Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
If it’s
not
a date, most guys will let you know. They’ll use qualifiers—asking you to a concert might be a date, but asking you to a concert “because my buddy canceled on me and I don’t want to waste the ticket” is likely not. Again, since men tend to assume that every woman wants to fuck us, we’ll go out of our way to make it known when that’s not our intention. If you’re still unclear, just ask “Is this a date?” should be in every betch’s arsenal.
Ambiguous kisses,
Head Pro
SPARK NOTES
How you present yourself to the world and your first impressions are one of the most important things to master in the dating world. If you can’t get your foot in the door, you’ll never even have the opportunity to get into a real relationship.
Capturing a bro’s attention isn’t hard, especially if you’re a confident, funny betch who can master the subtle art of manipulation. The most important thing to remember is that the first few dates are all about keeping it fun and flirty and about looking hot without trying too hard. Here are the most important takeaways from this chapter.
•
If you want to meet guys in person, go out in small groups of three or fewer, make subtle eye contact, and look like you’re having a good time regardless of who’s paying attention.
•
When texting, keep it light and short. You don’t have fucking time to go on about your day with a stranger you shouldn’t give a shit about yet. If a guy isn’t asking you out after three days of texting, drop him like the KONY 2012 movement. Keep a lookout for signs that a guy is looking for a serious relationship and not just a fuck buddy. Where he takes you on dates, his texting style, and how much effort he’s putting into your meet-ups are all things to consider before mentally hiring a wedding calligrapher.
•
“Netflix and chill” is not a good fucking early-stage date. Be selective about who you’re giving your precious time to.
•
Keep shit casual and light on the first few dates and this will lead to more dates. If there’s ever a time to pretend to be “cool girl” who has a full, happy, exciting life it’s on dates 1 to 6.
A
t this point you’ve been on a solid handful of dates. Enough dates that you’ve told your friends about him at drunk brunch but not so many that you’re calling your grandma to tell her she can die happy now because her granddaughter has a shot in hell of getting married. Nothing has been defined and things are still casual. You’re anxiously looking for signs from him that this is getting more serious and hope that things aren’t going to fade into oblivion faster than you can say “romantic couples weekend trip.”
“What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me.”
—Haddaway
The MOST important thing to remember during this phase is to keep your head in reality and not to get caught up
in deranged thoughts of premature exclusivity or future plans. You are still having fun and hanging out. Here’s how to not freak this guy the fuck out.
As betches, we’re all about keeping it real. We don’t morph our personalities to date the bros we’re with and we don’t pretend to be someone we’re not so that others will like us. That’s what a nicegirl would do. However, TMI is real and can be the kiss of death for any relationship. There are certain things you should only reveal to your guy after he’s fallen madly in love with your soft skin and adept drunk-snapchatting abilities.
This isn’t to say that you should hide your inner crazy, but maybe wait until you’re comfortably dating to have a bloody fistfight with your sister in which you’re both pulling each other’s hair over the fact that she stole your Equipment shirt without asking. I mean, when a fisherman wants to eat cod, does he just go stabbing the water with a large knife? No, he first places some sexy bait on the hook until the fish bites and
then
he mutilates the shit out of it. Fucking duh.
Don’t Hold Back | You’re Going to Scare the Shit Out of Him |
That you’re really particular about what you eat. | If you have a tantrum when the avocado in your salad has already started to oxidize. |
That you’re well groomed and enjoy manicures and blowouts. | If you reveal you’re well groomed and enjoy waxing your upper lip. |
That some foods make you feel kind of sick. | If you tell him about your colonoscopy revealing your celiac disease. |
That your family annoys you sometimes. | If you scream at your dad on the phone because he refuses to pay your rent this month after he |
That you tend to be a bit messy. | If your room looks like something out of |
That you have a mild shopping addiction. | If you have thousands of dollars’ worth of Louboutins, but hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. |
Things Guys Do (and Continue to Do) That We Don’t Want You to Know About by Head Pro
Underlying our dating culture is an odd narrative: Unrefined bachelors flounder about as single men, until they meet a woman. When that happens, his relationship with her quickly transforms him into a more cultured, civilized animal, due in large part to a healthy dose of her feminine sophistication. It’s familiar, sure, but how fucking weird is that, when you think about it? There’s no antithesis, no reverse, no mention of men molding women into beer-swilling philanderers. The assumption is that men are turds to be polished, helpless without a woman to clean them up. Judd Apatow has used this trope to make more money than your life is literally worth, but that doesn’t make it any less bullshit.
Sure, some things change in the earliest stages of a relationship. A guy might make sure he’s showered before he goes out that day, or he may start laundering his towels more than, say, never if he suspects he might have company for the evening. But other than that, there are plenty of questionable habits endemic to not only single men, but men in general. He may not make it known, but the guy you’ve been texting is probably still doing the following things:
Jerking Off:
A lot of girls assume porn and monkey-spanking are just stopgaps guys use between periods of sexual activity.
Hardly. Sure, PornHub is there to get you through the lean times, but if you think about it, how fucking sad would it be if guys actually used masturbation as a stand-in for sex? Every guy’s different, but it’s safe to assume that whatever his porn habits before you met, they haven’t changed just because he is (or may soon be) getting some. It’s not about you; it’s about us. It’s entertainment, albeit very pleasurable entertainment. Fappers gonna fap, fap, fap, fap, fap. Never repeat the word “fap.” Thanks.
Creeping on His Ex:
Social media has made it more or less impossible to completely get away from people you’ve grown to know well. As such, from time to time, every guy likes to poke around Facebook, Instagram, etc., to see what she’s been up to. It’s human nature, and that doesn’t change the moment you meet someone new. It’s unreasonable to assume that the night you spent making out to “Can’t Feel My Face” on the dance floor and the ensuing texts will erase her from his memory. I mean, it eventually will, but that’s like, several chapters from now so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Chatting Up Other Girls:
Meeting someone you might click with is an awesome feeling, but we know just as well as you do that nothing’s certain. Show me a girl who’s hurt because she found out the guy she was into had like, four girls in his rotation, and I’ll show you a guy who’s bummed the girl he liked was just using him as a placeholder until whoever
she was into came around. That’s part of why, if we’re out with our bros, we’ll definitely engage in friendly conversation with girls even if we’re feeling you. Even in a more established relationship, we’ll still be polite, pleasant, and maybe even a little flirtatious if we find ourselves in that situation. It’s just good social skills, if you think about it. Would you want to be with a guy who shuts down every conversational invite with “Whoa, whoa. I’m sorry, but I have a girlfriend and can’t talk to you”? If you want a doormat, go to Target.
Living in Relative Filth:
I don’t think there’s any denying that—speaking in broad terms, of course—men are more oblivious to filth than women. Part of that is because our mothers generally did all of our shit for us when we were young, whereas there’s only a slight chance they imparted upon us the wisdom of, you know, actual cleanliness. It also doesn’t help that we spend four-plus years in college living around a bunch of
other
guys who have no idea what clean looks like, and so by the time we graduate we’re pretty desensitized to it. Even if a guy meets a girl and he can vaguely sense that he ought to tidy up, I guarantee you the sheets haven’t been washed in months and that he’s literally never cleaned the bathroom floor, just for instance. Fear not, we do grow out of it. Kind of.
Social media has changed the relationship game forever. No longer will your ex disappear into oblivion once you break up, and no longer will you only get insights into a person’s essence from simple conversation. Gone are the days when you could break up with your college boyfriend and not hear anything about him until you read his obituary in the newspaper or he showed up drunk and throwing punches at your husband at your ten-year reunion. You now have an entire identity that the world can pass judgment on in minutes and, believe us, they will.
The early stages of social media dating etiquette are pretty simple for betches. You don’t follow first, you get followed.
Hopefully you’ll have at least been on three dates before a guy requests you on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Vine, etc., because that’s long enough that he has a general sense of who you are before gaining social media access to you, i.e., before judging you solely based on that adorable picture of your new sandals that you uploaded at your beach house. If you don’t like him or you don’t know him that well, don’t accept. He could be a dangerous stalker or, worse, a cheesy commenter. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having some weirdo who comments “When am I seeing you again?” on your bikini picture, only to have to explain to your friends that it’s just a guy you made out with on spring break for like, forty-five seconds. Okay, fine, it’s a little flattering. But still unacceptable.
Yes, you should always follow back if you like the guy—but not immediately, you sad, desperate loser. Be aware that accepting a bro’s social media requests will mean you will get constant updates about where he is, what he’s doing, and whom he’s with. This is a Pandora’s box you may regret opening when pangs of jealousy overcome you. What girl hasn’t freaked the fuck out upon seeing a picture of a guy she’s seeing with his arm around another girl? You typed out a furious text only to realize that that girl is actually his cousin. Awkz.
Until you two are official, it’s best to be sparing with your interaction with social media. You can like his posts if he likes yours, and you can even make a cute comment if you’re feeling especially bold. Be reserved, though, because no one wants a girl who is staking claims in cyberspace on someone she doesn’t actually have.
Never, we repeat, NEVER upload a picture of the two of you before you have defined what you are. It is creepy and aggressive to upload a couple’s pic before you guys are a couple, and it’s never the power move. It will also be awkward when and if you get ghosted and your mom is texting you asking how your new boyfriend is and telling you that she already e-mailed the picture to your grandma, who thinks you two are going to make excellent-looking babies.
“It was once said that a person’s eyes are the windows to their soul. That was before people had cell phones.”
—Blair Waldorf,
Gossip Girl
What Would Karen Do?
Karen is insane on social media. When she likes a guy, she follows him immediately even if they’ve never technically spoken before. She likes all of his pictures and stalks out where he went last weekend so she can be sure to frequent the same bars. She’s about as subtle as herpes and she tries to assert her closeness to a guy she’s hooked up with by plastering his Instagram with comments and likes. Of course, he does not comment on any of her social media and will probably make fun of how obsessed with him she is to all of his friends.
If you happen to be dating a guy who’s a bit shady (good luck with that . . .), with Instagram geotags, Facebook privacy settings, and your amazing stalking skills, no longer will he be able to get away with claiming to stay in when he’s really going out; you will most definitely see the tagged pic of that bitch from his office at happy hour with him.
This is both good and bad news for you. Good because he can no longer get away with being a real life Don Draper and having dozens of side chicks while you think he just has a really late night at work. That said, some guys are easily jealous and your BF might get a little angry if he sees you on the shoulders of a random at Coachella because the view was just too good to pass up.
In general, it’s kind of lame for a guy to be obsessed with social media. Sure the occasional Knicks game friend pic or Snap with his bros at a charity event is fine, but if you’re with a guy who takes mirror pics, posts excessive selfies, or overfilters you’ll definitely want to reconsider your relationship. Nothing is lamer than a guy who takes shirtless pics or seeks validation via social media. If your boyfriend has the social media presence of a Kardashian it probably means he’s an insecure attention-seeker, self-obsessed, or a closet homosexual.