Authors: Jennifer Foor
Chapter 31
Charlie
After a long night of love making, I woke up to being alone in bed. It was never a big concern because Jammer was always out doing something with my little brother. I got up like I normally did, first going into the bathroom and brushing my teeth, before making my way into the kitchen.
Jammer always made coffee in the morning. It was something that I appreciated so much. I think he just hated the fact that I was such a grump without it. Ryan was on the couch watching cartoons and I smiled as I headed straight for a clean cup. It wasn't uncommon for Jammer to have already walked downstairs or gone into his room to change. Yeah, we shared a room, but he kept his things in the back bedroom since I had so much of my own.
When I got to the kitchen and saw the folded up piece of paper, I thought nothing of it. Figuring that he probably had something to do, I continued to make my coffee. Looking back, I guess I should have known that there was something wrong. I
mean, my life didn’t exactly go as planned, but still, I wanted to think that Jammer and I would be together to see things through. After all, I was completely in love with him. The things that my heart made me feel for Jammer were so intense. He owned every single inch of my body and I wanted to be with him completely. Aside from giving me hope, he’d given me the missing piece of the family that I had so long desired. His compassion and heart, that he kept hidden inside of his rough and tattooed looking appearance, was the most intense thing I'd ever experienced. Even before I knew him, there was probably some kind of spark between us.
I looked over at my brother watching television. He loved his cartoons and I wondered if Jammer had turned them on before he ran his errand. When I thought about him going to see his disgusting father, I grabbed the letter and began to worry. Nothing could have prepared me for what that little white paper held inside of it.
Charlie,
For so long I felt like I was happy with my life. I've drifted around from place to place, never wanting to settle down and change the person that I had become. As you already know, the only reason I came to town was to see your father. I owed him and wanted to give him the thanks he deserved. After meeting you and finding out that you were having trouble, I felt inclined to help you. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't feel the immediate connection between us. It was intense and I became curious why it was even happening. I don't usually connect with girls, I just fuck them.
So after spending time with you, I thought that maybe we could really be having something. The more time we spent, the more intense my feelings became. Honestly, I tried to fight them, because Charlie, I'm not the kind of guy that settles down and plays house. For what it's worth, I gave it my all. I tried to be happy with the little family scene. But, I guess all good things must come to an end. I can't do this anymore. I can't stay and pretend that I want this kind of future with you or anyone else.
Playing pool is all I've ever been good at, so I figure that this way it is a win win for both of us. Me leaving gives you back
full ownership of the tavern. By the time you read this, I will have already been to the lawyer’s office and released my quarter ownership to you and Ryan. Please don't try to stop me. I think it's best if this is the last contact we have. I can understand that this is going to hurt your feelings.
I hope one day you can forgive me for giving you false hope. I want you to be happy, Charlie; I just can't be the one to do that for you. Bottom line is, I've been lying to you from the beginning. I knew we would never work out. Like I said before, I'm just not that kind of guy.
I know you're going to question if I ever loved you. Honestly, I don't know what love is. Sure, I had intense feelings, but I think it tells you something if all I wanted to do was walk away.
Take care of yourself, Lena.
My deepest apologies,
John (Jammer)
I think I was already crying when I read the first sentence. This had to be a bad dream. How could something so beautiful not have been real? I felt it. This made no sense.
Was he lying the whole time we were together?
I leaned my body onto the counter top and covered my face with my hands. I couldn't control the tears and sheer emptiness that was overwhelming me. He was gone. He took everything I had felt for him and mimicked it for what? Was this how he lived his life? Did he just travel from place to place seducing women into thinking they were special? It made no sense.
How could I have not known the real him?
More tears came and soon I felt two little arms reaching around me. "What's wrong, Charlie?"
I tried to wipe my eyes, but the tears just kept falling from my eyes. "Jammer's gone."
"Well, when will he be back?" He loved him so much.
I closed my eyes and crouched down to hug my brother. When I pulled away and looked at his face, I knew I had to tell him the truth. "He's...he's not coming back, Ry."
He started to cry immediately. "Charlie, tell him I'm sorry for getting sick. I didn't mean to make him mad. Please tell him I feel better now and he can come home. I won't get sick anymore, I promise."
My poor little brother thought that because he got sick, Jammer had decided to leave. He didn't understand that people would never leave for that reason. "Oh, Ry, he didn't leave because you got sick. He left because..." It was so hard to say out loud. "He left because he didn't love me." More tears fell and I leaned my head on my brother's shoulder.
He rubbed my back like an adult would do. "It's okay, Charlie. I won't ever leave you. I love you."
I cried more. Maybe it was because of Jammer, but part was because I really did have someone that loved me unconditionally. I felt the connection to my brother and knew that it was a real love. Sure, he was a little kid, but we were a family, with or without Jammer. "I love you, too."
I pulled away from him and wiped his eyes, while he tried to wipe mine. I leaned into his little hand on my cheek. "He's going to come back, you know."
He was so confused. "I wish that were the truth, Ry. He says he isn't the kind of guy to live in one place. He likes to travel and we can't do that. You have school and I have to run the tavern." I was trying to assure him that it wasn't because of him.
"Charlie, Jammer is going to come back because he loves you too."
I cried even more. "I wish that were true. Sometimes the person you love doesn't love you back."
He nodded his head. "I know, my mother didn't love me back. She didn't want me."
I was shocked that the little guy felt that way. "Why would you say that?"
He looked down at the floor. "She used to yell it all the time. That's why Daddy made her leave. Daddy always loved me."
I wondered if everything I had ever known about my father wasn't true. Lydia had told me about a completely different person than I knew him to be. "Your Mommy was a fool. Anyone that meets you loves you. I will never ever leave you, Ry. We are a team forever, I promise." I wrapped my arms around my brother
and realized that he was hurting just as much as I was. He'd lost everything, but together we could get through it.
"I want Jammer to come back."
I stood up and leaned against the counter. The pain of that letter and the words it contained ripped into my mind again. I wanted to scream out how angry and hurt I felt. Jammer knew all about my life and all that I had lost. How could he think that spending every single second of the last month with me was going to be easy for me to forget? I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare that was obviously my reality.
Knowing that my brother had to go to preschool, I focused on getting him ready. I cried the whole time, while my brother pouted in his own way. I knew he was just as sad. Sure, he didn't feel the connection like I felt to Jammer, but he loved him in his own way. Jammer didn't just walk away from me, he left my brother too. He showed us what it was like to be a family and then he walked away, leaving us even more broken than we were before.
To solidify his actions, he had gone as far as going to the attorney's office and signed over ownership. Then it came to me...
This was all premeditated. He knew he was going to leave me before he did it. He knew last night that he was leaving me, but he still slept with me anyway. Who does something like that?
It took all of my strength to get my brother off to school. I didn't even make it upstairs before I lost it. I slouched down at the base of the stairs and let myself struggle to find meaning to what was going on. For the first time, I had let myself love and for the first time I had hope of a future. That hope was gone and I was left with pain. It was a pain that I swore I'd never let myself feel again. I knew I needed to shut down, but I couldn't. I didn't want to think about the way he touched me, or about the way he always protected me. It killed me to know that I'd given myself to someone that had lied to me the whole time. He was so good at it, to be able to convince me that his feelings were real, when they clearly weren't. He said those words that changed my life. I'd been a fool, to let myself fall so fast for someone that clearly had used me. I shouldn't have been surprised, with our family history the way it was, he probably saw me as a charity case.
I managed to get myself together enough to call Elle. I think she was already running off the campus to her car when she
heard me crying. She was sitting in front of me about an hour later. I couldn't talk to her about it, but she held me and let me cry without asking. After she read the letter, she seemed more confused than upset for me. From crying so much, I'd exhausted myself, so Elle suggested I go lie down and let her attempt to work the lunch shift downstairs. Shaun was there for support and I told Elle not to tell him what had happened. I didn't want anyone saying they told me so. I woke up around two and had calmed myself enough to walk downstairs. Halfway down the steps, I met Zach. He pulled me into his arms and carried me back upstairs.
Once he sat me down on the couch, he backed away and waited for me to tell him what was going on. "Elle called me. She told me to get my ass here pronto. What did that fucker do to you, Charlie? I knew he was trouble. You can't let a guy into your life that fast."
"I know, I mean, I know that now. Oh my God, I messed up so bad. How could I have been so careless?"
He pushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ears, and then he leaned his forehead against mine and kissed it. "I'll stay with you for a couple days until I know you're okay."
I shook my head. "I can't ask you to do that. You can't miss your classes."
"I insist. My schedule is easy this semester and I have straight A's. You're my best friend. No matter what, I have your back."
I reached down and grabbed his hands. "It hurts so much. I feel like I love him even more now that he's gone. Is that possible? I mean, I feel so empty. I just want it to not be real. I want him to walk in that door and hold me like he did every night. How am I ever going to get over this? I don't want to let go, I just can't."
"You're going to be okay."
I shook my head. "No, it's not. I'm never going to be okay. He's all I want but he doesn't want me. I'm never going to forget about him. There was this connection between us. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. This isn't right. I know he loves me."
"Charlie, don't do this to yourself."
I kept shaking my head. "He has to come back to me. I don't want this without him."
"You're talking like you've been together for years. It was one month."
I got up and started pacing. "No, you don't understand. He called me Lena. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't love me. He's always loved Lena."
Zach looked at me like I was crazy. "Who the hell is Lena?"
"I'm Lena. I'm his Lena."
"Charlie, you're losing your mind."
I sat down in front of him again. "I'm not giving up on him, not when every bone in my body is telling me that something is wrong with all of this. You can tell me that I'm crazy, but I refuse to give up on him."
This couldn't be the end of me and Jammer. It just couldn't be.
Chapter 32
Jammer
It had to be a lie. I just kept telling myself that. There was no way that Charlie could be my sister. As creepy and sick as it sounded to say, I had trouble convincing myself that it was not a possibility.
I knew my mother was home when I saw her car in the driveway. I rang the bell, and was fully prepared to climb over the damn fence. This shit needed to be dealt with immediately.
"Hello?"
"Mom, open the gate."
It began to open and I wedged my way inside of it before it stopped moving. My mother met me at the door and I think she recognized the look on my face as being pissed. I didn't wait to be sitting to talk to my mother. I grabbed her by the arm and swung her around to face me. "Is she my sister?"