I Still Love You (3 page)

“Take yours off too.” He didn’t wait for me to answer, just pulled it off and tossed that away too. “That’s better you look a little more like you now.”

“But your make-up looks silly without the wig.”

“Who cares, we made the first impression, I’d rather just feel comfortable and have fun now.”

“Me too.”

“Come here.”

I stepped closer to him as his hand settled on my back, in the hollow of the lower curve, that the dress hugged. He still had his bottle of beer in his hand, and that bumped against my shoulder as his other arm wrapped around me and his mouth pressed against mine, and my arms slid about his middle.

His tongue slipped into my mouth and danced around mine, and we swayed to the song, pressing up against each other. We hadn’t done this for a long time. Maybe not even since Saint was born, and that was a long time ago.

He broke the kiss and then he leaned around me to take a long swig from his beer, wrapping his arm around my neck again. Then he whispered in my ear. “I love you.”

I wanted to cry again. “I love you too,” I said as the song ended then I turned around and picked up my orange juice and drank it all down, the vodka hitting my bloodstream as the next song started.

“I’m gonna go and get another beer.”

The others in the room were joining in with the line-dancing, it looked a little crazy with every one dressed up in lots of weird costumes. But I wasn’t into that any more than Jason was, and he had a major passion against it. “I’ll come with you.”

When he got into the kitchen he smiled over at me as he took a beer out of the fridge, and then he held it out. “Do your thing. ”

I took it out of his hand and popped the top off on the counter edge by smacking it with my palm. He took it back from me smiling. “Do you want to go outside, for a while?”

“Why?”

“To spend some time alone. We never get to spend any time alone.”

He took another swig from his beer.

“Okay. I’ll just get another drink.”

He opened the back door. I poured some more orange juice, and as my back was too him, I slipped another shot of vodka in it.

He held the door for me as I walked out. I was going to settle into one of Lindy’s and Billy’s garden chairs, but Jason caught hold of my arm. “No, sit with me. We can fit in one chair.”

He sat down, and then pulled on my wrist. “Come on.”

With my free hand I lifted the skirt of my borrowed wedding dress and sat down on his lap, straddling his legs, with my knees bent up, facing him.

“That’s better.” he smiled, swigging some of his beer.

My fingers ran over his short hair, then down behind his ear, and down his neck. “You’re so good looking, even covered in a Zombie disguise, I can see what those girls see in you.”

His fingers tucked one side of my hair behind my ear. “And you are still the best looking girl I’ve ever seen… so I’m not interested in what those girls see.”

“But they aren’t mad… I am.”

“You were always mad, Rach, it’s part of why I fell for you.”

I sighed, drank my second glass of orange juice and vodka, then leaned down to put the glass on the floor, then I snuggled my arms around his neck and rested against his shoulder, getting more make-up over that suit jacket he didn’t want to spoil.

“I miss you,” I said. It was a stupid thing to say, he was with me every day.

“I miss you too.” The emotion in his words rumbled in his chest.

His head tipped back as he drank his beer down, that was always a bad idea for Jason; if he kept drinking like that he’d have a major hangover in the morning.

He leaned sideways and set his beer down, then his hand gripped either side of my head and moved my face so I looked at him. “Kiss me again… ”

I smiled, and did.

His hands gripped my ass, as his tongue danced about mine, and he encouraged me to slide a little closer.

I broke the kiss. “We haven’t just kissed like this for ages, have we?”

“I do know, Rach.” His hand cupped the back of my head and he brought my lips back to his. It spun me into the past, onto the dance floor when we had first gotten together, we’d done a lot of kissing then, but I’d already been pregnant with Saint, and so we hadn’t had much of a honeymoon period. All this was my fault.

He broke the kiss. “Stop thinking about whatever you’re thinking about and just kiss me.”

I smiled again and then I did, my fingers gripping over his hair and my tongue controlling the kiss. Yes, that was how I’d used to kiss him. That was how we’d kissed in the club the night we’d first hooked up. The grip of longing firmed in my belly, a little knot of want. It had used to be a huge knot of want, but that was the weight of my meds dragging me down and holding me back.

His hands slid to my thighs beneath the dress. They were warm, even though it was cold out here. His fingers slid up to the hem of my panties, and then he just gripped my thighs as he kept kissing me, but now his hips were moving a little against me, to the beat of the music that seeped through the glass of the living room window.

I let my high heel shoes slip off my feet and fall onto the deck and then I slid a little closer to him, my toes tucking in behind his knees as he had his legs spread, spreading my legs too. He was still rocking up against me, and he was making the little knot ravel up a bit bigger and tighter.

I broke the kiss, looking down at him, breathing hard. “Jason… ” What was he trying to do?

“Go and get me another beer.”

I climbed off him, but didn’t put my shoes back on and held my dress up away from my feet. My feet were cold on the deck as I tiptoed across it in my thin white stockings.

“You look amazing,” Jason said behind me. “Seriously your legs look awesome like that!”

He was getting drunk; he was so bad at handling his drink, but we were at a party, and we were young, he was here to get drunk, that was why he’d wanted to sleep over.

I ran into the kitchen, the music had been turned up, and I could hear them in the living room all shouting out the words and whooping as they did their thing. It wasn’t our thing.

I knocked the top off another bottle of beer for Jason, but then I picked up a second bottle and did the same, and I took two outside. Holding them both in one hand by the necks of the bottles, I offered him one by pointing the base at him. He carefully slipped it out of my grasp. “Are you drinking? You shouldn’t—”

“I’m just going to have a couple of sips, then you can have the rest.”

“Okay. ” He reared his palms up. “I’m just your husband who cares about you, not the drinking police.”

I laughed at him and smacked his shoulder, then I lifted my dress and straddled his thighs again.

“It’s just, don’t drink too much; you know if you do it’ll make you sick.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I hate the effects of this medicine.”

He looked into my eyes and didn’t say anything.

Then he sighed. “I do too. I hate that you aren’t able to be you. I want you back.”

Ah. A tear escaped my eye. “I am me… Maybe this is me… The person who isn’t sick.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Rach.” He wrapped his arm around me as my forehead fell onto his shoulder.

“I feel like you’re falling out of love with me.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“It’s just how I feel.”

“Well you feel wrong.” He took another gulp of beer.

I straightened up and watched him. “I’ve been hard work.”

His eyebrows lifted, “You have been hard work since the day I met you. That is no surprise to me. I like you hard work. You are worth the work.”

A smile actually rose from inside me.

“There see. There’s the girl who used to drag me into clubs, and all sorts of crazy shit.”

He took another drink from his beer bottle, I took one from the bottle I held. It made me feel a little sick, so I leaned over and put it down on the floor. I’d probably had as much alcohol as my meds were going to let me get away with.

He looked at me, then drank the rest of his beer down in one hit. He was definitely going to wind up with a hangover.

He put the bottle down. “Kiss me again.”

I obeyed, my fingers gripping his head as my tongue danced around his. The cold was penetrating my thin dress, but I ignored it. The music played on, seeping out of the living room, and I heard Lindy’s voice in the kitchen, but I didn’t stop kissing him, as his hands gripped and released on my thighs.

I could tell he wanted to do more. It was like when we’d started. We’d just been friends, but then we’d danced together, up close and personal for an hour or more, and then we’d looked at each other and kissed for the first time. We’d both known it was going to go there. Then everything had spun out into the chaos that was us. We were chaos together. But good chaos… Or we had been good chaos.

I broke the kiss breathing hard.

“I want to have sex with you… ” he said into my mouth. “Out here… ”

“There’s a lot of people in the house and it’s cold.”

“My Rachel never cared about stuff like that. I seem to remember it was fucking freezing when you dragged me into an alley outside that club in New York, where a couple of thousand people were passing by.”

He was right. “But that was when my bipolar had free reins and used to run riot. It’s not rioting now.”

He moved forward in the chair. His hands gripping under my thighs. “Well I am rioting now, but not in this chair, they’ll see us from the window.”

“Jason… ” My heart started thumping as he stood up, picking me up and lifting me with him. I wrapped my legs about his waist, and my arms about his neck so I didn’t fall. He was serious. I laughed, it broke out of me, and it was a laugh that felt different.

“Over there.” He nodded at the dark corner over by the side of the house, the fence came into the house at an angle and there was a little triangle tucked around the side that you couldn’t see into unless you were at the end of garden, and in the dark, you probably wouldn’t be able to see into it at all. A pulse of excitement skittered around my nerves as he walked us across the deck to the dark corner.

“You’re being naughty. ”

“It was you who taught me how to be naughty.”

“Is this why you wanted to leave Saint at home so you could be wicked in their back garden?”

“I left Saint at home because I thought we both need a bit of wicked time every now and then. Hold on tight I’m going down the steps.” He breathed the words into my ear.

We reached the dark corner and he let my legs slide down to the floor. It wasn’t so dark, if anyone came out here they’d see me, my white dress captured the moonlight.

“We need to get these off for a start.” His hands slid up to grip my panties, underneath my dress, and then he began slipping them down. I’d worn a white lacy thong to go with the dress.

“These feel interesting, I missed these when you were getting dressed.”

He dropped to his knees and I laughed as his head disappeared under the long skirt of the dress. The laugh was nervous but it was a different sort of nervous, it was an excited nervous. I gripped his head through the fabric as he slid my panties down and kissed my most sensitive spot. “Oh.” I laughed, again.

Memories of all the anxious, desperate sex we’d shared when we were first together spurred in my mind. His finger slipped into me. Just one, teasing, finger.

“Yes…” he asked me for permission, with a sensual sound in his pitch.

This was him fixing us.

“Yes.” I wanted us to be fixed. “I like having a Zombie eating me up between my legs, when do you start on my brain? Soon…”

A rumble of laughter reverberated beneath my dress, and the heat and vibration did delicious things.

“Very soon… ”

I rocked my hips against his invasion, and looked up at the stars, it was so cold that I had goose-bumps on my arms, and my breath steamed in the night air, but I didn’t care now, I could freeze to death, I’d rather die like this. He was starting on my brain, eating up my conscious thought and flooding me with a cocktail of lust and love.

I pulled his head more against me as his tongue touched me as well as his fingers, and it was all sensation, because I couldn’t see him under my dress.

His free hand gripped my thigh, and it cupped it in a way that said he was protecting me, holding me steady as I rocked against his invasion. The night may be cold, but my temperature was rising, and feelings were breaking through the chains of my meds.

We’d been having sex, but it had been boring. It was sex, just for the sake of sex.

This was sex.

“Jason.” I whispered with a sense of awe.

When I’d met him he hadn’t been into stuff like this. I’d made him into stuff like this.

The flood of an orgasm swelled, about to break like an ocean wave, and he sucked the little sensitive spot and tugged it gently with his teeth, and then I was over the top and the wave broke, crashing into my face and tipping me into a sea of feeling. Both his hands gripped my naked ass, as his tongue delved deeper while I came. Then he was stripping my panties off my feet. I still didn’t have my heels on, I’d forgotten I’d taken them off. When he stood up, he lifted my legs, pressing me back against the wall of the house. The beat of the music inside had changed. It was even louder as Ella Henderson sang out,
Glow
, and there were shouts of excitement, and the sounds of people having fun.

“Undo my pants,” Jason breathed heavily, his breath misting.

I slipped my hand down between us and undid the button and then his zipper, then I angled things, and he… pressed… in until he was flush against my hips, buried deep inside me. I loved the feel of him in me, more than I had ever liked any other guy—way more. Jason was my guy, I swear I had known from the moment I’d met him, he was mine…meant for me.

“This feels good… ”

“Uh huh.” I agreed, one of my hands clinging at the back of his neck, while my other arm wrapped around his shoulders, I was sure I was clinging more than the old me would have done.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, kiss me… ”

He did, as he withdrew, and then he was kissing me, catching my tongue between his teeth, pressing his lips over mine, sweeping his tongue into my mouth, nipping at my lip—everything was urgent and desperate as his warm hands gripped and held my cold bottom and he thrust into me, pushing me back up against the wall of the house.