Authors: J. Minter
“Doubtful,” Jill said. “Maybe once was enough for your buddy Mickey?”
I felt a twinge of disloyalty, but then Ava gave
me an apologetic look, and I remembered that what I was doing out here had more to do with the thousands of years of patriarchal domination than it did with one measly little art presentation.
But I knew that wasn't entirely valid.
Then, just to turn the scene really bizarre, a guy in overalls went running by us, yelling, “We want ass! We want ass!”
I knew something was wrong now, and the guilt was intensifyingâthat's when I saw my friend David come running out of the lecture hall. I smiled, because the sight of David made me childishly happy for a moment. But then my smile faded, because one look at him told me that something was very, very wrong.
Arno felt his body go limp, and then he just let it sort of fall into the big, forgiving oak tree that he had been hiding behind. Since he'd flipped off the former love of his life and dashed from her room, he'd been slinking around campus trying to get back to his friends without being seen by the Cruelest Woman in the Worldâi.e., Lara.
Actually he was afraid that if she saw him, and he saw her, that he would just burst into tears. Although secretly he really
did
want to run into her. Then she would see him cry, and she would know that he was more than just a face. That he was also a big jumble of feelings and ideas, and that he hurt.
He placed his hand on his chest, near his heart. It felt like a big, soggy, tear-soaked mass, but it was still beating. He knew it was still beating.
He dashed to the next tree. Across the lawn he spotted the lecture hallâall he had to do was get himself there.
But then he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, reminding him that he had a message. He pulled it out and clicked through his new text messages.
The were all from Gabby. In order, they read:
cant decide what to wear call me
where are u? going to party alone
at party where are u?
where are u?
going home
Arno's heart felt soggy and heavy all over again. He didn't understand how he could have moronically followed this conniving, evil girl to her evil campus lair when someone sweet and fun was waiting for him in her Lower East Side, parent-free, studio apartment.
There was only one thing to be done. He dialed Gabby's number and listened with great anticipation to the one ring before it went to voicemail.
Hey, this is Gabby's phone. Heart you!
Arno sighed heavily. “Gabby, this is Arno. I am a very flawed guy as you've probably discovered. I thought I was in love with somebody else, but it was a lie. I was using you so that I could fall in love with her, but really you were the one I was in love with all along. What I've done is unforgivable, but maybe you could find it in your heart to do that, and,
you know, forgive me. Gabby, please give me a second chance.”
Arno hung up, feeling that his heart was lighter already. He made a dash for the lecture hall.
David tried to slip as inconspicuously as possible down the aisle as the shouts of protest rose against his friend. But, of course, he was still six-five, and the image of him in the buff was still ingrained in the minds of many of the audience members. They reached out and grasped at his hands as he passed.
When he emerged into the bright and green outdoors, he had to close his eyes to adjust to the light. When he opened them, he saw that he was surrounded by people in animal masks.
A short person in a bear mask and big purple shirt was moving toward him. “It's him,” she said sharply, “the guy from the photographs. He's one of the cronies of the patriarchy.”
Two other animal-faced people stepped up behind the bear. “Crony of the patriarchy! Crony of the patriarchy!” they chanted.
David couldn't believe this was happening, and he was trying not to freak out. He opened his mouth to
protest, and then another personâthis one in a crow maskâjoined in. “Did you know that women still make seventy-five cents for every dollar a man makes?”
“Um, no. But I don't really make any money, so ⦔
“The position you hold in the patriarchy makes you complicit,” the crow snapped.
“Did you know that in this country a woman is sexually assaulted every two and a half minutes?” the bear added.
“I mean, that's awful,” David stammered.
The people in animal masksâDavid had now figured out that they were girlsâstepped toward him. “Awful doesn't begin to describe it.”
Just as David was wondering whether he shouldn't take his chances with the angry art fans, instead of the angry feminists, two more people joined the group. David knew instantly that the one in the penguin mask was a dude. Then he took the mask off.
David felt shock and anger and relief all at once.
“This is my friend David,” Jonathan said to the animal-faced crowd. “He's one of the good guys.”
“Sorry, Jonathan,” one of the masked girls said, “it's really nice that you're down with the cause and everything, but this guy was pictured front and center in the restaurant photos. He's so patriarchal he doesn't even realize it.”
Jonathan looked pained but adamant as he said, “Can't you hear yourself? He was pictured
front
and
center
. He was just as naked as all of the girls. It was a totally mixed group. And it was fun. Girls were having fun and guys were having fun. I mean
women
, the
women
were having fun.”
Jonathan sighed and fidgeted with his penguin mask. Then he turned to a girl in a tiger mask. “I'm sorry, Ava,” he said. “I think your cause is right on. I want you to have the same opportunities as I do, and I want to do everything in my power to make that possible. But I can't get with what you guys are saying about David. He's a super good guy, and he loves women. If there's no room in your activism for guys like us, who want equality for women, then I think that's just not right.”
There was a long pause, and several of the masked feminists shifted on their feet. Then they started clapping. “You go, boy,” one of them said.
Then Ava, the tiger girl, pushed up her mask. David was surprisedâalthough he knew he shouldn't have beenâto see that she was really pretty, with earthy freckles and clear blue eyes and shiny brown bangs brushed sideways across her face. She trembled a little bit and then she stepped forward and kissed Jonathan. David wished he had someone besides the bear girl to confirm what he was witnessing. But there it was, still
happeningâJonathan and this tiger girl were very publicly making out.
“Psst ⦔ David turned and saw Arno's head peaking around a tree. He tilted his head toward Jonathan and then Arno came hesitantly over. “What's going on?”
“No clue,” David whispered. “Did you find that Lara girl?”
“She broke my heart.”
“Oh. Bummer.”
“Yeah, totally. Hey, can we get out of here?”
“Um, I think Jonathan is busy.”
Just then, the doors to the lecture hall were flung open with a loud bang. David and Arno looked up and saw Mickey running in their direction with a mob of angry people behind him.
When Ava kissed me I knew that I was on the right path to being a good person. My insides roared with good feelings, and I knew that in some crazy cosmic way I was being rewarded for trying so hard to find a cause to believe in. So I wasn't surprised that the whole world seemed to be roaring, too.
I felt Ava's lips part from mine, and then I looked up to see all the people we had just watched enter the lecture hall start to pour out. They were roaring, but not for me. Ahead of them, but not by much, was Mickey Pardo, and he looked deeply freaked out.
“What's going on?” I hissed at David.
“It all went to shit,” he said. “I think we should really get out of here.”
I noticed that Arno was right behind him, but I couldn't figure out what was going on. I looked back at Ava, who was still holding my hand. “You should go,” she said regretfully. Then she pecked
me on the mouth, and it was the softest, sexiest peck I'd every experienced. “But if you don't call me when you get back to the city, I'm going to picket your life.”
I stared into her eyes for one last second, and then I turned to my guys. “Let's go!”
Mickey was right up behind us by then. “We gotta blow!” he was shouting. “Now!”
The crowd was growing now, and they were chanting, “Give our money back! Give our money back!”
So we ran. We ran for that tasteful wrought-iron gate we'd entered not twenty-four hours before, and as soon as we clear edit, we used all the strength we had to heave the thing shut. The art students were reaching the gates now, and they seemed really intent on taking something from us.
“They're definitely going to get through that thing,” I said. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, a canary-yellow Mercedes came screeching toward us off the road.
“Patch!” we all shouted, out of surprise as much as joy. He stepped out of the car and gave us a lazy smile. He looked even more tanned and handsome than usual. The art crowd behind us was
still yelling about their money, and happy as I was to see Patch, I really wanted to get my friends far away from Sarah Lawrence, and fast.
“Let's do it,” I said, and we all went piling into the car.
Patch sat back into the driver seat. “Hey dudes,” he said. Then he punched Mickeyâwho was in the front passenger seatâin the arm. “I'm really sorry I missed your art thing again, Bro.”
“Forget it,” Mickey said, looking wildy behind us. “Could you just step on it, please?”
Patch put the car into gear, and then we zipped onto the road, leaving all those bitter Sarah Lawrence art types behind.
“No man, I mean, I'm really sorry. I just⦠I had to get out for a while, go someplace, you know what I mean?”
“What happened?” I asked. Patch met my eyes in the rearview mirror.
“Greta made out with this ex-boyfriend of hers. She said it was a one-time thing and she's sorry, and part of me wants to get over it, you know? But another part of me thinks this a sign that it's time to move on. Anyway, I heard about this crazy school in California called Deep Springs. So that's where I went, to check it out.”
“Man, that sucks,” I said. “Are you all messed up about Greta?”
Patch shrugged. “I mean, we're cool. She's gotta do what she's gotta do, and I gotta do what I gotta do. Going to Deep Springs really helped. I think⦠that might be my place.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” Patch sighed heavily, “I know we all talked about going to school together next year and how awesome that would be. But I think what I have to do is go to this little school in California where no one knows who I am, or thinks they do. Will you guys still like me if I abandon you for a couple years?”
I sort of had to laugh at that. “Patch, you're
always
abandoning us, and we always like you anyway.”
The other guys nodded their agreement.
“And it's probably a good thing you missed my lecture,” Mickey muttered. He shook his head. “I can't believe it got that ugly. I mean, were my pictures
that
bad?”
“I thought they were good,” David said supportively.
“I mean, everyone loved them the first time around,” I chimed in.
“Uh, this
was
the first time around,” David said.
“What?”
“I had to take new pictures because Philippa hasn't come out to her parents. They were new pictures. Just pictures of the city when it's empty. Oh, and me, too.”
“Naked?” I said.
“Yeah, naked.”
“Mickey, don't take this the wrong way. But next time you do something like this, would you consult with me, please?”
“Well, I tried, but you had a Greenpeace thing. It was like you didn't have time for me, and that's when things got
messed
up.”
“I know. Forgive me,” I said. “I'll never do it again.”
We were on the parkway now, heading down toward the city, which sounded pretty much like the only place I wanted to be. There was a pause, and then Arno spoke up.
“I really feel your pain on the Greta thing. I just got my heart stepped on, too.”
“I knew Lara was bad news, man. I'm sorry that had to happen,” I said. “I'm sorry I didn't say anything.”
“It probably did have to happen,” he said. “The ironic thing is that I thought being with her would make me more deep, but I think it's the
not
being
with her that's teaching me all these new things about human nature and shit. Anyway, I'm just worried that Gabby won't talk to me anymore. I called her, though. Maybe she'll give me another shot.”
We were all quiet. It seemed doubtful, but I figured Arno had already had enough bad news for one day so I didn't say anything.
“Girls”âDavid said softly, but before he could finish the thought his phone went off. He made a face and answered it. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Really? That's great ⦠I mean, it's great for her ⦠No, I know you did what you had to do. It's cool, I'm still your kid ⦠I'll see you soon, okay, Mom? Bye.”
He threw the phone on the floor and shouted, “Yes!”
“What happened?” I asked, sensing I was missing one last piece of the puzzle.
“Oh, well, during the week that you dropped out of our lives, I started dating Sara-Beth Benny. You remember how
Mike's Princesses
worked? The dad's a stand-up comic by night, plumber by day, and ⦔
“I'm familiar with the show, David.”