In This Small Spot (28 page)

There was a stunned silence for a few
seconds and then Sister Scholastica stood. “I think the entire idea
is preposterous,” she huffed indignantly. “An abbey is no place for
a woman who…” She paused with a quick glance in Mickey’s direction
and Mickey had the feeling she was weighing her indignation over
Abigail’s request against her reluctance to champion Mickey in any
way. “For a woman of her character.”

“I disagree,” Sister Cecilia said, standing
also. “None of us were saints when we entered, and the last time I
looked, none of us are yet.” There was some laughter at this.
“Isn’t the point of religious life to try and overcome the faults
and temptations that would pull us away from God – whatever form
they take?”

“Mother, do you feel Abigail is truly sorry
for what she did?” someone asked from the back of the room.

“I do,” Mother Theodora responded.

“I’d like to know what Sister Michele has to
say about this,” someone else said.

Mickey took a deep breath and stood, her
cheeks hot and flushed as all eyes focused on her. “Mother told me
of Abigail’s request a few days ago,” she began. “I’ve been
wrestling with the issue since then, and I confess I’ve felt more
anger than forgiveness, but –” She paused. “When I was nineteen or
twenty, I went through a period where I was so extremely
self-centered that I did and said a lot of things that were cruel
and hurtful to people around me. For a long time afterward, I
wished I could undo those things, but as I got older, I realized
that, as humiliating and regrettable as it is to think that I left
such a trail of hurt feelings and that those people will always
remember me like that, the lessons I learned during that period
were largely responsible for making me the woman I eventually
became. To undo those events would be like,” she glanced at Sister
Anselma who was watching her closely, “like pulling apart the
tapestry of my life. With the perspective of time, I would not now
choose to change my past, but I also would not want to be forever
judged by who I was then.”

She lifted her head and looked at Mother
Theodora as she continued. “If we decide to accept Abigail back
among us, and I am willing to do so, we have to let her start
fresh. As Sister Cecilia said, there are no saints here yet.
Abigail has some apologies to make, but… if she’s humble enough and
brave enough to return here, knowing what we all know, I believe
she should be given the chance.”

There was not a sound as Mickey sat.

Mother Theodora let the silence stretch on
for a minute or two that felt like an eternity. “Are we ready to
vote then?”

Later, as the nuns dispersed, Sister Linus
waited for Mickey. Leading her off to one side, she peered up into
Mickey’s face. “I’m not sure we’re not making a mistake,” she said,
“letting her back in. I think I agree with Sister Scholastica – ha!
There’s a first.” Mickey smiled. “But, I figure you’re the only one
with any real right to complain, and if you’re willing to give her
another chance, who are we to stand in her way?”

Sister Anselma approached. “Sister Linus is
right,” she said. “With one word, you could have ignited the
righteous indignation of nearly everyone in that room, and no one
would have blamed you if you had. Instead, you gave us an example
of forgiveness and generosity of spirit no one could argue with.
Sister Scholastica looked as if someone had slapped her.”

Sister Linus chuckled. “Something I’ve
wanted to do many times over the years.”

Mickey shook her head. “All I did was
remember that nearly all of us have done regrettable things,
sometimes horrible things, in our youth. No one should be judged by
that for the rest of her life.” She glanced from one to the other.
“And I keep reminding myself I haven’t been face to face with
Abigail yet. What if I lose my temper and punch her in the face?
What will you two think of me then?”

Chapter 34

“Hey, sis,” said a male voice behind Mickey
as she sat for one of Jennifer’s lectures.

“Jamie! What are you doing here? And what
are you doing
here
?” she asked in surprise.

He laughed. “It’s all right. I got
permission from Mother Theodora and drove up with Jen this
morning.”

“You survived Mom’s Christmas visit? How was
she with Jennifer?”

“She was… okay. She was civil.”

“That’s more than she ever was with Alice,”
Mickey said with a trace of bitterness.

“You just have to ignore some of the things
she says, not take them personally,” he said sympathetically.

Mickey made a grimace. “You’re a better
person than I am.”

Jamie stood suddenly. “Hello, Mother
Theodora,” he said, extending a hand. “Thank you again for granting
me permission to sit in on this lecture.”

“Of course, James,” she smiled. “I’ll talk
to you later.”

Jennifer was set to begin, and the lights
were dimmed for her slides. This was the first lecture since before
Christmas. She was talking today about Chinese weaving and
tapestries – “some, like this one,” she said, holding up a piece of
what looked at first like solid amber silk until she moved it in
the light, “were woven for meditation, with only subtle, abstract
variations in the weave, while these,” she held up a tapestry
depicting a battle, “are as intricately woven and embroidered as
anything produced in Europe.”

An hour later, as the nuns filed out, Mickey
and Jamie stayed to help her pack up her materials.

“Uh, Mickey,” Jamie said with a quick glance
at Jennifer, “could we talk to you for a minute?”

They pulled three chairs aside and sat,
Mickey waiting expectantly.

“What is it?” Mickey asked when neither of
them seemed able to start.

“We,” Jennifer stumbled, “we wanted to talk
to you, to tell you that… uh…”

“We’d like to get married,” Jamie
finished.

“Married?” Mickey sat stunned for several
seconds. “Are you asking my permission?” she asked finally.

“Yes, actually,” Jamie answered, blushing
furiously.

“You are so important to both of us,”
Jennifer said, reaching for both Mickey’s and Jamie’s hands. “We
want to be sure you’re okay with this.”

“Of course I’m okay,” Mickey said, pulling
both of them to her for a hug. “I think it’s wonderful!”

“There’s one other thing,” Jamie added,
“We’d like to be married here at St. Bridget’s.”

“You’re kidding!”

“No, we’re serious,” Jennifer said. “We feel
like the abbey, and you, are so much a part of what brought us
together. We can’t think of any place else that would mean as much
to us.”

“Do you think Mother Theodora would give her
consent?” Jamie asked.

“I think she might,” said Mother Theodora
from the doorway, making them all jump. She smiled as she came in.
“St. Bridget’s would be honored to host the wedding of two people
who have contributed so much to our community. Did you have a date
in mind?”

Jennifer looked over at Jamie. “We thought
May might be a good time. The abbey will be done with the Easter
Clothing and vow ceremonies, and it seemed like it would be
relatively quiet.”

“That’s not far away. Didn’t your sisters
need something like a year or more to plan their weddings?” Mickey
asked.

Jennifer laughed. “All we want is family and
a few close friends. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, just us and all
of you.”

Mother joined them as they made tentative
plans, and then Jamie and Jennifer took their leave.

“How do you feel about this?” Mother
Theodora asked Mickey as they walked down the corridor toward the
Chapel.

“I really am delighted for them. I hope
they’ll be as happy as Alice and I were.”

Mother Theodora stopped outside the Chapel
and looked at Mickey quizzically. “And are you happy here?”

Mickey thought for a moment before
answering. “It’s different from the happiness of sharing your life
with someone who loves you… but, yes, I am happy here.”

“Is this life as satisfying as your old
life?”

Mickey paused. “That’s difficult to answer.
There are many things I miss, but there are a lot of trivial,
meaningless things that can consume you in secular life if you let
them. This life can be lonely at times, but it feels full. Every
moment seems to matter more somehow. Each life has rewards the
other can’t offer, and each would be a sacrifice to leave. Why do
you ask?”

“I was just curious,” Mother answered with
an expression Mickey couldn’t interpret.

By the time Jennifer returned the following
week, most of the community had heard about the wedding plans. She
received numerous congratulations.

“Where’s your engagement ring?” Sister
Anselma asked after the lecture as they helped Jennifer fold up the
samples she had brought with her.

“Don’t have one. I told Jamie I didn’t need
for him to make a downpayment on me as if I were a car. As far as
I’m concerned, buying Mickey’s old furniture and a new washer and
dryer is all the declaration I need of his intentions.”

“This is going to be an interesting
marriage,” Mickey laughed.

“I hope it’ll be as good as yours was,”
Jennifer said sincerely.

Mickey blushed deeply, and Sister Anselma
looked at her with an amused expression.

“Oh, shit,” Jennifer gasped, “I forgot, I
mean, I figured, oh shit…” she repeated with her hand over her
eyes.

“It’s okay, Jen. Sister Anselma knows about
Alice,” Mickey reassured her.

Jennifer looked with relief from one to the
other. “Good.” She gathered up her bags. “Mickey, could you give me
a hand with this stuff?” Mickey helped Jennifer carry her things to
the car. Closing the trunk, Jennifer turned to Mickey and asked,
“Does she know?”

Mickey’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Well,
yes, I told you inside that she knows about Alice.”

“No,” Jennifer chided, laying a hand on
Mickey’s arm. “Does she know that you’re in love with her?”

Mickey leaned against the car, suddenly
feeling dizzy and nauseous. “How did you know?” she asked
weakly.

“I’ve wondered for a while. Actually, Jamie
noticed first. The way you look at her when you’re not aware. But
just now, when we were inside, you were so embarrassed… she knows,
doesn’t she?”

Mickey nodded, looking at the ground.

“And she feels the same way.” This was a
statement, not a question. Mickey nodded again. “Oh, Mick, what are
you going to do?”

“I don’t know, Jen,” she answered quietly.
She looked up suddenly. “Are you okay? I mean, I don’t want –”

“Mickey,” Jennifer interrupted, “this isn’t
about Alice or me. It’s been years. Alice would have wanted you to
be happy. I just don’t know how you’re going to find happiness in
this situation.”

“Neither do I.”

Chapter 35

“Damn,” Mickey cussed under her breath. She
squinted again at the topographic map she pulled from her fishing
vest, trying to identify some feature that would tell her where she
was. Four hours ago, she had left her SUV parked alongside a dirt
logging road, and started following the stream adjacent to it, but
along the way, she had cut across a ridge to get around a section
of the stream swollen with run-off from the spring thaw, and now
she had no idea which way the logging road was.

Jamie would be getting worried if she wasn’t
back soon. The most frustrating part was, she knew the reason she’d
gotten lost in the first place was because she’d only half been
paying attention as she wandered away from the main trail – “you
know better. What the hell were you thinking?” she muttered as she
looked around for some identifying landmark. “Concentrate.” But
that was the problem. She’d arrived at Jamie’s two days ago, and
had found that, without the focus and concentration required by her
work, she couldn’t keep her mind from drifting to thoughts of
Alice. “And Kara,” she reminded herself angrily. In all her years
of teaching, she had never crossed the line with a student or
resident. Her face burned with guilt every time she thought about
it.

“Come on, you idiot,” she chastised herself,
“there’s got to be something here.”

The deep toll of a bell broke through her
self-recrimination. She looked around to figure out which direction
the sound was coming from, and began picking her way through the
woods toward the bell. It stopped ringing, but she hoped she was
still going in the right direction. She had to stop several times
as her fly rod got tangled in bushes and undergrowth, but finally,
she saw a stone belltower rising from an enclosed cluster of
buildings in the next valley.

Curious, she made her way down the ridge
toward a drive.
St. Bridget’s Abbey
, spelled the bronze
letters over the entry. She heard singing. Not sure if she was even
permitted on the premises, she walked up the drive to what she
guessed was the entrance to the church. She leaned her fly rod
against the wall outside, and carefully opened the door, stepping
into the dim interior. The singing she’d heard from outside filled
the Chapel. She sat in one of the back pews, transfixed as she
listened to the nuns singing on the other side of the iron grille.
She felt a keen disappointment as the chant faded away several
minutes later. For a little while, there had been no empty feeling
in her chest – a sensation that had been a constant since Alice’s
death.

She remained seated as the nuns rose and
left the Chapel quietly. She was surprised and a little alarmed
when one of them let herself through the grille and came to her.
She stood, not sure what to say.

“Hello,” said the nun, extending a hand in
greeting, “I’m Mother Theodora, Abbess of St. Bridget’s.”

“I’m Mickey Stewart,” Mickey said
uncertainly as she shook the offered hand. “I didn’t mean to
intrude.”