Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (12 page)

Gloria, a freshman at State University, had firsthand experience of 74

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A this: “[A few acquaintances and I] were talking the other day out [in front of the dorm] having a cigarette . . . they were like: ‘Who do you think is [a virgin]?’ ” Kevin, a senior at Faith University, elaborates:

[When you are at a party with friends], they will see you putting work in. Like if I’m at the bar with my friends and me and you meet and I’m talking to you all night, then I disappear with you, I don’t say: “Hey, I’m leaving,” we just disappear. The next morning I come home, they will know that. [And then they’ll say:] “Did you go home with that girl you were talking to? Oh shit!” They’ll know that they saw me putting the work in. Talking, hitting on, that’s what it is. So if you are not out with them and you walk in [the next day], they are not going to do that, but you may say: “I hooked up last night.” In college, every morning it was like ten of us sitting around watching TV on three different couches. So if someone did walk in, say it was Tyler, [we would]

say: “Tyler, we saw you working on that girl last night.” He’d be like:

“Yeah, I’m coming home right now.” We call it the walk of shame, which is the walk across campus after you hooked up in the same clothes you went out in the night before.

On the campuses I studied, this fascination with one another’s “personal” life was central to the college experience.2 Thus, sexual behavior, far from being a private matter, is happening under the watchful eyes and curious ears of all who inhabit the college campus.

PERCEPTION OF OTHERS

College students’ preoccupation with the sexual behavior of their classmates is not all for idle gossip. By studying how other men and women behave, college students learn the norms for their peer group, which in turn affects their own choices. It is important to find out how students view their classmates’ behavior because students define their own sexual behavior relative to others, particularly other students of the same sex. College men I spoke with perceive other men in the hookup culture as being very preoccupied with sex. When I asked if they believed the stereotype that men’s actions are sex driven, almost all of the men agreed with the stereotype. In fact, several men suggested that college men cannot avoid being preoccupied T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 75

by sex because it is “natural” for men to be this way. Kyle, a senior at State University, agreed:

KB
: There is a stereotype that college guys, especially fraternity guys are very sex driven, that that is what they are looking for. Would you agree with that?

Kyle
: You are in a big house, a lot of beer, you have a lot of friends and have parties, and if that results in [sex, so be it] . . . I think all guys like to have a lot of sex [not just fraternity men]. It’s just testosterone.

My exchange with Trent, a senior from Faith University, further amplifies this attitude:

KB
: Do you think either guys or girls typically have more

[hookup] partners?

Trent
: Oh, guys without a doubt.

KB
: And why do you think that is?

Trent
: Guys,
it’s just the way we are.
I really don’t know . . . the guy will go for it more than a girl would, like he’ll go out and try to hook up, where a girl will just see what happens, you know what I mean. That’s at least my experience. [Emphasis added]

Although the men generally thought that all college men, including themselves, were preoccupied with sex, they suggested that it was
other
men who had really low standards or would be willing to “sleep with anyone.” Or as Kevin, a senior at Faith University, put it, “A few of my friends . . . don’t care what the girl looks like, they just want to get laid.” Another senior at Faith University, Trent, said, “I’m not like my one friend; he’ll hook up with anyone just to hook up with her. You know, he’ll sleep with anyone just to sleep with them, he doesn’t care.” Jack, a sophomore at Faith University, offers a similar view.

KB
: So, it depends on the girl [whether she will have sex or not]?

What about guys, does it depend on the guy or is the guy up for whatever the girl is up for?

Jack
: There have been cases where I turned [sex] down, but most of my roommates . . . they generally are up for anything.

76

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A Consistent with other college men I spoke with, Kevin, Trent, and Jack defined their own sexual behavior relative to what they believed others were doing in the sexual arena. These men were very active members in the hookup scene, yet they viewed their sexual behavior as “not that bad” compared to what some of their friends do. Inevitably, it was other men who engaged in truly promiscuous behavior, not the person I interviewed.

While many men favored the idea that college men are looking for sex, the women I interviewed believed that college women were looking for relationships. As Adrienne, a senior at Faith University, put it, “It always seems like the girls want to . . . come back for more contact [after a hookup] and the guys are like one night, that’s it.” Lynn, a sophomore at Faith University, agrees:

KB
: What about girls, what do you find girls are looking for in terms of guys, are they looking for sex, too, are they looking for hooking up, are they looking for relationships?

Lynn
: If the girl likes the guy, I think she might be interested in finding out if she wants to pursue a relationship. I kind of think guys have this theory that either you hook up or you get married. Like if I was to tell [a guy] I liked him then he would get like so scared and freaked out because [men think]: “Oh my God that means we have to be in a relationship” and it doesn’t mean that. I think most girls are looking to try and pursue a relationship, but aren’t just going to go up to a guy and be like: “Oh, want to be my boyfriend?” you know what I mean? I think that girls do look for relationships more than guys would.

KB
: From what you just described . . . when you said looking for a possible relationship, you might be interested in
something
happening, but don’t expect it overnight to be a really close committed relationship. Is that what you mean?

Lynn
: Exactly. [Emphasis added]

Liz, a freshman at Faith University, offered the following:
KB
: Do you find either guys or girls are looking for relationships?

Liz
: Girls are; guys are not.

KB
: Why do you think girls are?

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 77

Liz
: Why wouldn’t you want a boyfriend because it’s kind of like you’re living with them. You know what I’m saying? Like, if you have a boyfriend at home it’s different because like you live at home [with your] mom and dad you know. You can’t be out until [whatever time] you want. You can’t do whatever you want. And here you can and I mean you’re the one who sets your own rules. But, if you have a boyfriend like oh how nice would it be if I could just like, oh I just want someone to watch a movie with right now. Or like, I just want to like go out to dinner with him. Or I just want to stay in and like hang out with him, and you can do that. Oh like, I’m going to sleep there tonight or he’s going to sleep here tonight. And like you can do that here and you can’t do that at home. And girls realize that I think more so than guys and that’s what they want. Like: “Uh, if I just had a boyfriend it would be so much better right now because like there’s nothing to do and I can just hang out with him.” You know? And um, that’s how we look at it.

KB
: And why don’t guys feel the same way?

Liz
: Well, maybe because they don’t like doing that kind of stuff as much as girls do. I mean some guys do I guess but for the most part I’m sure they’d rather go out and get drunk than sit at home with some chick you know and watch TV. And that’s like all I want to do [laughs].

Many women echoed these sentiments. That is, they think college women are looking for something beyond a hookup, although they do not expect “instant relationships,” either. Rather, they perceived college women as wanting to find someone with whom they could at least potentially have a relationship. Some, on the other hand, believed college women wanted a greater level of commitment by seeking a relationship with “marriage potential.”3

Despite their belief that college women were looking for relationships, the women I interviewed suggested they knew some women who would “randomly” have sex outside the context of a relationship.

Just as the college men believed that
other
men were engaged in more promiscuous sexual behavior than themselves, the college women believed
other
women were the promiscuous ones. Lisa and Lee, two sophomores at State University, are examples of this mentality.

78

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A
KB
: Would you say that most students are having sex or are most stopping short of that?

Lisa
: [laughs] A few of my . . . girlfriends . . . just randomly have sex with people [laughs], but I don’t do that.

Lee
: One of my girlfriends is not [in a relationship] and she is very promiscuous. For her it’s just—if it feels good, do it.

That mentality.

KB
: You said this one friend is promiscuous. What fits your definition of promiscuous?

Lee
: Sleeping with a number of guys without having a relationship. I mean she is friends with them, she knows them, it’s not like they are random guys. But they are not her boyfriend, they don’t have any ties.

Similarly, Diane, a sophomore at Faith and a very active member of the hookup culture, explained that when she has a hookup encounter, it only involves kissing. However, she believed others take a hookup much farther sexually.

Diane
: Like I won’t go home with a guy and like sleep with him that night. [But other] girls do that.

KB
: Okay, what do you think other people do typically?

Diane
: Typically either they go out, get drunk, hook up with a guy, go back, either have sex with him or give him like head. So like, I don’t do that either. Like my roommate does that. And like a lot of people do [but unlike them] I’m just like in charge.

In addition to looking to their same-sex counterparts on campus, college students are also interested in what the opposite sex wants. I asked both men and women what they believed about each other. According to the men, college women want three things. At a minimum, women want something more than just a hookup or casual sex. Second, some women want exclusive relationships; and, third, at least some women want to find a potential marriage partner. Ed and Kyle, both seniors at State, addressed the differences in what men and women want.

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 79

KB
: What do you think guys or girls are looking for. . . . Are they looking for relationships, are they looking for sex? What do you think they’re looking for?

Ed
: I would say that guys are mostly looking for sex. And some of the girls are looking for sex, but more girls than guys are looking for relationships, but not necessarily a permanent relationship just something that’s more than just a couple hookups or casual sex.

KB
: Are men and women both on the same page or are they looking for different things?

Kyle
: I would say that sometimes the girls are looking for different things. One of my close friends just was going out for six months and the girl said she wanted it to move to the next level and get engaged and it scared him off. On average, more of the girls want more than just the “one and done” thing. . . .

Probably [girls want] to “go out” [i.e., become a couple].

Later in the interview, Kyle discusses whether he thinks men and women are looking for potential marriage partners during college.

KB
: Do you think both guys and girls are looking for [marriage]?

Kyle
: I think girls more so than guys. I know girls who come to college, and major in painting or sewing or something, to find guys, to find people to go out. They take majors that, not that you need to make a ton of money, but you are going to have a difficult time in today’s job market finding a job that is going to make any living.

KB
: So you think they are here spouse shopping?

Kyle
: Not the majority, but I do know girls that do that.

Kevin, a senior at Faith University, offered a similar view:
KB
: [You said earlier that] guys are looking for sex all the time.

What are girls looking for?

Kevin
: A husband.

KB
: Even when they are [in college]?

Kevin
: Hmm-hmm.

80

T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A These men seemed to believe college women today are not much different than their 1950s-era counterparts. It was during this time that people began to suggest that women attended college in order to get their “MRS” degree. This idea was not completely unfounded considering two-thirds of women who attended college in the 1950s dropped out before finishing their degree, usually to marry.4

Just as the college men I spoke to believed that some women are looking for sex, but most are looking for relationships, the college women believed that some men are looking for relationships, but that most are looking for sex. Some took this a step farther, believing that men were very focused on sex with multiple partners, even when they were already hooking up repeatedly with one particular woman.

KB
: Do you have any sense of what people are looking for out of

[a hookup]? Do you think people are looking for relationships or the physicall. . . aspects?

Gloria
: I think guys definitely look for the hottest girl and want to

“get ass” from that girl and want to say they got it from that girl. [Freshman, State University]

KB
: If someone is not in a relationship, how many times might someone hook up in a semester, like how many different people in a semester?