Hold the Light (28 page)

"Oh! You just wait until my mood swings come."

"Ah. You think they haven't come yet?" I rolled over on my side laughing.

"You can't escape me that easily!" She accused and tickled me. See rolled over into my arms and I held her close. We relaxed together until her face grimaced. She shrugged the pain off only for it to come back.

"Oh, sweetie I'll be right back," she said, getting up quickly and jogging to the bathroom.

"What's the matter, honey?" I asked, but she rushed into the bathroom without answering.

The door closed and I looked around our room. I checked out the random pictures of us that spotted the walls. Her curling iron on the dresser caught my attention and I followed its cord to the outlet.

"We're gonna need outlet covers," I muttered and tried to think of more baby preparations.

This is the room of parents now, a place we'll rarely see as we run back and forth from the crib. It'll be a haven from nightmares and a place to hide the Christmas presents.

"Hey, honey," I asked the silence behind the bathroom door, "You fall in?"

I knocked and waited. I imagined I'd catch her staring in the mirror at her stomach, poking at her belly. A minute passed and I knocked again without an answer. I turned the knob and walked in on her. There she stood, staring in the mirror like I had thought, with her shirt up exposing her midsection. Slipping behind her, I slid a hand across her soft, flat stomach and watched her in the mirror with a smile, but she stared blankly.

"Jessica, honey?"

She stared into the mirror and held her stomach.

"It's alright, honey," I said, "I know it's quite a responsibility."

A deep frown etched in her face and her bottom lip sucked into her mouth. She trembled uncontrollably. At first I thought it was me shaking. I watched her in the reflection as her eyes glistened in terror. She slowly turned to me and placed both her shaky palms on my chest. Maybe it was me? Her knees caved and she slid down and crashed to the tile floor. I crouched down to comfort her.

"It's all right, sweetie," I said, caressing her cheek.

Pulling her knees close to her breast, tears streamed down her cheeks and between my fingers. The fur of her sweater tickled my wrist and brushed against my cheek as I hugged her.

"It's alright, Jess," I coaxed her, trembling.

Trying to talk was the toughest part for her. Her eyes strained as she looked away from me. I caught something in my peripheral vision that shattered all our hopes with blood.

"Why did this happen?" she cried as I followed my sight.

Life was tough enough and she was strong, but nothing could prepare her for this. I crawled on all fours across the stinging brightness of the bathroom floor, my eyes squinting as I approached the toilet and saw a tiny red spot inside the side of the bowl. I leaned in closer and saw more blood.

Fear circled within my chest and head, as did guilt and remorse. I trembled and shook as a frigidity gust through me. I wanted to crawl away but I was glued to the porcelain, staring at my child.

"Oh God," I coughed.

"Oh my God ...she's gone," cried Jessica, as she watched me shake. She leaned towards me and yelled, "No! God no! Why? Oh God, why?"

I couldn't move until the shock drained from my head. I attempted to gain my bearings but I was too disoriented. I turned around, pressed my back against the toilet and looked at her.

"Because that's how it's supposed to be," I rubbed my hands up and down my face.

I couldn't believe I had just said that. With all the information I thought I knew, that's the crappy infinite wisdom I could utter.

"No, that's not how it's
supposed
to be George. We were
supposed
to have a baby!"

I sat in silence as something crowded the back of my mind. A distant and heavy feeling dampened a section of my consciousness. I couldn't identify it, but it was terribly familiar.

"What am I supposed to do now? It's so small ..."

"Jessica ...," I had to pause, my teeth were chattering. "I know."

"No, you don't!" She barked, "She didn't grow inside you."

"I know! It was my baby, too." I said staring at the shower curtain, "I just don't want you to turn into me. That's all. This is what I see all the time! This is what you wanted to know about me! I know what this does to you if you let it. All I'm trying to say is that our baby..."

I didn't know where I was going with that sentence. I sat in silence to stop from saying anything worse.

"And is that supposed to make me feel better?" she screamed.

An inner feeling churned hard and deep, grinding within her. I could see it in her eyes. I often saw it in my own eyes. It's the fear of yourself, knowing you'll never be able to forgive your own actions.

"Oh God George, our baby," she reached for me and cried, burying her head deeper into my chest as she hoped she could take it all back, "Dead...I killed ..."

"No," I said sternly. "No, you didn't."

She shook terrible and cursed herself. Then it hit her. She looked up at me appalled. Her eyes were wide and recoiled from me and scurried to the sink, holding onto it to pull herself up. Jessica rose into a slouch and faced the wall, took a deep breath, and turned to look into the mirror. Her own face greeted her differently. Age cut in around her mouth and eyes, as her whole face grew discernibly different.

"I can't even look at myself," Jessica moaned woefully as she crashed back to the floor and into my arms.

With a sniffle, she pulled from my chest with an odd and curious look. Her eyes probed my face for answers before she even spoke.

"You ..." she stuttered, "You were here the whole time right?"

"Um yeah, right here by you."

"No, no, I mean
here
," she widened her eyes and rubbed her belly, "Did you do this? I saw you shuddering but I couldn't tell. Did you take her?"

"I ...I don't know. I was in shock. I don't remember."

The only thing I was worried about was if I could be the strong one this time, to pull her through this hardship. She cried on the linoleum as rain pattered against the small window. The downpour hit hard and the bathroom closed in on us from all sides. I was lost in our loss. We floated in a sea of agony atop of a soft throw rug. I held her close as I felt the ground begin to undulate. I held her to comfort her and to stay afloat. I needed an anchor. But I submerged nevertheless. I capsized into the blood and water in the toilet. I screamed into the liquid. Bubbles surrounded my face and rolled across my eyes, stinging as they fled upwards. Water rushed down my throat and filled my stomach. I gurgled and tried to cough it all out, but it was too much. My mind choked and gasped trying to stay buoyant as the fluid dumped into me. Torrents rushed in and then abruptly stopped. My mind sloshed about in the fluid, slowly listing from side to side and making me seasick. Vertigo threatened to overrun me until I grabbed a hold of myself and drained my remorse. I tried to wring all the guilt out, but no matter how hard I pressed, a bit lingered behind and soaked a corner of my mind. And that guilt weighed tons.

I held my wife tighter and rocked her back and forth.

Chapter 55

We each hesitated every time we came near the bathroom door. Thirteen weeks passed before Jessica was able to walk into the bathroom and not dwell on the miscarriage. I watched her gently tiptoe around as she readied for work. She had overcome but, on this particular day, I was overcome.

The day was bad from the start. I sat in a chair under the small shards of light that stole into the room. The apartment and I were unkempt and all I could do was sit and stare at the wall with my hands poised near my mouth.

"Lemme call you in, sweetie," she said, leaning out of the bathroom.

"Yeah," I said, "Not doing well."

She got off the phone and landed a gentle hand on my shoulder, calming me with the physical contact as the rest of my body convulsed. Rearing my head to look at her, I placed a hand on top of hers and tried to smile.

A dimple appeared in her cheek as she leaned in and kissed my forehead,

"Please George, take it easy today."

"Thanks ...love you."

"Love ya, too," Jessica smiled and kissed me. She pulled back with a sour look then quickly smirked to cover it up. I wonder if I'm getting that bitter?

She turned and left for work.

Time passed as it always does, neither feeling slow or fast, it just passed. I hadn't noticed a convulsion since she left. All I could think about was Jessica.

"My hands are shaking. Was that the door? No. I did hear a noise?"

Focusing on any one thing proved difficult as my eyes felt like they went cross. The only thing I could see was the light floating in my apartment. The beams came towards me and I laughed. They almost tickled.

"Another noise - it sounds closer. From the window?"

My curiosity climaxed as drowsiness rushed over me and I fought sleep. Sitting limply in the chair, sorrow settled on me. Sunlight warmed my skin and my blood felt tainted with the thin heat. My head pounded and my heart ached and I knew something was coming.

I braced for an exorbitant amount of trips as Death, ready for whatever was threatening, but nothing came. Bags loosely drooped from my eyes.

I rubbed my hands over the arms of the chair and gathered momentum to stand. I rose and swooshed along the wood floor, creaking towards the window. I bunched the curtains in my hand and yanked the cloth away. A barrage of light from the rising sun attacked me. My old knife wound throbbed.

I sulked away from the bright sun. My shadow spanned across the floor behind me and I watched it scurry and cower away. I slowly spread my fingers along the windowpane and the brilliant rays spilled between them and around my body, encompassing my dark figure in pure light. I looked over the skyline.

I stood a vigil over my city from far above. Feelings rose from the streets in waves, rippling from the cement, and into my head as a sensation of satisfaction. The streets were crowded as people bustled along without a care. Every one of those bodies that scrambled around could be next.

I'm after them, Oh God, after them all.

Tears welled in my eyes and I was cast aside from my own race. I was a stain, a blemish on the record of humanity. Even my shadow backed away.

But that was old news, nothing but unless thought. I reached towards my trench coat that was draped over the couch. I walked over and grabbed it and opened the window. A smile stretched across my face. This was the only recognizable time that I felt happy with myself. This was the time I realized I had to find a way out. If I just left the race then there would be harmony and everyone would be safe. No more me, no more death. I could stop it all. No more sadness, no more loss.

With a screech, the window opened and I stepped out into the open air.

I sent a stride into the open sky many stories up and it landed with a clank on the heavy metal fire escape. I sat keeping a careful watch over the doomed.

"But that's alright," I mumbled, "Because I'll save you. I save you all from me."

Chapter 56

Jessica came home and treaded softly into the living room, chilled by the breeze rushing in. A plate of my food scraps sat on the floor near the window. I could hear her keys drop against the end table. She looked out the window to see me sitting there, watching the sunset.

"Oh God ...you scared the hell of out me. What are you doing?" She sighed trying to calm down, "How are you doing, sweetie?"

"Better. Much better," I turned to her.

"Whacha looking at?" She smiled as relief rushed all over her face.

"The light."

Spanning the dim horizon, twilight engulfed the world as the beams of the late day hours began to disappear. It was the most amazing sight and I shared it with my love. I was joined with the atmosphere and mixed in the purple and orange haze of clouds, living with the light and making peace with it.

A mass of dark clouds loomed nearby though. My brain nagged for me to stay, but it was time to fight again. All the clouds merged and muscled the sunset away as storm clouds rumbled into the city.

"How long have you been out here, George?"

"Since you left for work."

"Come on in," she said, softly landing her hand on my shoulder.

I turned and looked over the city one last time, trying to imprint this moment into my mind.

"You know, I've spent all day out here and have seen every beautiful ordinary thing," I spoke out into the open air, "But the most beautiful was the light. At all times of the day and even at night, it held the most magnificence.

And for the first time in a long time, I didn't wonder what it held for me. It's so peaceful."

But it wasn't just peaceful it was illuminating. I discovered, over the city that day, that if I were to give up this mantle, things would be much worse. The original goal was to keep the gift to shield it from the wrong hands; if I was even the right hands. But if I rid myself of this gift, or die with it, the city below would suffer the same fate as I. Instead of each of them perishing one by one, I would go and they would linger on. I wouldn't do that to them. I wouldn't do that to Jessica.

Thunder rumbled from the distance and Jessica helped me back inside. I closed the window and kissed her all the way to the bedroom. Lightning flashed outside.

Chapter 57

If I had known the finality of it all, I would have held her longer. She was extra sweet that night. Every touch she left on me felt like she struck a piano key, leaving a resonance of music. Beethoven's Ninth played on the CD player, which I had forgotten to turn off earlier in the afternoon. To this day, it's still hard to listen to. Every one of her kisses left an indent on my skin that never faded. She held extra beauty and I saw it right away as she smiled the entire time. We laughed like children under the covers. I held my contentment as close as she held my head to her naked breast. Her heart pounded hard.

Afterward I sprawled out on the bed, listening closely to the music and enjoying my comfort. Sound danced on my chest and I smiled while the sweat dried. A cool breeze blew over and tightened the perspiration on my face. Minutes later I rose and washed my face in the bathroom, catching memories in the mirror of over three months ago when she rubbed our child within her stomach. The image of what happened in that room never left me. It plagued me.