In any ordinary life (In any oridnary Book 1) (35 page)

“You couldn’t be cruel if you tried and I understand what you’re trying to say but you love me and no matter what happens from this point Jeanie I’m not going to be able to forget that.

But besides that what you’re doing now isn’t helping and blaming yourself or thinking that you’re cursed is not going to solve how you feel. It’s going to take time you or any of us don’t just get over what you have been through in five minutes. I just want you to know that I’m here for you and I understand…” Placing her hand in his they began the walk back to the cottage. Reaching home Jeanie pushed on the window of the back door.

   “I love you Jeanie Rutherford you’ll get through this I know you and when you do…I will be right beside you…” Kissing her softly on the cheek John disappeared around the side of the house.

   Jeanie didn’t feel any better for telling him, she didn’t feel any better coming home. Normality seemed further away now than before the war and knowing James was coming home made her feel worse.

   Dropping Jeanie back at off at the cottage made Irene feel sick, the thought of leaving her on her own didn’t sit comfortably.

“Are you sure your going to be ok I can stay with you for another couple of days…”

“You know I have to do this on my own I need routine, normality and James is due tomorrow.” Irene nodded close to tears letting go of her daughters hand had been the hardest action she’d ever had to take.

   Watching her family leave Jeanie felt a weight off her shoulders, the last couple of weeks had been tough and at least for now her every move wasn’t being observed by every member of her family.

   Jeanie sat on the settee watching the fire burn down; the anticipation of James being home made Jeanie feel sick. Wanting and not wanting him had sent her into turmoil on more than one occasion. Jeanie sat questioning why she put herself through a war to find him especially when it had all been lies.

   Lying in bed Jeanie looked at his pillow, the last time they had been at home together had been magical now it just felt like someone else’s life. Listening to the wind howl around the cottage Jeanie checked every window and door. “No point worrying now Jea you wanted him home this is what you did it for.”

   Standing at the kitchen sink she wiped the same plate several times over before putting it away. Jeanie felt nauseous and hearing the kitchen door open Jeanie nearly threw up.

“Morning my darling I’ve brought the left over from the shoot yesterday thought you might need them…What’s wrong my dear you look white as a sheet, “Jeanie looked at George and then back at the door, “..Hello Jeanie…” James stood in full uniform with a box under his arm.

“I’ll be off then give my love to the little un…nice to see you lad,” George shook James hand at the back door and as it slammed shut Jeanie jumped.

“Jeanie is Jayne here…” The noise grew louder and Jeanie just starred not knowing what to do. Snapping back into reality Jeanie ran into the box room. James stood at the back door just as nervous.

“I tried to tell you I tried to write several times I didn’t know what to do...” James placed his cap on the counter as Jeanie juggled the little girl. “Jeanie who’s is the baby….” Jeanie clenched hold tightly of the baby girl who was dressed all in white, her little rosy cheeks red as she cried, “James this is Elizabeth Watson…she’s your daughter…” James staggered to the back door, “My daughter I have a daughter”

“The night before you left…I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after James I tried….I didn’t know how to…” James hesitantly stepped forward, “Can I hold her. I mean will she let me.” Jeanie nodded wiping the tears away on her sleeve.

“Hello Elizabeth…Jeanie she’s beautiful...” Jeanie looked at the pair together, she looked so much like him and as she tried to regain composure James sat at the table, “Jeanie why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I received a telegram saying there was a possibility that you where dead.” Elizabeth sat and gurgled happily on James’s knee

“You left her for me…you left everything that was safe to find me. Jeanie look at me please I don’t want to fight I just want you to tell me…tell me its ok for me to stay.” Looking at James’s sincerity again made her feel guilty, “I came to find you because I couldn’t give up. I had to believe that there was a happily ever after if not for me for Elizabeth. I couldn’t think about her because she broke my heart and every time I look at her I see you.”

“There’s more to this tale then what you’re telling me isn’t there.” James clung onto the infant feeling like his soul had been handed back to him.

“I know you read my journal and I experienced some very dark days over there but I never stopped loving you. I stopped understanding who I was. I mean what kind of mother leaves their child…the guilt I feel the unquestionable amount of guilt I feel includes looking for you and my motives. I know you’re going to ask about John and yes I do have feelings for him I can’t help that.

   I just feel there’s something still hiding out there waiting for me and… and I feel like I am too broken…I’m too broken to be able to be loved by anyone not even Elizabeth. ” Tears rolled down James’s face, clinging to Elizabeth he stood and walked to Jeanie

“I want to love you forever Jeanie and I don’t care if you feel broken I want to love you enough to take away the pain. Your actions everything you did to find me speaks volumes about the type of person you are. You’ve been through so much already that I wouldn’t expect you to forget about it. But we have a baby, we could have a good life and if you just let me love you we could see if we can work this out together I’ve not come this far to loose you…..I can’t.” Jeanie took hold of Elizabeth and cradled her in her arms, his tears washed over her.

“I feel like I’ve let you and Elizabeth down.” James run his fingers through her hair and kissed her forehead.

“Don’t ever say that you have done more for me and Elizabeth than what you could know. I’m standing here with you now free and my daughter has a father. I have never been as proud of you as I am today.”

“I feel like poison James, I feel like my whole life has been cursed and you and John are caught up in the nightmare it’s become.”

“Jeanie you are my world and by leaving you you’re asking me to leave everything I love and hold dear to me. I hear because I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. You deserve happiness Jeanie and I’m asking for you to let me provide it. John loves you. I have had to come to terms with that. But if you’re asking what sets us apart. He could never love you the way I love you. He could never want you the way I want you and he could never loose himself completely in you the way I’m lost with you.”

   James and Jeanie sat on the kitchen floor watching Elizabeth play with James tie, Jeanie leant into his shoulder, lifting her head she kissed him softly. “I forgot to say Welcome home...” James kissed her back.

“Welcome home Jeanie…”

Chapter 34

Jeanie tossed and turned in her sleep, opening her eyes it was 2.00am again and after blinking several times she froze as a pair of eyes leered at her through the window. She could feel them burning into her skin, and as she grabbed James’s arm she shook it hard. “James…James there’s someone at the window.”

“Jeanie we’ve been through this before.” getting out of bed, he put on his shirt and strolled around to the window.

“Jea….there’s nothing there I promise you...”

“When you got up they moved…I know someone was there...” “Jea please this is scaring me now. I mean maybe we should see a doctor…” Jeanie got out of bed and put on her dressing gown horrified at his insinuation. “You think I’m loosing the plot don’t you they moved around the side of the house James please just listen to me.” James gritted his teeth as for over a month Jeanie had been walking him up at 2.00am and every morning she had said the same thing. She had convinced him on a number of occasions to walk around the house to check.

“Jeanie I really think you need help there is no one there.” Loosing her temper she wanted to scream instead she slammed the door and walked into the kitchen, pacing the floor James followed.

“Jeanie I don’t understand what you’re going through and I’m concerned. Please let me help you…”

“You think I’m loosing my mind. I know what I saw and there is someone trying to get into my head James. There is someone playing with me. Kowalski said it wasn’t over with.”

“Jeanie he’s dead you killed him. Baby please who else could it be.” She sat in the middle of the kitchen floor with her head in her hands.

“You don’t believe me.” Wrapping his arms around her James sighed heavily. “Help me understand…”

“It’s been every week for a month and the same thing happens. I don’t know I here a sound a voice and when I wake I feel someone starring at me….then I look at the window and they are its strange. I don’t want to scream I just want to know why? Why this is happening? I feel exhausted with it all.” James felt her tremble in his arms, whatever was happening had hold of her and was relentless to not let go. Making her a warm drink Elizabeth started to cry, “I’ll go you drink that. I love you.”

   Jeanie smiled cautiously; she felt there was something out there, waiting in the dark to make its move and as she sat drinking in the dark kitchen she played out Kowalski’s death over and over again.

“Why partridge…I don’t understand.” Juggling Elizabeth James stood in amazement, every puzzle needed to have a fix that was just Jeanie. Except this one was playing havoc with her sanity, Jeanie stood at the nursery door as James put Elizabeth back down to sleep.

“I think she was cold I’ve wrapped her up...” placing her hand on his chest Jeanie played with the button as if she had something to say.

“Back to bed before we freeze…come on.” Taking her hand they slid between the sheets.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Jeanie took hold of the button again and started to rub it between her fingers, “Jea tell me. Talk to me I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.” Jeanie still playing with his button looked directly at him. “That’s the thing James no one can whatever is going on with me I need to sort…”

   Watching the sun break over the horizon was nothing new for Jeanie, as dawn hit she was out of bed dressed and ready to start another day. She had already started back at the factory and Elizabeth was never too far behind. “I’m sorry it so early and you’ve got to see the hospital today remember. Elizabeth is with me she isn’t awake yet. I’ve got all her things and I can pick you up on my way back if you like...” James squinted at the alarm clock, “Ok come here…” kissing her goodbye Jeanie tried to find a reassuring smile.

   Looking out of her office window, the clouds had started to gather for another winter and Jeanie could not help but think about Kowalski.

“Maybe it’s all in my head,” Iris threw her coat and heels on the chair interrupting Jeanie’s moment.

“What’s in your head...?”

“What are you doing here?” Iris raised her legs onto the couch.

“Looking like I’ve been to work. You look pale maybe you should have that checked out. Anyway you’re supposed to be coming over tonight for teas remember Mum’s orders you know she’s just checking up on you.”

“You mean the business don’t you!” Checking on Elizabeth Jeanie picked up her cup from the table and sat beside her sister, the smell of her strong perfume and glow of cigarettes made Jeanie smile.

“Remember when you stood on Me.” smiling coyly Iris took hold of Jeanie’s cup, “Yep that was a night out I really don’t want to forget anyway you where talking to yourself again. You know you remind me of dad when you do that. So go on why is it all in your head?” leaning back into the chair Jeanie tried to find a diplomatic response.

“I’m seeing things well I don’t know that I am cause I can feel it too.” Iris looked puzzled. “Well go on there’s no point telling a half a story. That’s what you used to tell me…” Moving her legs Jeanie wriggled uncomfortably as if being question by the police.

“For the past four weeks every morning at 2.00am not everyday….just one day a week. I wake up and see someone looking at me through the window. It feels real and I can see the stare but I’m not afraid I just want to know why they are doing it. James thinks I need a trip to the doctor and I can understand why. My brain just doesn’t seem wired that way...” Placing the cup on the floor Iris sat up looking Jeanie directly in the eye.

“You see I know when you lie everybody does and you believe every word your saying is true therefore my darling if you feel like your missing something do what you always do…” Jumping up Iris got her coat and made her way to the door, pausing for thought Jeanie looked blankly at her, “Oh come on stupid its obvious…find out how it works and fix it…” Smiling Iris waltzed out of the door and down to the locker room, Jeanie watched how she had no cares or worries in the world.

“Maybe she’s right Lizi maybe mummy should go out and see if it’s real……” The infant squirmed in her sleep as Jeanie spoke and looking back out the window she noticed her 12’Oclock had just arrived.

“Maybe Auntie Iris is right.”

   The factory had seemed slow compared to how Jeanie remembered it last she knew now the war was over the plant had to return to its small contractual duties, but knowing it wouldn’t survive without changing its direction was going to be a difficult conversation with her Mum. They had already broached take over once and the only person who pushed for it was Ivy. Jeanie knew Ivy wasn’t in favour of the plant when her dad had first bought it but Jeanie had a plan and selling the business was never going to part of that plan and attempts had been made whilst she had been indisposed. The only thing was nothing could happen without her say so and her say so at that point was in Burma.

   As Jeanie arrived at the hospital James was already outside waiting for her, “You know we are at my mums for tea tonight don’t you” James took off his hat and cooed at Elizabeth in the back seat of the car.

“Yes you told me last week. How’s your day been, “Jeanie wrinkled her nose and smiled back not having to explain.

   As dinner finished Jeanie started with her speech, pouring out her idea’s over the family Jeanie expected the usually decent into chaos.

“If I get this contract Mum….it means at least we will be set up for the next five years and it’s up to us to show them we can do it. Dad’s not here anymore and we need to do this for all of our families. So what do you think…?” The silence held at the dinner table, Jeanie looked around the room until eventually Irene stood and grinned like a Cheshire cat. “Jeanie girls….I think she’s done us proud and I know for a fact her father would be immensely proud of her and if you think we can do it we are right behind you...” Jeanie sat back in her chair and took a huge sigh of relief; James kissed her forehead seeing that at least one weight had been taken off her shoulders.

   Helping with the dinner plates Jeanie took them into the kitchen, seeing Ivy at the back door she rested her hand on her shoulders.

“You look miles away…” throwing the butt of her cigarette Ivy took hold of her hand. “Sometimes I wish I was its nice to have you back you know…”

“I can’t thank you enough for looking after Lizi you did a good job….” Letting go Ivy seemed distant.

“I’m sorry….I should have told you everything before and I didn’t mean to hurt you….” Jeanie stood at the side and nudged her sister’s shoulder. “It’s all done now anyway big sis how long is it since…” Jeanie pushed Ivy’s shoulder. “Oh really that’s not fair...”  The pair started to roll around the kitchen like teenagers and as the noise progressively increased Irene and James entered the kitchen.

“What the….You two stop it you’re going to hurt someone…” the laughter of the pair echoed around the kitchen, Jeanie stood up and brushed down her trousers. “Decorum Ivy come on…” Jeanie giggled as Ivy nudged her shoulder again, “Yes of course Jea of course...”

As the pair squashed each other in the door, Irene let the giddiness continue as it was nice to see her daughters smile, never mind play and be silly.

   Jeanie smiled all the way home, James revelled in her happiness it was nice to see Jeanie smile.

“I’ll get Elizabeth sorted won’t be long…” Jeanie started to sing to sooth the infant to sleep and as the gurgles turned to yawns Jeanie put her daughter down for the evening. “Night Night angel sweet dreams…”  

   Making her way to the living room Jeanie could here the music, resting her head against the door she watched James run around trying to light the candles.

“Just a quick question what are you doing?” James unaware of her appearance blew out the last match.

“What does it look like?” Jeanie sloped in and stood at the back of the settee, “It looks like you might be trying to seduce me.”

James bit his lip holding out his hand. “You know I don’t think we’ve ever danced properly have we.” Taking his hand he held her against his chest and as they swayed in time with the music Jeanie played with the button on his shirt.

“Ella Fitzgerald this song always used to make me stop and listen…..” James rested his head on hers. “I didn’t think you would know her”

“You know me still full of surprises.” Twisting her around Jeanie twirled in his arms.

“I have my own surprise for you here. I was discharged in London, and as I walked to the train station I thought of you I hope you like it.”

   The Harrods box sparkled in the candle light; Jeanie placed it in front of the now roaring fire and carefully undid the twine. Inside the cream satin slip twinkled and the crystal broach under the bust dazzled in the fire light. “It’s beautiful James you shouldn’t have. But it’s beautiful.” Sitting at the side of her he rubbed her shoulder.

“Why don’t you try it on?” Kissing him on the cheek Jeanie raced to the bathroom, she’d never seen anything so luxurious. Slipping it over her skin Jeanie saw every scar in the mirror and as she ran her fingers over the bullet holes she forgot to revel in how beautiful she looked.

   Standing at the sink she closed her eyes as the overwhelming feeling she was being watched came over her again. Wanting to look at the glass and see the eyes burning in towards her Jeanie stepped out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She almost felt teary at ignoring the stare.

   Checking Elizabeth’s window and closing the curtains she rested her hand on her chest. She was warm snug and fast asleep.

   Catching a glimpse of herself in the gown, all Jeanie felt where the scars ripping her body apart. Wrapping her arm around her self consciously Jeanie entered the living room.

“Jea you ok?” Jeanie went and sat in front of the fireplace, holding a large cushion in front of her James felt concerned.

“Have I done something wrong,” Jeanie shook her head furiously and placed her hand on his cheek. “No…No James it’s beautiful and it fits perfectly thank you. But my scars you see everything…and...” James took away the pillow and ran his fingers over her collarbone.

“I created them without them you wouldn’t be here and I don’t care. You’re the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on” Kissing the mark on her collar bone Jeanie dropped her head.

“You know what I missed the most about you whilst I was away I missed everything. Talking to you, arguing with you missing your laughter and tonight you smiled….but smiled from the inside for the first time in I can’t remember and that little spark that makes up you appeared again” Jeanie took hold of his hand wrapping her fingers in his grasp.

“You’re everything I live for and that spark you have that infectious, incomprehensible spark makes up every reason why I married you.”

“I don’t know why I get like this.” The dress showed every exit wound and every scar and as James stroked each silvery line he felt close to her for the first time since he had arrived home.

“When I first got to Burma it was like hell in fact it was worse than that, receiving your letters every month give me hope. And when I went to bed at night I used to read your words again and again and imagine you saying them. The the letters dried up and I didn’t know what was going on but I thought I’d lost you. I thought you’d forgot that I loved you and I felt alone and afraid for the first time in years. Not being able to talk to you…to tell you that I loved you was harder still I’d never felt like that before even with Catherine? With Catherine I could be away for weeks or months at a time and I didn’t care with you not hearing from you not having that solace not being able to escape made me feel like I didn’t want to come home. Resting her head Jeanie closed her eyes.