In any ordinary life (In any oridnary Book 1) (23 page)

   Stroking the scar on her shoulder he watched the peaceful tranquillity of her slumber. It made him almost feel invincible, he had repaired her body and she had repaired his mind. Feeling every breath he couldn’t help but feel complete.

Chapter 21

The sun streamed through the window making shadows of them on the wall and as he lay stroking her neck he thought last night was a dream.

“If you want me to keep falling for you I suggest you get the fire started, its bloody freezing in here.”

   James jumped out of bed and grimaced with the cold as he looked out of the window snow had fallen overnight. Jeanie had wrapped herself tight within the blanket pausing in wonder why he was taking so long. “Jea do you fancy a snowball fight.”

“It’s snowed really.” Frantically trying to find clothes and boots the pair looked like children fighting over presents at Christmas. The thought of snow made them return to adolescence.

   Between the snowball fights and snowmen, Jeanie collapsed in a heap on the floor, “I forgot how much fun this was James.” As he dropped at the side of her he was worn out by the all the fun.

“I’m here what’s up?”

“Are you cold?”

“No but your shivering come on...” Lifting her up with a jolt the pair raced back into the house the same way they had raced out.

   Standing in the bedroom James lit the fire. Jeanie fought with soggy snow soaked clothes stood in front of him and wrestled desperately with them to be free.

“I see the nighty’s back.” Jeanie shivered her lips were blue and her hair damp from snowballs. Pulling her into his smooth skin he could feel the cold penetrating her body. “Jeanie this nighty is wet through its going to have to come off.”

   Closing her eye’s James undressed hair and with her eyes still closed she tried to hide her body. The lines and scars ran like a map from one side to the other and Jeanie had never felt this self conscious with James. “Jea its ok you can open your eyes please don’t feel bad.” Jeanie opened one eye as he wrapped a blanket around both of them.

“I know you’ve seen me a thousand times it’s just different now. I’m different now and I don’t look the same and it scares me. It scares me to think you won’t find me attractive anymore.” Feeling her body on his skin he couldn’t help think she was further from the truth. This break had been about finding each other again and as much as he wanted to keep sex out of the question being with her just made him want her more.

“How could I not be attracted to you I love you. From the moment you put on that see through night dress to standing in front of me in the most hideous flowered dress I’ve ever seen your one of the most intelligent, captivating, women I have ever met and I love you desperately for it.” Jeanie stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you maybe I just needed reassurance.” As the fire roared James pulled the blanket off the bed,” Sit down here I need to keep you warm.” Jeanie shuffled to the fire place, curling up she lay in front of the hearth.

   The warmth of the fire pierced the blanket and sank into her skin. James lay next to her worried she had done too much too soon. As the heat raised the folds of blanket opened up to display the soft curve of her breast, turning to face the fire her exposed shoulder sparkled in front of the flames

“Surprising that just looking into the fire makes you feel warmer,” kissing her shoulder he folded himself around her and as she moved the blanket fell further. Her outstretched arm caressed the pillow he knew he was completely under her spell.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to say something.” Jeanie bit her lip expectantly waiting for his answer. He couldn’t put the words together as everything about her excited him. James smiled painfully as he was fighting a loosing battle to keep control. His body wanted her desperately and the electric shivers kept pulsating through every muscle. She lay glowing under the heat of the fire in pure radiance and his body was betraying him at every course.

“James I really want you to do something but I’m scared I’m scared because of what’s happened between us that you might not want to.” James stroked her back and neck line trying to keep himself composed. “Anything I would do anything for you.”

“Touch me” her viscid whispers tore apart his restraint. Teasing the blanket the curve of her hip became exposed in the firelight and the warmth of his skin penetrated every curve of her body.

“Jea I want this I really do. I’m just not sure if you’re not ready yet.”

   His soft hands still stroked the silver lines of her scars with every touch wanting more.

“I just want to close my eyes and feel you again. Instead of my dreams being haunted by monsters I just want to feel how you love me cause in all this I forgot. I forgot how it felt to be happy after being such a disappointment.” James’s finger stoked the line of her collar bone pulling the blanket around her he turned her towards him

“I thought I lost you and not because of Signthorpe. I pushed you back to John that was all my doing. We’ve both made mistakes, but my mistake was letting you go the first time and I not willing to loose you again. You’re my wife for better of worse. I love you Jeanie….and touching you only makes me want you more. ” James played with the blanket and seeing him upset Jeanie lifted his head clasping her hands as he kissed both palms. “You’ve never been a disappointment you need to know that and believe it.”

As he held her she felt his tears roll down her skin and as she held him tight she couldn’t distinguish where she ended and he began.

  As she leant back he kissed her passionately, her soft lips teased him into her more and as he lay her down in front of the fire the intensity built with every movement.

   The touch of her hands down his spine sent shock waves through every muscle and as he caught his breath he lowered himself into her. Both could feel each other’s heart pound and as Jeanie laid her hand on his chest, James couldn’t help but do the same. Holding her in his arms, he trembled at the ecstasy of being united with her. Every sensation penetrated a new place where she had never been. Nothing had ever felt like her and nothing had felt as close. As she cried out into the dark he couldn’t help but follow no words where needed and his plan had worked, the only difference being he’d fallen deeper.

   Jeanie stood at the bathroom mirror and looked at her scars. Closing her eyes she breathed deep she had never wanted to be so loved and the door opened James stood in front of her

“Are you ok I was worried it…” He looked at floor as if the sentence was stuck. “Stop everything is ok I promise.” Standing at the window he watched as the sun faded over the wood.

“I haven’t got long left when I go back that’s my time up. France was bad enough the first time. I don’t think I told you how I got the scar on my back but France was bad enough,”

“What happened its ok if you don’t want to tell me…” without him saying a word she felt his pain. “? James look at me, “ as he stood tall Jeanie wiped away his tears, “I love you and no amount of distance will ever take away these last four days I want you to promise you will come back to me. I want you to promise that no matter what you will come home to me.”

“I’m going to find it hard to walk away from you…”

   That night the book was left on the table. Sitting together Jeanie couldn’t help but wrap her body around him and his around hers and as he stroked her face no words could describe how much love he had inside for her.

   Four days James had to make Jeanie fall in love with him, every breath she took he exhaled, every tear she shed he would feel. This plan was for her, not realising the effect it would have on him.

   No words had been spoken as they arrived at the base, Jeanie knew this would be the last time they would meet until his return and gulping at every breath she held him tight.

“Come home to me I love you too much now to let you go.” James held onto her firm but he knew his time was up.

“Jea I thought I knew it all but I knew nothing till I met you. I will never stop loving you your every breath I take I love you so much…”

   As the gates opened James grabbed his bag. Jeanie wiped away both of their tears and watching him disappear into the distance the thought of never seeing him again made her sick.

   Closing her eye’s she could still feel him, his heart beat, his warmth and his hands, getting back into the car she clenched her fists. How much more could this war take away from her.

Chapter 22

Dear Jeanie,                                                                                          20/11/1943

I’ve arrived. I sat and thought for ours how to start this letter, what to say and how to put my feelings into pages of words, but I could only think of wishes. I wish we had more time together; I wish I was at home with you reading to me by the fire, I wish I could take you to our bed and make love to you. Then it hits me and I’m back from fantasy.

   Reality is there is no time to settle, we are constantly on the move and everywhere is covered in undergrowth. The trees touch the sky and I wish I could tell you it was beautiful and green but I can’t and again I’m straight back to wishing.

   Maybe I should tell you that the rain hasn’t stopped for over a fortnight and the weight of the water bears down heavy on you. There are some good men here, I can’t remember if I told you I had served before? 

   The lack of sleep sometimes feels like torture but when I do dream I dream of you. I always imagine you in your father’s workshop with your old dungarees and big jumper just sitting and talking for hours. I look in amazement as you throw together a bit of wood for a chair and how you mould the most beautiful things with your hands.

   I don’t think I have ever told you how proud you make me feel to be your husband you’re so talented. Thinking about your hands makes me smile. I think about how you stroke them through my hair when you’re reading and I could watch you work all day long. I suppose I need to confess that I love your hands in the same way.

   Thinking of you makes me miss home, I often dream of the cottage and our days there its odd because I think of it of home and we have spent so little time there. I think of our first night and that old white night dress. As I am confessing I should tell you it has given me more pleasure than you would care to know.

   Recently my dreams haven’t been so comforting. Last nights dream was different I dreamt that you where stood waiting for me at the door but when I looked again you where waving goodbye and crying. It’s only at that point I wake up. It scares me to think I may never see you again.

   Waking up here gets harder day by day and it’s hard to think about the future not knowing what’s going to happen is exhausting. That’s when I think about you, about us and all the stages we’ve yet to experience. I don’t want to upset you and I know we’ve already lost one, but I would love to have children. I could have a son who would follow in my footsteps and be a doctor. He might follow his mum into engineering, that’s if we have a son. We could have a daughter.

   I know it seems presumptuous but I love the thought of spending my years getting to know you. You’re the first and last thing I think about and the only thing that’s getting me through. The comfort of knowing that I have a future with you makes me feel at peace. I love you Jeanie, more than I could ever show you.

Forever Yours James

Dear James,                                                                                               03/01/1944

I too have been dreaming about our future and as a result I have started packing a few boxes to move out to the cottage. I can’t tell you how excited I am I just wish you where here to share it with me. Mum came with me yesterday and I couldn’t wait to show her and for the first time she was speechless. She loves the cottage. I didn’t think her approval would make it more real but it did.

   I’m eating more I don’t know why I need to tell you it just feels like it’s something you would like to know. Mum said she can’t fill me and she thinks I’ve put some weight on which is good.

   I have also been talking to your dad more and we are planning a visit to Somerset when you get back. I would love to see where you grew up. It’s been lovely having all of them around me in our home, I even going to admit to singing in the bathroom, badly I have to say but that’s all because of you.

   I know I’m babbling inconsistently but I feel like there’s so much to tell you.

Is it wrong that I miss work? I have this overwhelming urge to pick up tools and potter around with our neighbour’s motorcycle. I can hear George insistently tinkering and it is starting to drive me insane, I think I have finally lost the plot.

    I dream about the workshop. The fondness I feel for Mike and the others floods through my dreams and I just have the need to go back. I also miss Eric I haven’t seen him in such a long time surprisingly I miss his constant bellowing and making young woman cry maybe it is a sign I’m getting better.

   I decided after all this contemplation that I need a project and I have started cleaning out the box room at the back of the kitchen. The window looks across the vegetable patch and the sun hits it beautifully in the evening. It’s a very peaceful room. Maybe even a nursery someday?

   Changing the subject I can almost hear you telling me I should be relaxing and taking it easy but I am so board. I have invited Ivy and Jayne to stay with me. More people and noise keeps me occupied.

  You need to see how big Jayne has got, she’s so beautiful and the spitting image of her mother. The house just feels so alive with them here but I still wish you where here beside me.

   I sat and read Jayne Eyre again last night reading it reminded me of you. It reminded me how I stroked your hair in front of the fire place and tried to put on a man’s voice to play Edward Rochester. Jayne’s character always intrigued me, with everything she went though she played her role so well always together and assured, it’s only love that make’s her courageous. Maybe that’s what you have done for me?

   I shouldn’t keep telling you how much I miss you and how I have read you letter again and again imagining you here with me. I will always be here waiting for you please be safe and come home to me. I have so much I want to tell you...

   Please don’t give up I need you to come home so we can be a family. I don’t know what I do if I lost you now.

Keep your chin up and remember I love you.

Yours always Jeanie

Jea                                                                                                                              24/02/1944

It feels a lifetime ago since I heard your voice and every time I receive any correspondence from you it makes my heart skip a beat. I just want you to know I’m ok I can’t say I’m on top form but ok rounds things up.

   The smell of your letter reminds me of your hair and the soft scent of lavender brings me back home to you. I have to say I don’t mind your letters babbling, it makes me feel excited about our future.

   I’m glad your mum approves, my only wish is that one day I can share all these moments with you. 

   I can’t believe how well Dad has taken to you? He’s usually the most difficult man to fathom out. I am going to admit that they did have reservations about me marrying you but I know my mum adores you now. She tells me in her letters how strong, kind and brave you are and that you could teach me a thing or too about family values. As much as I hate to admit I’m wrong I know she’s right.

   I have never met anyone who makes me feel at ease the way you do. You know me so well and don’t mind my indiscretions and correct my selfishness without me realising. Lets face it I have said before I wouldn’t be the doctor I am today if it wasn’t for you. 

   Don’t feel bad about work as you have gone from being out and about for twelve hours a day to being at home and resting. Emphasis on rest! I can imagine the cottage is driving you crazy and even though you know I would like you to relax I know you. If it makes you feel better pick up a spanner and help George out just remember to take it easy afterwards.

   The box room project sounds interesting. Just don’t do too much however a nursery sounds like a wonderful idea but that’s something we will work on when I’m home.

   I can never get tired of reading how much you miss me, or how much your thinking about me it makes me feel secure. I often think about how things would have been if I had told you I loved you before your father’s funeral, as much as you are mine now the pain of what you have suffered would have never have happened if I had been courageous enough to stay. The guilt tears at me and I know these are just what ifs but I still feel the pain of nearly loosing you and our son.

   Don’t think ill of me but I often think about our reunion too. Being here has made me realise how special you are and it’s made me realise how important your touch and love is and how you make me a better man. Your strength and independence make me understand that if anything did happen to me you would survive.

   Jayne Eyre has nothing on. She could never have survived what you’ve been through, and your strength is amazing. It’s one of the qualities I fell deeply in love with. And writing this letter I know you will disagree with me, but your humility is something I could never match. I love you Jeanie and I always will.

You’re my star, my light and my guide.                  

Yours Forever James x             

James                                                                                                                              15/03/1944

I’m wondering where you are as it feels like you have been away for a lifetime and the nights are so lonely without you. I wish this war would end for you to come home. Everything I hear on the wireless makes me numb and just thinking of you surrounded by chaos is too much to bear.

   The factory has been overrun with army personnel and mum has been loosing her mind coping with the extra pressure. I’ve started back at the factory, I didn’t know whether to tell you but she needed help. I feel more isolated here. At least while I was at the cottage you were with me.

   I’m glad I’m occupied though and things have been in such a mess. If I had stayed away any longer Dad would have killed me!

   I remember everything about the first night we spent together everything drifts back so clearly. The tentative look, the way you took my hand, the feel of your hands across my back. Parts of it just don’t seem real. I jumped in with two feet not even knowing you. I’m glad I did. Looking back now I feel now everything has to happen for a reason. Maybe you’re my reason.

   I wasn’t living before I met you, I existed and meeting you again made my heart skip a beat. I didn’t want to admit it Doctor but you where the first and last chance I took. Everything before wasn’t life and I was just kidding myself to make me feel better.

   I’m sat on the roof of the tree house writing you this letter. There are millions of stars, and for the past half an hour I have stared up and started talking to one of them. Maybe I’m loosing my mind but it makes me feel like you can hear me, after all it’s the same sky.

   I feel like your closer to me and while you read this if you look up at those stars and do the same they could act as our own personal messengers. A romantic gesture but it’s so hard. I hate not being able to see or talk to you and it’s starting to hurt to miss you this much. On a different not my mother would kill me if she finds me here she keeps going on about my condition. I’m sure she thinks you have only put a plug in these holes as she is treating me like a leaky tap ready to explode

   Changing to subject John came over to the house yesterday, I don’t think he knew I was there but I heard raised voices and when I walked into the hall, Ivy and John where deep in argument. The last thing I heard was, “Don’t you think you should have told me sooner, this is not about you it’s about Jeanie.” It seemed such an odd comment Ivy was in tears and when I confronted her she quickly dried her face and left. It just seemed strange.

   I know why you took me to the cottage, and I know some of it was because of John. I’m not stupid you needed me to be totally head over heels for you before you disappeared for good. See there was one problem with your plan. I already was. John’s part of a past that I’m going to be unable to forget. But he will never be a part of our future, and as I still stare at these stars, I’ll count the days till you return.

You’re my friend, my love and my life. I love you. Forever yours

Jeanie xx