In Ecstasy (11 page)

I made a decision that weekend, tucked into my bed, a crumpled pile of tissues in my lap and my photo albums spread out in front of me. I had to accept the changes. Mia had moved on, somewhere I didn't want to go. We had nothing, nada, zip, zero in common any more. In fact, I probably had more in common with Adele. Not her overwhelming passion for study, but her determination. I was determined to like myself. I guess the biggest thing I got out of that night was this: Sophie Spencer deserves better. Sophie Spencer wants to be with people who like her for who she really is, not judge her for the mistakes she made.

So when Mia offered me the olive branch it was all I could do not to whack her with it, hard. ‘You can trust me,' she said. Trust! She wouldn't have known trust if it had bitten her on the arse. No doubt she was wrecked over her break-up with Lewis. But I wasn't going to be there to pick up the pieces. She would have to handle it on her own.

I was horrified to learn later that the guy at the party died. There were plenty of rumours about the OD, though no one from school really knew him. But I did hear that Mia and Lewis just dumped him at the hospital and left him to die. By then, I didn't think she could do anything else to shock me, but I was disgusted that she could be so callous.

It seemed unbelievable. What Mia and her friends were up to was more than stupid, it was dangerous; it was killing people. For that reason too I couldn't be a part of her life any more. It's called self-preservation, I learnt about it in biology. In order to save yourself, you have to remove yourself from danger. And that's what I did.

I decided I couldn't afford to care about her any more. She thought she was so tough and mature and adult she could handle anything that happened. Well, if she wanted to hang out with rapists and druggies then let her. That was her attitude—you get what you deserve. I wouldn't talk to her and I couldn't look at her.

I was so glad when Dominic returned from his comp.

I couldn't go to Tower's funeral. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. The foam, the whites of his eyes—I couldn't bear to remember them. I didn't want to look at Lewis and Roger as Tower was lowered into the ground. I read the report of his death in the papers. It had been treated as an accidental overdose. Enquiries into how he'd got to the hospital, or where he'd been before, were inconclusive. Lewis and Roger got what they wanted—no trouble on their heads. The toxicology report showed cocaine, alcohol, MDMA, LSD—and even rat poison. Why the hell was that there?

If I passed through the canteen I'd dart a sideways glance towards Lewis and his group. But they were oblivious to me. I was Invisible Mia again, drifting through the school unseen and unheard. It was no great shock to see him and Sasha together. I'd heard the rumours—passed on with a bitchy smile by girls who had hated me being with Lewis—that they'd hooked up the day after the party.

I missed Soph so much. I tried to patch things up with her but she completely cut me out. I texted and emailed her, trying to explain, but I don't know if she ever read them. I tried talking to her at school, but she'd just get up and move away from me, or look straight through me like I was vapour. She was hanging out with mega-straight girls, and when they saw me coming they'd close in around her like they were protecting her from me. I realised then she thought I was scum.

At home things were just as bad. My Tuesday blues extended to every day now. Each morning when I woke it was with heaviness and dread. I could barely stand myself. I had nothing to offer anybody. Why would anyone want to be my friend? I was totally boring and uninteresting. I was constantly on the verge of tears. I spent hours locked inside my room listening to music and staring at the wall, or worse, at my face in the mirror. I despised what I saw. A plain girl, with bland hair. I'd sneer at her and snarl. But she never fought back. I hated her.

One day Mum put her head around my door.

‘What're you doing, babe?'

I shook my head.

She stepped into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. ‘You know there'll be others,' she said.

I nodded, but didn't want to speak. I missed Lewis and the life I'd been leading. I really missed the money and excitement and fun. And God, I missed the Es and the way they made me feel. I wanted to be that other Mia, that fashionable and fun one, the girl with a life. But also, I couldn't stop thinking about Tower, remembering the whites of his eyes.

‘You've got to go out and do things,' Mum said, standing up. ‘Why don't you call Sophie and have a girls' night. We never see her any more.'

‘Maybe,' I said. But I wouldn't call Sophie because she'd just hang up on me.

‘Soph?'

Dominic's voice startled me. It was easy to drift off in companionable silence with him. I was the most comfortable I'd ever been in my own skin with Dom around.

‘What?' I said, sitting up.

‘It's not your birthday yet, but I can't wait any longer.' He was smiling widely. ‘Can I give it to you now?'

He handed me a small square box, which could only mean one thing. A ring.

‘Oh, Dom,' I said anxiously, but he just laughed.

‘Open it, Soph. Don't be scared, it's not an engagement ring, I promise.'

I lifted the lid. Inside, nestled amongst the black velvet padding, sparkled a diamond friendship ring. I pulled it out of the box.

‘Oh, Dom,' I said again, open-mouthed and speechless.

He laughed, delighted with my reaction. ‘Does it fit?'

I slid it onto my ring finger and it fitted perfectly. It was so pretty. I loved it. ‘Thank you,' I said, holding my hand out to admire it. ‘It's beautiful.'

‘Good,' he said, and lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. ‘I love you, Soph.'

Later that day he dropped me at FilmZone to pick up some movies. I headed straight for the new releases. It was a lazy Sunday, and I drifted along the aisle, looking at the covers and admiring my ring every time it caught the light. Simultaneously my hand and someone else's went for the same DVD.

‘Sorry,' I said, turning to the person next to me.

‘Sorry,' she said at exactly the same time. ‘Hi, Sophie.'

‘Oh, hi.'

Mia and me, face to face after all this time of not talking. It defined awkward.

‘What are you doing?' I blundered, even though it was obvious.

‘Getting a movie.' She nodded her head towards the cover in my hand. ‘I've seen that.'

‘Any good?'

She screwed up her nose. ‘Remember that hideous film we saw in Augusta last year?'

‘Yeah,' I said, ‘the kung fu one.' It was on a trip down south with my parents, one of those holidays where it seemed like all we did was swim and eat and laugh. We'd gone to this film night in an old church and seen the worst Chinese action movie ever made. The whole way through, Mia did a voice-over like a kung fu expert, making me and the only other two people there laugh hysterically for the whole ninety minutes.

‘That's right,' she said smiling. ‘It's not as good as that.'

I laughed and stuck it back on the shelf. ‘Think I'll give it a miss.'

And then the awkwardness descended rapidly. The familiarity of her was like an electric jolt, nostalgia and regret all swirled up together. There was so much to say, but instead I couldn't meet her eye again.

‘Well,' she held out the DVD we'd both reached for, ‘do you want this one then?'

‘No, you have it. I'll get something else.'

‘Okay.' She moved her weight from one foot to the other. ‘Okay then.'

‘Okay then,' I repeated.

‘See you,' she said, and moved to the counter.

‘Bye.' I turned away and blinked back the tears that were forming.

I lived in Boredomland. Every other weekend I watched Jordie go off to Dad's. Dad wanted me to go too but I couldn't. I heard Mum warn him on the phone to give me some space, that I'd broken up with my boyfriend and needed to be left alone. She did the same, spending hours with Damon at his house on the weekend. I truly was alone.

I'd walk from room to room overwhelmed with bleakness. I wanted to scream and break things. Rip my hair out or smash my reflection in the mirror. Some days I didn't get out of bed. I'd lie there thinking about how I deserved everything I got. How I should just die. Every day I hated myself more. I'd had it all, and I'd thrown it all away. Now I had nothing and no one.

Seeing Sophie at the DVD shop—her happiness and familiarity—made everything worse. I hated myself for wasting our friendship. It used to be Soph and me, hiring movies and having fun together, but now that had all changed and it was all my fault.

I knew I'd never have another friend like Sophie. I needed some type of human contact, even if it was only cyber. I went into a couple of chat rooms. I saw a forum on drug use and typed in ‘ecstasy'.

I skipped over the heavy stories—the side effects and long-term damage—and read the good stuff. Reading those stories was like turning on a light. I wasn't alone. There were other people just like me who'd found themselves through drugs. I wasn't abnormal. I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way. There were lots of people out there, just like me.

It hit me hard. It was a wonderful experience. The stories I read took me right back into the beauty of it all—the peace, love and unity. Why had I stopped? I'd always had it under control. It wasn't like I'd been using every day. Or couldn't stop if I wanted to. I shook my head in disbelief. I'd fallen for all the hype and scare tactics. I couldn't believe what an idiot I'd been. Tower had died because he was a hard-core doper. He was reckless, an extreme case. He didn't know what was in half the stuff he took and he'd take anything he could get his hands on. The more thought I gave it, the clearer it became. Lewis was right. Nothing he or Roger or I could have done would have helped Tower.

I wasn't like Tower. I didn't mix drugs, apart from the occasional line of coke. And a bit of weed, to bring myself down. And weed isn't a chemical any way—it grows naturally. My Es always came from a reliable source and I'd never had a bad experience. For the first time in weeks I smiled. Why was I sitting here depressed when I could be having fun?

He picked up the phone on the second ring.

‘Hi there.'

‘It's Mia.' I was a bit nervous. ‘What's going on?'

‘Not a lot,' he sounded lethargic. ‘Got a few friends around, chilling out.'

‘Oh,' I paused. I wasn't sure how to ask—I'd never had to before.

‘Wanna come over?' he asked before I could speak.

‘Yeah,' I said gratefully.

‘I'll pick you up in fifteen.'

I brushed my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. It's okay, I told my reflection, you know you can stop whenever you want. You've been three weeks without it. I heard him pull up in the driveway, grabbed my purse and mobile and ran outside.

I slid into the front seat. The car stank of cigarette smoke and was littered with fast food containers.

We headed down the street, his arm draped over the back of my seat. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was kind of attractive in an unshaven sort of way.

My foot tapped against the floor. Phoning Glenn had seemed like a good idea, but now I wasn't so sure. ‘How's everyone going?' I said suddenly, to break the silence.

‘Yeah, okay.' He lit a cigarette and hung his arm out the window. ‘Bit of a shock, the old Tower dying like that. But you know, you get that.' He shrugged his shoulders, ‘He always used to say, “Live fast, die young”.'

‘Yeah, but I don't think he really meant it.'

‘You didn't know Tower like we did.' Glenn flicked ash out the window. We sat without speaking for a minute.

I had to say something. ‘About Sophie,' I began, but he cut me off by swerving off the road, into a carpark. He turned the ignition off and grabbed my hand.

‘Look at me, Mia,' he ordered.

Suddenly I was terrified. Alone, in a car with this guy I barely knew. Maybe even a rapist. What the hell was I thinking? I swallowed hard and looked at him. He squeezed my hand tightly.

‘I have never,
ever
forced myself on anyone in my life.' As he spoke a bit of spit flew off his lip and hit my cheek. I was too scared to pull my hand away and wipe it. ‘You know I like Sophie. She's fun and easygoing. But mate, she has to take responsibility. What she did was her choice.' His dark eyes bored into me. I couldn't look away.

‘We went back to my place and we got it on. I swear to God, Mia, she wasn't raped or set up. There was no gangbang. She chose to do everything she did. And I guess now she wants to blame someone.'

I believed him. I knew Soph, and she did do crazy stuff if she'd had too much to drink. Later she always blamed it on being out of it, not responsible. She'd be the same on drugs. This was the Thomas Westcroft episode all over again. She was just making excuses.

‘Yeah,' I said finally.

He nodded and turned on the ignition. I hesitated for one second. Part of me said, don't do it.

‘Got any Es?'

‘Got any cash?' Glenn asked as we headed down the street again.

‘Nah.' I opened my purse. ‘But I've got my ATM card.'

Dom knew something was wrong when he picked me up outside FilmZone.

‘What's up?' he asked, reversing out of the lot.

I couldn't speak and tried to stop the tears sliding down my cheeks.

‘Hey.' He pulled off the road at the grassy embankment of the lake. ‘Where's the happy girl I left fifteen minutes ago?'

‘I saw Mia,' I said and burst into tears.

He held my hand as I cried. I told him everything—absolutely everything.

‘Sophie, we all make mistakes,' he said. ‘It'll all be okay.'

But later, when we sat watching the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about Mia. She was the sister I'd never had. What had she done that was so wrong? Dom was right; we all make mistakes. I had to come clean. It was time to be honest with her too.

Tomorrow was my birthday; I was turning sixteen. Mum and Dad were taking me out for dinner, my brothers were coming, and of course Dom would be there. It was going to be a special night. But it would only be perfect if I could make up with Mia and have her there too.