I'm Yours (Bold As Love) (12 page)

Tears pour out of my eyes and together, Emily and I sob over our lost baby. I feel the arms of my dad and Mike surround us. After twenty minutes, my tears come to a stop with the realization that I need to be strong for Emily. “Can you give us a minute,” I ask. After a slight hesitation, they agree and walk out. I lay with Emily and kiss her head. “We’ll get through this, Sweetness.”

“
There has to be a mistake, Jake. Our baby can’t be gone!”

My heart breaks into a billion pieces. “There’s no mistake. I’m so sorry, Emily.” The sobs return full force and I feel so helpless.

“
I’m sorry, Jake. I’m so, so sorry, Jake.” She repeats it over and over.

“
There’s nothing to be sorry for Sweetness.” She shakes her head. The doctor walks in and informs us that Emily can leave. I walk over to the bag her father brought and hand her a change of clothes.

“
I’ll wait outside,” I tell her and she doesn’t even look at me. I follow the doctor out and close the door behind me. Minutes later, she comes out. She doesn’t make eye contact with anyone and my heart falls. Images of when I first met Emily flash before me. She can’t withdraw into herself. Not now. Not when I need her most. We just lost our baby. I was just as hurt. I needed Emily.

I placed my hand on her lower back. “Do you want me to drive you home?”

She shakes her head. “Just go home, Jake.” What?

“
You don’t want me to come with you?” She shakes her head and walks off to where her father is standing. I just stand there; lost and confused. Mike and Emily head out to the parking lot. Dad walks over to me, pats my shoulder, and says, “Let’s go home son.”

I blankly followed him out. I climbed into his car and the next thing I knew, I was home. I climbed up the stairs, ignoring Drake who has been oblivious to Emily’s pregnancy, and fall into my bed on my stomach. I bury my face in my pillow and let out all my tears.

My baby is gone. Emily doesn’t want me around and there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. An hour later, I hear my door open. I don’t look, but I wipe my eyes. “Jake,” Drake’s cautious voice asks.

“
What do you want,” I ask harshly.

“
Is everything okay?”

“
No.”

“
What’s wrong,” he asks.

I sigh and roll over. I sit up and pat the space beside me. “Emily was pregnant. She lost the baby, Drake. That’s what is wrong.”

He sits there is stony silence before he looks up at me with watery eyes. “I’m sorry Jake.” His arms snake around me in a bear hug.

I return the hug but hold in my tears. “We’ll be okay buddy. We have to be okay.”

“
Can I go see Emily?”

I take a swallow. “I’m not sure she wants company, but we’ll ride over and see. Go get ready.” He gets up and goes to his room to put on his shoes. I stand and slip on my own shoes. I grab my keys off my nightstand and we head over to Emily’s.

Emily

I walked straight to my bedroom and closed my door. I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed over my covers. I lay in fetal position and stare at the wall, feeling numb. Tears fall from the creases of my eyes. I don’t know how long I laid there, but I faintly hear a knock on my door. I don’t answer and a few seconds later, I see Jake crouching in front of me.

“
Drake wanted to see you. Are you okay with that?”’

I shrugged my shoulder. Next, I sit up and Jake takes a seat on my left. He kisses my temple and I just wish he would leave. This is all my fault. Drake comes in and climbs onto my bed. He gives me a hug that squeezes all the air out of my lungs. I return with a halfhearted hug. Drake is talking but I don’t know what he’s saying. I’m too numb to listen or to feel anything other than grief and anger at myself for causing the death of my baby.

It takes me a moment to realize that Drake has left and I’m alone with Jake. He tries to wrap me in his embrace, but I push him away. I killed our baby. Can’t he see that? It was because I drank the night before we found out that I lost the baby. That has to be the reason why. I was just like my mother. I can’t allow him to comfort me when it’s all my fault.

“
Just go home, Jake.” I don’t look at him as he starts to protest. I just point to the door. “Close it on your way out.” Reluctantly, he stands and walks out. I lay back down and stare at the wall once more. This is all my fault. No one should even be around me. I was careless and caused the loss of my baby. I should have paid more attention to being late. But I didn’t. I partied and drank lots of alcohol. Now, my baby is dead.

It hurts so much. I feel like my heart is being beaten with a baseball bat. Over and over again until I can’t feel anything but numbness. I fall asleep crying over my baby.

My stomach growls me awake. It’s three in the morning. I get up and open my door. I walk towards the kitchen but catch a glimpse of something on the couch. I walk into the living room and stand behind the couch, where Jake is sleeping. I shake my head. I told him to go home. I quietly sigh and go into the kitchen. I open the fridge, take out a package of ham and two slices of cheese.

“
Emily?” I turn around to see a sleepy, half naked Jake. I ignore him and walk over to get the bread from the bread box. I start to fix my sandwich and tense when his arms wrap around me. He kisses my neck. “Don’t do this to me, Sweetness.”

“
I’m not doing anything.”

“
You’re closing off. You’re blaming yourself, aren’t you?”

“
Well, it is my fault,” I confess quietly. I relish in the feeling of his bare chest against me.

“
How is it your fault?” he asks.

“
The alcohol. I drank the night before we found out. That has to be the reason why…why we lost the baby.” I gulp to avoid bursting out in tears.

He pulls me tighter against him. “It could have happened anyway, Sweetness. You can’t blame yourself. You can’t hold everything in either. Not from me. I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting too, Sweetness and I need to be able to come to you. Just like you should be able to come to me.”

His words crash into me and I can’t believe how self-absorbed I’ve been. I turn around and wrap my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry. I’ve been too busy blaming myself and thinking about my hurt that I didn’t think of how you must be feeling.”

“
It’s okay.” We stand in a silent embrace for a bit before my stomach reminds me that I came in here for food. I chuckle and Jake releases me. I finish fixing my sandwich and Jake grabs me a water from the fridge. I lean against the counter and eat my meal. Jake leans against the door frame and watches me. Once I finish, I chug some water down and I’m about to head to my room when Jake catches me by the arm and asks, “Can I come? Please?” I nod.

He follows me into my bedroom and spoons me once we climb in bed. I absorb the heat radiating from his body. Jake holds me tight and soon my breathing is even and sound. Jake buries his face in my back. I believe he thinks I’m asleep because soon drops of wetness fall on my back. It pains me to think that he can’t share his pain with me. I give myself a mental shake at the thought of how I did that to him.

I turn around in his arms, surprising him, and cradle him in my arms. I cry with him. I don’t say anything. What am I supposed to say? I just hold him tight and let him know that I’m there for him, like I know he’s there for me. One thing that I feel like I need to say flies right from my mouth. “We’ll find a way to get through this Jake. Together.”

He looks up at me. “I love you so much.”

My heart breaks at his quivering voice. “I love you too.” He crushes his lips against mine and kisses me with so much passion, love, and grief. After the kiss, he holds me in his arms and we both fall asleep.

Some way, some how, we were going to survive this. Yes, it will be hard, but as long as we were with each other and open with each other, we could get through this. Jake was my world. He was my rock. I needed him as much as he needed me. Our future was now ours for the taking and we were going to make damn sure we took advantage of it and appreciate what was taken for granted.

I knew that I would have a new appreciation for Jake and life. Even when a gift hasn’t arrived yet, doesn’t mean it can’t be taken away. Our baby will always be thought of and will be missed. Now, we have to do everything in our power to do right by our lost baby.