Chase’s back went so straight so quick he rocked on his heels. His bright green eyes shot sparks as his lips thinned. Glenn tensed, fully expecting to be attacked by the smaller man—and to have his ass kicked. Hopefully Xavier would pull Chase off him if Glenn was getting too severe a whupping—not that Glenn was a wuss in any way, but he still hadn’t fully recovered and Chase was…well, he was a pit bull on crack when it came to fighting, from what Glenn knew of the man.
So he was tensed and trying to prepare himself for a fight he didn’t think he could win and was too fucking tired to think of an exit strategy when Chase’s shoulders drooped and he all but crawled onto Xavier’s lap. The bigger man cradled Chase gently, murmuring softly www.total-e-bound.com
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to him as Chase whispered furiously. Glenn did his best not to listen, then gave up, went into the bathroom and shut the door. He’d meant to shave earlier anyway.
Glenn turned on the water and gave himself a once-over in the mirror. He looked every bit his age, probably even older, with those dark circles under his eyes. When had he got crow’s feet, and the furrow that was etched into his forehead? Along with all the new-ish wrinkles, he was also getting those lines he always thought of as parenthesis around his mouth.
At least he still had his dimples…although they were harder to spot with the fuzz on his face. Glenn brushed a hand over one of his temples.
And a lot of grey hair.
It looked like more had popped up in the past few days, even. He wasn’t sure about the bullshit that said men looked dignified with grey hair.
I just look old, period. And James is twenty-nine… Fuck,
what would he want with an old guy like me?
Maybe that’s why James always had seemed so skittish around him. Maybe he read Glenn’s attraction, and was totally grossed out at the thought of hooking up in any way with someone so much older. Fifteen years was quite a difference, there was no denying it.
Granted, James had refused to talk to just about every other FBI agent besides Glenn, which had, admittedly, given Glenn some hope, but he’d always had the look of fear bordering on panicked terror about him when Glenn saw him—unless he was doped to the gills. Even then Glenn swore he could see the terror in the man’s pretty green eyes. But age difference shouldn’t make anyone that scared and Glenn just didn’t know what the hell to think right now.
I’m too tired to try to figure this out. I just need to shave and get those nosy mother hens out of
my room.
Glenn had just splashed his face in preparation to lather up his burgeoning beard when the bathroom door flew open, nearly scaring him into making a definitely unmasculine noise. He glared at Chase and Xavier where they hovered in the doorway. “Do you two mind?”
“You’re not going to shave that off, are you?” Chase asked, walking right in, his gaze somewhere on Glenn’s face. Xavier followed Chase, stopping behind him so that the three men were crammed into the tiny bathroom. Chase reached out and touched Glenn’s fuzzy cheek, his eyes meeting Xavier’s in the mirror. “You should grow one, Xav. You’d look sexy as fuck with a beard, or a goatee at least.”
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Chase dropped his hand back to his side and looked at Glenn. “You should leave it.
The grey makes you look all dignified and like someone dependable and strong and like a great big bear. James needs someone like that, and you know his folks. He grew up surrounded by these wealthy, clean cut, groomed to a T men. They’ve never really been his thing. Just thought you should know.” Then Chase shrugged and waggled his eyebrows at Xavier. “You, of course, look sexy, period. But I’ve always loved the way that scruff feels on my skin—”
Xavier was reaching for Chase before the man finished speaking. “Glenn, all we really wanted to do was to make sure you weren’t followed, and to ask you to give us some warning before you show up. Or at least, show up at my place, not James’. I’m sure you know he’s in the garage apartment, but I think he’s still very scared, and a bit of a mess.”
Glenn nodded as he shut off the water. “All right, I can do that. I do only want what’s best for James.”
And I just hope like hell that’s me.
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James closed the door and leaned against it, his heart racing so fast his head was swimming. He didn’t know why, exactly, he felt a trill of fear every time he thought about Glenn Shearing, except every time he did, the memories of his captivity slammed into him.
He was thrown back into that dark room, bound and hurting, terrified, waking to find a strange man staring at him. Really, he thought he should feel relief or something like that, because Shearing had, from what Chase told him, worked tirelessly to find him.
And he had. Shearing had seen him, chained and abused like some wild animal, almost feral in his fear. He’d seen James, weak, dazed, more than half out of his mind. Then Shearing had almost died, and James didn’t know how to deal with the guilt he felt over that.
Everything that had happened, all the bad shit, all of it was James’ fault. If he’d just left Mitch Rollins alone, he and Chase and so many others wouldn’t have paid such a high price for James’ righteous attitude.
Other people would have, though. Mitch Rollins would have continued raping and assaulting young men. If James had done nothing, there’d have been more victims, his daddy’s money getting him off the hook for it time and time again. James couldn’t have lived with himself if he’d done nothing, but the outcome, the pain caused to his friends…
The guilt was often overwhelming, and every time James had seen the big FBI agent, he’d bordered on panicking. Being drugged at the ‘rehab clinic’ had helped curtail that somewhat, but James didn’t have any of those hated drugs in his system now, and Shearing was here, wanting to see him.
James couldn’t figure out why. What would Shearing want with him? Did he want a pound of flesh for having been hurt trying to rescue James? Or did he think James a weak, simpering fool who would be easily controlled?
The man Rollins Sr had paid to kidnap him had known how to control James. All of James’ pride, all that he thought he was—strong ethics, morals, the things that he’d have said made him who he was—had ended up costing him and those he cared about an www.total-e-bound.com
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unfathomable price. James wasn’t sure he wanted to be that man anymore, not if it caused so much pain for others.
James didn’t know who, or what, he was, other than scared all the fucking time. And now Shearing was here, or at Chase and Xavier’s, rather, and he wanted to see James.
“Why?” James murmured, his voice hitching as fear sped through his bloodstream.
Why had Shearing followed him? Did he think James owed him for the injury? Why was he here? James couldn’t figure it out.
Perspiration made his hand slippery on the door knob. James huffed and wiped his hands on his sweats before straightening and trying to find his backbone. Surely it was somewhere in there.
It will be fine. Chase will be there, and Xavier, and nothing bad will happen.
Except I’ll look at Shearing, and I’ll remember everything I want to forget, and probably end up
screaming and curling up on the floor like a nut case. Like what I am.
He looked around the small living room. He felt safe here, at least a little bit. The locks on the door were heavy, good, but not good enough to keep Chase out. And Chase probably wasn’t the only person with that level of lock-picking skills, sure, but it couldn’t be very common, either. The windows were equipped with quality locks as well. This was quickly becoming his sanctuary, and James didn’t know if he could leave it.
“It’s just a short walk to Chase’s house,” he told himself, but his hands had started shaking and those tremors were quickly spreading up his arms. If he didn’t get himself under control, he’d soon be the curled up ball of crazy he’d envisioned himself being.
James took several long, slow breaths, making sure to exhale in the same manner. He forced his mind to focus on calming things—the sound of ocean waves lapping at the sand, something he had loved hearing the one time he’d gone to a beach, the way the early morning sun warmed his skin through the window before the day became so miserably hot, the fact that Chase would kill someone before he let them hurt James. That last one was a little drastic, but it soothed away a big chunk of the fear that had threatened to overpower James.
Once he had managed to keep from shaking into a thousand pieces, James went into his bedroom and changed clothes. He’d been living in sweats and baggy T’s, but for this meeting—or whatever it was—he didn’t want to be quite so casual. James wished he had one www.total-e-bound.com
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of his suits; he’d worn his Armani like a suit of armour. A bitter laugh slipped free. None of those suits would fit him now. He’d look like a kid playing at being a grown up.
Instead he pulled on a pair of loose jeans and a slightly less baggy T, one that didn’t cling to his skinny frame yet didn’t swallow him up either. Once he had his Vans on he was pretty much ready to go.
Except maybe he should check his hair and brush his teeth again. James went into the bathroom, aware that he was stalling but unable to get past it. Then he looked in the mirror and wished he had just left, or cancelled this whole stupid thing, because even he couldn’t miss the haunted look in his eyes or the way his cheeks were hollowed, the bags and pinched look and the pallor—
“Stop it!” James slapped a hand over his reflection and dropped his head down. This wasn’t helping him at all, and he just could not refuse to go to the house. Chase would want to know why, and James didn’t want to tell him about the fear, no, the terror, that tried to claw at his chest at the idea of leaving the little apartment. Or the way James couldn’t think about Shearing without feeling scary things inside, things so jumbled it was easier to lump them all in with the fear that was so familiar to him now.
James tried to breathe past the tightening in his chest. It seemed the more he tried the more he panicked because air didn’t seem to be getting down into his lungs. His mind raced faster than his pulse and he couldn’t fucking
think!
Not past the fact that he didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to face what had happened to him, and he’d have to if he saw Shearing.
There was just something that pushed at him, and it was, at this point, pushing James towards thoughts and memories and fear and pain…and the realisation that he wasn’t a strong man, wasn’t able to keep himself safe, that he could be hurt and used and—
That strangled sound couldn’t have come from his lips. It couldn’t have been him, any more than this body sinking to the floor could have been his. He used to be strong, he wasn’t afraid of anything, he had wanted to make a difference in the world—but now, all he wanted to do was hide from it.
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Glenn shifted uncomfortably on the couch and wished he’d remained standing in the first place. He looked at his watch.
6:18. Not quite twenty minutes late. Maybe James got a phone
call or something. Except who would be calling him?
Glenn knew the names of James’ friends and family, even a lot of his clients, and he couldn’t think of anyone the man would be in touch with right now besides Chase.
Unless he’s hit it off well with Nick?
He knew the man had been by, Chase had said as much at the hotel yesterday. It had surprised Glenn, since as far as he knew neither man had met more than once, but he supposed it was possible he didn’t know everything about James’ life before Rollins had steamrolled over it. Glenn wondered if there was something more there, despite knowing this Nick guy had a boyfriend. It wasn’t like that meant instant monogamy.
Glenn rubbed the back of his neck and tried not to think about the dark-haired cowboy touching James, stroking his pale skin that looked so soft, so inviting. It made him ache inside, and want to put his fist through something—preferably Nick’s face.
Chase’s worried voice snapped Glenn out of his brooding. “He’s not answering his cell. Maybe I should go check on him.”
Glenn stood up then, shoving his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He’d thought it best to dress casually so James would hopefully understand this wasn’t a case-related visit.
Xavier watched him expressionlessly and Glenn felt a twitch develop beside his mouth. He struggled to stop it but gave up and scrubbed at the spot. “I’d like to go with you,” he finally said when Chase started to head towards the door.
Chase stopped and looked at Glenn. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I told you, James hasn’t been…he just hasn’t been anything like himself. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know if I should push or back off or what.”
Glenn nodded but started walking in the direction of the door. “I wouldn’t expect him to be like himself.” Not when he knew things that had happened to the man, things he wouldn’t tell anyone else unless James’ safety hinged on it. “But I’ve never hurt him, never spoken a harsh word to him. It’s true he’s always seemed skittish around me, when he www.total-e-bound.com
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wasn’t stoned out of his mind, but I don’t know why—and I need to know, and I think James needs to realise I’m not out to hurt him.”
That sounded better than
he needs to know I want him, I want to help him heal and see that
smile like the one in his file, the one that lit him up from the inside out, I want to see that directed at
me. I want—
Glenn shut off that train of thought; he wanted too many things, probably. “How long has it been since he’s left the apartment?”