Identity Crisis (17 page)

They were both too far gone to hold back much longer, and it took little more than a stroke between her legs before she came, growling and straining and nearly collapsing onto the bench as he came, juddering in hard waves inside her.

It was only as their breathing began to return to normal that he could hear her sniffles. As he pulled out, she stood and wiped her nose on the back of her hand, then jerked her jeans up as though they’d made her angry somehow.

She stuffed her bra into the pocket of his hoodie with a hard shove, bent to retrieve her beret, and was already heading down the path before he could deal with the condom and get settled back into his track bottoms. He hurried to catch up. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions back there at The Boiling Point. It’s just I was so scared when I couldn’t find you, and I saw the way everyone was looking at you earlier.’

Amazingly, the tension dissipated from her shoulders and she shot him a sideways grin. ‘You jealous?’

‘Yes.’ He didn’t even have to think about it. Of course he was jealous. And suddenly he could tell she was studying him in the dark, a situation that was never very comfortable for him.

At last she spoke. ‘Garrett, you had no reason to be jealous. Don’t you know you were by far the most interesting man there?’

He fought back a wave of confusion. Kendra Davis had wrong-footed him again. ‘No. I didn’t know that.’

‘Well, I knew it.’ She slid her arm through his, leaned in on her tiptoes, and settled a kiss on his cheek. ‘And so did every other woman who saw you there tonight. The lust was rampant, Garrett, totally rampant.’

He pulled her to him and kissed her on the mouth. ‘Oh, now you’re just toying with me. You wanted to slap me again. I could see it on your face. You wanted to do … Well, probably all sorts of unthinkable stuff to me.’

‘And you deserved it,’ she said, as they continued their walk. ‘Problem is you might have liked it a little too much if I’d slapped you, and I was too angry to give you something you might like.’

This time he laughed out loud, causing a couple walking a pair of corgis to start and glance over their shoulders before hurrying on down the lit path. ‘And you think what happened up there –’ He nodded to the hill they had just descended, and the hawthorn grove. ‘You think that wasn’t something I like?’

‘That –’ She glanced over her shoulder. ‘That wasn’t for you. That was for me.’

‘Maybe so, but it worked for me on a lot of levels.’

He could see the corners of her mouth turn up in that quirky smile that always made him wonder if she was laughing at him or at herself. ‘Guess you got lucky, then, didn’t you?’

This time she let him slide his arm around her, slipping his thumb down into the waistband of her low riders just enough to stroke the swell of her hip, and she returned the favor, stroking his back beneath his hoodie. A part of him was disappointed that the walk back to his house wasn’t a longer one, but the closeness of her, the wild restlessness of her, was already making him horny again by the time they slipped up the back steps and into the kitchen. 

Chapter Eighteen

While he locked the door, she tiptoed into the living room and peeked out into the front yard between the heavy drapes, which had remained drawn with the discovery of the press. ‘Looks like the night watch is in place,’ she called back over her shoulder. ‘Somebody’s even out there in a damn motorhome.’

By the time she’d returned to his side, he’d extricated the remains of last night’s pizza from the refrigerator and was chomping on a cold piece.

‘Starving.’ He spoke around a mouthful. ‘You can nuke it if you want.’ He nodded to the microwave.

‘I can’t wait that long.’ She slapped his hands away from the box and grabbed her own piece. ‘Besides, I get really grouchy if I don’t eat regularly.’

‘That would be a shock,’ he said.

She flipped him off, and he blew her a kiss.

He pulled his BlackBerry from his pocket and checked it. ‘Missed call from Don, missed call from Don. Text from Don to check my email. Missed call from Don. Jesus, the bastard’s a bore,’ Garrett said.

She pulled out her iPhone and nodded as she scrolled down. ‘Yep. I see what you mean. Still, I suppose we should at least make an effort. I mean, he may have a great new feminine hygiene product lined up for Tess to endorse; more money for both of you.’

He pulled her into his arms and she offered a little yelp as he lifted her onto the counter. ‘There’s nothing Don can possibly have to say that can be worth missing out on what I’ve got right here.’ He ran a hand up under her sweatshirt and cupped her bare breasts in turn. Her bra was still stuffed in the pocket of his hoodie, and God, was it a turn-on to watch the frontal action when Kendra’s breasts were free.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and lazily nibbled on his bottom lip. ‘Better call him,’ she said as she pulled away with a flick of her tongue. ‘Then we can get on to better things.’ She nodded down to where his cock was beginning to tent his track bottoms again.

While he pulled up Don’s number, Kendra grabbed a couple of bottles of Mirror Pond Pale Ale from the refrigerator, opened them, and handed one to him just as Don’s voice boomed over the speaker phone.

‘Where the hell have you been?’

Garrett looked at Kendra. ‘I’ve got you on speaker phone, Don.’ He winked at her. And they both smiled at the shuffle and huff of embarrassment on the other end of the device.

‘You doing all right, Kay?’ Don asked.

‘Fine, thanks. I’m fine.’

‘Now, where have you two been?’ Garrett recognized the forced politeness in Don’s voice. He didn’t use it on him very often. He and Don had long ago moved past the need to be polite.

‘Dancing,’ Garrett replied, pulling out a chair and settling at the table in front of the BlackBerry. ‘We’ve been dancing.’

‘Dancing, right. And how did you manage that without the press finding out?’

‘Well.’ He pulled Kendra down onto his lap and ran his hand back under her shirt. ‘Kay’s very creative. We went incognito to a place not far from here. Sneaked out the back.’

There was a long silence at the other end of the phone, and they could hear Don’s forced sigh. ‘Isn’t that a little bit dangerous? Have there been any more emails from your stalker?’

‘I’ll get the laptop and we can find out.’ Before Garrett could grab her, Kendra was off his lap and halfway up the stairs. She returned in a few seconds with his computer and plopped back down onto his lap while he maneuvered around her, sloppily brushing her breasts on purpose as he pulled up his email.

Kendra saw it first, and the little hitch of her breath was enough to knot his stomach. ‘There’s something here from him, from Razor Sharp.’ Garrett barely managed to keep his voice steady, not wanting to make matters worse. He tightened his grip around Kendra’s waist as he took a deep breath and opened it.

You’re a whore, Tess! I’m only just now realizing how much of a whore you really are.

Kendra flinched on his lap as though she’d been slapped.

‘Read it to me,’ Don demanded.

Garrett could barely hear his own voice over the loud fluttering of wings in his ears. ‘Don, we’ll call you back.’ He reached for the BlackBerry.

‘No.’ Kendra laid her hand against his. ‘It’s all right. I’ll read it.’

Before he could stop her, she read in a voice that was distant, mechanical.

You’re a whore, Tess! I’m only just now realizing how much of a whore you really are. Sadly, when I’m honest with myself, I always suspected that you were. I always suspected that no one could write sex like you do without being a dirty little slut herself. And the way you let Garrett Thorne fuck you, that worthless excuse for a human being, the way you play the whore with him, only confirms that you aren’t worthy, that you deserve to be punished. And when I get you to myself, Tess, when it’s just you and me and no Garrett Thorne, no interfering press, no one else, then I promise you, I will punish you, and you will repent of your wickedness and beg for my forgiveness. It’s the only way we can be together, Tess. And we will be together. I only hope it’s not too late.

Yours in deepest love,

R.S.

‘Damn it, Garrett! This isn’t funny. Kay, are you –?’

But Kendra wasn’t listening; instead, she fought her way off Garrett’s lap and made a mad dash for the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

‘Garrett, what’s going on? Don’t you think maybe you should –?’

‘I’ll call you back.’ Garrett broke the connection and ran after Kendra.

Kendra wasn’t sure how long she sat on the bathroom floor with her cheek pressed against the cool tiles of the wall, fearing if she moved she would throw up, fearing if she moved all the nightmares would come racing back, fearing if she moved she would unravel a thread at a time until there was nothing left of her but the knot of panic threatening to devour her. It could have been seconds. It could have been years.

At some point, out of the dark mist that surrounded her and danced like shadows across her vision, Garrett knocked softly on the door. When she didn’t answer, he opened the door a crack. ‘Kendra? Can I come in?’

She might have nodded her head the tiniest bit or not, but for some reason he felt he had her consent. For a second he stood in the open door and took in the situation, her sitting, against the wall, close enough to the toilet that she could get there if she needed to retch, but close enough that the tile could cool the heat of rage and frustration and sick fear that threatened to tear her apart.

Then he moved to the sink, filled a glass with water, and sat down next to her. ‘Can you drink this?’ His voice was like light pulling her back from the dark. ‘Because if you can it’ll help you feel better.’

When she reached for it, her hands were too unsteady to hold it, but he held it for her, tipping it to her lips so she could drink. And when she’d had enough, he set the glass aside and eased her gently into his arms. It felt better there. For a long time he didn’t say anything. He just held her, and the nausea disappeared and the world righted itself and she could breathe again. It was still a long time before she could risk speaking, before she felt she could manage it without sobbing. Only Dee and Harris had ever seen her sob. Only Dee and Harris loved her anyway. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she finally managed.

Garrett smoothed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. ‘For what?’ He asked. But before she could apologies for what a coward she was, for how weak she was, he continued, ‘What happened, Kendra?’ He nodded toward the door. ‘I know that email isn’t it.’

There was a time when she would have rather cut out her own heart than told any of her secrets to Garrett Thorne, than told any of her secrets to anyone. Now that time seemed very long ago, indeed.

She fumbled with her iPhone, flipped through it with fingers that were still none too steady until she came to the picture. Then she handed it to him. She could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t recognize her, and she waited until she saw the light dawn in his eyes.

‘It’s you,’ he said breathlessly. ‘I would have never guessed.’

She reached for the water glass and drank the rest of it back. ‘No one would have. That was the point. And I never thought of her as me. I never thought of any of them as me. Just like I didn’t think of myself as Tess Delaney at the Golden Kiss Awards.’

‘I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘This was a role you played for another client?’

‘No, Garrett. That –’ she nodded to the image on the iPhone ‘– that was a role I played for me. One of many.’ She took a deep shudder of a breath. ‘The Bird Woman, that’s what he called me, because of the fake tattoos. The Bird Woman was the one who cost me everything.’

She could tell by the drawing of his brows that he still didn’t get it. Of course he didn’t. How could he? She took a deep breath and continued.

‘I told you I don’t need much sleep. I never have. The Ryde Agency demanded a lot of time and energy from me but not nearly all of it, especially since I found the work so stimulating. And early on, once I figured out what I had to do to make it work, money was never a problem. The Ryde Agency was a cash cow long before my skill was anything other than dumb luck and a huge ego.

‘I figured out early on with everyone thinking K. Ryde was a hard-assed PR guru, a man surrounded by his stable of PR nymphs who could pull off miracles for a price, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I had the money, and I had, I don’t know, this way of emptying myself when I wanted to and reinventing myself as another person. At first, I did it only for work. I was K. Ryde’s PA. I was an actress K. Ryde hired to play someone’s secretary or someone’s mistress, someone’s sister. I was K. Ryde’s wife, even, at times. And if I could be anyone I wanted to be at work, why not at play? So I started dressing the part. I’d go out someplace far enough away from my own stomping ground, someplace I was unlikely to meet up with anyone I knew. I’d change my hair color, my cut, my make-up.’ She cupped her breasts. ‘My tit size. I even went out as a man a few times.’ She shrugged. ‘I wasn’t so good at that. I could never quite get the walk and the mannerisms right. But anyone else I could be for a night, for a week. If I met someone interesting I would keep the persona I had when I met them as for as long as it took me to get bored. That was never more than a couple of weeks. And since I was the Ryde Agency, the way I looked was never an issue at work. Even the people I did hire to assist me never saw the real me, and they never saw each other. No one knew anyone in the real world. So whenever I decided I wanted to get to know someone, spend some time with someone, it was easy.’

‘You mean with a man.’ Garrett struggled with the words. ‘Spend some time with a man.’

She nodded. ‘Yes, with a man. Well, at least most of the time. Occasionally it was just an interesting group of people that I wanted to know more about, that I wanted to get a feel for. But my sexual partners were always men. Not that I wouldn’t have considered a woman. It just never happened, that’s all.’

‘And you had sex with all these people? The people you met?’ The muscles along the top of his jaw clenched and his shoulders looked like they were made of iron.

‘Not all of them, and not always. It was more about the control I had, about the freedom I had as a nobody, as a person who didn’t really exist. Because I was good at my job, it was never hard to win people’s trust, and it was always easy to manipulate my way into the center of things. Garrett, I could have sex whenever I wanted it. That was never an issue. That’s not why I did it.’

‘Then why?’ he asked.

‘Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to be someone else? I mean, you are someone else, and you’ve pulled it off at least as well as I have, you and Tess.’

He squirmed and straightened his back against the wall, but said nothing.

She nodded to the photo. ‘I was Bird Woman when I met the man who … The one who stalked me. There was a woman I’d partied with a few times. We just ended up together, Lila was her name. We ran into each other at a really ratty bar in Santa Monica one night. She was with him. She called him Edge. That’s all, just Edge. She was fucking him, and she told me he wanted to do a threesome with me. She was really strange about it, almost like she was desperate to involve me. I told her no. There were too many elements in a threesome I couldn’t control, and after seeing the two of them together, I was pretty sure I couldn’t control him, pretty sure he was dangerous. That was the night he grabbed my phone away from me and took this picture.’ She looked down at the image. ‘It’s the only picture I have of any of them, any of the people I used to be. I wouldn’t allow photos, but this was on my own phone, so it didn’t seem to matter, and I didn’t want to upset him. He was flirting with me, and she was watching, sort of, I don’t know, she was just acting really strange. I was just trying to be polite, be nice and get the hell out of there. It wasn’t comfortable. When he asked me outright if I’d like to have sex with them, I politely declined. I thought everything was cool. I made a quick stop to the bathroom on my way out when I heard noises in the alley. And he was out there, beating the shit out of her.’

She shivered, and Garrett tightened his hold around her and chafed her arms. ‘I wasn’t thinking. I started yelling at him, I told him I’d call the police. I told him I had a gun.’ She shrugged. ‘I didn’t. I didn’t have anything, but he just shoved her against the wall and stared at me. And he said, “I hear birds don’t live long, Bird Woman.” Then he left.

‘Two weeks later Lila was dead.’

‘Jesus!’ Garrett pulled her closer. ‘He killed her?’

‘No. He didn’t kill her, at least not outright. She committed suicide. Though, looking back, I’ve no doubt he drove her to it. I didn’t even know she was dead until he emailed me the link from the paper and her obituary. I have no idea how he got my email, how he discovered who I was when no one else could. In the beginning, he seemed all broken up about Lila, and I was sympathetic, but distant. I figured he’d lose interest and if he didn’t I’d change my email address and that would be that. K. Ryde had lots of email addresses and lots of identities. I figured it couldn’t be that difficult to handle.’