How to Bake the Perfect Wedding Cake (18 page)

“Oh-kay. Do you want me to pick you up from work?” Jack’s voice is steady but I know he knows something is up.
Obviously.

“No, I’ll meet you at home. I’m already driving.”

“All right, be safe.”

Safe. Yeah…I thought I was being safe. I thought we were being safe and using protection and all that great stuff and yet here I am with a positive pregnancy test wrapped up in paper towels in my purse. A bit gross perhaps, but I couldn’t just throw it away at work. I grabbed another test on my lunch so that I can take one again at home with Jack. Who knows, maybe this test will be right. Maybe it will prove that the first one was one of those wacky instances of a false positive. Stranger things have happened I’m sure.

Jack is waiting for me in the garage as the door pulls up. He must have rushed over from work and sped the entire way as there is no way he would have beat me here otherwise.

“Hey.” Jack opens the door for me and I step out.

“Hey.” I bite my lip. I’m not going to have this conversation in the garage. It needs to be in a nice environment and preferably with wine. My shoulders slump. I can’t have wine. Well at least not until this new test proves otherwise. I’m sure it will be a negative.
One hundred percent.
Yes.

We climb the stairs together in silence. The creaks of the stairs and the swish of my skirt sound louder than seems possible. Inside, I drop my purse and almost as if on cue, the paper towel that held my test rolls out and onto the floor.
Are you kidding me?
Jack eyes the test and then looks back to me. He kneels down and picks it up sans paper towel and glances up at me. The largest grin possible forms at the sides of his mouth and his cool blues sparkle like a million stars shining in a night sky of possibilities.

He stands up and reaches his arms around me. “Lauren, this is incredible news.” He squeezes me tight and then pulls back. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t too tight was it?”

I laugh. “No.”

“Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Do you want some water?” He leads me over to the couch and I do sit down.

“I’m fine.”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Fine?” The sides of his mouth lower from their flashy grinning state. “You’re not happy about this, are you?”

I swallow. “I’m in shock. And one test doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true either.”

Jack guffaws. “Lauren, false positives are as rare as a blue moon. I have to say I’m surprised too. I know I was hinting around about it but to see the actual proof.” He shakes his head and runs both of his massive hands through his hair. Those huge hands will be holding our baby soon someday…months away. I swallow.

“I bought another test. I’m going to take it.” I stand up and dig through my purse for the test that chose not to fall out. I make my way to the bathroom and close the door on Jack and his hopeful face.

It’s not that I don’t want to be a mother…it’s just not something I had planned on happening so early. I haven’t considered the idea of whether I would be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. The responsibility of taking care of another human being frightens me to say the least. I stare at the little circle that determines my fate. A knock comes from the other side of the door.

“Can I watch with you?”

My shoulders slump. I’m really being ridiculous. This also affects Jack and his life and I’m trying to shut him out of the experience, including the results. I open the door and he pulls me into his arms.

“Lauren, I love you.” He breathes into my ear. I turn and face him.

“I love you. And I do want to have your baby; I’m just really overwhelmed and afraid. I’m not ready to be a parent.”

“I don’t know that anyone ever really is. But you will be a wonderful mother.” Jack tips my chin up so that our eyes meet, followed by our lips. I’m escaping into my place of comfort and security. All of my fears and insecurities seem to disappear when I’m surrounded by Jack’s love. His warm embrace, his scent of sandalwood and apples, the taste of his mouth, he evokes all of my senses and here I stand before him wondering if one line will change all of that? Will becoming parents change us?

Chapter Fourteen

Brianna hands me another dress through the stall. “I have to be honest, if today’s hunt didn’t happen I was going to have to kidnap you to make it happen. You know you don’t have much time left before the big day.”

I laugh. Brianna has no idea I might need a dress that hides a little baby bump. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be in my first or second trimester by that point. I wanted to wait to tell her until after my doctor’s appointment, which is scheduled in a few days. A few more moments of Brianna thinking that we are just the two of us hanging out together versus the three of us is not a big deal. Besides, I have to finally tell her that I asked Megan to be my matron of honor.

“I know…I wish I had found a dress already myself, but I want it to be the perfect one.” I slide into the dress she’s given me. It doesn’t look like much on the hanger and I swear it looks familiar. But who knows, I’ve tried on so many dresses in the past few weeks that I am in a daze of white gauze, brocade, chiffon, and lace. It’s like I’m in a sea of white and off-white and I can’t find my way to the dress that is destined to be mine. I’m sure I’ll know it when I see it on. It’s probably like love—you just know it when you’ve got it.

The dress clerk, who is not one for chitchat, buttons up my back and nods. Much like giving me a cue that her work is done and she is going to give me a moment alone with my dress.

I take a step back and gaze at myself in the mirror. This dress is truly gorgeous. I’m at a loss for words. This is it. I can see myself marrying Jack in this dress. I just need confirmation from Brianna and this dress will be in the bag.
Ha!

The door pushes open and Brianna gasps.

“This is it, isn’t it? It has to be. Lauren, you look completely amazing and you don’t even have on your wedding makeup.” Brianna clasps her hands over her heart.

I let out half giggle. “I’m going to take that as a compliment, I guess.”

Brianna flits her eyelashes. “This is so beautiful! We have to go and celebrate. Here, let me take a picture.” She digs in her purse and begins snapping photos of me as if she is catching a celeb eating a donut while leaving the gym.

“Okay, I’m sure you’ve got enough. Can you help me out of it?” I motion for her to join me in the dressing room. She unfastens the dress and as I step out, she squirms.

“What?”

“I think you might have a visit from the crimson tide.” She points down at my leg. Which has a line of red trailing down. I gasp.

“Oh no.” I clutch my mouth.

“It’s no big, Lauren. I’ve got a spare tampon if you need it.” She hangs
the dress
up and digs through her purse.

“No, I don’t want a tampon.” I try to fight back the tears.

“Okay, well maybe one of the ladies here has a pad. I’ll go check.” Brianna opens the door. I crumple to the floor. She rushes back to me.

“Are you having bad cramps?”

“No. I don’t feel anything.” Tears trickle down my face.

“That’s a good thing then, right? No cramps, no pains?” She tosses her head from side to side.

“No, it’s not. Brianna…I’m, or I was, pregnant.”

“What?”

“Yeah.” The tears fall down my face and I begin sobbing. The attendant knocks on the door.

“Is everything all right?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Brianna stands up and opens the door. “She is going to take this one.” Always the planner, she is able to push past this moment and handle the issue of making sure I don’t miss out on the dress.

And now I’m going to miss out on being a mother. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how much I wanted this baby. Jack’s baby. Tears of sadness fall from my eyes. I can’t imagine telling Jack. What if he thinks I caused this? What if I did? What if my lack of enthusiasm was showing for the baby? I shudder.

“Honey, I’m going to handle the dress situation and give you a moment, okay?”

I nod. “My wallet is in my purse.”

Brianna grabs for my purse and leaves me alone on the floor. I sit with my knees pulled into my body and let all the sadness and despair fall from my eyes.

I don’t know how long it’s been but there is a soft knock on the outside of the dressing room and Jack steps inside.

“Jack?”

“Brianna called me from your phone. Let me help you get dressed.” He places my shirt over my head and pulls me to my feet. I slide into my pants like a zombie. I let Jack guide my every movement and when we reach his car I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes. I wish this was all a bad dream. The bumps of the ride are proof that it is not.

The car stops and I wait for Jack to come to my side of the car. I don’t even open my eyes until I hear the click of the door. Jack reaches around my back and helps me out of the car.

“Why are we at the hospital?” I take in the large gray building. The emergency sign is bright red, just like the blood that was on my leg.

“Lauren, you have to see a doctor.”

“I’m bleeding; the baby is gone.” Tears begin flowing from my eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t as excited about it as you. I didn’t want to lose the baby. I wanted it too… I just didn’t think I was ready. We had no plan.”

“Sshh, come on…everything is going to be okay.” Jack breathes into my ear.

“No it’s not; the baby is gone. I lost it.” I don’t even want to say that but it’s true.

“Lauren, you have to see a doctor. Come on.”

I let him lead me into the hospital and sit down in one of the uncomfortable vinyl chairs while he checks me in. I don’t know anyone who is a fan of hospitals with the bright fluorescent lights and cold stark atmosphere but the emergency room seems to be the worst place possible. So many faces filled with anguish and sadness. Here I sit just like the rest of them. My heart is breaking and aching over the possibility of what could have been.

The nurse calls my name and I follow behind her with Jack at my side. They go over how far along I think I am and then put me on the bed and we wait as the ultrasound machine glides over my stomach. The gel is cold and the machine vibrates with noises. Of the insides of my body. The gurgles and churns. It’s all empty nonsense sounds that mean nothing. What I ate, what I drank sloshing around in my body. I’m not even listening to what the nurse is saying. I’m like a lifeless zombie on this hospital bed waiting for my moment to leave.

The rapid beat noise becomes louder and louder. It’s so pure and innocent like a very fast race is being run inside of me and I glance at the screen and see a little peanut shape. The flicker of the black and white screen is mimicking the sound that we can hear throughout the room. I glance at Jack; his eyes are filled with tears and a smile crosses his face. He squeezes my hand.

“The baby is okay.” He nods and wipes his eyes.

The doctor continues to speak and this time I’m listening.

“The baby is okay, but I have to warn you bleeding is not a good sign. You’ve got to take it easy. No exercise. No sex. If the bleeding continues then your doctor might suggest complete bedrest.”

“Bedrest? As in not leaving the bed?” I swallow hard.

“Well you can leave to go to the restroom; a catheter won’t be necessary.”

“I can’t be on bedrest though. I have a job.”

“Either I or your obstetrician can write you a work release.”

I don’t want a work release. I have too much to deal with at work. There is no way I can be on bedrest. Not with the way things are going. I shake my head. The doctor wipes off my stomach.

“I’m going to write you a prescription for progesterone and you will need to follow up with your doctor tomorrow. If you experience any more bleeding, you’ll need to come back right away.”

Jack stands up and shakes the doctor’s hand. “Thank you.”

As the doctor is leaving the room, I find my voice. “Can I travel?”

“Oh, definitely not.”

What about my wedding? Our wedding? We had planned for it to be in Texas so everyone could be together and now what? And what about my grandmother? My mom had already gushed about how great it was that we were having the wedding in Texas because my grandmother couldn’t travel with her bad hip.

Shiat.
Now what? I pat my belly. My little baby is inside me and safe for now. The rest I’ll have to figure out. We will have to figure out. Jack and I together.

***

A couple of days later I’m back at the hospital for my scheduled appointment. I’m just sitting here with my legs in the cold metal stirrups while the doctor examines me. Seriously, this has got to be my least favorite invention. Who designed these straddles? And with the advancement of medicine couldn’t something better have come along? I glance up at the ceiling and laugh. It’s a photo of a squirrel dressed like Elvis. Of all things to have in an OB examination room.

“All right, all done.” The doctor gets up and tosses her gloves in the trash and washes her hands as I sit up. I’m careful to wrap myself up in the paper as if she hasn’t just seen all of my downtown parts. I still want to be covered in this moment.

“Lauren, the reason for the bleeding is that you have an incompetent cervix.”

“What?”

“Your cervix is slightly open. I’ll run a few tests to make sure none of the amniotic fluid has been released. As it stands right now, we will need to monitor you weekly and if you have any abnormal discharge I want you to call me right away.”

“Okay. Is the baby going to be all right?”

“Baby should be fine; there are things we can do to manage this situation so try not to worry.”

I nod and I wait for her to leave the room so that I can cry, yet again. I’m failing at being a mother before my baby is even born. I can’t believe this. Actually, I can—it kind of makes sense. It’s just one more thing that I’m failing at. My job. My wedding planning. I haven’t told Brianna about Megan yet. Or my mom that we can’t have the wedding in Texas because I can’t travel because I’m incompetent. I haven’t figured out the perfect cake with Jack and he really is bringing more to the table in the love department. I’m just one big failure. I let all the tears that can possibly fall from my eyes go and I stumble back into my clothes.