In My Shoes (14 page)

“Okay. By the way, I noticed your mom calls
you Nikki.”

“Yeah?”

“So, who all calls you Nikki, and who calls
you Nicole?”

“My mom usually calls me Nikki, but my dad
usually calls me Nicole. Some of my friends call me Nikki and some
call me Nicole. To everyone else, I go by Nicole.

“You can call me Nikki if you like,” I said,
in case he was unsure what category he fell in.

“Thank you, but is it okay if I call you
Nicole?”

“Oh, okay. You can call me Nicole.” I wasn’t
sure exactly what he meant by that.

“Don’t take that the wrong way. I just think
Nicole just sounds more…mature, or…sophisticated maybe.”

Oh. I hadn’t really considered that before.
Hmmm. “Nicole is good,” I said, smiling.

“So,” I said, shifting thoughts, “I don’t
really even know how to start with learning handwriting. I guess
maybe one of us should start by writing and having the other try
and duplicate it?”

“Yeah,” Jake confirmed, “I think that’s a
good idea. Would you like to show first or learn first?”

“I’ll learn first. Why don’t you start with
your signature.”

He signed his name on a lined sheet of paper
and moved it in front of me.

“Well,” I said, “the good news is that I
think I can learn your handwriting pretty easily.”

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Your handwriting is pretty much standard
cursive. It’s neat, structured and follows all of the rules.”

“So,” he followed, “the bad news must
be…”

I signed my name below his and passed it
back.

“…that your handwriting is nothing like
that.”

“Sorry,” I offered consolingly.

“That’s alright. I’ll figure it out. Here,”
he said cutting the paper in two, “you take mine and I’ll take
yours. We’ll practice for a while and compare.”

We practiced writing each others’ signatures
for probably an hour. The longer this whole thing has gone on, the
more I’ve felt like I was losing myself. I don’t look like a girl,
I don’t sound like a girl and I’m not allowed to walk or act like a
girl. Now, I can’t write like a girl. There’s nothing cute about
his signature. I mean, the essence of me is sitting next to me,
probably feeling the same anxiety as I was, but I was missing being
myself, I was missing my family and I was missing my friends.

I let out a sigh. “Well, I think I’ve got
your signature down pretty well. What do you think?”

“I think it looks pretty good. I don’t think
anyone is going to question that is my handwriting. I wish I were
doing as well. Look.”

He had the main form of my signature, but he
was missing the fluency. “It’s not terrible, it just looks too
rigid. Try relaxing more and go with the flow.”

“Relax. I can’t relax. I don’t know how to
relax. We haven’t even started our homework for tomorrow. I haven’t
figured out your handwriting. I don’t know a thing about
coordinating your clothes, and…”

“What?” I asked softly.

“Nothing,” he said, wiping what seemed like a
tear.

“If you think I can’t relate, you’re wrong.
Try me.”

“I…miss my mom. It’s dumb, but we’re really
close.”

“It’s not dumb,” I countered. “I completely
understand. I miss my parents, too.”

“Yes,” he said patiently, “but you’ve at
least gotten to see your parents. I haven’t even seen my mom in
three days.”

“That’s true, but I haven’t been able to
spend quality time with them, or hug them or tell them I love them.
All I know is this happened for a reason, and we’ve got to do our
best at keeping it together until we are right.”

“I know.”

“What?” I asked.

“I…I’m just afraid that I’m going to
embarrass you.”

“Well, you might embarrass me. I might
embarrass you. All we can do is our best. But, I know you’ll try,
and that’s going to have to be good enough. Besides,” I said
smiling, “it could be worse. I could have switched with Mike.”

Jake laughed. “Man, did I get all of your
hormones with your body?” he said, wiping away the last of his
tears.

“Ha…ha…ha! I hate to break it to you, but I’m
not much of a crier.”

“Oh great, it’s just me then!”

“Look, I might have been crying given the
circumstances, but hormone jokes aren’t exactly the way to a girl’s
good side.”

“Sorry,” he said.

“That’s okay. So, I’m going to work on the
homework for the classes we share. Why don’t you work on the
handwriting more, and when I’m done with our homework, you can copy
what I’ve got. Then we can do our individual subjects.”

“Okay,” he said turning back to the
paper.

“Keep this in mind, my signature isn’t
exactly the same twice. It would be better at this point not to try
so hard. My signature is light and happy.”

“Light and happy,” he repeated.

“Yeah, just don’t try so hard. Now, get back
to work!” I said, pretending to sound tough.

He smiled and went back to work. We managed
to get a lot done over the next few hours. I had finally completed
both of our physics and English homework and Jake had gotten my
handwriting to the passable point…I think.

“Let’s take a break for a few. We’ve been at
it for hours and my eyes are blurry. I know, why don’t I go and put
together some outfits for you to wear this week. I’ll put them
together in the closet, and then you just have to put them on. That
will save me from having to teach you how to coordinate your
wardrobe for now.”

“Good idea.”

I walked into the closet and started putting
outfits together. I wasn’t in there for more than three minutes
when my mother walked into the room.

“Hi, Sweetheart. How’s your studying
going?”

“It’s going well,” Jake said. “We decided to
take a break.”

“So, where’s Jake?” she asked.

“Uh…I think he went outside to make a phone
call.”

“Oh,” she said. It sounded like she sat on
the bed.

“So, you’ve been spending a lot of time with
him. You like him, huh?”

“Oh, it’s not like that,” Jake offered.
“We’re just studying together.”

“So, you don’t like him?” she pressed.

“Mom, I don’t have time for boys.”

“What do you mean you don’t have time for
boys?”

“I…I mean I’m busy with school and trying to
get ready for college. I’ll have time for boys later.”

“Nikki, you’ve never told me this before.
Sweetie, I admire your focus and dedication, and your priorities
are definitely in order.”

“Thank you,” he said. I have to say, he was
delivering my words pretty well.

“But Nikki, there’s a big difference between
prioritizing your goals and manufacturing your life.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, it’s one thing not to
actively pursue boys and it’s another thing to not allow yourself
to meet a boy because it doesn’t fit into your schedule.”

“But if I meet a boy, it could interfere with
my studies. Besides, I’ve got plenty of time to meet boys.”

“Do you? Nikki, this may not be the
conversation most mothers have with their kids, but you never know
when you are going to meet that someone you are meant to be with. I
would hate for you to miss out on meeting the right person because
it didn’t fit into your schedule.

“Now, don’t misunderstand me...your studies
should be your highest priority. You have excellent grades, though.
I know you won’t let your grades slip because of a boy. Be sure to
take any relationship slow. Give it time to develop.”

My mom laughed. “You know, when I came in
here I had intended to tell you to be sure to take it slow with
Jake…you know, don’t think you have to spend all of your time with
him just because you like him. Somehow, it went from that to
sounding like I’m telling you to go out and date.”

“That’s pretty much what I heard,” Jake said,
sounding kind of uncomfortable.

“That’s really not what I’m trying to say.
I’m just saying don’t try and fit your life into some predetermined
schedule. Absolutely prepare yourself to go to the best colleges in
the country, and when the opportunity comes, take it. Just don’t
ignore the rest of your life along the way. It takes time to
develop a relationship, and really know if you are meant to be with
someone. Let it happen naturally, not on a schedule.”

“Okay. Thanks…Mom,” he said softly.

“Will Jake be staying for dinner? We are
eating in an hour or so.”

“I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when he
comes back inside.”

My mother left the room and I worked my way
out of the closet. Jake and I both looked at each other, not
knowing quite what to say. Jake broke the silence first.

“I’m sorry. Did I say it wrong? I didn’t
expect that conversation at all.”

“You actually did great. That’s just about
exactly what I had told you. I…I just can’t believe that was her
reaction.” I didn’t know what else to say, and I’m guessing Jake
didn’t either. I obviously had some thinking to do, but I didn’t
really want to talk to Jake about it at the moment. There was
another long pause before we got ourselves together.

“Good thinking on telling her I was
outside.”

“Thanks. I couldn’t think of a logical reason
why you would be in the closet,” he said.

“Yeah, she already looked at me funny when I
was doing your hair yesterday. Hey, do you want to get out of here
and spend some time studying at your house? Your mom really wants
to meet…well…you, and then you can have a little time in your
comfort zone.”

“Thank you! Yes!” he said as he instantly
started packing up his stuff.

“You’ll need to tell my mom that you are
going out and not to expect you for dinner. You’ll have to be home
by ten o’clock, since it’s a school night. By the way, what’s your
curfew?”

“My mom is pretty flexible. She mainly just
wants to know where I am and that I’m safe. On a school night, she
expects me to be home or staying at Mike’s by eleven, unless there
are extenuating circumstances.”

“What kind of extenuating circumstances would
keep you out past eleven on a school night?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t know. I haven’t had many. Mike’s car
broke down once. That’s about it.”

We finished packing our things up and headed
down the stairs. My dad was talking to my mom in the kitchen. We
walked in and they looked at us and smiled.

“What’s up you two?” my dad asked.

“Is it okay if I go out for a couple of
hours? I need a break from studying and thought I’d go out.”

“Sure, but what about dinner?” my mom
asked.

“I’ll eat while I’m out, if that’s okay.”

“Just be home by ten, okay?” my dad added,
and opened his arms to get a hug.

Jake hesitated before heading over to get his
hug. My dad gave him a tight squeeze and kissed his forehead. I
should probably have been sad that my dad was giving my affection
to Jake, but I couldn’t help but smile at the awkwardness Jake must
have been feeling at that moment.

“Have a good night,” I said to them both.
They offered the same and we left.

“Thank you,” I said.

“What for?” he asked.

“For trying your best to be me. I know it’s
hard. Trust me, I know.”

“Yes, but you’re doing the same for me. That
was the deal,” he reminded me.

“Okay, so should I call your mom to tell her
we are coming over?”

“That’s probably a good idea, but she doesn’t
know I…you…have a phone. Here, call from…this one,” he said handing
me my phone.

I dialed his number and his mother answered.
“Hi Mom. Nicole and I are coming over. We’re going to study over
there for a while.”

“Oh great! Have you kids had dinner yet?”

“No, not yet.”

“Good. I’ll make some spaghetti for all of
us. I can’t wait to meet her!”

“Okay, we’ll see you in a bit. Bye.”

I hung up the phone and handed it to Jake.
“She can’t wait to meet you,” I said, smiling.

“Oh boy,” he countered.

“Should I be worried?” I tried to say it as
lightly as possible, so it didn’t sound threatening.

“I don’t think so. I hope not. You told her
we were just studying together, right?”

“Right. Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be
fine.”

We arrived at Jake’s house, walked in the
door and headed toward the kitchen.

“Hi Mom,” I said cheerfully.

“Hi Hon,” she said with a smile as she turned
to look at Jake.

“Mom, this is my friend Nicole.”

“It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Matthews,” he
said.

“Please, call me Angela,” she said softly.
This is so strange. “I hope you like spaghetti,” she continued.

“Oh yes, thank you. It smells wonderful. Jake
was just telling me that you make fantastic spaghetti.” I was? Oh,
well, he must be improvising. I haven’t had her spaghetti before,
but apparently it must be good.

“Dinner will be ready in about twenty
minutes. Would you like a drink Nicole?”

“Oh, no thank you. I’m fine for now.”

“Well, if you change your mind, please feel
free to help yourself. My home is your home.” If she only knew.

“Thank you very much,” Jake said.

“Why don’t we study until dinner is ready,” I
suggested.

“Sure,” Jake said. We both headed into Jake’s
room.

“So,” he said, changing the subject, “you
introduced me as your friend.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to start you off on the
right foot with your mother,” I said, smiling.

He smiled back.

“Jake, I think it’s safe to say I consider
you a friend. How could you not be after everything we’ve been
through? You’re…alright.

“Okay,” I continued, but shifting gears, “we
need to learn each others’ schedule and routines.”

“Alright, do you want to go first, or do you
want me to?”

“You can,” I offered. “I know you have second
period English and third period physics. I think we have the same
government teacher, but different times.”