Authors: Cassidy Ryan
"Dear God, will wonders never cease? All these years I've been trying to get you to shut up, and all I had to do was be nice. Who knew?” He grinned.
I shook my head to clear it. “Okay, you're starting to scare me. You haven't bumped your head or something, have you?"
"Don't be a brat. I want to meet this woman; give her the once over.” That sounded more like the Ben I knew, but there was still a light of humor in his eyes.
I felt affection well up inside me. “Thanks, Ben."
Looking own at his hands, Ben said, a little too casually. “So, Lacy's having the baby christened on Sunday. Will you be there?"
"Does this invite include Chaise?"
Ben didn't answer—he didn't have to. I sighed, disappointed in spite of myself.
"Just think about it, okay?” He got to his feet. “Don't cut yourself off. Mom will come around, just give her time."
I nodded, but we both knew that I had already made my mind up.
"I think you should go.” It was Saturday, and we had decided to stay in and cook dinner together—well, I was doing the actual cooking while Chaise washed and cut vegetables for the stir fry.
"Seven.” I placed the chicken strips in the wok and turned to Chaise; she was looking at me with a puzzled frown. “That's the seventh time you've said that in the last two days. My answer is the same now as it was the first time, and the sixth. I'm not going.” I turned back to the stove and flipped the sizzling chicken over.
Chaise sighed loudly. “Stubborn woman. What have I let myself in for?” As if to take any heat out of her words, she placed a gentle kiss on the side of my neck.
"A life of adventure and excitement.” My voice was light, but my insides were unsettled—had been for days. Chaise had been tense and quieter than normal since the thing with my mother, and it had only gotten worse since I foolishly told her about the upcoming christening.
"I have no doubt, but..."
It was my turn to sigh. I switched off the heat under the wok and moved to stand in front of Chaise, placing my hands on her hips. “I know what this is really all about, and you're wrong. This isn't about you—it's not even about us. It's about my mother's complete inability to accept me for who I am. I knew early on that I wanted something different from the life that I was expected to want. I wanted a career and a life outside the home. But my mother seems to have chosen to interpret different as better—she doesn't seem to get the distinction.” I raised a hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. “For years I've just let it bounce off me; laughed it off. But I can't do that this time. This time it's too important. For the first time in my life I feel truly comfortable in my own skin, and she's just going to have to find a way to deal with that."
Chaise wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “I just hate the thought of there being a rift between you and your family."
I nodded. “So do I. But my dad's very much a live and let live kind of person, and Ben seems to be on my side, so that proves that miracles can happen. Time will tell.” I felt my stomach clench. For all our differences, I hated the thought of being at odds with my mother. “Now, let's put this aside for tonight and have a nice dinner, okay?"
Dipping her head, Chaise kissed me, and I instantly felt heat invade my body. My lips parted and I touched the tip of my tongue to hers. My stomach clenched for a whole other reason, and a little moan escaped my throat. She pressed her body closer to mine, and through the material of our clothes I felt the hard beads of her nipples. A shiver ran through her body. With trembling fingers I unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, slipped my hand inside the silky material of her panties to tangle in the neat bush of her pubic hair. My touch was still tentative as I lowered my hand so that my fingers were enclosed in her moist heat. I wanted our love making to be so good for Chaise, but this was all still so new to me that I couldn't help worrying that my inexperience made me clumsy. However, the groan that Chaise emitted when I flicked my finger over her clit helped to reassure me. Her eyes had closed, and she was biting her lower lip as she clutched at my shoulders.
"Oh, baby, that feels so good. Put your fingers inside me—I need to feel you inside me.” Her voice was low and husky as she pushed her hips into my touch. I turned us so that Chaise was leaning back against the counter and dipped one finger inside her body. She contracted around me, and I felt sexual tension build in my own body. While my finger pushed in and out of her, I played with her clit the way she had done to me so many times, and it wasn't long before she was shuddering against me as her orgasm claimed her. She seemed to stop breathing altogether for a long moment, and her body tightened before she exhaled and all but collapsed against me. She tucked her face into the place where my shoulder met my neck.
"Fuck, Anna, what you do to me."
In spite of the need coursing through my body I laughed and hugged her. “Just think what it will be like when I really know what I'm doing."
A puff of breath caressed my neck as Chaise laughed in turn. “I might not survive!"
The next morning I was sitting at the table in my kitchen, sipping my tea. Chaise was sitting opposite, a mug of coffee in front of her, her long fingers turning it in circles. Every time I looked up I found her watching me, but she would quickly look away and study her coffee intently.
I had to smile. “Is it really so important to you?"
She attempted to look puzzled by my question, but couldn't quite pull it off, and she seemed to instinctively know. “Yes, it really is. And, well ... I have to admit that I have a selfish reason for it.” She paused for a minute, and I waited for her to continue. “I worry that your family might think I've put pressure on you not to go—it would be easier to blame me than you."
I hated that look of concern that put frown lines on her forehead, so I reached across the table and laid my hand on hers. “Okay, I'll go. Come and help me choose something to wear?"
Chaise's smile was so wide and relieved that it squeezed my heart.
The family grapevine had obviously been working overtime. When I arrived at the church and walked down the aisle I could feel eyes on me and caught the mutter of private conversations. I slid into the seat my parents, Ben and Robyn were occupying. Dad smiled and winked. Ben nudged my shoulder with his. Robyn patted my hand gently. I was warmed by the small gestures of support, but the feeling vanished when I looked at my mother. She glanced in my direction and quickly looked away, as if she couldn't bring herself to meet my eyes. My heart sank, and I turned to face the altar as I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes.
The service was blessedly short, then we moved onto Lacy's house for a reception. I felt like I might as well have been wearing a neon sign reading
beware, lesbian in the room
, because everyone seemed to be having difficulty making conversation with me, and I'd never seen so many people so interested in the floor in my life. Even Father Donovan gave me a wide berth, simply nodding at me from a safe distance. I stayed close to Ben and Robyn most of the time, nursing a glass of lukewarm wine. Dad quickly got caught up in a conversation about work with my uncle Jack, but he seemed to make a point of coming to stand beside me every so often.
Mom, on the other hand, kept herself excessively busy with the buffet. She didn't seek me out, and the one time I approached her she fluttered away with the excuse that she had too much to do.
I was just starting to think that my face muscles would go into spasm from the effort of keeping a smile on my face when Lacy came up to me—sans baby Joseph, who had been in her arms all day. I decided that I wasn't going to read anything into that.
She took my arm and guided me to the side. I allowed this out of pure curiosity.
"I just wanted to thank you,” her voice was quiet, like she was talking in a church.
"For coming? There's really no need to thank me. It is a family event, after all."
Spots of color touched Lacy's cheeks. “Uh, yes, yes of course. But I was more referring to ... well, thank you for not embarrassing me. You know, with your new ... situation.” With every word that came from her mouth her face got increasingly red.
I felt my back stiffen and my hand tightened around the wine glass. “Well, I certainly wouldn't want my ... situation to embarrass anyone."
Clearly oblivious to the sarcasm in my voice and the annoyance I was throwing off, Lacy smiled widely and a hand went to her chest. “Oh, I'm so glad you understand. Joe's family isn't quite as tolerant as ours, and I would hate to have had to explain things to my mother-in-law."
I would have laughed, but the urge to cry was fighting its way up in me, and I refused to let myself break down in that room. I just nodded. “Would you excuse me please, Lacy? I need to use the restroom.” Without waiting for her to reply, I put my glass down on an end table and quickly left, making straight for the front door, my breath hitching as I desperately tried to hold it together.
I got to the bottom stair of the stoop when I heard the door open again.
"Anna?” I stopped at the sound of my mother's voice, but couldn't bring myself to turn around. “You're leaving already?"
"Oh, so you
did
notice that I was here."
"Well of course I noticed, I was just..."
"Very busy, yes I know. Don't let me hold you back, I'm sure there are far more important things you should be doing.” My throat was tight with emotion, and I really wanted to get away.
"Don't be like this, Anna,” she said quietly, just the tiniest hint of admonition in her voice.
I spun around on my heel. “That's just the problem, isn't it, Mom? I've never been what you wanted me to be. Do you think that I don't know I've been letting you down my whole life?"
She actually gasped at that. “I have
never
told you that you let me down."
"Maybe not in so many words, but every time you criticized my job or the way I dress or my lack of a man; every time I was excluded from conversations because I couldn't possibly understand what
real
women had to deal with, you were telling me that I needed to change.” My heart was racing as adrenaline flowed throw me. “You've never really understood me, Ma, and I don't think you've ever tried. It was just easier for you to try to change me into something that you do understand.” I angrily brushed away a tear that had fallen onto my cheek. “Well, this is who I am, Ma. I graduated in the top two percent of my class and was head-hunted by one of the best law firms in the country—where I became the youngest partner in the history of the firm. I own my own apartment, and I have a lover who makes me feel really good about myself. But it's still not enough, is it? I can't be Lacy,” I finished quietly.
My mother just stood there, her face expressionless. I waited for her to say something—anything, but when she didn't I turned and left.
I drove slower than normal, my eyes blurry with tears, heading for Chaise's rather than my own apartment. I parked my car in what had become its usual spot and walked along the lane to Goddess. Chaise must have been watching from the window, because before I could even knock on the door it was opened.
Without a word she took me in her arms and held me tight against her body.
When I woke up the next morning my head felt thick after only a few hours sleep and countless shed tears. I woke to the feeling of Chaise gently stroking my hair back from my face, one leg thrown over mine in a protective way. Opening my eyes, I saw her smiling softly and felt my heart twist in my chest as more tears threatened. I raised a hand to rest on her cheek.
"Was it just two days ago you asked what you were letting yourself in for?” My voice was gritty. “Well, now you know.” I tried to smile, but I'm sure it looked more like a grimace.
She leaned in and pressed her forehead against mine. “We'll get through this, baby. Things look dark right now, but I promise it will get better."
We'll get through this ...
I liked that, and it brought a real smile to my lips.
She rubbed a soothing hand over my back, much the same way as she had done through the night. “Why don't you call in sick today? We'll take the bike out and just get away for a little while?"
"That sounds like a great idea.” I turned my head to look at the clock on the bedside table. It was just after seven. I reached out for my cell phone. “I'll leave a voicemail message for my assistant.” I'd turned my phone off the night before, and when I switched it back on I saw that I had several missed calls—a couple from Ben, one from Robyn and one from dad. Nothing from mom. I hadn't really expected there to be one, but still...
Deciding that I had done enough weeping over the matter to last a year, I determinedly put thoughts of my mother out of my mind. Chaise and I enjoyed a long, leisurely shower together, then went down to Goddess where we had coffee and pastries. Sophie, with her usual bounce in her step, was more than happy to hold the fort for the day and even packed us an impromptu picnic of sandwiches and fruit juice.
We drove out of the city and down to the coast where we had our picnic on the beach and enjoyed an afternoon on the pier, riding the ferris wheel, eating cotton candy and corn dogs, and taking turns on the shooting gallery—I won a huge stuffed penguin, but we laughed at the idea of trying to get it home on the bike, so we presented it to a delighted little girl.
As afternoon turned into evening, we ate dinner at a small inn where we decided to stay the night, so we were able to share a bottle of wine.
Our room was small and intimate, most of it taken up with a huge, carved wooden bed. It had a tiny little balcony overlooking the ocean, with French windows and filmy voile panels that fluttered in the warm evening breeze. We made love to the sound of the waves on the beach, as the evening sun sank behind the horizon, and long into the night. Exhausted and completely spent, we fell asleep and didn't wake until after ten in the morning—necessitating a hasty call to the office to let them know that I would be taking another personal day. We lounged around for another hour before finally going downstairs to have brunch and pay the bill.