Hit the Road, Manny: A Manny Files Novel (6 page)

I ran out of room on the postcard even though I had three more P.S.’s to write.

Mom and Dad wanted to get an early start because we were driving all the way from Chicago to as far as we could get in Iowa. They tried to carry us out to the RV without waking us up. We didn’t even get dressed, we just stayed in our pajamas. I woke up but let Dad carry me anyway. Lulu woke up when the manny grabbed ahold of her feet and Dad grabbed underneath her shoulders like she was a dead body. Lulu told them she would walk because she was afraid that they would drag her across the pavement and get the bottom of her pajamas dirty in an embarrassing spot. India and Belly didn’t wake up at all. They didn’t even wake up when we stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts, but I picked out doughnuts for them anyway. A glazed twist for India and a sprinkle-covered doughnut for Belly even though she doesn’t need sugar. Sugar makes her hyper, and Mom says that Belly is “cavity prone.” Mom hates taking Belly to the dentist. Belly screams likes she’s being tortured even when they’re just doing a routine cleaning. Mom’s been “referred” four times to new dentists. “Referred” is a nice way of saying, “Please don’t bring your daughter back here.”

The manny says that maple long johns are his weakness. He had two and a half before he finally stopped and drank his coffee. I had a regular glazed doughnut. I pointed out to the manny that I had only
one
because I have self-control. He said he couldn’t laugh because his stomach hurt. He still had his pajamas on too. Striped pajama bottoms and a green T-shirt that said “Local Celebrity” on it in yellow letters.

The RV was very quiet. Mom fell back to sleep in the passenger seat, and Lulu listened to Diana Ross and the Supremes on her iPod. I tried to talk to her, but she hit me in the shoulder and snarled, “Be quiet, I’m listening to my music.”

I rubbed my numb shoulder while Lulu sang along, “‘What the world needs now is love sweet love…. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.’”

I was just going to tell her that her singing was really good, almost like a professional’s. When her song finished, she took out her earbuds and asked me what I had wanted.

“What happened to the money Mom and Dad gave you?” I asked.

“What money?” Lulu seemed confused.

“The money they gave you for singing lessons,” I said, and smiled. The manny made a
ba-dum-bum
sound, like he was playing a drum for a comedian.

Lulu didn’t understand the joke, turned off her iPod, and started reading
To Kill a Mockingbird
out loud. So far India’s favorite character in
To Kill a Mockingbird
is Dill because he has a “unique way of looking at the world.” Even though his life’s not perfect and his mom has left him, he doesn’t feel sorry for himself. He still has fun.

After a few hours we were nearly out of Illinois and everybody was asleep except for Dad, who was driving; the manny, who was eating India’s doughnut; and me, who was bored out of my mind. Lulu was sleeping with her book on her lap. The manny showed me a fun game called sugar and spice, where you wave to people who are passing you on the highway. He said that they are sugar if they wave back and spice if they don’t. Everybody was spice, and we got bored with the game. That’s when we decided to make a
JUST MARRIED
sign and hang it out the side window. The manny wrote
JUST MARRIED
in big black letters on two pieces of pink construction paper, which I taped together. I pressed the sign up against the window and waited for people to pass to see if they would see it. An older lady did see it and blew kisses and waved but stopped when she saw that we were a whole family and not honeymooners.

A lady in a white Subaru station wagon rolled down her window and yelled, “Congratulations!” I pulled the sign away from the window and hid it underneath my bottom. The manny covered up his laughter with both of his hands and kicked his feet wildly like he couldn’t control himself. We looked around to see if the lady or the manny had woken anybody up. They hadn’t. Lulu had her mouth gaping open, and her cheek was all wet from drool. Her book had fallen off of her lap and was lying on the ground on her boundary line that she had made. India’s head was under a pillow. Belly was curled up in a ball in her car seat. And Mom was snoring a little. Dad always talks about how Mom snores, but she always denies it.

When we were sure that nobody had woken up, I held the sign against the window again. The first car that passed didn’t even notice. They just drove, talking to each other and making hand gestures. I bet they were talking about their feelings. That’s the way Mom and Dad talk when they talk about their feelings. Like the time Dad felt underappreciated because Mom was working so much.

Then a big McDonald’s semitruck drove by, saw the sign, and pulled down on his horn.
Byaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I pulled the sign away and sat on it again. The manny giggled but stopped because he didn’t want us to get caught.

Everybody in the RV jumped up at once. Lulu jerked awake. Belly screamed. India’s pillow went flying across the RV. Mom stopped snoring and yelled, “What the
hell
?”

When Mom said this, Lulu gave her a conduct mark for inappropriate language. It’s Mom’s second conduct mark. The first one was for saying the
S
word when she spilled her coffee all over her lap. Mom says the
S
word when she gets hurt or really mad. She is trying to say it less because I started calling the
S
word “Mom’s word.”

“Ummmm! They said Mom’s word!” I said when we were watching
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
on DVD.

Mom’s conduct marks will probably all be for language. Other than that, she’s pretty well behaved.

The truck went flying by, blasting its horn over and over again. Mom accused Dad of driving recklessly. India said that maybe the trucker saw that the RV was full of kids who would enjoy the blast of a semitruck horn. India always has a positive attitude. That’s what Grandma used to say about her.

Lulu said that the trucker was probably hopped up on McDonald’s coffee and Egg McMuffins. Grandma never said that Lulu had a positive attitude. She said that Lulu was “suspicious.” When Lulu was eight, she used to make Mom taste all of her food just in case someone had poisoned it.

“But what if it
is
poisoned?” Mom asked, wondering why Lulu thought it was okay for her to eat poison.

“I know how to dial 911,” Lulu assured her.

Mom looked back at the manny and me like maybe we knew why the truck driver had blared his horn.

“It’s a McMystery!” The manny shrugged.

I laughed and made sure the
JUST MARRIED
sign was well hidden underneath me. Belly said that she needed to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at a convenience store. Mom didn’t want to unpack the luggage from the RV bathroom. We all went inside in our pajamas, except for Mom and Dad. They were dressed. Dad pulled next to a pump and got out to get gas.

Inside the store India picked out a bag of Smartfood to buy. Lulu had a V8 in her hands. She loves tomato juice. I tried it once because tomato juice seems so grown-up, but it didn’t taste like juice at all. It tasted like cold soup and dirt. Belly and Mom were in the bathroom. We could hear Belly singing, “‘Stacy’s mom has got it going on…’” through the thin fake-wood door. That song is on one of India’s
Now
CDs, and Belly loves it. Belly sings when she’s on the toilet like it’s a stage. The manny says that Céline Dion probably does the same thing. Then he imitated Céline Dion: “‘I drove all night to get to you….’” Then he stopped and yelled in a fake French accent, “René plez bring me zum toy-let pa-pear. We are out in zee upztairs restroom!” René is Céline’s husband, who looks like a teddy bear.

Lulu grumbled and followed India over to the glass-door refrigerators to look for drinks. India wanted an orange Fanta.

The manny and I went to the candy section. He picked up a candy necklace and said, “Oh, Keats, this would look gorgeous with your coloring.”

I started to laugh and grab a Fun Dip to say, “Hey, are you havin’ fun, dip?” when I noticed two teenage boys standing at the end of the candy aisle holding pouches of the bubble gum that looks like chewing tobacco. They were whispering to each other and glancing at us, laughing. I smiled and thought how I wanted to be like the manny because he can even make strangers laugh. Then I noticed that the boys weren’t smiling, but were rolling their eyes. They were making fun of the manny. I looked at him. He did look silly in his pajamas, but we were all in our pajamas.

I looked around, wishing the manny could just blend in better and not attract attention.

The manny didn’t seem to notice the boys, or if he did, he ignored them. He just stood there in his pajamas scanning the aisles. “Ahh,” he screamed. “Milanos!” And he grabbed a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

“Shhh!” I shushed him, trying to get him to talk more quietly.

The two boys elbowed each other and mumbled something about the manny. They stared at him and then at me. One of them said, “What a queer!”

I moved to the chip aisle. I pretended to be looking for a snack, but I was really trying to move away from the manny so that the two boys wouldn’t think I was with him. The manny followed me into the chip aisle, so I quickly went into the magazine aisle. The manny followed me. He picked up a copy of the
Enquirer
, pointed at the cover picture, and said, “EGAD! That’s the same extraterrestrial that abducted me about two months ago!”

Normally, I would have laughed, but the two boys were imitating the manny, only they were making him sound like a six-year-old little girl with a high voice.

“Egad! Ha, ha, ha!” And they threw their hands up in the air like they had seen a mouse on the ground.

Before I could control it, I blurted out at the manny, “Stop it, you’re embarrassing me!”

The manny didn’t say anything. He tilted his head back and looked around and noticed the two boys that were flapping their hands. When he looked back at me, his face was whiter than usual.

I fled from the store past the two boys and out to the RV. Dad had a squeegee and was washing the big front window of the RV. I climbed in, sat in my seat, and buckled my seat belt, ready to leave. My ears were throbbing and felt like they were burning red. They felt just like they had the time that I was walking down the hallway at school and a pair of Mom’s underwear fell out of the pant leg of my jeans. They had gotten static cling in the dryer and clung to the inside of my jeans. Sarah picked them up and folded them and put them in my backpack. The next day she brought me a
Victoria’s Secret
catalog to “pick out what I wanted for my birthday.” She laughed until her eyes were watering. I pointed out the lip-shaped cinnamon mints and asked her to order me two boxes.

Mom, Belly, India, Lulu, and the manny walked out of the store just as I reached up to feel how hot my ears were. The manny did look silly in his pajamas. The two boys had come outside too and were still staring at the manny. They had Red Bulls and gum tobacco pouches in their hands. Belly was on the manny’s shoulders, and the two of them were scream-singing, “Lulu’s mom has got it going on!” I wished the manny could just be normal and not always have to be so funny. But Lulu and India were laughing, and Mom was walking like a supermodel and wiggling her bottom. India calls that kind of walk “shaking your junk.” I wanted to disappear but at the same time wished I were out there laughing with them. I can really shake my junk.

They climbed into the RV and settled into their seats. Belly had a Ring Pop on and was admiring it like she had just gotten engaged. She had her hand held out in front of her and was moving it so she could get a look at the big red jewel from all angles. The manny handed me a package of Red Vines and a Country Time lemonade. He also handed me a stack of postcards.

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you,” he said. “Sometimes I go over the top. That’s what my dad used to say to me all the time. He used to tell me that I needed to tone it down. I used to embarrass him, too. I’ll try to tone it down out in public.”

I thought about apologizing, but I just sat there silently sipping my lemonade through a licorice straw that I had made by biting both ends off of a Red Vine. The manny taught me that trick.

The manny looked out the window and opened up his bag of Milano cookies and started to eat one.

“Mmmm,” he said in an unenthusiastic, unmannylike way.

After I finished my Red Vines and lemonade, I tried to think of something funny to say to the manny so he would know I wasn’t mad at him or so he would forgive me for hurting his feelings. We were in Iowa, and I saw a green sign that said
WATERLOO
—3
MILES AHEAD
on it. I unbuckled my seat belt and rifled through Mom’s book of CDs. I found the ABBA CD right in between Paul Simon’s
Graceland
and Guns N’ Roses’
Appetite for Destruction
.

I put ABBA in the CD player and turned it up really loud. Mom, who was driving, got it immediately. She rolled down all the automatic windows. She must have caught on to what I was doing. Mom’s always one step ahead.

“Waterloo—I was defeated, you won the war. Waterloo—promise to love you for ever more. Waterloo—couldn’t escape if I wanted to.”

The people walking on the sidewalks in Waterloo stared at us like we were a group of escaped convicts. Mom started seat dancing. She was even swerving a little back and forth to the music, like the whole RV was dancing. Soon we were all seat dancing. The music was so loud that we barely heard the police sirens.

When Mom noticed the flashing red lights in her rearview mirror, she quickly turned off the music and pulled over to the right side of the road.

The RV was completely quiet except for Belly, who went, “OOOOOOH!” like the kids do at school when the secretary comes on the loudspeaker and calls kids down to the principal’s office. The kids in my class made that sound last April when the secretary said over the loudspeaker, “Keats Dalinger, please report to the principal’s office immediately. Keats Dalinger, please report to the principal’s office immediately.” The secretary always repeats herself.

I had forgotten my lunch, and the manny delivered it to me. Later, at recess, Craig asked if I had gotten in trouble. I lied and told him yes because I thought it made me sound tougher. When he asked what I had gotten in trouble for, I panicked and told him that I had been caught taking caffeine pills so that I could stay up and study for tests. It didn’t really happen to me. It happened to Jessie Spano on
Saved by the Bell
. Craig just looked at me funny and ran off to play kickball. Sarah told me that she had seen that rerun of
Saved by the Bell
too.

Belly was still making the “Oooooh” noise when the police officer walked up to Mom’s rolled-down window. Lulu shushed her. She did it so hard that spit came flying out of her mouth, and Belly had to wipe her face off with her hands. Her “Oooooh” turned into an “Ewwwww!”

The police officer had on aviator sunglasses that he didn’t take off. His buttoned up shirt stretched tight across his stomach, and his farmer-tanned arms had big muscles. A farmer tan is when you have sleeve marks on your arms from the sun. Dad gets them when he plays golf. When he takes his shirt off, he still looks like he has one on, except for his nipples.

“Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?” the officer asked.

“She was going forty-seven miles per hour, sir!” I shot my head up between the front seats of the RV to inform the police officer. I had looked at the speedometer right when I heard the police siren. Mom turned to me and glared, so I sat back in my seat.

“You do know that this is a thirty-five-mile-per-hour zone, don’t you?”

“I’m sorry, Officer,” said Mom. “We were listening to ABBA, and the excitement took control of me. It will never happen again.”

The officer didn’t even smile when Mom tried to use ABBA as an excuse for speeding. He said, “You’re right. It won’t happen again,” and he asked to see her license and registration.

Just then Belly ran up to the front of the RV and said in her most amazed voice, “ARE YOU A REAL POLICE GUY?” She climbed on Mom’s lap, ignoring the authority that police officers have. She tried to touch his shiny badge with her pointer finger, but Mom slapped her hand away softly.

That didn’t stop Belly. She reached out the window and tried to take the police officer’s sunglasses off of him.

I could see Mom squeezing the back of Belly’s neck, trying to get her to stop.

“I
am
a real police officer, young lady. What’s your name?”

“MIRABELLE, BUT CALL ME BELLY.”

“Because you’re as cute as a button?” the officer said, trying to make a belly button joke. It wasn’t funny, but we all laughed really loudly like he was Jim Carrey making faces. India even slapped her knee and pretended to be brought to tears with laughter. We thought it might help Mom get out of a speeding ticket if we laughed at all the officer’s jokes.

It worked. The officer told Mom to put away her license and registration and gave her a warning. His name was Renny. I’ve never met anyone named Renny before. I think it must be short for Renaldo or Renegade. We ended up standing on the side of the road, still in our pajamas, taking a picture of Belly with the policeman in front of his police car. Belly on the police officer’s shoulders. Belly in handcuffs leaned against the police car, pretending to be getting arrested. That’s my favorite one. I told Dad that it should be our Christmas card, with the caption “Here’s looking ahead to the future! Happy holidays from the Dalingers!”

Officer Renny even let Belly talk over his loudspeaker.

She said, “MOM…CRAZY DRIVER!”

Mom laughed her nervous laugh where she tries to pretend that she’s amused. It’s the same laugh she did at the mall pet store when Belly announced to the lady who was holding a puppy for kids to pet, “PUPPIES CRAP IN THE HOUSE, RIGHT, MOM?” Belly had heard Mom tell that to India when India wanted to get a new puppy the same week we got new carpet in the living room.

Officer Renny said good-bye to us and told Mom to watch her speedometer.

“I will,” Mom promised, and Dad climbed into the driver’s seat.

Officer Renny stood at the passenger-side window and said, “My favorite ABBA song is ‘Dancing Queen.’”

Dad started the RV and changed the song to “Dancing Queen.” We pulled away as Officer Renny was dancing on the side of the road, trying to make Belly laugh through the window. Belly laughed and made the crazy sign by making circles next to her head with her finger.

The manny looked over at me and said, “Nice going, ace! You almost got your mom jail time.” He laughed and messed up my hair, which I hadn’t brushed yet anyway. I like it when the manny calls me ace. I always call him joker.