How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (4 page)

Any two people can have wildly different attitudes toward the same set of experiences.
However, when two people react to the same experience with the same attitude, they share a powerful natural bond. Attitudes have the tendency to be
infectious, and because they are rooted in emotional interpretation of experiences, they
can be distorted and shaped; they can be wound up or wound down.

What happens when people lose control and become angry? They look belligerent (body
language), their voice tone is harsh and they use menacing words. They can be very scary
to be around. From the point of view of making people like you, or even getting willing
cooperation, we call this a Really Useless Attitude. How often have you seen infuriated
parents berating their children for knocking over the bananas at the supermarket? Or
bored, uninterested shop assistants? Or cranky, impatient doctors? They are all putting
out useless attitudes.

how to make people like you

I'm not saying whether this is right or wrong; I'm just pointing out that from a
communications standpoint it doesn't deliver the message very well. Assuming they have a
message. And that's often the point. Useless attitudes tend to come from people who
don't know what they really want from their communication.

Remember, the “K” in “KFC” stands for “Know what you want.” If you don't know what you
want, there's no message to deliver and no basis for connecting with other people.

Most people think in terms of what they don't want as opposed to what they do want, and their attitudes reflect this. “I don't want my boss yelling at me anymore”
comes with a whole different attitude than “1 want my boss's job” or “I want to be
promoted.” Similarly, “I'm sick of selling neckties all day long” sends a completely
different attitude and set of signals to your imagination than does “I want to run a
charter fishing boat in Honey Harbor.”

Your imagination is the strongest force that you possessstronger than willpower. Think
about it. Your imagination projects sensory experiences in your mind through the language
of pictures, sounds, feelings, smells and tastes. Your imagination distorts reality. It
can work for you or against you. It can make you feel terrific or miserable. So the better the information you can feed into your imagination,
the better it can organize your thinking and your attitudes and ultimately your life.

It's Your Choice he good news is that attitudes are yours to select.

And if you're free to choose any one you please, why not choose a Really Useful Attitude?

Let's say you just flew into Miami International Airport and you missed your connection
for Omaha. You simply have to get on the next flight at all costs, so you go up to the
airline desk and shout at the representative. This is a Really Useless Attitude. If what
you want is to get the attendant's maximum help, the best thing you can do is to find a
Really Useful Attitude that will create rapport and get his cooperation.

I'll probably regret saying this, but I've talked my way out of dozens of
automobile-related tickets (I've also failed a few times) and not just for parking infrac
tions. I'm absolutely convinced that if I'd started by telling the officer his radar was
off or by losing my temper and getting angry and telling him I'm the mayor's cousin and
I'll never visit this town again, I'd be doomed from the start. If I want the officer to
like me, to be understanding and not give me a ticket, then I have to assume a Really
Useful Attitude like “I'm sorry”

or “Fair enough” or “My, what a fool I am” or “Oh wow, yes, thanks!”

The last time I got stopped, the officer followed me into the village supermarket parking
lot and pulled to a stop across the back of my car; I got out and walked to his car. From
his physical appearance, with his beard and body set, I figured he was a Kinesthetic, or
feelingbased person (you'll learn more about this later), so the first words out of my
mouth were “Fair and square.” That's because there was no doubt I was in the wrong. He
gave me a well-deserved speech about what I'd done and let me off with a warning. The
point is that my attitude set the tone of the encounterbecause I knew what I wanted.

In face-to-face situations, your attitude precedes you. It is the central force in your
lifeit controls the quality and appearance of everything you do.

It doesn't take much imagination to dream up some Really Useless Attitudesanger,
impatience, conceit, boredom, cynicismso why not take a moment to contemplate and feel a
Really Useful Attitude? When you meet someone for the first time, you can be curious,
enthusiastic, inquiring, helpful or engaging. Or my favoritewarm. There's something
intoxicating about warm human contact; in fact, scientists have discovered that it can generate the release of opiates in the brainhow about that for a Really Useful Attitude?

Needless to say, all the above are more useful than revenge and disrespect.

Ask yourself, “What do I want, right now, at this moment? And which attitude will serve me best?” Remember, there are only two types of attitudes to consider

You know how certain sounds can remind you of something special in your life? When I was
eight, my mother took me to a resort where I stood next to a man making fresh doughnuts
while Paul Anka sang “Diana” in the background. Now, whenever I hear this song, it
triggers the smell of fresh doughnuts and the memory of that happy holiday. It's the song that triggers the
memory. A trigger can be a sound or something visual. It can also be a feeling or action.
And believe it or not, it can be a clenched fist.

Follow the steps below, and you'll see what I mean. Use the hand you write with and clench
your fist tightly. Then release. Repeat the action a couple of times. This will be your
trigger. 1. Pick a Really Useful Attitudeone that you know will be useful when you first meet someone. It can be curious, resourceful, warm or patient, or
any attitude you think will work for you. But it must be one that you have experienced at
some time in your life and can recall on demand.

2. Find a comfortable spot, quiet and not too bright, where you won't be disturbed for 10 minutes. Sit down, place
both feet on the floor, breathe slowly into your abdomen

(not your chest) and relax.

3. Now you're ready. Close your eyes and picture a time in your life when you felt the attitude you have
chosen. In your mind's eye, make a picture of this specific event. Put in all the detail
you can remember. What was in the foreground and background? Is the picture sharp or
fuzzy, black-and-white or color? Is it large or small? Take your time and make it as real
as you can. Now step into that picture and look out through your own eyes. Take note of
what you see.

4. Next, bring up the sounds associated with this picture. Notice where the sounds come from: the left, the right, in front or behind? How loud or
soft are they? What kinds of sounds are they? Music? Voices? Listen to the tone and the
volume and the rhythm. Listen deeply, and the sounds will come flooding back. Listen to
the quality of each sound and try to hear how it contributes to your chosen attitude.

5. Bring in the physical sensations associated with the event: the feel of the things around you, the air temperature, your clothing, your hair, what
you're standing or sitting on. Next, notice the feelings inside your body. Where do they
begin? Perhaps they move around in your body. Move your concentration deep into these
wonderful feelings and enjoy them. Ride with them. Notice any smells and tastes that want
to be included, and savor >them, too.

6. With your “outside” eyes still closed, look out through your “inside” eyes again at the scene. Make the pictures sharper,
brighter, bolder and bigger. Make the sounds stronger, clearer, purer and more perfect.
Make the feelings stronger, richer, deeper, warmer. Follow the intensity of the
feelings if they move from one place to another, then loop them back to the beginning and
intensify them. Loop them over and over as they get stronger and stronger. Let the feeling
flood all over you.

7. Make everything twice as big and strong and pure. Then double it again. And again. Now your whole body and mind are luxuriating in the
experience of it all. Seeing it, hearing it, feeling it. Make the sensations as strong
as you can, and just when you can't make them any stronger, double them one more time and
clench your fist hard and fast as you anchor the height of the experience to your trigger.
Feel the sensations pour through you. Intensify them again, then clench your fist at the
height of the feelings and release. Relax your hand and feel the sensations pour through
your body. Do this one more time, then relax your hand and the rest of your body. Come
down in your own time and relax.

Wait a minute or so, then test your trigger. Make a tight fist and notice the feelings
rush into all your senses. Test it again after a couple of minutes. You are ready to use
this Really Useful Attitude whenever you want.

when we are dealing with fellow humans: useful and useless.

How many times have you seen a newsmaker give a TV interview when she's frustrated? Or a
salesperson serve you in a store when he clearly wishes he were somewhere else, a
colleague who is sarcastic to the very person who can get the photocopying done faster if
desired, or passengers being rude to the cab driver who is the only person with the means
to get them to the church on time? These are all Really Useless Attitudes. As far as
communication is concerned, they are virtually guaranteed to fail.

A Really Useful Attitude is one of the major delivery vehicles of the likability factorand
it works like a charm. Your posture, your movements and your expression will speak
volumes about you before you even open your mouth.

The sooner you know what you want and which is the most useful attitude to help you get
it, the sooner your body language and your voice and your words will change to help you
get it.

The conclusion is obvious. People who know what they want tend to get it because they are
focused and positive, and this is reflected outward and inward in their attitude. Take on
a cheery attitude the next time you meet someone new and see how your whole being changes
to the part. Your look will be cheery, you'll how to make people Like you sound cheery and you'll use cheery words. This is the full
“communication package.” Other people make major adjustments in their responses to you
based on the signals you transmit. The next chapter will take a detailed look at how these
signals combine to present a positive image.

away from the fact that image and appearance are important when meeting someone for the first time.

Dressing well goes a long way toward making a positive impression as you begin to establish rapport, but how do you make people warm to you? And how do you project the likable parts of your own unique personality?

our body language, which includes your posture,

X your expressions and your gestures, accounts for more than one-half of what other people respond to and make assumptions about.

how to make people Like you in 90 seconds or Less When people think of body language, they
tend to think it means what happens from the neck down. But much of what we communicate to
othersand what they make assumptions aboutcomes from the neck up. Facial gestures and nods
and tilts of the head have a vocabulary that equals or exceeds that of the body from the
neck down.

The signals we send with our bodies are rich with meaning and global in their scope. Some
of them are hardwired into us at birth; others are picked up from our society and culture.
Everywhere on the planet, panic induces an uncontrollable shielding of the heart with the
hands and/or a freezing of the limbs. A smile is a smile on all continents, while sadness
is displayed through down-turned lips as often in New York as in Papua New Guinea. The
clenched fists of determination and the open palms of truth convey the same message in
Iceland as they do in Indonesia.

And no matter where on earth you find yourself, mothers and fathers instinctively cradle
their babies with the head against the left side of their body, close to the heart. The
heart is at the heart of it. Facial expressions and body language are all obedient to
the greater purpose of helping your body maintain the well-being of its center of feeling,
mood and emotionyour heart.

Volumes have been written about body language, but when all is said and done, this form of communication can be broken down into two rather broad categories: open and closed. Open body language
exposes the heart, while closed body language defends or protects it. In establishing
rapport, we can also think in terms of inclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures.

Open body language exposes your heart and body (within limits of decency, of course!) and
signals cooperation, agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval. These gestures are
meant to be seen. They show trust. They say “YES!”

Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously, with no directions from you, it
transmits your thoughts and feelings in a language of its own to the bodies of other
people, and these bodies understand the language perfectly. Any contradictions in the
language can interrupt the development of rapport.

In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book, Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures. These gestures include open
hands and uncrossed arms as well as the occasional subtle movement toward the other person
that says “I am with you” and shows acceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When used together, such gestures say
“Things are going well.”