If You Stay (28 page)

Maddy nods toward the letter sitting beside me.  

“What’s the deal with that letter, anyway?”

“Apparently,” I explain, “When Paul moved Pax to Chicago, he left a bunch of Susanna’s stuff in their old house. He just couldn’t bring himself to throw it out.  Pax’s grandfather sorted through it for him and when he did, he found a box of letters in Susanna’s closet. 

“I guess, when she was pregnant, she got emotional and hormonal and had decided to start writing Pax letters for special occasions in his life, in case anything ever happened to her.  Paul said he teased her about it, but she did it anyway.  It turned out, her foresight was a good idea.”

“Oh my god,” Maddy breathes.  “That gives me goose bumps.  It’s amazing.”

I nod. “I know.  William kept them for Pax all of these years.”

“Why did Pax want me to bring you that one this morning?” Maddy asks curiously. 

I flip it over and hold it up for her to see.  She obviously hadn’t looked at it when she carried it in to me. 

The envelope is labeled,
For Pax on his wedding day.

His wedding day is today.

Maddy’s eyes widen.  “Oh, wow.  What does it say?”

My fingers shake as I read through the elegant writing once again, this time aloud for Madison.  I struggle not to cry, because the words are just so beautiful.

To my beautiful son,

Looking at you now, as you toddle about my garden collecting caterpillars, I can’t imagine a day when you will be grown, when you will be a man.  I can’t imagine a day when your tiny chubby hands will grow into big, slender ones like your father’s and that you will be one day be big enough to find a woman that you love. 

But I know that day will come, because days like that always do.  You will be big and strong and beautiful and your wife will be lucky to have you. And you will be lucky to have her, too. Because anyone who captures your heart will be beautiful and amazing, as well.  You will suit each other in every way.  That is my hope for you. 

If you’re reading this, then I am not there with you. But I want you to know that my heart is there.  My love is there.  My love will always live on in you. And when you hold your children and your grandchildren, my love will pass through you to them, because love is never-ending. It goes on and on and on. 

My beautiful son, I love you.  I hope that your married life is full of wonder and laughter and love.  You deserve all of that and more.  Please know that I am very proud of the man you have become. I know that even now, even as you are still a boy.  I know it because of the potential that I already see in your eyes. 

Pax, don’t be upset that I’m gone.  I believe in heaven, in a wonderful place full of forgiveness and love, and because of that, I know that I will see you again someday.  Until that day, may your wife keep you happy and safe and loved.

All my love,

Forever,

Your mother

My tears drip onto the fragile paper and I yank it away. I can’t ruin this letter. It has to be put away and saved, so that our children can read it someday. 

Love never fails. 

It is a sentiment that has become a pledge for Pax and me.  In fact, it is inscribed in our weddings rings that we will exchange today.  And in this most perfect of letters, his mom has echoed that thought.  His mother, the woman who gave her life to protect her son because she loved him that much. 

And I do too.

I recognize that truth as I put the letter away and adjust my veil in the mirror.  I love Pax more than life itself.   Like his mother, I would protect him with my life.  Wherever Susanna Tate is, I hope she knows that. 

“Are you okay?” Madison asks quietly as I wipe away the little smudge under my eye.  I nod.

“I’m fine.  It’s just beautiful.  I hope that I live up to her expectations of me.”

Madison smiles and adjusts my dress.  “Of course you will.  You’re amazing, just like she said you would be.”

Warmth wells up in me and as I’m hugging my sister, Tony sticks his head in the door.  He’s wearing a tux…to walk me down the aisle in lieu of my dad.

“Are you ready?” he asks as he holds out his elbow. 

I nod and Madison kneels to gather my long, white train. 

Of course I’m ready.

I’ve never been more ready.  

As we position ourselves in the back of the church, the church that I have seen so many times in my dreams, I am filled with hope and boundless joy.  This church that housed my parents’ funeral is also hosting my wedding, illustrating once again that life is full of all kinds of good and bad.  Pax and I have been through it all and we’ll continue to go through it, because that’s how life works.

I stare at Pax and suddenly, I am filled with peace.  Like his mother before me, he
is
my peace now. 

His eyes meet mine and he smiles, beautiful and radiant in the morning sunshine as he waits for me at the front.  He’s so handsome, so tall and strong, that it takes my breath away. 

I take a breath.

The music starts.

Each step that I take brings me closer to him. 

And when I finally get there, his fingers entwine with mine.

I look up into his eyes, eager to become his. 

I repeat my vows after the minister and end with, “I will love you all of the days of my life.”

And I know that I will.

Because true love never fails. 

It never dies. 

It just goes on and on and on. 

Forever.

Author’s Notes

I wrote this book for a couple of reasons. 

First, someone I love was using drugs to cope with life.  He wasn’t an addict, but like Pax, he was teetering on the edge.  If he hadn’t chosen to get help and learn to deal with stress in healthy ways, he would have continued on a dark, self-destructive path that would have ended in a very tragic way.  I will be forever grateful that he chose to get help, that he recognized the need and put in the work to fix it. 

Second, there was a news story years ago that has haunted me ever since I heard it.  It was about a young mother, a child and an intruder.  They were in the same position as Pax and his mother found themselves in this book, but somehow, the real-life mother and son managed to get away.  I’ve thought about that story off and on over the years and recently, when my mind was wandering in the absent way a writer’s does, I wondered what would have become of the boy if the intruder had killed his mom.  I decided that he would have wanted to live in oblivion, where it was safe and warm.   And Pax’s story was born.

This story is really about a man teetering on the edge.  He could have fallen either way, into the dark or into the light.  And he chose to land on his feet in the light, even though the light is harder and it takes more work.  My message through this book is for anyone who is in that same place, balancing on that precarious ledge.  The light is always worth it, even though it’s hard.  Stay strong and live in the light.

The use of the verse,
Love never fails
, is something personal to me, as well.  It is engraved on my wedding band, just as it is engraved on Pax’s and Mila’s. 

My grandparents were married for sixty years.  They were two of the wisest, gentlest, most amazing people I have ever been honored to know.  And one of the things my grandma always told me was
Love never fails, honey.  It never does.
 

And you know what?   She was right.  True love never fails.  It really does go on and on and on.  The person might be gone, but the love remains. 

Love is stronger than anything else.  It can get you through things that nothing else can.  So rely on it, lean on it.  Embrace it.  Count on it.

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

--1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Lastly, if you enjoyed this book, please stay tuned for book two in The Broken Ones series,
If You Leave.
  It will follow Madison Hill.   As the older sister, she saw more of her parents’ abusive relationship and it gave her trust issues that she carries even still. 

***

“Is everyone in the world broken?” And even to my own ears, my whisper itself sounds broken in the velvety night.  Gabriel stares at me thoughtfully.

“I think so,” he finally answers.  “In their own way.”

                                                          - Madison and Gabriel, If You Leave

COMING SOON

Acknowledgements

I always have so many people to thank, and not nearly enough space to do it.  But I’ll try.

I’m not going to name the person who inspired Pax, because he wouldn’t want me to.  But I
am
going to thank him.  I want to thank him for being strong and for doing what is best for him and for recognizing it himself.  I will love him forever.

M. Leighton, thank you for always being there for me, no matter the time or place.  You are truly the best friend a girl could ever have and I am so very thankful for you.  I love you. 

Autumn from Autumn Review.  I love you, I love you.  Thank you for talking me down from ledges and speaking rationally to me when I am practically having panic attacks. Thank you for being such a good ear and such a good friend.  Your input and advice is always spot-on.  I’m lucky to have you.

Fisher Amelie.  I love you.  You have had one rough year, but you have still managed to come out on the other side as the same gentle spirit that you always were.  I admire that about you.  I am thankful that you are who you are and that you are in my life. 

Sarah Hansen from Okay Creations.  Thank you for the gorgeous cover.  I love it.  Love, love, love it!  You’re amazing. 

Luisa Hansen.  Thank you for being an awesome editor and for polishing this thing until it shined.  You’re amazing and I’m lucky to have found you.  I love you, I love you.  Get that marriage license ready.

Kelly Simmon from InkSlinger PR.  You are awesomely amazing.  I am blessed to have found you and blessed that you wanted to take me on.  Best. Publicist. Ever.

Mollie Harper and Meg Ridgeway.  Thank you both for such insight into this book, for all of the helpful input.  You’re both fabulous. 

My grandparents are no longer here, but I’d still like to thank them.  They are responsible, in large part, for the person that I am today. They led by example- and what an example it was. 

My kids.  Thank you for being you. For making me laugh and cry and showing me what the purest love actually is.  I will love you forever and ever and ever.

My husband.  I don’t even know what to say.  You are truly my better half.  You support me, let me cry on you, make me laugh.  I would be lost without you.  If only you would learn to cook, you would be perfect.  Haha.  Seriously, I love you more than I can say and am more thankful for you than words can express. 
Love never fails.
  We’ve proven that a hundred times already and I can’t wait to prove it a hundred more with you.

And…. My readers!!!   Thank you so, so much for reading my work.  Thank you for your emails, your Facebook posts, your tweets.  I am so grateful for you.  It is because of you that I do what I do. 

********

About the Author

Courtney Cole is a novelist who lives near Lake Michigan. Her favorite place in the world is on the shore with her toes in the water.  Courtney is the author of several Young Adult series, as well as several Adult books.  To learn more about her, visit her website: 
www.courtneycolewrites.com

Or, you can view her
Amazon Author’s Page
 to see a complete collection of her work. 

If you enjoyed
If You Stay,
you might enjoy other work from Courtney Cole.  If you’d like to view samples of her other work, please continue reading. 

Other Excerpts

Of Blood and Bone
(Book One of the Minaldi Legacy)

Genre:  Dark Romance, Adult

By Courtney Cole

Prologue

Luca is gone. 

I know it before I open my eyes.  The weight of his body next to me is absent, the scent of him gone from the air.  I sigh, reluctant to begin this day because I know what it holds for me.  I know that if Luca is truly gone, I will spend every hour frantically searching for him.