d changed your mind about riding home with Stacy. I’m packing the car.”
I rolled my eyes. It was just like him to allow himself to get emotional and then stop before he really laid his heart on the line. Coward. He put the wall back up and pretended he had a good reason to come to my apartment. He stood and walked over to me. Eye contact with Noah sent shivers through me. A knock at the door gave me an excuse to walk away without making eye contact as I turned my head to yell, “Come in.”
“I brought you something.” Jake’s voice startled me, but I could tell he was smiling when he said it. I quickly went to go see what he had. His face lit up as I rounded the corner from the bedroom. He stood there with two huge cups of our favorite ice cream from iScream. My mouth dropped open and I squealed. His eyes sparkled, so genuinely happy to make me smile. Then they darted behind me and his face fell. “Hey, man, what’s up?”
He was so sweet to surprise me, knowing how much I dreaded leaving him behind. As much as I wanted to get out of the apartment for a couple weeks, it meant I’d soon be separated from the only thing holding me together – Jake. And it also meant Jessica was flying home to spend some of Spring Break with him. I could only imagine where Jake’s mind went when he saw Noah following me out of my bedroom. He continued to smile, but it wasn’t the same smile. It was forced.
“Just stopping by to see if she needed any help with all the crap she’s lugging home. Break
is
only two weeks, Gracie.” He rolled his eyes and nodded his head in my direction. “You going home, man?” Why was he getting all puffed up and attitude-y? He had no idea what had been going on with Jake and I so he had no reason to act like an ass.
But Noah never really needed a reason to be an ass.
“No, staying here. Too expensive to head west again.”
“Right.”
Jake nodded.
Wow. This isn’t awkward.
“Before you know it, everyone will be back. Will catch ya then.” He threw up a wave to Jake and didn’t even look at me when he called out, “I’ll see you at home, Gracie. Enjoy your cute little ice cream date,” in a sing-song voice as he left the apartment. What an idiot. I was embarrassed to have him act like that in front of Jake. And what made him think we were seeing each other over break?
Thirty-Six
Jake and I sat and ate our ice cream silently for a couple minutes until I got up enough nerve to apologize for Noah being a jerk.
“Sorry.”
“Huh? Sorry for what?”
“Sorry he acted like an ass.”
“You think I expected more from him?”
I laughed and peeked up at him as he played with his spoon in his now coffee ice cream soup. He was so darn adorable, but right then, he looked pained by something. Was I hurting him? I didn’t want to hurt him.
“I don’t have any plans to see him over break. I don’t know why he said that.”
Jake nodded.
We quickly moved to small talk and laughed for a while until he got quiet again. I needed to say something, but I didn’t know what. I opened my mouth to play verbal roulette and hoped for the best.
But before I could say anything, he spoke. “Jessica knew this would happen.”
I looked at him funny. “That we would eat ice cream together?”
He smiled with his mouth full and shook his head.
“No. When she left, she told me I was going to fall in love with you.”
An unforeseen wave of emotion knocked me back into my chair.
Seeing my discomfort and confusion, he smiled apologetically and kept playing with his ice cream.
He said,
in love.
I still had no words.
“Look, you don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.”
My heart started to beat faster. If he was hoping I would reciprocate with that same announcement, I couldn’t. I loved Jake deeply, but at that moment, my heart was turned inside out about everything. There was no way I could entertain that notion without it exploding. I couldn’t.
I remained speechless.
“Honest. Relax. No pressure. I just wanted you to know how I feel. That’s all. Now, you need to finish packing.”
And with that he stood, took my empty dish, and dumped it in the trash can. He walked back over and reached for my hands. He stood me up and enveloped me in a huge hug, then whispered, “You don’t need to love me back. I will take you however I can have you. Just having you in my life is a blessing to me.”
He kissed me on the forehead, tilted his head as he smiled, then walked to the door. I hung my head. Tears stung my eyes.
“Hey.”
I lifted my head. He stood in the threshold. “Come up before you go, okay?”
I nodded, and as he let the door close behind him, a single tear made its way down my cheek.
The most genuine, selfless, kind, beautiful soul I had ever met just told me he was in love with me. But my heart was so shattered that I didn’t know what to do with the love he was offering. If I let Jake in, his love would only seep out through the cracks. His love was worth holding onto but my heart wasn’t ready.
I
wasn’t ready.
I turned the music up and threw myself into packing. The whirlwind of feelings and self-talk in my mind were hard to keep up with. I had no idea what to expect from Noah, if anything, while we were home. If it was anything like Christmas break, I would have to be really strong and not give in to empty promises. Some sort of calm washed over me as I recalled the tenderness I saw in Noah in December. But that feeling soon evolved into panic as I momentarily relived all the things that tore at my heart over this last year.
My mind drifted to what had just happened at my table. My heart felt peaceful, and I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. But I struggled with the possibility of hurting Jake if I didn’t say I was in love with him, too. I wanted to be with Jake but I feared I was so wrecked that I could never truly love him with a whole heart. I needed to put aside what I wanted and wish he and Jessica the best. The tears came more steadily and the sleeves of my sweatshirt were soon used to wipe away the remnants of a broken heart.
A couple hours and a pile of tissues later, I walked up the steps to the fourth floor. I left Stacy in her car in the parking lot, and it was time to say goodbye to my best guys upstairs. It was time to face Jake, and still not have the words he wanted to hear.
I just walked in. No knock. He sat on the couch reading the paper and listening to music—Pearl Jam, “Black.” I walked over and fell into his arms. He just held me quietly. The lyrics of this song were beautifully sad. Eddie Vedder’s voice pined for a heart he no longer held. He called out asking why that heart couldn’t be his.
I snuggled into Jake’s arms as deep as I could go and wondered which of our hearts was singing those lyrics the loudest. Jake had always been the peace and beauty that could fill me back up when my soul was troubled. What I felt in his arms was a gift, a gift Noah never gave me. He couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of the kind of love Jake could give. Jessica was a lucky girl.
“Are you going to tell Jessica about us?” I cringed at the thought.
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be fair not to.”
“True. You think you guys will be okay?”
“I don’t know what will happen.”
I nodded into his shoulder. My chest tightened at the thought of seeing them together.
“What about you and Noah?” There was a small hesitation before he said his name, but it was so small I wasn’t sure it wasn’t just me not wanting to hear him say it.
“I think we are really over this time. It just hurts so deep.”
“I know, baby girl, I know. I am so sorry you are hurting. If I could take it all from you, I would.”
I looked up into his eyes. I knew he would. He was just that beautiful of a person. My mind went back to the day he cried as he told me Noah didn’t respect me. He had the same look at that moment. I had to look away when I saw tears forming in his eyes. I wasn’t sure if he was hurting for my heart or his, or both.
I talked myself through the confusion as we continued to sit in silence. I couldn’t say I love you, even though I was feeling a level of love for him that I hadn’t known before our kiss. I would love to say it to see his face light up, to see the tears turn from sadness to joy, but my heart was too fucked up. I wouldn’t say it for fear I would cave to Noah yet one more time. The very last thing I wanted to do was hurt Jake. I would never forgive myself. I was the kind of broken Jake needed to stay clear of. I needed to protect him from the mess I was. If I hadn’t thought it before, I knew now, I had to save Jake’s heart from the trouble I would cause it. It broke my heart each time I felt his chest rise, just about to say something, then fall when he held it back. What else did he want to say?
I resigned myself to the fact that Jessica would be in this apartment in a week, and I was going home and would be within ten minutes of Noah for the whole break. Would Jake and Jessica get back together? Would my time with Jake amount to nothing more than just a beautiful memory? That hurt to think about.
Our last kiss that day was perfect. Neither of us held back. The spring sun beat through “our” window in the hall. That kiss was like a whole conversation.
I washed up onto the beach. It was warm. The sand was soft like big pillows. I laid there and listened to the beauty of nature while I soaked up the soul-healing glow of the bright midday sun. This was where I wanted to stay. This was a safe place. Nothing could hurt me here. The darkness was gone.
But I couldn’t help feeling the last little pecks were a “goodbye.” This transition could be the hardest yet because, as much as we both longed to hold on to that moment forever, we may just have to let go.
…the waves came a little closer and touched my toes, letting me know they were close enough to pull me back in. The last place I wanted to be right now was back in the torrent of the ocean, gasping for breath and fighting for my life.