"Yes, ma'am. I couldn't sleep so I came in here to watch television." I told her the truth because I had a difficult time lying to her. Grandmother Katie sat down on her recliner and continued to watch the program.
"Who is this about?" she asked.
"Biggie and Tupac," I answered her.
"Oh, yeah. The two young men who were murdered."
"You've heard of them?" I asked, utterly surprised that someone her age even knew of them.
"Yeah, I've heard of them. We've talked about them before at church," she answered.
She and I watched the remainder of the program together, and at its conclusion, Grandmother Katie turned off the television.
"What a waste," she said. "All of that beautiful creative talent gone to waste. Perhaps if their energy could have been focused in a different direction their lives would not have been so short."
"But they had it going on while they lived," I said. "I mean, they had everything. Cars, a house and money. They were doing it," I said, excited about their lifestyle.
"Honey, money, cars and a home will not make you happy. Having purpose in your life can make you happy. Doing for others can make you happy. Giving—" Grandmother Katie stopped talking and there was a perplexed look on her face.
"Keysha, did your mother and other grandmother ever take you to church?"
I laughed.
"Are you kidding me?" I laughed again. "We never went to church. Grandmother Rubylee said that the church was full of sinners pretending to be sanctified."
Grandmother Katie's mouth fell open and she glared at me as if she were completely bewildered by what I'd just said.
"What are you thinking? What's wrong?" I asked because I was beginning to think that I'd traumatized her.
"Has Jordan taken you to church yet?" she asked. My grandmother was referring to my father who we called by his first name, Jordan. I had recently discovered my father and his side of the family a few months ago. My mother, Justine, and I were struggling to make ends meet in our old neighborhood in Chicago. When she got busted by the police for passing bad checks, I ended up in foster care. I had never met my father until I wound up in the system. Because I shared the same last name as Jordan, the social workers were able to locate him.
Jordan never knew of my existence before that time. He invited me to move into the house he shared with his wife, Barbara, and son, Mike. Jordan and Grandmother Katie were always kind to me, but Barbara and Mike really resented my presence those first few weeks.
"No. He said that we were going to go but I think he first wanted to build up our relationship. I'm positive we were about to go, but then I sort of complicated things."
"I want you to go upstairs and get ready for church," she said.
"What?" I asked.
"We're going to church this morning. I was going to go to the afternoon service, but I think it would be better for us to go to the early-morning service."
I rolled my eyes. "It's going to be boring," I protested.
"You're bored sitting here now, so your being bored at church will not harm you."
I was ready to snap back with an ugly comment, but I held on to my words before my mouth got me into trouble. Still, the last thing I wanted to do was listen to some old sweaty preacher talking about sinners and heathens.
When we arrived at church, everyone there knew my grandmother Katie and everyone seemed to want a moment of her time to speak with her. I don't know why I got jealous about sharing her but I did. Someone asked her about organizing a health day at the church for people who didn't have medical insurance. Someone else asked her if she could find some hours to assist with the adultliteracy ministry. She graciously acknowledged everyone's plea for her assistance and she said that she would see if she could find some time in her schedule to volunteer.
"Dang, why are these people all over you like that? Can't they do stuff for themselves?" I asked with an undertone of irritation that Grandmother Katie sensed immediately.
"Get your attitude in check, young lady. You're in the house of the Lord and your nasty mood will not be tolerated in here." Grandmother Katie gave me a look that I knew instinctively not to play with unless I wanted my life to end right where I stood. I released a big sigh and wanted to follow it up with a snide remark. But out of respect for her I held my words.
"To answer your question, along with other members of our family, I have done a lot of community service in this town and for this church. It's not about people wanting me to do stuff for them. It's about giving and helping those who are in need. That is my passion. Doing this kind of work is what fills my spirit with joy and gives my life meaning and purpose."
"How are you doing, Miss Katie?" A young man in his late twenties approached us. He was gorgeous. I mean,
stop what you're doing and smile at him as hard as you
could
gorgeous. I knew he was too old for me, but still, he was too fine for words.
"I'm doing fine, Erin." Grandmother Katie embraced the gentleman.
"How are Kayla and the baby doing?" she asked.
"They're doing wonderful."
"That is so good to hear. I've very proud of you. Oh, Erin, this is my granddaughter, Keysha. Keysha, this is Erin, our youth pastor."
"I didn't know you had a granddaughter. It's nice to meet you, Keysha," he said, smiling at me.
"Hi," I greeted him back, but the word came out all wrong. I sounded as if I was completely lame.
"Is this your first time here?" Erin asked.
"Yeah," I answered, smiling hard. I couldn't help it. He looked like an older version of the singer Neo-Yo. And Lord knows I've fantasized about being Neo-Yo's wife on a number of occasions.
"Have you met anyone in the youth ministry yet?"
"The answer to that would be no." I extended my arms out as if I were taking a long stretch. When I did that my breasts rose up and jutted forward toward him. For a brief moment Erin's eyes fell downward and danced all over my breasts. A delicious twang of energy consumed my mind and body. It excited me to know that I could tempt an older man. It excited me to know that he lusted for something he couldn't have. I was about to do the move again, but I felt Grandmother Katie's laser-beam eyes all over me.
"I mean, I'm visiting my grandmother for a few days and this is my first time here so I haven't had an opportunity to meet anyone yet." I tried to cover up the naughtiness of the little temptress inside me.
"Well, sit up front and after the service I'll introduce you to some of the kids in choir."
"We will, Erin," Grandmother Katie said. We then said goodbye for the moment as we made our way to the front of the church. As soon as we sat down Grandmother Katie snapped at me.
"Little girl, don't you ever pull a stunt like that again!" Grandmother Katie's face was masked with scorn.
"Do what?" I played dumb. We locked eyes on each other as if we were having a staring contest. But Grandmother Katie wasn't toying around. She did something to me with that glare of hers. I felt as if she read every impure thought I had in my head. Grandmother Katie was admonishing me without saying a single word, and that frightened the hell out of me. No one had ever done that before. I broke eye contact. I felt as if she'd just entered my soul and found the temptress inside me and set her straight.
"Erin is a very bright and intelligent man." She began to speak. "He's a great leader and has inspired a number of young people to come off of the streets and join the church."
I wanted to say,
whatever,
but I didn't. A few moments later the choir stand began filling up with the members of the youth choir. The choir began to sing a popular gospel song by Kirk Franklin. The choir was well trained and sounded very good. The live music, the energy and the spirit of fellowship quickly filled the air around us. The young music director encouraged everyone to stand on their feet and clap their hands and sing along. Grandmother Katie stood on her feet and allowed the music to consume her. She turned toward me as she sang and I saw a completely different person. Her facial expressions, her voice and eyes were all completely filled with joy. It was amazing how quickly she changed. I'd never seen anything like that in all of my life. When the pace of the music slowed, everyone sat back down and Erin, the youth minister, stepped up to the podium.
"A lot of adults look at youth today and the only thing they see is a headache and a problem. They complain about the negative energy in the music youth listen to, they complain about the way they wear their clothes and violence they commit against each other. It would appear to many our youth today have completely lost their minds. But I'm here to tell you that it's not all about the youth and what they're doing. Some of it is about the parents and what they are not doing. You see, as a child you come into this world knowing very little. And it is up to the parents to program the child with good information so that he or she can function and be all that God intended them to be."
"That's right," I heard Grandmother Katie say in agreement.
"When I was a young man coming of age my family wasn't rich, but we weren't poor either. We were just broke all of the time. And what I mean by that is there was always enough money to take care of the household but rarely was there enough left over for luxuries. Today, we call that 'living from paycheck to paycheck.'"
Everyone in the church laughed together because they understood where the pastor was coming from.
"When I needed new clothes for school or church my mother would always take me to a discount department store called Value Smart. And she would always take me to a shoe bin in the middle of an aisle where the shoes were connected together via their shoestrings and tell me to find my size. And I would always say, 'Dang Mama, why can't we ever go to the regular department store instead of coming here to Value Smart?' And do you know what she said?"
"Tell us what she said," Grandmother Katie said.
"She said that we don't go to those stores because I want you to understand that your value is not linked to the clothes on your back or the shoes on your feet. She told me that my value was the light that was inside me. She said my value was linked to my intelligence. She said that my value was linked to the content of my character. She said that my value was linked to how I feel about myself and not about how I look."
Wow,
I thought. I felt as if Erin was speaking directly to me. I listened to the rest of his sermon, and what I thought would most certainly be a completely boring time actually turned out to be interesting.
As promised, Erin introduced me to members of the youth choir. They were all very nice and welcoming and one girl even suggested that we catch a movie during my next visit.
After church Grandmother Katie and I went to the mall. We stopped at the bath-and-body shop and she said that I could pick out some scented lotion and bubble bath for myself. I walked around sniffing a variety of scents but finally settled on a body lotion that smelled like peaches. We stopped at the food court, got something to eat and then headed back home. It was during the drive home that I got brave and decided to share the reasons behind why I gave myself to Ronnie.
"The sermon was really interesting today," I said.
"Yes, it was," Grandmother Katie agreed as she merged with the traffic on the expressway.
"All of the talk about being valuable was kind of new to me. Why do guys make girls feel as if they're valuable or special just to get what they want and then dump you?" I swallowed hard because that was a tough question for me to ask.
"Well, what is it that guys want?" she asked, and I couldn't believe that she was going to make me spell it out for her. I swallowed hard again. It wasn't easy for me to ask adult questions.
"You know, when they want you to give it up. They'll tell you how much they love you and want to be with you and say all types of things to make you feel special. And then, when you finally say yes and they get what they want, then it's like they treat you differently." I tried to make sure that my question was a broad one so that she'd believe that I was speaking about girls in general and not myself, even though I was.
"Oh, okay." Grandmother Katie was silent for a moment. "Well, young lady, first off, a young woman should never offer the honeypot to a man just because he says he loves you or makes you feel good about yourself. You should already feel good about who you are and you should love yourself. When a young woman has good self-esteem, a boy or man will not be able to come along and offer her something she already has. The second thing is, and I know this is going to sound old-fashioned, but you shouldn't do adult things and not be married. You shouldn't give a boy privileges without being in a devoted relationship, and young ladies around your age are much too young to deal with those kinds of feelings and emotions. Young people need to enjoy being young because being young only happens once."
"Okay," I said, analyzing what she'd just told me. She released a big sigh and then continued to talk.
"Keysha, young men around your age are not serious. They're too young to be seriously in love. It's a game to young men. The idea is to be as charming and as clever as you can to get a girl to lower her guard. Once they get what they're seeking, they may become bored and search for a new challenge. The other side of the coin is that once a girl gets a reputation for being active, other boys will come buzzing around like flies at a picnic in search of an opportunity to use their wit and charm to get some honey."
"Yeah, I've seen guys do that before. Okay, so how does a girl control her urges? I mean, it's not all about the boy wanting to do something. Girls have those feelings too."