Authors: a dagmara
“More…ugh” I smirked, who the fuck did he think he was
toying with?
I’m
not some dumb ho. I know all too well the type of game he was playing and I
wasn’t
about to let one brick of my wall crumble.
“But aren’t we all just another conquest to
validate control…was that not what you had done earlier, and last night…exert
your control over me?” I laughed and walked from the enormous bathroom.
Looking around the room, I
didn’t
know where my clothes were.
I turned back to him and his eyes were so somber, as if the
words registered.
He looked to me with
recognition.
A
recognition that almost froze me.
Oh shit, he looked at me with a strange recognition, this
wasn’t
good.
He bit
his bottom lip, looking to me in a way I could only describe as acknowledgment.
He walked towards me, and swiftly positioned his hand at
the nape of my neck forcing me to his stare.
I knew I was in trouble.
Fuck,
over my head completely with this one.
He leaned down cautiously, and paused…I knew he was about
to kiss me, and I turned my head and his lips landed on my cheek.
Feeling his breath on me, he whispered, “Who broke you? Who
hurt you that you’re this guarded?”
Releasing a sigh, I shocked myself.
“
A man like
yourself…but he didn’t break me Sebastian…That’s where you’re mistaken!”
Visions of Lucian circled my mind again.
Fuck, this was the second time with in the
past day and a half that he surfaced in my head.
My demon, my past.
I need to free myself and quickly.
He moved and looked cautiously down at me.
“He will never break me Sebastian…No man ever will. You can
take what you want of me and from me but you will never have me…that is was he
taught me.”
Lucian was the hardest
lesson in life that I
was taught
.
Looking to Sebastian, he partly reminded me
of my demon, my Lucian.
“What does that leave you with Lillian?
What
about love?
Do you want that in your life? Will you keep yourself that
guarded?”
Yeah,
absolutely!
If
he only knew the truth.
Love was
a weakness that I was not about to let take me.
I had plans and love was not part of it.
Not with Sebastian Vaihn or any man!
“I had love, enough to hold on too for an eternity…”
Ally suddenly appeared in my mind…she was my heart and I
would not fail her or me.
“I feel for you Lillian…the best part of life is
Love!”
Sorrow and pity laced his
expression.
Two things I
don’t
ever
wallow
in.
Hell no.
I made choice, and with those choices came
responsibility.
“Don’t
”
I
offered in a clipped tone. “…I certainly don’t feel sorry for
myself…
I like who I am Sebastian, most can’t honestly say
that, and I doubt you could truly say it!”
I glared at him seeing the man whom stood before me.
The façade
wasn’t
lost on me.
I knew who Sebastian Vaihn
was and I
wasn’t
about to let him break my resolve.
“Perhaps you are right, but Lillian, at least I allow
myself to feel.
You on the other hand,
do not. That is why you won’t allow a man to kiss you…you fear it.” He paused
pulling me to him. “You fear it because it may cause you to finally feel
something”
He leaned down, holding his lips so close to mine. I had to
fight to keep my nerves in check.
“I won’t kiss you Lillian…but I’m right”
He moved away from me and let me go.
“There’s a change of clothes on the chair for you. I
guessed on the sizes hopefully they fit.”
His voice was clipped and angry.
“Thank you for the clothes.”
I reigned in my frustration from this
standoff.
That’s
exactly what it was, a standoff.
He walked back to the bathroom, and I finally felt control
over my body. Walking to the chair, I pulled out the jeans white blouse, and
flip-flops. Hmm, no bra or under wear…I guess it
didn’t
matter.
I dressed quickly, as he reentered the room. He went for
the closet, and I knew he too would be dressing. I left the room, and entered
the suite. This was the penthouse at the Hyatt in down town. The view gave it
away.
Sitting high above the harbor.
I walked to the window and stared out to the evening sun
now setting.
Sebastian’s arms swiftly came around me, as he leaned into
me kissing my head.
His arms around me
teased the need, the longing I buried.
The longing to allow myself to
be held
, to feel
secure in that hold.
“You were not a conquest Lillian…I want to know you…I want
you to know me”, he paused “You are more than I suspected you could be to
me…try for me, try to let go and give yourself a chance. Let me show you what
you’re guarding yourself from…what you heart is missing.”
He pleaded.
“Why would you ask this of me…you don’t know me…you know
nothing of me.
I’m
not worth the energy you would need
to commit to me.
You’re
right, perhaps, I am
broken…and I don’t need you to fix me. I could never be what you want me to
be.
I tried my hand at a relationship
once, I brought him nothing but heart break Sebastian…to this day, I see it in
his eyes…You don’t understand what you would be asking of me or what it will do
to you.”
All the lies and the past
flooded me.
He has no clue nor would he
be ok with any of it.
This was a game to
him.
If he for a moment understood the
truth of who I was and what my past was, there would be no way he would want
anything to do with me.
“I want a chance Lillian…I want you to give yourself a
chance. We would be perfect for each other…I sense it …
don’t
you? This is more than just an attraction and you know it.”
“I need to go Sebastian, you don’t know me.
Trust me, if you truly did, you would run.”
“Please …just try,” he implored.
His
voice beseeching me.
Geez.
He just
didn’t
get it.
Or
perhaps he did.
“Sebastian…
don’t
play games with
me…I’ve already had the pleasure of understanding how you operate…you had me in
your bed, let that be enough.”
He released me, and I turned pausing just a moment looking
up into his blue eyes as he offered me a crooked smile. I walked from him
noticing my clutch and a bag with my clothes from last night. I reached down,
picked up my belongings, and headed for the door.
“Yes, I did have you in my bed”, His voice rang through me.
“I intend on having you there again, and next time it will be because you
belong there with me…I want you Lillian…all of you!”
“That’s a nice dream Sebastian…I’m no ones to be had…You
will never have all of me for my heart is buried in a grave where is will wait
for me to join.” I opened the door and walked out from his suite.
Down the hall, I waited patiently for the elevator.
Blindly, I entered it, when the scent caught my attention…the cologne. One name
hit my mind.
Charlie!
The elevator was empty, as it ushered me down to the lobby.
Exiting, I walked thru and hailed a cab. I needed to get to the hospital. I
need to check on Sam.
The ride seemed longer than I thought my mind stuck on
every word Sebastian spoke. I shook my head…He got me to open up more than I
thought I would ever allow. However,
Brady’s
warning
registered…Sebastian knew how to fuck with a woman’s mind.
That’s
precisely what he was doing…fucking with my mind.
Broken…he said I was broken…I laughed to the thought. I was
not broken…I was resolved in a purpose, a promise I made.
Fucked up perhaps?
Yes, I
was fucked up
,
however, if anyone had my experiences to deal with, they would be broken, me,
nope; I suppose I was built for this life.
I had lived through so much already.
Not broken, just a survivor in my opinion.
Ally…I failed her once…now I
wouldn’t
make that mistake again. My resolve was firm and I will be damned if I failed
her again.
Finally, at University of Maryland Hospital…I made my way
to Sam’s room. Inside her mother and Brady stood laughing and I could hear her
complaining as the simple act caused her pain.
I stopped at the edge of her bed. “How are you doing love?”
I smiled down to her.
“Drunk on pain killers Lil…and very good pain killer may I
add!” she giggled, “oh shit, it hurts to laugh!”
Relief flooded me…she was ok. Brady watched me intently and
stood up quickly to embrace me. I shook the tremble cascade thru me and into
him.
“Lil…you look worse than me?” Sam’s voice sobered up.
“I’m fine Sam…I’m so sorry…I would have been here sooner…I
blacked out last night…I’m so sorry!” and the tears fell free down my face
claiming Brady’s shirt.
“It’s ok Lil… I got you.” Brady offered, “Lillian lost her
family to a tragic accident. She doesn’t deal well with this sort of thing.” He
offered to Sam. I was grateful for not having to explain.
“Lil loves…see I’m ok…honest. Please don’t be upset…I’ll be
ok…don’t you know nothing can keep me from our happy hours Lil.”
I released a laugh, threw my tears…She was my best friend
or female friend. I knew now, I cared for her and her friendship. More than I
had previously thought. She was family to me.
My best friend.
“I’m sorry…I apparently hit my head pretty hard last
night.” I offered trying to make light of my display.
“Clearly!”
Brady
laughed along with me.
I spent the next few hours with them until visiting hours
had me leaving. Brady got special permission to stay with her. It was so clear
to me…Brady was in love with her.
I was happy for him.
My two friends.
They were perfect for one another.
Walking from the hospital, I decided on walking the four
blocks to my apartment.
The cool September night was refreshing. The past
forty-eight hours seemed to run through me…Charlie then Sebastian…back and
forth between the two…all their words and even those that were unspoken…the
ones that were just below the surface. I now saw they both wanted something
from me…something, I knew was unattainable…the part that was me.
But then
again, I
knew undoubtedly who they were, and their games.
I knew them, because I was just the female
version of them.
I learned to be just
like them.
Their words meant
nothing.
They were just words.
Jesus. Where was my life heading?
Did I really want this?
Suddenly my shoulders felt heavy and life
caught up with me.
Fuck, Lucian again flooded my head.
When would I ever
be free?
His dark espresso hair and
those brown eyes haunted my memory.
It
had only been seven months since he last reminded me of his dominance in my
life.
The thought of him had my
shivering.
He was the true fear in my
life.
I was so damn tired of the fear
the followed his wake.
I needed to free
myself, one way or another.
Suddenly,
the gears started to turn.
Walking home,
my control reigned in sharply.
I knew
what, and how, I need to free myself.
Did I have the courage to do it?
Could I free myself from all that I worked
for
?
I suspected that when I was to make it home that Charlie
would not be there.
Or
I hoped.
I rode the elevator up and walked to the front door.
Unlocking and pushing the door open the apartments was dark and still.
I shut the door behind me and walked with my bag to my
room. Opting to change out of the clothes Sebastian had purchased I pulled on
an oversized off the shoulder shirt and yoga pants. I pulled my hair up and
walked to the kitchen finding myself a glass and pouring the red wine full.