Illumine Her (38 page)

“Mama, I’ve been back for a week. It’s time for me to return to work.”

“This is not work, Alana. You’re not even getting paid,” she argued impatiently. “I haven’t seen you for months, and you’re already leaving me again!”

Alana chuckled. “Mama, I’ll only be away for ten days, and besides it’s not like I’m leaving the country. I’m only going to Manono and Apolima.”

Her mother frowned. “Those islands may as well be another country. They’re too far from home.”

Alana approached her with a smile. “I told Manu that I was committed to this project. I want to help him.”

While she was in Uganda, Manu emailed her about a doctors’ mission to visit the islands’ residents during the school holiday period. Smaller and isolated from the two main islands and towns, the isles lacked medical resources and facilities. Since travel to and from the National Hospital was a challenge, the initiative would see that medical supplies and basic care be taken to the people there. There were a couple spots for nurses to travel with the team, and Alana emailed Manu immediately to get on board. Since he was heading it, he was the busiest and most organized Alana had ever found him—ordering and collecting supplies from aid agencies and assigning tasks to everyone. She was proud of him; young and still a relatively fresh face, the hospital board trusted him with a major assignment. She decided that she would do everything she could to help him out and ensure things ran smoothly.

“I just miss you,
anak
.” Her mother sighed, wrapping Alana in a hug and pecking her on the cheek. “But I’m also incredibly proud of you,” she added, smiling. A horn blared from outside making the dogs bark loudly. “Go now. Manu’s here.” Alana smiled in return, grabbed her bag, and made her way outside.

Manu beamed at her when she walked over to his truck. “Look at you,
muzungu
,” he said, taking the bag from her.

Alana laughed and hugged him. “It’s good to see you, Manu,” she spoke against his chest.

“Yeah, yeah, I missed you too,” he said sarcastically before she playfully smacked him on the arm. Stepping back he looked down at her. “So, this is what the new worldly Alana looks like.”

Alana fingered her short hair. When she asked to trim her split ends, the hairdresser ended up cutting her waist-long locks to her shoulders, claiming something along the lines that it was a healthier length. She didn’t mind her new layers. They made her feel older, more mature.

“I hope you didn’t change too much,” he said.

Alana gave him a smile. “Only my perspective.”

He raised his eyebrows and grinned. “Let’s not forget this too,” he said, holding her chin and pinching the soft mound of skin underneath.

“Manu!” She laughed, shoving his hand away.

“What? American food’s been good to you.” He chuckled and led her to the car. “Let’s go. We have a boat to catch.”

***

They drove in silence for what seemed an eternity. Besides the usual small talk about how their families were doing, changes at work, and the odd rugby match, Manu shifted gears, tapped the wheel impatiently, and cleared his throat. When she regaled him with stories of her travels, he smiled politely and avoided eye contact. It was a sharp contrast to what they were usually like together, and Alana felt something was affecting him. Had she really changed that much? She didn’t think so. She was still the same Alana but with a broader view on life. She was about to ask what was on his mind when he suddenly spoke up.

“I met someone.”

She reeled back in shock. She was not expecting that bombshell. “What? Who?” she asked surprised.

Manu looked over. “I met her during that course I took in Australia.”

Alana sat quietly and remembered Manu emailing to inform her that he was going to be traveling there, but he had never mentioned anything about meeting someone.

“Who is she?” she asked curiously.

Manu gazed out the windshield and gave a small smile. “She’s a doctor, a pediatrician. Her name is Lily. Her family moved from South Africa to Australia when she was a child.”
She sounded beautiful already
, Alana thought. “We’ve been communicating on and off for a few months now, so it’s not serious yet.”

She let out a deep breath and smiled. “Manu, that’s wonderful. I’m really happy for you.”

Manu suddenly slowed the car and indicated to pull over the side of the road. Puzzled she looked over at him as he eased it to a stop under a tree. Turning his body towards her, his face was tense, jaw tightening.

“Really, Lana? You’re happy for me?” he asked.

Alana’s heart raced. So they were finally going to have the talk, come face to face with years of an unspoken yearning that went on for too long.

“Yes, Manu, I truly am,” she responded calmly.

His brows furrowed in a frown. “You see, Lana, I really like Lily, but I love you. I can already feel things could go potentially well with her because we get along. Really well. But I need to know that there’s not a shred of a chance that we could have something together first.”

Alana stared at him unblinking, her face awash with emotions. Swallowing the hard lump that was lodged in her throat, she gave him a small smile and tried not to cry at what she was about to say.

“I love you too, Manu, but not in the way that will lead to something more. I treasure our friendship, and not for one second have I sought out to hurt you.”
But you have
. She turned her head and gazed out the windshield. “My heart was given away a long time ago, and it’s unfair to you if I only give you a part of it.” She could feel him watching her closely.

“It’s that Chase guy isn’t it?” he asked.

Alana bit her lip and looked down at her hands. “How did you know?” she asked, looking up at him.

Manu smiled sadly at her. “I had a feeling. And it was confirmed at Malia’s wedding. It was the way he was looking at you when you were dancing. No one could mistake that look when you weren’t watching.”

Alana reached for his hand and squeezed. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Manu. You deserve someone who can give you their whole self. For that reason alone, I won’t be good for you.”

Manu shook his head as if to disagree. “Then where is he, Alana? After all these years, how come he’s not here with you? When a man loves a woman, waiting around is a waste of time.”

Alana swallowed. “I honestly don’t know where he is,” she answered softly.
Perhaps Manu was right
, she thought sadly. Maybe it was time to move on, to bury what feelings she had for Chase once and for all.

He scooted over, drew her head under his chin, and spoke quietly. “How did he get to you, Lana? How did he penetrate through that shell of yours? Because I tried. God knows I tried so many times.” Alana felt his chest rise and fall as he inhaled a deep breath and let it go shakily. “You are it for me. I have loved you for so long, known you for so long. I hear what you’re saying, but I’m just sad you don’t see that we could work if we just gave it a chance.”

She clamped her lips together to keep from crying. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered and he gripped her closer. “You’ve been so good to me,” she said as a tear slipped through. She allowed herself to imagine a life with Manu. Her mind carried to a time and place where he made her laugh and feel safe. She remembered the time she had returned from Fiji following her father’s funeral and he was there, at the airport, to pick her up. She sobbed into his shirt, soaking it with her tears, while he held her firmly. She thought about a future with him. She knew she could be happy with him. How could she have been so blind to this man all of these years?
No
. He deserved a girl who wouldn’t cause him pain like she had.

“It’s okay,” Manu said. “I shouldn’t have dropped this on you like that.”

“No...” she shook her head “...we needed to talk about this.” They sat in silence as she listened to the steady rhythm of his heart. It pained her so much that she hurt him. She swallowed hard. “What is Lily like?” she finally asked.

She could feel him smile against her forehead. “She’s a bookworm like you. She’s funny as hell and has a cat fetish.”

“I like her already.” Alana smiled before her face crinkled in seriousness. “I want you to be happy, Manu,” she added. She heard him sigh.

“I know, Lana, I know. I will be. And so will you,
muzungu
,” he said before kissing her on the head.

***

Alana helped lower the tarpaulin to keep the rain from coming into the meeting
fale
. One of the largest on Manono, it was the headquarters for the project, and the local residents came in groups of extended family for check-ups. With a population of no more than nine hundred people, the medical team was kept busy. Alana was relieved she joined it. She loved to be in the grass roots area, giving immediate attention to those who found it difficult to make the long journey to the National Hospital. This was what she studied for and why she became a nurse: to feel humble from a person’s gratitude and to see the difference a kind gesture did for them in their warm eyes. These acts of service made it all worth it.

Now, on its fifth day of the mission, it poured heavily. The atmosphere was charged with intensity, lightning flashing in the distance, accompanied by high gusts of wind. A blast of air blew into the
fale
and scattered medical papers everywhere, raised mats off the floor, and toppled some chairs. Alana and the team scrambled to secure items: stethoscopes, gloves, and blood pressure pumps.

“Do you think we should cancel today’s check-ups?” she asked Manu. “No one is going to want to walk out in this weather.”

It was early in the morning, and not one single person had arrived yet.

Manu gazed reflectively out at the sea, its waves starting to surge more powerfully. “Let’s give it another hour or so.”

When an hour passed and still no one showed, the team packed up their gear and started towards their lodgings. Rain poured down, the roar of it hurting Alana’s ears. She slung a bag over her shoulder and opened her umbrella just as a young boy ran to them, dripping wet, and shouting.

“Please help us! My father is not well. Please come!”

Manu approached him. “Where is he?” he asked calmly. The boy spoke between pants, a look of terror on his face.

“He’s by the wharf. He collapsed.” Alana dropped the bag and together with Manu and another team member raced to follow the boy. The rain soaked through her clothes, its sharpness pricking her skin, large puddles splashing on her
ie lavalava
. The wharf was a short distance away, a relatively small one that catered to the fishing boats that went between the two islands. A stretch of concrete walkway extended to the sea, its stony foundation holding it in place. Alana could see the man the boy spoke of. He was lying face down, unmoving. Waves surged around him, growing larger by the minute.

“What were you doing out here?” she shouted to be heard.

“We were trying to secure the boat,” the boy answered, and Alana noticed the boat thrashing against the side of the wharf.

“This is getting dangerous!” Manu yelled. “We can’t check him here. Let’s move him to a safe area.”

A wave swelled and crashed over the edge of the concrete, hitting Alana and soaking her already damp clothes. Stunned, she reached for something to hold onto.

“Move it, people!” Manu bellowed over the howl of the storm.

Lightning flashed nearby followed by a boom of thunder. The boy jerked in shock and crouched low. Manu and the other volunteer moved quickly to the sides of the man to lift him. Alana’s eyes squinted against the pelt of rain as she grabbed his legs to help hoist him up. The waves were becoming more and more forceful, smashing over the concrete, its ferocious strength growing in velocity and size. Alana’s breath quickened, her heart beating faster and faster. The wind picked up, almost throwing her off the edge.