In Darkness Lost (4 page)

Councilor West nodded, “I concur, my Queen. But how should we prepare for war?”

“I think we should fortify ourselves first. We are not out to take Cyril’s land, but we will if we must. For now, we strictly defend. Therefore, strong fortifications are our first priority. Would you agree, General?”

“It is exactly what I would have suggested, my Queen.”

“Very well, then. So, is everyone agreed on building defenses?”

It was obvious some of the Council did not understand what I meant. However, Argent had been at peace for nearly two centuries, so this was no shock to me.

One of the councilors stood shakily. She brushed a strand of blond hair out of her face before timidly asking, “Can you please clarify what you mean by ‘build up our defenses’, my Lady?”

Smiling at her to ease her shy reticence, I said, “Certainly, Councilor May. When I say ‘build up our defenses’, I am suggesting that we send soldiers and supplies to help relieve those in the besieged outposts. The attack has just occurred, and they have not yet breached our defenses. If we send help now, we may yet drive them back. This first attack was a warning to us, a statement of their intents. However, I am also suggesting that we build up the fortification of our smaller, out-skirting defense posts. The more defenseless the outpost, the bigger target they are. If the enemy can breach one quietly and quickly, they can be behind our lines before we know it.” I stood, resting my hands on the carved armrests of the throne.

Councilor May nodded, sitting back down.

The council began to talk and voice questions. It was a slow process, and I answered the questions I needed to, led where I thought I should, and listened to them all. Somewhere along the line, I grew tired of standing, and sat back down.

It passed in a haze for the most part, but finally we agreed.

“Very well. We will fortify our smaller outposts, send aid to those under siege, and start to recruit new soldiers. General, I am leaving training to you. Handle the process as you see fit, but start immediately. I understand that your time is valuable, so pick out as many trustworthy officials as you deem necessary to aid you.”

I stood, signaling that the council meeting was over. Walking to the door, I motioned to Crypt. He had observed my doings and the Council unobtrusively and silently, as was his place. When I had passed out of the door, he followed.

I sighed. I had no way to go back now. I couldn’t run because I had nowhere to flee. I realized that I hadn’t considered running an option even when I had the opportunity, but I had wanted the decision to remain open to me. It was done now. My decision was final. Argent was at war.  

We walked down the silent corridors. The only people still in the hallways were the guards, and we only saw them every ten minutes or so as they made their rounds.

“How are you doing, Dairdra?”

She shrugged, her loose, silky hair rolling over her ivory shoulders.

“I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit numb right now.”

I nodded, my face obscured in shadows.

We reached her door. I opened it for her. I was about to turn and go, but she stopped me. Her smooth, cool hand grabbed my wrist, causing tingles to shoot up my arm and over my back.

“Don’t leave me right now. Sit on the balcony with me, Crypt.”

I hesitated. Being seen together at night like this wouldn’t conjure a good image. But then, the guards were the only ones who would see me enter or leave, and they were all faithful, loyal men. Captain Choric had handpicked them to guard the royal family. They would say nothing that would injure their Queen’s reputation.

“Alright.”

I followed her into the chamber, silent. My cloak fluttered black and wraith-like against the silvery white sheen of the moon on her walls.

A warm glow filled my whole body. Dairdra and I were together, and the night was sweet. The weather was fair, and our view of the moon was un-obscured.

I sat down on a wicker chair across from the rose-colored sofa that sat on her white-pillared balcony. She walked out onto the balcony, moonlight shimmering on her black hair and glowing in her pale silver highlights.

She smiled at me, and shook her head. “Why don’t you sit next to me on the sofa, Crypt? It’s chilly out.”

I gave her a searching glance. “It isn’t cold out.” Just the fact that I was here made me feel fuzzy and warm. I wasn’t paying much attention to the weather, and I tended to warm myself with magic from the inside when I was cold.

She raised an eyebrow. “It’s the middle of winter, so, yes, it is.”

I considered the statement for a moment. Actually, it was cold. As she had said, it was the middle of winter, and winters in Argent were harsh, so her statement was valid. I shivered a bit, pulling my cloak tighter around my body.

“Why not put on a cloak or a sweater?”

She gave me a narrow-eyed look.

I got the feeling that she just wanted me to be next to her. Maybe it comforted her.

I got up from the chair and walked over to the sofa. Sitting down and giving her a glance, I raised my eyebrow at her. “Well, I’m sitting on the sofa, which is what you wanted. So come sit next to me.”

She gave me her radiant smile.

I smiled back. Her smile always did that to me. It filled me with excitement and pure bliss. I could never understand what the warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach meant, but I’d been feeling it since I was fifteen and she first smiled at me.

She walked over to me. Her gait was smooth and rolling as though she was gliding instead of walking. The sway of her slender arms as she walked always enamored me, drawing my gaze to her. Her walk was direct; it wasn’t simpering or delicate like the other girls’ gait were.

She reached the sofa. Turning, she sat down, tucking her feet up underneath her, and smoothing her dress out so that its skirts flowed gently over the sofa’s rim, creating a waterfall of deep blue velvet and creamy white lace.

She leaned against me, resting her head on my shoulder. I almost flinched away; part of me was shocked that she would do such a thing. I had never had any particular reason to believe that she viewed me as anything other than a good friend, but friends didn’t usually curl up on a sofa like we were.

Another part of me, however, whispered that this was good, normal even, for the two of us. I wasn't sure that part of me was being particularly helpful at the moment. “Your Highness, perhaps we shouldn’t…”

She cut me off, a slender finger pressed to my mouth. “Don’t, Crypt.”

“But…”

She rolled her eyes at me, “Just stop talking! You’ll ruin the moment.”

Moment? What is she talking about?
I did what she said despite my foreboding. I felt awkward sitting with her like this, but after a few moments, I wrapped my arms around her. It was more comfortable than sitting with them in my lap, and she was shivering anyway.

I had to admit to myself that I liked holding her. She was like a fairy creature, enrapturing those around her with her graceful charm. I realized for the first time that I had been suppressing the truth about my feelings for two years. I’d been enthralled by Dairdra since I first saw her when she was thirteen. Gradually, my admiration had turned into something far deeper. I loved her.

Nonsense! You can’t let yourself love her. Maybe before, but not now. After the truth comes out about your betrayal, she’ll hate you. Loving her now is only going to hurt you later!
I hated myself for what I was thinking and feeling. My stomach churned with anxiety.

The entire moonlit scene was too romantic. It was bringing up feelings I wanted to keep buried. Worse yet, it was causing me to wish that I could actually have Dairdra. I hadn’t even realized the extent of my love for her until now. If I let go of my rigid denial of my feelings for her, it would be a raging fire.

I can’t let that happen. I have to keep myself distant from her to protect both of us. I need leave now.

“Dairdra, I shouldn’t be here.”

She gazed at her hands, and then she tilted her face up so that she could see my face. The moonlight lit her exquisite face. I wanted more than anything to kiss her right then, but I couldn’t. Kissing her might cause me to waver on my decision to shove all passion for her aside. It could destroy everything.

It turned out I didn’t get an option.

“Crypt?” Dairdra whispered.

“What?”

She took a deep breath, and then she gave me a quick, hesitant kiss full on the mouth. I jerked back, breathing hard. My heart raced.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I said darkly.

A blush rose to her ivory cheeks. “I know.” She gazed at her hands, fiddling with a spray of lace on her dress. “You might not feel that way about me, and it was wrong of me to do that. Please, don’t feel any obligation to feel that way about me if you don’t. We can be just friends if you want.”

I gave her a bemused smile.

Her face went crimson. “I know, I was awful, and I never should’ve done that. Just…Forget I ever kissed you.”

I laughed. “I will not! And you weren’t awful.”

She gazed at me, cheeks flaming. “I… You yanked away, so I thought…”

Her gaze fell to her lap, and her shimmering veil of silken black hair fell over her bare shoulders. She had excited something within me that I had kept buried for too long. Suddenly I didn’t care what happened. I wanted her to know I loved her. Even if we might never marry or have a family together, I wanted her to know that I cared. That she wasn’t alone in her love for me. Maybe, just maybe, if I could find a way to get my sister to safety, I could avoid betraying her.

Gently, I cupped her chin in my hand. I lifted her face to mine and kissed her fearlessly. She didn’t yank away like I had thought she would. Instead, she returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck. I broke away from her, breathless. I felt giddy as though I was drunk.

“I should really go,” I whispered.

“Don’t. Not yet. Let’s stay and look at the stars for a little while. I’ll have nightmares tonight, at any rate. I’d like to enjoy this little bit of time with you before I have to deal with that.” She was breathing hard, and her heart thumped rapidly as she leaned against me.

“Why?” I asked suddenly.

She looked up at me, sea-blue eyes glittering. “Why what?”

“You’ve never indicated that you felt that way about me before. So why show it now?”

She ducked her head, black tresses covering her face so I couldn’t see it. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve been hiding it for months on end, and I haven’t admitted it to myself. I buried it without even realizing it, and now… Well, everything’s been so traumatic, and I had to be honest with myself, Crypt. Every single feeling I’ve ever hidden concerning you suddenly started crashing into me tonight when we were coming back to my room. I couldn’t handle it. It was like… it was an overload of feelings! I had to do something with it, let you know how I felt. Not telling you… It felt like I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you…” She trailed off.

My arms were still around her, and I felt her trembling in my embrace. I tightened my embrace.

“It’s fine. I…” I paused, uncertain. “I appreciate that you were level with me. I needed you to be that way so that I could let you know how I feel, I guess. I wanted to tell you.”

She laughed softly. “How long have you been pushing down emotions about me?”

“Ever since I met you,” I whispered.

She looked up at me quickly, eyes widening.

I laughed softly at her expression. “What? It’s true! The moment I laid eyes on you and saw you laughing at something your mother said, I was enamored.  I only just admitted how deeply I love you, though.”

She blushed.

I let go of her, looking into her glittering eyes. “Dairdra?”

“What?”

“We can’t ever be married, so nothing will ever come of our love for each other. You know that, right?”

“But you’re Court Mage, and you’re the most powerful mage we have. Why, in my family lines alone, there has been a history of the Court Mages and the royalty intermarrying. Crypt, there’s no reason why we couldn’t be married if we wished.”

I felt my heart pounding in my chest. “Dairdra… I…”

I couldn’t tell her about the King of Cyril and my own willingness to betray her for my sister’s sake. Not only that, I wasn’t sure I was even willing anymore.

“What?”

She saw the tortured look in my eyes. She laid her hands over mine.

“Crypt, what’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing. It’s just that… Well, family relations are rather strained right now. I’m worried about my sister is all, and she’s not exactly going to talk to me.”

Dairdra nodded. “You two aren’t on good terms?”

“Well, not exactly… It’s just that her loyalties don’t lie where mine do, and we aren’t able to compromise on it.”

“Oh. I see.”

She didn’t, though. She believed what I’d told her, but the problem was, I’d lied about it all. Well, except the part about my sister being unable talk to me and about her loyalties. She was bound to Cyril, and she was incapable of contacting me while at war with my country. She knew as well as I did that it was a treasonous act to have dealings with someone from the enemy country.

Dairdra curled tighter against me. “That doesn’t mean anything to our marriage, Crypt.”

I started. “What? I mean… We’re at war, Dairdra. We shouldn’t get married now.”

She rolled her eyes in the dark. “And if I don’t survive it? Or what if you…” Her voice caught.

I couldn’t stand talking about it. I kissed her hard to stop the words. She kissed me back for a moment, and then pulled away, breathless.

“What if you did… well… Just, what if?”

I put a finger to her lips. “Please… I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll do all I can to see us both out of this alive.”

And it was true. I would. In the end, though, if it meant dying so that she would live, I would do it. She meant as much to me as my sister, and if by betraying her country I could let her live, I would do it.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I twined mine around her waist. I noticed the pale look to her face, and it occurred to me once more that it was the middle of winter, and it was cold.

“We should go inside. It’s freezing out here.” I grimaced.

“I told you that at the beginning, Crypt.” She buried her face in my neck, breathing out with a huff.

“Yeah, well, now we’re both noticing.” I laughed.

She got up, and I opened the door for her. When we were both inside, we sat down on the sofa inside.

“Much better. Not so cold in here.” I murmured.

“Agreed. At least you had a cloak, but you were the only thing keeping me warm!”

I laughed. We sat quietly together. She was curled against me, head resting on my shoulder, my arms around her waist. I wished that we could stay that way forever.

Suddenly she broke the silence. “I still think we could be married if we wanted. Why not soon before the war really starts? Then we can have a little time together before it ends. If either of us died… Well, you know. At least we’d have had a little time.”

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

She gave me a strange look. “Why not?”

I sighed softly. “I can’t explain it. Please just trust me. If you still want to marry me after the war and we’re both still alive, I’ll ask. But not until then. I don’t want you to end up a widow if I die. You’re too young for that.”

She rested her head on my shoulder, shivers wracking her frame. “Fine. I guess I understand where you’re coming from.”

“Thanks.” My voice was soft.