Hold Me (28 page)

Katie didn’t answer.

Her mom sighed. “But I know how you feel. I understand what you’re saying.” She hesitated, then came back and sat next to Katie on the bed again. When she spoke, her voice was a little dreamy, her eyes focused on something only she could see.

“I’ve loved your father from the first time I saw him. He’d been friends with my brother. Same unit in the Army. After Billy was killed…” She drew in a deep breath. “After Billy was killed and Sean got out of the service, he stopped by the farm to pay his respects. Maybe ask for a job. He knew Daddy was in construction.” Now she smiled. “I was seventeen, and I opened the door when he knocked. Daddy wasn’t there, and Mama wouldn’t answer the door anymore. Not after they told us about Billy. Anyway, I opened the door, and there was this young man, all big and handsome and wearing his uniform.” She smiled. “And I just fell in love. I actually felt myself turn into a puddle at his feet.”

“Mom—” Katie tried to interrupt. She’d heard this story before, but now it just grated painfully across her raw emotions.

“A few days later, we were naked in the old apple orchard—”

“Mom!” She really didn’t want to hear about that.

“—and a few weeks after that, I realized I was going to have Darren. Your Grandpa McCreary went after Sean with a shotgun and forced him to do the right thing, but Sean was pissed. I understood. Here he was, twenty-one years old and just out of the Army. His whole life was ahead of him. Now he’s tied to some young girl he doesn’t even know.”

Katie was silent this time when she paused. Her mom stared at the floor then looked up at her, eyes blue and clear and drenched with tears. “He doesn’t love me.”

“Mom, you don’t—”

“He doesn’t love me, Katie. A woman does an awful lot of thinking when she’s been through what I’ve just been through. Sean has never once told me that he loves me. I’ve made excuses for him when he’s hurt me, forgiven him when he played around, but he…he just doesn’t love me. He cares about me, but he resents me too. Resents me after all of these years.” She paused. “He called Barbara.”

“What?” Katie asked, confused.

“He told me before you came back into the waiting room that he’d called Barbara when he was on his way out here. He didn’t have time to call me, but he called her. Talked to her. She told him I’d caused a scene when we went out to lunch. Didn’t tell him what it was about, of course, but he’s taken her word for it. He takes her word for everything. Never mine. I’ve always wondered whether they…well, it doesn’t matter.”

Katie put her arms around her mother. For a moment they just held each other.

Then her mom stood with a small and weary sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten into all of that. I didn’t mean to. I guess all I’m trying to say is that you’re right. You are absolutely right. No matter what I think, if Luc loves you, he has to be willing to tell you, to commit to you. You can’t go through your whole life wondering, making excuses, believing, and then find out you were wrong after you’ve been married to the man for almost thirty-six years. He has to say the words. You have to know.”

“Mom—”

“I’ll go now, honey, and leave you alone. Just try to sleep. Try to rest. You can think another day.”

“I love you, Mom,” Katie choked the words out.

“I know you do. And I love you too, baby.” Her mother walked to the door and opened it. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow before you go.”

Then she was gone. Back to the big red truck parked outside. Back to the man she loved with all of her heart. The man who did not love her.

Katie buried her face in the thin hotel pillow and cried.

After spending most of the next morning answering questions for the FBI and the police, Katie drove the rental car David had provided back to the hospital. She parked and stared at the ugly square building, her grip hard on the steering wheel.

What was she doing here?

When they’d spoken earlier, her mother had told her Melanie hadn’t come back to the hotel, which meant that she’d probably stayed with Luc all night. Katie wasn’t sure how she’d feel when she saw her foster sister again.

But she hadn’t slept much the night before. She’d spent a good deal of the time thinking. About Luc and Melanie. About her mom and dad. About Tom. About everything that had happened and what would come next. About her life as it was and would be and could be. About guilt and fear and how one could be used as an excuse to mask the other.

And at the end of the long, sleepless night she’d known she couldn’t leave without talking to Luc one more time. She needed at least that much…closure. She had to give him the chance to change his mind. She couldn’t walk away without making one more attempt. But, God, she just didn’t know if she was brave enough to go through with it.

Her fingers tightened on the wheel until they hurt, then she forced herself to let go, to open the door, to get out.

Melanie was indeed in Luc’s room, sitting at his bedside, talking earnestly, hands waving. Luc was watching her, beautiful eyes hooded and brooding.

Katie’s courage failed. She paused in the doorway, but she must have made some noise because Luc’s head jerked around, and she found herself trapped in his dark gaze.

Melanie turned, saw her, and stood and rushed to her. “Katie! Come in. Come in.”

Katie let Mel take her arm and urge her across the room, while she took the time to study Luc. He seemed better. That was a relief. He was too pale, of course, the lines on his face too deep. The tubes running into his wrist and the hospital gown he wore were reminders of what he’d just been through. But he was awake and alert. And he was looking at her without any expression whatsoever on his face.

“Listen,” Melanie said, a little too cheerfully. “I really need a cup of coffee. Why don’t you two chat while I go down to the cafeteria?”

“Mel—” Katie tried to protest, but Melanie ignored her and almost ran for the door.

“Back soon!” she called.

Startled, Katie stared after her. Whatever she’d expected from Melanie, this was not it.

“Subtle,” Luc murmured.

Katie turned to face him, awkward now that they were alone. After a tense pause, she sat in the chair next to his bed and tried to think of what she wanted to say. Hi, are you trying to push me away because you’re an emotional cripple who can’t deal with your own feelings? just didn’t seem like a good opener.

“Were you able to sleep?” she asked instead.

“Some.” His deep voice curled through her insides and made her stomach clench.

Silence.

“How are you?” She wanted to touch him, but didn’t dare.

“Okay.”

Silence again. Luc’s face was shuttered against her, his mouth a straight, unsmiling line. The scar stood out starkly against his cheekbone.

“I just came to say goodbye,” she said finally. “I’m leaving this afternoon.”

“Already?” Well, at least he was finally showing some emotion, even if it was disapproval.

She forced herself to shrug. Casual. “They said I could. I gave my statement to the police this morning.”

His dark brows drew together in a frown. “David agreed to let you go?”

“Did you think he was going to arrest me?”

He made a noise that was something like a growl. “No. But we don’t know if you’re still in danger.”

“Please.” She snorted. Better to snort than to cry, she always said. Better to do anything than cry in front of him again. “No one other than Frankie ever made a direct threat against me and he’s d…dead. David is sure that Joey Silvano and his uncle, the don, won’t bother with me. Liza’s in custody. Did you think I was going to hide under a rock forever?”

“No.” He didn’t say anything else, and Katie held her breath, wondering if he would suggest that she come back with him to the Museum. But he didn’t of course.

When the silence lengthened again, she spoke to fill it. “So, all’s well that ends well,” she said brightly. “You got your mole, Frankie’s gone, and I get to return to my boring little life.”

“Katie—”

She interrupted him, the words coming in a rush. “Actually I owe you big time for a lot of things. You might have gotten me into this mess, but you didn’t just leave me there. A lot of other people would have.”

“Yeah, well—”

“You saved me.” And you made love to me in ways I’ll never be able to forget. “Thank you.”

“Thank you?” He laughed bitterly. “Thank you? What the hell are you thanking me for? For coming into your life and ruining it? For ripping you away from any security you’ve ever known? For almost getting you killed?” He sounded so bitter and self-mocking that she couldn’t stand it.

“No,” she whispered. “Just thank you for coming into my life.” She leaned over and feathered a kiss along his cheek, along the scar.

He flinched.

She stood, pretending that she hadn’t noticed his reaction. Pretending he hadn’t just cut her deeply enough to make that scar look like a scratch. “Well, I guess I’d better go,” she said.

She waited.

He didn’t say anything.

She backed up a step.

He still didn’t say anything.

Katie stared at him for another long, silent time. Then she turned and walked to the door. He didn’t try to stop her and her heart broke all over again. Even if he wanted to, he wasn’t going to reach out to her. Even if he felt something for her, he was letting her go. No, he was pushing her away.

So this was really it. This was the end.

In the doorway, she paused, looked back at him, gave him one last chance. He was quiet.

“Go with God, Luc,” she said at last. “I know He’ll watch over you.”

“How do you know that?” His voice was just as soft as hers had been, just as strangled. Good. Make it hard. Make it awful for him too.

She smiled, and her lips quivered. “Because I’ll ask Him to.”

She left the room, walked down the hall, around a corner. Then she sagged into the wall, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest. Feeble protection against the hurt.

Things would get better. She knew they would. The pain would dull. Maybe it would never go away completely, but someday it would become bearable and she’d get on with her life. Someday she’d be able to look back at this last week as an adventure, as a memory. It just wasn’t today. And it wouldn’t be tomorrow. Or the day after that. But all she had to do was endure. To exist. One step at a time. One day at a time. And it would get better.

Someday.

“Katie?”

Melanie.

Katie straightened and turned to face her foster sister. Melanie was standing close by, watching her with a concerned expression on her face.

Katie cleared her throat. “Hi, Mel.” That sounded normal. Good. Normal was good.

“Are you okay?”

She wasn’t quite sure how to answer that one. “I’m leaving.”

Which pretty much said it all.

Melanie’s pretty hazel eyes widened. “You are?”

“The police have released me so I can go home. I don’t have any reason to stay.”

Melanie looked down the hall, then back again. “You don’t?”

“No.”

“Aarrgh!” Mel threw her hands up in the air. “What an incredible asshole!”

Katie blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Not you. Him.” Melanie shook her head, and Katie watched the silky-straight brown hair flare around her shoulders. If she closed her eyes, she could see Luc’s hand touching that hair, caressing it.

She pushed the memory aside with an act of will. “I have to go.” She couldn’t stay here.

“Wait.” Melanie clutched at her arm. “Wait, okay? I have to talk to you.”

“Not now.”

“Yes, now.” Her sister looked around at the busy hospital corridor. “But not here.”

Without waiting to hear any arguments from Katie, Melanie pulled her over into a little alcove where upholstered chairs had been set up for family visits. Mel pushed her into a chair and then perched in another next to her. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“This isn’t going to stop me from leaving,” Katie warned.

Melanie heaved an exasperated sigh. “Okay, okay.” She fidgeted. “God, this is harder than I thought.”

Katie stared at her, purposefully not helping.

Eventually Mel sighed again and looked right at her. “Okay. First of all, Luc doesn’t love me. Or, I should say that he does, but only as a sister. It’s nothing compared to how he feels about…you.”

Katie swallowed. “So?”

“So, Mom seems to think you might have gotten a different impression.”

Katie stared at her. “You’ve talked to Mom about this?”

“Well, of course I did. I’m not stupid. I saw your face when you left yesterday, and I was worried. She told me you might think Luc doesn’t care about you and that you need to step back because he’s in love with me. And he’s…not.”

Hey, thanks a lot, Mom.

“Man, this is embarrassing.” Mel’s voice lowered, and she cast a furtive glance around as if to make sure no one could overhear them. Her hair slid forward to hide her face a little bit more. “Okay, here’s the whole truth, and you’d better listen up because I only plan on saying this once. I’ve…I’ve been in love with Luc forever. He always tried to protect me when, well, you know, and he was so nice to me. After I moved in with your family we kept in touch, but I wanted to, uh, keep him a secret, I guess. He was mine, the only thing I had. I didn’t want to share.”

“Then why in the world did you try to set me up with him on a blind date for that party three years ago?” Katie asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

Melanie blushed bright red and stared at the floor, then looked at her again. “Oh, boy. Well, it was because…because I was desperate. I wanted to see him. Dance with him. Or something. Maybe get him to see me as someone other than a little girl he’d protected. Not a sister. You know, vamp him.” She squirmed on the edge of the chair. “I knew he wouldn’t go on a date with me—he’d always been clear about how he felt about me—so I thought I’d see if he’d go with you. He kept asking me about Annie and how she was doing, so it sounded like he wouldn’t mind meeting you. But I was a little surprised when he said yes right away.”

Now it was Katie’s turn to look at the floor. “I get it. You used me.”

“No.” Melanie flapped her hands and then folded them tightly in her lap. “I thought it would be good for you too. You needed to get out more, and I knew he could be so charming…oh, hell, I don’t know. Things got all messed up, and I felt so bad that he stood you up like that, but then you met Tom and everything seemed to be okay. And when Luc didn’t show up, I thought maybe he’d changed his mind about me, about how he felt or something. That he was afraid of his feelings. Oh, I don’t even know what sort of romantic bullshit I was thinking. Even when he got engaged to Liza, I just saw what I wanted to see.” She chewed on her lip. “Right up until you left the hospital room yesterday. That’s when I finally understood what was going on.”

Katie shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

Melanie stared down at her feet. “That’s when I saw that Luc was in love with you.”

Katie let out a huff of air. “Yeah, right.”

“And he’s scared of you.”

“Oh, sure.” Katie laughed, but it was without humor.

Melanie grabbed her hands. “It’s true, I swear it. I was…jealous last night. Of the way he was looking at you. He’s never looked at anybody like that before. I hurt you with the way I acted, and I’m so, so sorry, but you have to believe me.”

“Melanie,” Katie sighed and squeezed her sister’s fingers. “What about you?”

“Me?” Melanie clung to her. “I’ll be okay. I always am. Like I said, I’ve known the score for years, I just didn’t want to admit it. You’re really not leaving because of me, are you? Mom said you might. Don’t walk away from him because of me, Katie. I swear I’m fine and I never had a chance anyway and Luc—”

“Melanie,” Katie said again, cutting her off. “I’m not walking away because of you. I don’t want you to be hurt, and if he loved you back the way you love him, I’d dance at your wedding.” She hoped. She held Mel’s hands even tighter. “I’m leaving because of him. Honey, if you’re right, if he feels something for me, then he has to tell me. And he hasn’t said a word.” And she knew he never would.

“See, he’s not very good at talking about things like that.” Melanie’s face was eager.

“Don’t apologize for him, Mel. Don’t try to make excuses for him. Either I’m important to him, or I’m not.”

“Katie—”

“Please,” Katie interrupted. “Just let it go for now, all right?” Her heart felt like ragged shards of glass rattling around inside her chest, and she couldn’t take any more.

Before Melanie could say anything else, Katie hugged her, this person who’d been such an important part of her life for twenty years. How strange to realize there was so much more to Melanie than she’d ever suspected. They’d have to talk, but not now. Not now.

“Just let me go, honey.” Her voice choked.

“Katie—” Mel clutched at her.

“It hurts, okay? I have to go, sweetie. I really do.”

Neither of them said anything.

“Okay,” Melanie whispered.

Katie squeezed her sister one last time, then got up and walked out of the hospital. A few minutes later she was in her rental car heading home.

Later, a long time later, Luc lay in his cold, sterile hospital room and stared at the faded photograph. Two girls still smiled at the camera, but the picture didn’t bring him the comfort it once had. It never would again.

Katie was gone. She’d left him. He’d pushed her away. He sighed. Well, it was for the best.

Melanie had been pretty angry with him. She’d stomped around the room for a time, then thrown up her hands and left him alone. He was glad.

Knowing that he only did what he had to do didn’t make it hurt any less. He felt as though someone had carved out his insides and left the shell to rot.