I Ain't Scared of You (11 page)

They play the mind games . . .

Now, here come the tears. Muh'fuckas tryin' to make you feel bad for doing good . . .

Ain't that some shit? They gon' quote the Bible! I said to myself,
Look at these muthafuckas.

I just go on. I don't never get paid back. I got so much money out there, I could get me three houses. Straight up. And each one of them would be over $200,000. Personal loans, saving homes, people sayin' they going to school—and then don't go. I done helped out with all kinds of shit.

And if you do ever pay me back, knowing me, you put the money in my hand and I'll probably turn around and say, “You keep it.”

I just want to see you know the principle. I don't want your money. I just want you to do what you say you gon' do. I ain't no loan officer.

If it ain't problems over the money, it's problems over a sum'bitch bein' jealous. Now like I said before, I ain't really a jealous guy. I don't get mad at other people for what they got.

But it's a whole bunch of jealous sum'bitches out there. I see 'em. They got what I call the “combo look.” That's when you jealous as
hell, but you try to smile like you ain't jealous. But a frown mean you jealous than a muthafucka. A muthafucka smile and frown at you, he jealous. With that combo look? That muh'fucka jealous.

Them combo looks a muh'fucka, boy. I even seen those combo looks on award shows. You can tell that muthafucka don't like that muthfucka who won. The announcer will be like, “And the winner is Denzel Washington.”

You see them on the shows, clapping and trying to keep that fake smile on. Clappin', frownin', and smilin' at the same damn time. He mad than a muh'fucka.

I get niggas comin' up to me with that same bullshit. Wearin' that combo look, but be trying to act like everything cool: “Saw you on the news, Bernie man! Heh-heh. Go on and get your fo' million! Go on get your money, man . . . heh-heh . . . I ain't mad at ya!”

Sheeiiittt.
He mad as hell. Bend your ass over, that muthafucka'll put a hammer to your head.

When you're successful, women got a way of gettin' yo' ass. They'll tell on you when you successful. They see you on TV or something, they gotta tell.

Now, if I'm a bum or something and she gave me some, and they see me on the corner and I'm scratching, all that kind of shit . . .

I'm telling you man, people are funny.

As a comedian, there are certain subjects I stay away from. Like politics. I'm not into politics. I'm not a politician. Everybody don't have a view. Some people just want to get up in the morning and live their lives with their families and mind their damn business. Everbody ain't in on current events, you know what I'm saying? But people always try to make you: “What do you think about foreign policy?”

I don't think a
got
-damn thing about foreign policy. My life is foreign as it is.

What you see is what you get. And I tell it like it is each and every day. I walk in rooms by myself. I ain't got no posse. I don't
need a bodyguard. I ain't runnin' for Congress. Man, I'm a comedian.

What the fuck I need a posse for? Who the fuck wanna assassinate a comedian? That's like fuckin' wit' Bozo.

Next thing you know, it was a black thing. You had to have a posse.

I'm the odd man out because I don't fall into what is now a tradition of having 20 sum'bitches with you. I'm not that insecure. I don't live like that. I don't like a lot of people around me because it's trouble. Your problem become my problem. Just because I'm a billionaire, don't mean I want to buy drinks everytime I see you. I don't give a fuck if I got a $100 million, I don't want to buy dinner every night. Gimme a apple. Buy me a Falstaff. Gimme a thank-you card.

Bernie Mac and friends...

Bodyguards, groupies—see, all that's bullshit. I don't pay groupies no attention. My mentality ain't there. I see 'em, but I
don't
see 'em. Titties out. Booty out. You want me to come home to
that?
Fake mole on ya lip and shit. Hairdo this goddamn high. Tattoos every doggone where.

You ain't wearing no draws—how I'm gon' call you my broad? I don't like women who are the same. I ain't gon' call 'em a hoochie, but you're the same. You come a dime a dozen.

I see it everyday. Look on
Soul Train.
It's on the videos. Lookin' like a basketball player, tattoos all up on her arm. You look nasty. You look like you stank!

I always been a people person, and I've always had love for my fans. My fans made me, and I know it.

But some fans I just can't mess with.

Like yesterday, right? I was in my ride on my way home, and I noticed that the whole way there was this car following me. I was gettin' off the expressway at my stop and, all of a sudden, this car gon' swerve all the way over onto the shoulder.

I'm lookin' through my rearview mirror. Scared an' shit, right?

Then they pulled up on the side of me: “Hey, Bernie Mac, hey! Hey! Yeah, man, hahahahaaaaa, I love yo' shit, nigga.”

I sped the fuck up.

These sum'bitches
followed
me. They were like, “Roll the window down, muh'fucka! Hahahahaah! Roll the window down!”

Man, I pulled off.

I know they talked about me like a dog. But I ain't give a fuck.

I love my fans, but I ain't givin' in to no foolishness. I love me some fans.

I don't think about them, though. You're cheating yourself. It's not those who get there first. It's those who get there and stay there the longest. I've got the patience of Job. I've been waiting a
long time. I ain't been the first to do a damn thing. I know I'm going to be standing. Get off. Go ahead. I can write. I can think. I believe. I got faith. That's something a lot of them cats don't have. They want it quick. Put 'em in, bam, pop up. “I want what you got.” One part is cold, one part is hot. The middle is lukewarm. Bake me! Take your time. Put me on 350, check me every now and then, make sure I pop up and
bam!
I'm Doug E. Fresh. I got the patience of Job.

I see other comics. I watch 'em. I hear 'em. I don't listen to the voices:
Ooo, he funny!
I just say okay. I ain't got nothing negative to say about nobody. I can't gain nothing beating you down to build myself up. I don't deal with toxic waste. I can show you better than I can tell you. Might take a little time, but it's gotta be seasoned.

I just look at it like I'm in training, man. So when the time comes for me, I'm ready. I'm ready. I've been in the gym. You can't stop me. I got the head weights on. I ain't soft. You can't get in here. I don't hear the voices. If I had listened to them, I'd never be where I am right now. That's their job to discourage me. That's people's job to say that. “That's all right. This is wack.” That's their job. So when you listen to them, you can stop being focused and stop doing what you're doing.

When I first started putting my family into my bits, they were mad than a muthafucka: “You sitting up there telling our family business. It ain't none of their business. Everything ain't funny, Bernie.”

They're mad until they see the people's reaction. Then when they see the reaction, it's, “That's me! He talking about me!”

See it's a different thang then. At first, it was, “Old black muthafucka gonna sit up there and tell our business! ‘Hee-hee' my ass! You gonna have people thinking I'm crazy! I don't be doing that!”

Then they saw the people's reaction, and they changed. Like they getting some residuals or something.

People tell me I look a little different nowadays than I did when a lot of people first saw me on
Def Comedy Jam
way back when. Back then, I used to wear glasses. They was funny looking, but that's not why I wore them. I wore them because I couldn't see.

I wasn't caring about them people. You lucky I ain't come out with no dog!

*  *  * 

What people have to say about me doesn't bother me, whether I'm on stage or off. I don't care.

And one thing I sure don't do: I don't let no heckler take me out of my show. The best way to deal with a heckler is let him take his self out. Because most hecklers want to be you. They're jealous. Most hecklers think they funny. Or they funny with their boys. Most of them have to be high in order to even try to get some attention. You got false confidence right there. They around all these people and they hollering out your name. “Go, Bernie!” Or, “Go, whoever it is!”

That just boils his ass, “Oh, this muthafucka ain't all that. Fuck that black muthafucka. Look at that old loud-ass suit. Juggle some balls, nigga! Clown-ass nigga!”

They got to put you down to build themselves up. That's what most hecklers are. But inexperienced comedians don't know how to deal with them. First of all, can't nobody hear that sumbitch but the few people around him, okay? So, if you let him keep on, they gon' kick his ass for you. Because ain't nobody pay no $30 or $40 to hear this stupid sum'bitch. So, if you talking and got the microphone and hear somebody go,
“Ohhh”
you know they done threw that muthafucka off the balcony. You let the brother hang his self.