In My Shoes (25 page)

“Oh yeah,” he said. “It’s been a blast.”

“So, I stopped him and told him he was
obnoxious and that he could be so much better if he tried harder,
and that girls would like him better if he wasn’t always overdoing
things. I said he would do better if he were just himself.”

“So, you told him to be himself, but just
change most of what he’s like?” he said, a little concerned and a
little amused.

“Wow, I don’t think it sounded like that. I
was trying to tell him to be himself and not put on such a front. I
did tell him to take his classes more seriously, though. Maybe I
should clarify what I meant.”

“Probably not. He’ll get over it, but opening
up that conversation again would probably do more harm than good.
Besides, I wasn’t there, so maybe you were clearer with him.
And…maybe getting a girl’s perspective will make him realize what
others have been saying to him for a while.”

“That’s what I said, sort of.”

“You know, he’s really not a bad guy.”

“It’s strange. At first I couldn’t stand
either of you. Even Mike has his moments…when he’s not being over
the top obnoxious.”

“And me?” Jake asked.

“What about you? Surely by now you know I
think you’re alright.”

“I thought so, but the way you grouped us
together just now…”

“Only in that I had the same opinion of you
two at first. Mike may have some redeeming qualities, but he still
is more annoying than not. You are…actually a pretty good guy…for a
girl, that is,” I said smiling.

“Thanks. So now that we’ve gotten totally off
subject, what did you need to talk to me about?”

“We actually weren’t on
that
subject,
and we don’t have enough time to talk about it right now.”

“Can’t you just give me an idea of what this
is about?”

“I can’t. Telling you a little will just make
you want to know more. It’s just a few hours, and then I can give
you all of the story.”

“Nothing is wrong is it? You’d tell me now if
something was wrong with my mother, right?”

“Of course. You’re mom is fine. There is
nothing to worry about. We just need the proper amount of time to
have the whole conversation.”

“You’re killing me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Ugh…okay, I’ll see you later.” He was
frustrated, but he was trying to be playful.

“See you,” I said and headed to the locker
room.

Mike was already dressed when I got in there,
which was a relief. I have been trying really hard to mind my own
business. It was still uncomfortable being in the boys’ locker
room. Mike didn’t seem to be nearly as shy. I didn’t know if it was
a guy thing or a Mike thing, but knowing that I am a girl, you
would think he would be more discreet around me. He wasn’t.

I quickly changed and we headed out for
class. Today we were playing volleyball. I liked volleyball okay,
but I could tell most of the guys didn’t care for it. Time passed
by quickly, and before I knew it we were heading back to the locker
room.

This being my third day of P.E., I had
developed a pretty good system for handling the shower situation.
On the way to the showers I would stare at the floor. Once I
reached the showers, I would stare at the wall and sing a song in
my head while I washed up. I hoped I wouldn’t have to do this much
longer, but at least now I knew I could handle it if I needed
to.

Back at my locker, I quickly dressed and told
Mike I would see him in physics. Each day this gets a little
easier. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing, but I’d take any
small victory at the moment.

Jake was in English when I arrived. He smiled
awkwardly, and I could tell he was still thinking about this
impending conversation. Truth be told, I was actually thinking
about it too. I really didn’t know how to start the conversation.
It was such an important conversation that I didn’t want to tell it
wrong. I kept rolling everything she said over again in my mind,
trying to make sure that I didn’t forget any of the
information.

I was obviously distracted because, before I
knew it, class was already over. I think Jake was distracted to,
because he jumped when the bell rang.

Physics went along with similar speed, and as
Spanish began winding down, I could feel the nervousness in my
stomach. The minutes seemed to be ticking away as though they were
seconds.

I didn’t really know why I was so nervous. I
didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault that we were in this
situation, and that his mother chose
now
to give this
revelation. And really, Jake’s either going to be happy or sad
or…whatever, and we’d move on. Still, none of this was making me
feel any better.

The bell rang and I headed to my…well, Jake’s
locker. Jake must have rushed, because he was at the locker waiting
for me. He seemed white as a ghost. He looked as nervous as I
felt.

“So,” he began, “where do you want to have
this conversation?”

“Let’s go outside in the courtyard.”

“Okay, should we get some food first?”

“I can’t really eat right now.”

“Me neither,” he said.

We walked out to the courtyard and found a
grassy area under a tree.

“So, let’s have it.”

“I don’t really know how to begin. I’ve been
running it over in my head all morning.”

“Just start from the beginning.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “You’re
mom came into your room this morning.” I looked at him, waiting for
some kind of cue, but he was just staring.

“So,” I continued, “she said she overheard us
talking yesterday about your dad.”

“I don’t remember talking about my dad
yesterday,” he said.

“Well, we didn’t. We were talking about your
conversation with my parents, and I had made some comment about
wanting to talk to my dad about it. But, since it came from your
mouth, she interpreted that as you talking about your dad.”

“Wow, I didn’t even catch on to that. She was
only there for a minute.”

“I didn’t catch on to it either, until I was
trying to reconstruct everything. So, she decided it was time to
tell me about your dad. I tried to stop her,” I quickly added.

“Wait, she told you about my dad?” he asked.
I couldn’t really read his expression. I probably couldn’t have
read it if he were in his body, but being in my body made it that
much more difficult.

“Yes.”

“What did she say? Where is he? Why did he
leave?”

“He’s…dead,” I said, tearing up. “Jake, I’m
so sorry.”

“So, that’s it? She just told you he
died?”

“No, she told me quite a bit. I tried to tell
her she should tell me another time, so maybe you could hear it
directly, but she said she needed to say it then.”

“So, what did she say? Tell me
everything.”

I went through every detail I could remember,
trying to tell the story as close to the way she told it to me.
After I had told him what I thought was everything, it occurred to
me that I had left out the only good part of the story.

“Oh, and…he left you money!”

“What do you mean he left us money? We don’t
have any money.”

“No, he left
you
money.”

I told Jake about the savings and life
insurance his dad left in his name. Jake looked stunned. He was
trying to sort it all out.

“So, why haven’t I seen any of this money
before? Where is it?”

“I don’t really know. Your mom just said that
she was the trustee of the account until you turn eighteen, and
then it is yours. I don’t think you’ve seen any of it because your
mom wanted to make sure it was safe until you went to college.”

“But, we could have really used that money
all of this time.”

“I don’t think your mom wanted to use it. I
think she wanted to make sure it was just for you. She didn’t say
exactly, but that was the impression I got.”

“This would have been good to know. I mean,
she’s always given me the things I’ve asked for, but because we
didn’t have a lot of money, I’ve always tried not to ask for much.
Had I known, maybe I would have asked for some of the things I
really wanted.”

I didn’t say anything. He sat, thinking for a
few minutes. Finally he found his voice. “So, was there anything
else?”

I thought. “I really tried to remember
everything so I could relay it to you. Your mom seemed very upset.
I could tell she was trying very hard to give an honest account of
everything. She took a fair amount of blame for how things ended
up, and she was very apologetic for not telling you sooner. She
said as time went on, it just got easier not to bring the
conversation up.”

I waited a bit longer before I spoke again.
“Are…you angry?”

“I…don’t really know what I feel. I don’t
think I’m angry. Sad I guess. Confused. I mean, on top of
everything else going on right now, I find out that my world has
just flipped. Now all of a sudden I have all of this money I didn’t
have before. I’ve always tried to get good grades so I could have a
chance at getting scholarships, and now I don’t have to worry about
that.”

“No,” I said, “but the good grades are still
important. Plus, you can still get scholarships and save the money.
Just think of the opportunities you’ll have now. It has to be a
little exciting, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just hard to process. I would
have liked to have been there so I could have asked her more
questions.”

“I told her that,” I said. “I told her I
needed to think about everything and that I would probably have
more questions later. I thought you might have questions, and I
didn’t want to speak for you.”

“Thank you,” he said softly.

I smiled. “I’m so sorry I had to be the one
to hear it instead of you.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” He didn’t
really sell it, but he was trying not to make a big thing out of
this.

“So, how do you want to handle this? Do you
want to give me a list of questions?”

“Yeah, I will think of some questions and
write them down for you. I would like to be there, but that would
look funny to have…well, you there.”

“What if you hid in the closet or something?”
I said.

“How would that work?”

“Well, if we get there before she gets home
from work, you could be waiting in the closet already. I could ask
her the questions and then when she goes to her room, or the
bathroom, you could come out. You could leave, or you could stay
and we could pretend you just arrived.”

“Hmmm...that might work. Let me think about
it, and let you know later.”

“Okay,” I said. “I have to say, I’m relieved
now that I’ve told you. I was so nervous.”

“Why?”

“Well, I didn’t know how you would handle all
of this. It’s kind of a big thing. I have to say, you handled it
well.”

“Thanks. I’m actually relieved, too. It’s
amazing what you can work up in your mind when you don’t know what
the conversation is going to be about.”

“What did you think I was going to say?”

“I don’t know. Most of them were pretty
far-fetched, but when you don’t have a frame of reference, lots of
things seem possible. I certainly didn’t think it would be about my
father.”

“Sorry,” I said thoughtfully.

“It’s fine. You know, I’m getting hungry now.
Let’s get some food before lunch is over.”

We grabbed some food and headed over to where
the girls were sitting. Mike was there. They all seemed a little
concerned when we showed up.

“There you guys are,” Jessica said. “Where
were you?”

“We were in the courtyard,” I said. “We were
talking about a project we have to do for English.”

“Thanks for including me!” Meredith said,
obviously offended.

Whoops. “Sorry Mer,” I said. “I asked Nicole
about it on the way to lunch, and you weren’t there.”

“It’s fine.” She wasn’t very convincing.

“Sorry,” Jake added, “we didn’t mean to make
you wonder. We just thought it would be better to sort it out where
we had some quiet. Did we miss anything?”

“Just us talking about where you guys could
both be,” Mike said.

We both looked at Jessica. “Sorry,” we both
said.

“Well, you’re here now,” she said, trying to
sound bubbly. “So, we’re all in for Friday night.”

“Oh, great!” I said. “I hadn’t had a chance
to ask Mike yet. So,” I said, looking Mike’s way, “you can go?”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” he said wryly. “It
should be a lot of fun.”

Yeah, it should be a
real
blast.
“Yeah, it should be a real blast!”

Jake and I ate quickly, since there wasn’t
much time left. We mainly listened as the others talked. We
responded when necessary, but we mainly just observed. Strange how
so much has changed in a week’s time. I would never have figured
that we would all be sitting here as a group.

The warning bell rang and we said our
goodbyes. Jake had Spanish with Caryn and Meredith, so they left
together. Jessica headed to her class, and Mike walked with me even
though we didn’t have the same class.

“So,” he started, “what were you guys really
doing?”

“I think it would be best if Jake told
you.”

“I knew it! You guys hooked up, didn’t
you?”

“No, we didn’t!” I said, looking around.
“Don’t say that too loud, either. Jessica has a thing for Jake, as
if you didn’t know. I don’t want her thinking something is going
on.”

“Well, then what else could be so
important?”

“Like I said, I think Jake should tell
you.”

“Come on.”

“Fine. Jake’s mom came into my room this
morning and told me all about Jake’s dad.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Before I had a chance to tell Jake? I don’t
think so. This is a big deal, Mike.”

“I know. Jake and I have been best friends
for years. I would’ve been the first person he told.”