Authors: Robert Muchamore
Sami claimed the Billy Mango story was a legend across central Africa. He was a poor eighteen year old, whose family lived in a shanty town on the edge of the capital. He’d wander the streets looking for odd jobs. When he couldn’t find work - which was most of the time - he’d put on his best clothes and hang out with hundreds of others at the back of the national television station, vying to be a contestant on the nation’s number one quiz show,
Name The Price?’
After months of baking in the sun outside the studio, young Billy was finally picked as a contestant. Before the live show went on air, the host collapsed with a bout of malaria and had to be taken to hospital. A replacement was urgently required, preferably someone good looking and neatly dressed, who’d already been through make up. Billy raised his arm. He invented himself a new surname and was a hit with the studio audience; particularly when he pointed to every contestant and said the words that would become his catchphrase:
But the question is, how much do you think it’s worth?
Billy hosted the next evening and every evening the following week. The story made the newspapers and the show’s ratings nearly doubled. When the original host returned from hospital, he was jeered by the studio audience. He only lasted two shows before Billy Mango was reinstated as his permanent replacement. Over the next few years, Billy Mango made and squandered a fortune from TV shows, endorsements, personal appearances and pop singles.
When Sami shared a room with three of her sisters, they had a row of Billy Mango CDs and posters of him pinned on their wall. Sami told me that one time she threw a tantrum at a petrol station, bawling her head off until Captain bought her a Billy Mango key ring.
When the war came, the television station was bombed by rebels and nobody was paying for advertisements or CDs. Billy had managed to spend more than he earned, so he had nothing to bribe his way out when the army conscripted him.
The life of a conscript wasn’t great for anyone. Hard training, rubbish food and brutal discipline, but it was even worse for Billy. He might as well have had a target painted on his back. Every bully and thug enjoyed dishing it out to the former celebrity. When he couldn’t take it any more, Billy stuffed his few remaining possessions in his pack and disappeared into the jungle…
. . . We put out the fire and headed towards Billy’s hut. ‘Me and my sisters all used to guess the prices,’ Sami said. ‘I was the littlest so I always got them wrong.
Like, guessing a fridge cost twenty dollars or something… And remember the time you came on stage and dropped your microphone? Then you bent over and ripped those tight trousers.’ Adam laughed when he heard that. Billy smiled, ‘I can’t believe you remember all this. You must have only been five or six.’ ‘We were all massive fans. My sister, Katya, sent off and got your signed photograph.’ ‘My cousin made more money out of the signed photos than I did on the show. They were churning
out two thousand a week.’ ‘Must have killed your wrist, writing all those signatures.’ Billy laughed, ‘I never signed them. The TV station gave me some lessons, but I can hardly write my
name even now.’ ‘Oh,’ Sami said. ‘Katya would be so gutted if she found out.’ ‘Has she still got it?’ Billy asked. ‘She’s dead,’ Sami said. ‘All my brothers and sisters are. I haven’t seen a TV show for seven years.’ ‘I often wonder where I’d be now, if the war hadn’t come,’ Billy said. ‘I had a wife. She probably thinks
I’m dead.’ Billy led us inside his hut. He’d been alone for five years until Adam came, venturing onto the roads only to scavenge through the wreckage after an ambush. His hut showed signs of being built by a man with a huge amount of free time. There was an air of perfection about the place; as if hours had been spent creating every snug fitting beam and neatly tied joint. The floor was covered in animal skins and there were bone carvings lined up on shelves: tiny models of animals, a steam locomotive attached to a line of carriages, and even a near perfect Mercedes, identical to one Billy had once owned.
Billy was short of candles. He set a small fire beneath the chimney in the middle of the hut. It’s surprising how well your eyes work in dim lighting once they adjust. I sat on a soft pile of leopard skins, with one arm around Sami and the other around Adam. Adam was playing with my M16. Billy sat on the opposite side of the spacious hut, looking sad. Adam was his only company and he wasn’t looking forward to loosing it. ‘You could come back with us,’ I said. ‘Be a rebel fighter.’ Billy shook his head, ‘I was alone before, I’ll be alone again. I made a decision never to harm another
person.’ I paused for thought when he said that. We’d killed four soldiers on our way here. I’d got so used to
killing, it meant no more to me than if I’d stepped on a few bugs ‘I’ll miss playing tag with you, Billy,’ Adam said. Then turning to me, ‘We do it every morning, but he
always cheats by tickling me.’ ‘How will you get home?’ Billy asked. ‘The rebels are pushing forward. If we can get out east, the three of us should be able to get a bus into
Uganda.’ Adam looked at me, ‘Who’s three of us?’ ‘Me, you and Sami.’ ‘Why’s she coming?’ Adam grinned. ‘Is she your girlfriend?’ ‘We’re getting married.’ Adam gave me a weird look, ‘Eh?’ ‘I love Sami. She’s coming home with us.’ Adam started to crack up laughing, ‘Oh right. I can just see Mum’s face when you turn up with a wife.’ ‘It might be a bit tricky,’ I said. ‘But she’ll just have to live with it.’ ‘Jake, Mum won’t even let me have a dog.’ ‘Well, I’m a lot older than you.’ Adam was laughing so much he could hardly breathe. ‘A wife!’ he screamed, kicking his bare feet in the air. He was rolling around with spit dribbling all down his face. I’d forgotten how annoying he could be. ‘You’ll be dead,’ he snorted. ‘You’ll be so dead.’ The thing was, the little brat had a point.
The four of us slept comfortably. We weren’t meeting Desi until the evening, so Adam and Billy had the whole day to say goodbye. When we got up, Adam wanted all of us to play tag. It had rained in the night. As the sun heated everything up, the moisture rose off the plants in a fine mist. Billy had made Adam a feather headdress, which combined with the leopard skin shorts and trainers made him look like something out of a school play.
Adam and Billy ran and chased each other. It wasn’t a proper game of tag, more of an excuse for the two of them to rumble and trade insults. Me and Sami were surplus to requirements. We propped ourselves against Billy’s hut and watched them play, with our arms round each other’s backs. ‘Grandma certainly made the right decision, giving Adam to Billy,’ Sami said, nuzzling my neck. ‘I almost feel bad taking him away,’ I said. ‘I never spend that amount of time playing with him.’ ‘What he said last night about your Mum not accepting me. Is that true?’ I tried to make light of it, ‘She certainly isn’t going to like it.’ Sami started at the ground between her legs. ‘It’s normal to get married at our age here,’ I said. ‘But not in England. My Mum will come around.’ ‘What if she doesn’t?’ Sami asked. ‘Sami, we’ve got about fifty massive hurdles to jump over and my Mother is the fiftieth one. You know
I love you right?’ ‘Yes,’ Sami said. ‘And you love me?’
‘Yes.’ ‘Well that’s all that matters. The rest of the world is just problems we’ve got to solve.’ Sami leaned over and we started snogging. A piece of fruit whacked the back of my head. We broke off. Adam was standing a few metres away, his chest was covered in thousands of balls of sweat. He was out of breath from mucking around with Billy. ‘What was that for midget?’ I asked. ‘Wasn’t me,’ Adam giggled. ‘I think it fell out of the tree.’ Sami looked at Adam, ‘Don’t you like me kissing Jake?’ Adam went all shy and looked at his feet. ‘Would you prefer it if I kissed you?’ Sami asked. ‘Gross,’ Adam said. Sami laughed, ‘Bet you’d like it. In fact, I’m gonna give you big wet kisses all over.’ Adam smiled, ‘No you’re not.’ Sami got up and lunged towards him. ‘It’s smoochy time,’ Sami giggled. Adam span round and started running away. Sami crashed through the undergrowth, chasing after him.
He ran behind Billy and started screaming. ‘Protect me. Protect me.’ Billy turned traitor and locked his arms around Adam’s waist, so he was trapped. Sami planted the
soggiest kiss she could manage on Adam’s cheek. ‘AAAGGGHHH,’ Adam screamed. ‘You’ve probably given me some disgusting disease you caught off Jake.’
Adam got really sad as the day went on. He kept asking how long it was before we had to leave. When it got down to an hour, he cuddled up to Billy and started to cry. He wanted Billy to come with us, but Billy wouldn’t have it. Billy didn’t want to fight for anyone. Maybe it was cowardice, but I admired the strength of character it took to live peacefully where a life was worth less than a few bags of food. ‘I’ll never see you again,’ Adam sobbed. ‘We’ll always be friends in here,’ Billy said, tapping his head. ‘Besides, you’ll see me on TV after I make
my big comeback.’ I found a piece of paper for Adam to write our address and telephone number on, vaguely amused at the prospect of Billy Mango ringing up our house in the middle of Eastenders. Billy tore a strip off the paper and gave Sami his real autograph. He printed jaggedy letters, with big gaps between, like a kid in year one.
When we finally left, Adam was reduced to a gasping, red faced, mess. He grovelled for us to stay, or for Billy to come with us. He broke away and ran back for a final desperate hug with a man who’d been his only friend for two months.
Then we set off to meet Desi, with me and Sami each holding one of Adam’s hands. I was sad for Adam and wondered how Billy would cope being alone again, but at the same time I felt a sense of hope. I’d found Adam and Sami was coming with us, so I had no reason to hang around. The walk back from the lake felt like the first part of the journey home.
Desi gave Adam a piggyback on the tricky path back to camp. He filled us in on the latest developments in the war. Rebel Radio was claiming that our side was advancing rapidly towards us. We usually took the announcements with a pinch of salt, but Captain had sent men to spy and rob in all the local camps. Everyone came back with similar reports: the government bases were operating with a minimal number of soldiers. Truck loads of local troops had been sent to the front line to counter the rebel advance. It could mean only one thing: the government was desperate and the war really was going our way.
It was an hour past dark when we got into the main building. Everyone who hadn’t gone out on a mission sat around in a circle, listening to a man reading from a bible. Captain got off the floor and introduced us to the stranger. ‘This is Father Desmond,’ Captain said. The white haired priest reached over his audience and shook me and Sami’s hands. ‘This is the couple you’re marrying tomorrow morning,’ Captain explained. I did a bit of a double take. Captain certainly didn’t hang about getting organised. ‘Where did you come from?’ I asked. Father Desmond pointed at Joseph and Jesus. ‘These gentleman extracted me from army HQ. They blindfolded me, stuck me in the back of a truck
and here I am.’ Captain laughed, ‘And he hasn’t stopped scoffing our food or drinking our booze since he got here.
When you two are married, we’ll drop him back. It wouldn’t do to harm a priest.’ Father Desmond smiled, ‘I’m sure it’s God’s will that I was taken here to bring these two young people
together.’ He looked at me suspiciously, ‘Are you a catholic?’ I nodded. Mum had taken us to the local church a few times when I was little. She was sucking up to the priest so
I could get into catholic school. Now didn’t seem like the time to admit that I didn’t believe in God. ‘When did you last take confession?’ ‘A few months ago,’ I lied. ‘Perhaps I should take each of you inside the office and allow you to confess your sins.’ Sami went into Captain’s office with Father Desmond. Amo rustled up some food. Everyone started
asking Adam loads of questions. ‘Your turn Killer,’ Sami said, when she got out. Father Desmond had arranged Captain’s two chairs back to back. I sat down. ‘Go on,’ Father Desmond said.
‘Erm…’ It had been so long, I had to think what to say. ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been three months… Actually, it’s been about six years, since
my last confession.’ ‘What sins have you committed?’ ‘All of them,’ I said. Father Desmond coughed, ‘Try and be a touch more specific.’ ‘I’ve killed fifteen people. I’ve had sex outside of marriage. I’ve stolen stuff. I’ve had unclean thoughts at least ten times a day. I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain. I’ve disrespected my Mother and Father and I’m ninety-nine percent sure I don’t believe in God.’ ‘Quite a busy six years,’ the priest said. ‘Most of that was in the last two months.’ The priest thought for a few seconds before giving me my penance. ‘Say two Hail Marys and ask the Lord to set you a path out of the darkness.’ It seemed like I’d got off light. I once had to say six Hail Marys for robbing a calculator off some kid in
my class. ‘Is that it?’ I said, feeling like I’d been short changed. ‘I’ve definitely killed fifteen people. But that
doesn’t include when I’ve thrown grenades in trucks and stuff.’ ‘Pray,’ Father Desmond said. ‘You have confessed and the Lord forgives all worldly sins, but you are a young man and there is great remorse inside you. Your conscience will not be unburdened until you rediscover your faith in the Lord.’
Adam laid between me and Sami in the dark. I wanted to take my final chance to commit pre-marital sins with Sami, but we could hardly throw Adam out of the hut before he’d had a chance to get to know any of the others. ‘So, Adam,’ Sami said. ‘Has Jake had any girlfriends before me?’ ‘Not that I’ve seen,’ Adam said. ‘So far you’re the only one mad enough.’ ‘Tell me something Killer did,’ Sami said. ‘Preferably something embarrassing.’ ‘I do know one story,’ Adam said. I cringed. I knew exactly what story he was talking about. ‘You tell Sami that, Adam, you’re dead.’ ‘Now I’ve got to hear it,’ Sami laughed ‘And don’t worry about Jake. I’ll protect you from that wimp.’ ‘All the girls at school were inside the gym doing PE,’ Adam explained. ‘It was before I went to school, I only heard about it later. The boys were playing football outside and there are these metal grilles in the gym wall.’ I wrapped my hand over Adam’s mouth. He tried to carry on and his spit got all over my palm. ‘Shut up midget, or I’ll tell everyone about you wetting your pants in the Christmas play.’ Sami pulled my hand away. Adam enjoyed being the centre of attention. ‘All the boys started messing about,’ Adam said. ‘Shouting at the girls and sticking their penises through
the grille.’ Sami laughed, ‘How old was he?’ ‘Nine or ten,’ Adam said. ‘So what happened?’ Sami asked. ‘When Jake put his thingy through, one of the girls on the other side kicked it. He was bleeding
everywhere.’ ‘That’s a lie,’ I said. ‘I didn’t even need stitches. It bled a tiny bit and I had to go to hospital to get a
tetanus shot.’ ‘Dirty little pervert,’ Sami laughed. ‘Got any more embarrassing stuff on him?’ Adam giggled, ‘I’ll try and remember some.’ ‘So what do you think of Sami?’ I asked, trying to embarrass him. ‘She’s cool,’ Adam said. ‘I can’t wait ‘til Mum finds out.’ ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,’ I said. ‘You could wear that leopard skin skirt Billy made
tomorrow and be our bridesmaid.’ Adam slapped my chest. ‘Get stuffed, Jake. And it’s not a dress, it’s a pair of shorts.’ ‘Looks like a dress to me,’ I said. ‘Don’t talk about Billy,’ Adam said. ‘It makes me sad… Anyway, I want to go to sleep. Adam closed his eyes and wriggled around, trying to get comfortable in the small gap between me and
Sami. ‘And don’t start snogging just because I’m asleep.’
I woke up early and walked down to the pool. I sat on a rock, listening to the water dropping and thinking how strange it was that in a few hours I’d be a married man; or at least a married boy.
I wanted to wash, but a whole nest of baby snakes had crashed into the pool. I wasn’t sure if the little ones were poisonous, but I didn’t want to chance it. Once in a while, a bird would swoop out of the trees and pluck one of the little snakes out of the water. One bird landed on a rock a couple of metres away from me. It perched patiently, until the tiny snake dangling out of it’s beak stopped wriggling and snapping its jaws. Once the snake was dead, the bird crunched it into two pieces, that dropped onto the rock. While the bird tipped back it’s head to swallow the first piece, an opportunist swooped down and gobbled the other half.
Amo and a couple of the others came to wash and cursed the snakes. Apparently the babies weren’t just as venomous as the grown ups, but they’d give a nasty nip. I watched until there were only a couple of snakes left. Of the rest, about a third had been eaten by birds. The remainder had thrashed their way into the current and been carried out of the pool and downstream. Adam came and sat beside me. ‘How you doing?’ I asked. ‘Not bad,’ Adam said. ‘Amo’s made some breakfast if you want some.’ ‘I don’t think I’ll hold it down,’ I said. ‘My stomach’s turning somersaults.’ ‘Are you scared?’ Adam asked. ‘Terrified.’ ‘What of?’
I shrugged, ‘Marriage is like the biggest thing you ever do. Promising the rest of your life to another person. If you think about it, doing it at my age is absolutely bonkers.’ ‘She’s nice though,’ Adam said. ‘She was mucking about with me while I was getting dressed.’ ‘I’m scared shitless,’ I said. ‘But I love her. If you offered me a million pounds to call it all off, I
wouldn’t take it.’ Adam laughed, ‘What about two million?’ ‘I’d probably reconsider for two million.’ ‘There’s all stuff going on up there,’ Adam said. ‘Sami’s got a nice dress and they’re platting her hair. They’re cooking loads of food and Father Desmond is telling all the kids stories. Everyone wants to know where you are. Do you want to come back with me and see?’ I got off my rock. ‘Suppose I’d better go and spruce myself up. I can’t hide down here forever.
There’s nothing quite as boring as wedding photos, or a wedding video, but I wish I had one picture of the way Sami looked. Her hair wasn’t that long, but they put all beads and stuff in it. They’d made her a dress out of plain white cotton. It was a traditional African job, hanging off one shoulder and all wrapped around and gathered up somehow, so that it finished just below her knees. She only had boots, so she kept her feet bare, which I thought was really sexy. Captain gave me a brand new set of camouflage out of the lock up. Amo and Beck carried Captain’s desk outside into the sun. They made a cross out of two branches bound up with vine leaves, and stood it on the desk surrounded by thousands of yellow and white flower petals. It wasn’t exactly a Hello! magazine wedding, but it was pretty cool.
I can’t remember much about the ceremony. I glazed over, listening to my heart drumming and staring at the beads of sweat dribbling down Father Desmond’s bald patch. A couple of times, I felt myself swaying and I thought I was gonna pass out. I must have said my vows on autopilot, because I can’t remember doing any of them.
Once the ceremony was done, we stuck around and ate some food. Adam seemed happy enough. He started running around with Beck and a couple of little kids.
Me and Sami waited until it seemed polite before walking the kilometre to our spot on the edge of the old mine. We’d always just laid there watching the sun, but this time we started snogging and ended up screwing gently before our audience of waving flowers. It was the best feeling ever, the dress looked well sexy and she licked my ear and whispered that she never wanted anyone else. You could have offered me the whole planet and I wouldn’t have swapped it for rolling around with Sami on that little patch of hot earth.
A couple of days later, Adam couldn’t resist confessing that him, Beck and David followed us and watched the whole thing from behind some trees a few metres away.