Authors: Jenika Snow
Chapter
One
Four years later
Pain
isn’t just a word, but
the physical
feeling caused by disease, injury, or something that hurts the body. It’s a
mental or emotional suffering, one that is so profound, so
intense,
it can end a life with no effort. Sadness, tragedy, or even self-hatred can
cause the crippling effect of that pain, can render a person immobile, and
steal their breath.
All
of those things and more were what Ace Renaldo had felt every day of his
miserable twenty-three year existence, and after his father died it only got
worse. But there was one small sliver of light in his fucked-up existence, one
shred of hope that he held onto.
Lauren
Dunn.
She’d
been there for him on that first day of school. He hadn’t given a shit where he
was going or what he would do. She’d seen something in him he hadn’t seen in
himself, and that had started a lifelong friendship. She’d been there for him
when his ugly and dark parts consumed him, when he didn’t even want to be there
for himself.
Even
now he remembered the one and only time he’d broken down in front of her. She’d
just held him and told him she wasn’t going anywhere. So he’d tried to be
better for her, but he could never get rid of the vileness that was engrained
in his soul. So, he fought, didn’t drink alone anymore, and it helped him see
that life didn’t have to be grim because he’d had a shitty upbringing.
For
as long as he could remember Ace had been living in his own self-hatred and
disgust, living with the shame that he’d endured so much, yet probably deserved
every single moment of it. Everything that happened was a direct result of what
he’d done, or didn’t do in most cases.
He
never wanted anything for himself, never even entertained the idea of having
something he could call his own. But he
did
want something for himself, wanted something that caused his ugly pain inside
to recede and fill with something else … maybe hope? His pain didn’t leave,
didn’t vanish after that hope, but it did fade enough that he wasn’t confused
with its ugliness.
He
looked down at his arms, sweat lining the tattooed flesh. Even under the ink he
still saw the cigar burns from his old man, still remembered the smell of
burning flesh, of the sound of his skin sizzling, and then the numbness that
followed the pain. It was that numbness that he wrapped himself up
in,
clung on tight to as a little boy. Without it he’d have
been lost.
He
started punching the red bag in front of him, feeling his anger mount, his
desire for the one woman he’d never really have consume him. He was at the
cheap gym in the town he lived in, and although he had a good paying job
working at a construction contractor’s firm, he preferred the grittier part of
the city. It made him feel like he didn’t have to be someone or something he wasn’t.
He could come here, work out amongst the poverty-stricken guys, the thugs,
violent men that didn’t put up with shit, and he liked it that way.
For
another twenty minutes he worked out, adding to the already hour and a half
he’d been at the gym. It was going on seven in the morning, and he still had a
full day of work ahead of him. The only thing that didn’t have him going
completely mad was the fact he could look forward to seeing Lauren at the end
of the day.
He
grabbed onto the bag, braced his weight on it, and closed his eyes, breathing
out. Lauren, fucking Lauren, the one woman that consumed his thoughts, the one
person that made him
want
to be better. But Ace knew he could never be with her in the way he wanted. He
fought too much, had too much violence and darkness in him still, and although
she knew about his past and that his father had beaten him in drunken fits,
Lauren was still too pure and good for him.
She
was his best friend, and he didn’t want to fuck up the only good thing in his
life.
Ace
took a step back, pressed his hand to the bag to steady it, and then in a fast
move, using all of his strength, he slammed his fist into it. Pain exploded in
his knuckles, the tape surrounding his skin unable to block the impact well
enough. He cursed, clenched and released his hand, and turned to stalk toward
the locker room.
Once
inside he slammed the door shut, knowing he needed to get a hold of his
emotions, but feeling his rage rise up. Working out at the gym helped get some
of that ugliness out, but it didn’t help all the time, like right now. What he
needed was a nice bloody fight, one that wasn’t quite legal, but where the cops
looked the other way because the place it was located wasn’t on the up and up.
But those were the best kind of fights, the raw, blood … gore. Those and bar
fights were fucking good at getting him loose and relaxed. He’d never change,
never
not
have to
fight to get this nasty darkness out, but he dealt with it.
Going
into the shower room he got undressed and turned on the tap, waiting for it to
heat up before stepping inside. The water helped his sore muscles, washed away
the sweat, but did nothing to help his anger. And then he thought about her,
all wet and slick as she showered with him. Of course she never had, but the image
of what she’d look like naked, waiting,
needy
for him,
slammed into Ace’s head with so much force he braced a hand on the tiled wall
before him. His cock jerked forward, punched out hard and demanding, and he
felt like a sick fucking bastard. He shouldn’t be thinking about Lauren when he
was juiced up like this, needing a fight to feel pain and give it.
Groaning
in frustration he quickly washed, stepped out and toweled dried off, then went
over to his bag and got dressed. He’d work until he was exhausted, spend the
evening with her and enjoying the light she shed on his darkness, and he hoped
he’d be able to control himself enough that he didn’t ruin what he already had
with her.
****
Lauren
stirred the cream sauce that would go over the chicken. She tasted it, wrinkled
her nose, and added more salt. She made dinner for Ace several times a week,
not because she had to, but because she wanted to. She had other friends she
spent time with, had the bookstore she helped manage with her mother, but Ace
was her one true connection in this world, as strange and ridiculous as that
might sound to some people.
They’d
gone through a lot over the many years they’d been together. There had been ups
and downs, times where she grew frustrated that he couldn’t help himself to
move forward. But then she told herself she’d never experienced what he had,
and getting frustrated with him was not what she should be doing.
After
making sure the table was set, turning off the oven but letting the food stay
in there to warm, she went into the bathroom to clean up. She had her long
strawberry blonde hair up in a messy bun, had sauce on her cheek and neck, and
quickly cleaned off her face with some water. The truth was she didn’t just do
these dinners because Ace was her friend. Her love for him had grown over the
years, and she hoped that maybe one day things would progress. But Lauren also
didn’t want to ruin what they had.
So
she’d take her time with things, let him lead the way, and if he ever wanted to
move things along to a more intimate level she’d tell him this was what she’d
been waiting for.
Lauren
dried off her face, then let her hair down but put it in a loose braid. After
she finished putting on a little eye makeup, she heard the sound of Ace pulling
into the driveway. Leaving the bathroom she watched him through the living room
window as he climbed out of his vehicle, all six-foot-three inches of him. Even
though he worked as a construction contractor and did hard labor, he also
worked out religiously. She knew it wasn’t just to keep in shape, but the fact
he needed that release to help calm the darkness in him.
He
walked toward her front door, his big body moving like some kind of damn wild
animal. Yeah, she’d gone there, but it was true. In the last four years he’d
gotten his tattoos finished, meaning he now had full sleeves on both of his
arms, and even the majority of his chest was covered. She hated that he felt
the need to try to cover up what had happened, but she also knew why he had to
do it. Ace needed that for himself.
She
opened the door before he even reached it, and her smile faded when she saw the
look on his face. He was in one of those moods. It was the kind that she’d
witnessed hundreds of times over the years, the kind that pulled him down and
held on tight. He was depressed, living in the past, and she could see how
tense his body was. Sometimes this happened, not always, but when it did she
knew that what he needed was to know he wasn’t alone. Some people wouldn’t have
stuck around, wouldn’t have bothered with a man they saw as “too damaged” to be
loved. But Lauren saw something so special and warm in Ace, and to her he was
the one for her.
“Hey, Poppy.”
She
smiled at the term of endearment he called her on occasion. Poppies were her
favorite flower, and when he’d found that out years ago he had started calling
her that. It made her feel warm and
fuzzy,
made her
feel even closer to him.
He
came up to the front door and smiled, just a sad smile that barely had the
corner of his mouth lifting. She looked down at his knuckles, saw they were
bruised and scabbed over, and knew that over the last couple of days he’d been
fighting extra hard. He was either not protecting himself at the gym, or he was
doing the back alley bare-knuckle fighting.
“Ace—”
“Not
now, Poppy.” He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and then moved past her
and into the house.
She
shut the door, and before he could move away from her anymore, she reached out
and grabbed his hand. He looked over his shoulder, stared down at her hand, and
she saw and heard him swallow. “Come here, Ace.” She tugged on his hand until
he turned around and moved toward her again. Looking up at him, she reached up
and brushed her hand over his forehead, moving the short hair back, but smiling
when it fell right back into place. “You know I don’t want the negative stuff
in the house.” It might sound stupid to have a rule like that, but she’d seen
the difference it made in him.
“You’re
right, and I’m sorry.”
He
exhaled, nodded, and pulled her in for a hug. They just held each other for
what felt like forever, and when Ace placed his hand on the back of her head,
holding her to the center of his chest, she closed her eyes and just absorbed
the feeling of having him close. “I wish I could make you happy all the time, Ace.”
He
pulled back, this pained expression on his face. “
Poppy
.” He closed his eyes, “God, please don’t say shit like that.”
He opened his eyes, the startling green piercing right through her. “If not for
you I don’t even know where I’d be.” He clenched his jaw, the light stubble on
his cheeks dark, just like the short hair on his head. “That’s not true. I know
exactly where I’d be.”
They
didn’t say anything after that, neither saying what or where he’d be if things
had been different. After she’d finished school and had her own place Ace had
already gotten on his feet, had a nice place in a better area of town, and she
knew that he was in a good place in his life right now, at least on the
outside, and doing better than he’d been in
a long time. Now she stayed close, kept
him
close, and things had been good. Maybe one of these days she’d
be able to tell him how she felt, but until then she’d enjoy the once in a
lifetime friendship she had with this man.
“Come
on, let’s eat.” She pulled out of his hold, and chuckled when he pulled her in
for one
more big
hug.
“You
smell so good.” He inhaled. “You always smell so good, like sugar cookies.”
She
chuckled, and when he let her go she went into the dining room. Her apartment
was small, but it was in a nice neighborhood. She was comfortable, and she was
able to have Ace come over all the time. But Lauren knew there would be a time
when he eventually found someone, a nice woman that could give him everything
he needed and wanted. And she honestly didn’t know what she’d do when that day
came.
Chapter
Two
“This
place is packed,” Lauren said loudly, as the music was pretty damn extreme.
Ace
grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, not liking that he noticed a bunch of
fuckers already staring at her. They’d decided to go out to a bar that had a
local band playing tonight. Well, Lauren had decided to go and had asked him to
come. Ace preferred staying in, preferably with her, but there were times he
went out, like when he’d went to see his longtime friend Toby, who had just lost
his dad. They’d gotten trashed, but it had been good for both of them to forget
about the negative shit their old men had laid on them.
He
scanned the room, trying to find a place for them to sit.
“Over
there, Ace.” She pointed to an empty table in the corner, and then started
pulling him through the crowd. A bunch of assholes turned and checked Lauren
out. She was hot, no doubt about it, especially with the long skirt she wore
that molded to her ass, and the shirt she wore that showed her perfect, big
breasts, ones he’d jerked off to many time like a damn pervert.
He
shook his head, glared at one asshole that was checking her out especially
hard, and when the guy lifted his brows and held up a hand, Ace felt a little
bit of pride at the surrender. She wasn’t his, maybe would never be his, but
that didn’t mean he liked other pricks checking her out lewdly, like she was
just a hole they could stick their dick in.
They
sat down at the table, and no more than five minutes later the band came on
stage. The crowd went wild, and Ace knew that many of the people here knew the
band personally. He’d heard of them around town, but he wasn’t into these
closed places where everyone was crammed in like damn sardines.
He
glanced at Lauren, saw her ordering some drinks from the waitress Ace hadn’t
even seen walk up, and when they were alone she learned forward and smiled
wider.
“I
know you hate going to things like this, but I’m glad I was able to get you to
come. I love hanging out with you.”
He
couldn’t help but smile, too. She was just so damn optimistic, so positive all
the time, that even when he was in his dark moments and she was near he
couldn’t help but feel the light that came from her. “You could ask me anything
and you know I’ll give it to you.” And that was the truth.
She
smiled even wider, showing off her straight white teeth, and grabbed his hand
and squeezed it. They stared at each other for a few seconds. Then the lights
dimmed and the music started playing. It wasn’t music he particularly liked,
but Lauren was singing along to it, and that made this all worth it. He looked
at her hair, the long strawberry blonde colored strands that she’d curled at
the ends and clipped up. The tiny diamond stud in her nose glinted when the
light caught it. God, she was so fucking gorgeous, and all he wanted to do was
be able to call her his.
After
about another ten minutes and three songs later, he excused himself to the
bathroom. Once inside he looked at himself in the cracked and dirty mirror. He
scrubbed a hand over his hair, moved it down his face, and scratched at his
cheek. His tattoos could be seen under the collar of his shirt, snaking up his
neck and moving to his shoulder and back His arms and chest, even his back was
covered in ink, something he’d done to try to black out his past, hide his
former life so he wasn’t constantly reminded of it when he looked down at his
flesh. But that
was
his former
life,
a world totally unlike what he was living now. But it
was hard to erase his memories, to just forget. He tried. Dammit, did he try,
though.
After
his old man died of a pill overdose, Ace had a lot of guilt on his plate. Ace
knew it wasn’t his that his dad was an abusing piece of shit. But that didn’t
make the emotions that came forth over the past any less real. Over time he’d
realized that shit happened that was out of his control. His old man had been a
drunk, a nasty fucking asshole that had thought beating up on his son, even at
a young, vulnerable age, was an okay thing to do.
He
pushed those thoughts out of his head and used the bathroom. After he washed
his hands he stared at himself again, wondering what would happen if he just
grew some balls and told Lauren how he felt about her. His biggest fear was
that things wouldn’t be the same, and that she’d say friends was all they could
be. She knew more about him than anyone, and surely that fucked up shit had to
have impacted her at some point, and at some level.
The
door to the bathroom opened, and a few guys came in, their slurred, loud words
telling him they were trashed.
“Dude,
did you see that girl dancing up by the stage?” one of the guys said.
“The one with the big fucking
tits and ass that pops?
How could I miss her? I don’t think any dude with fucking eyes could miss that
hot piece of ass.”
They
both started chuckling.
“Damn,
I’d like to stick my dick so far in her cunt she would be choking on it.” The
guys grinned.
Ace
faced them, crossed his arms, and waited for them to try to say some shit to
him. “You two assholes should watch your damn mouths. Show some motherfucking
respect.”
They
turned and looked at him, their eyes widening when they clearly saw he could
hold his own. Then they turned and left the bathroom without even going.
God, those two motherfuckers.
It was hard not to think about a
beautiful woman. Hell, he did it all the time about Lauren. But to boast about
it in a dirty fucking men’s room? Fuck no. Now, he needed to go out there and
make sure Lauren was safe, because who in the hell knew what dick was trying to
move in on her.
****
Lauren swayed to the music, the noise loud and
the singing all around her filling her head. She knew Ace didn’t like this
scene, but she wanted him to experience things with her. She’d definitely go
some place with him if he
asked,
even if it wasn’t a
place she cared about. And it was all because she just wanted to be with him.
He consumed her thoughts, and she knew she needed to tell him how she felt. If
she kept it in anymore she’d surely suffocate on it all. She just hoped it
didn’t tarnish things between them, because she’d rather have him in her life
as a friend than as nothing at all.
People
swayed together, grinding on each other, and the scent of sweat filled her
nose. The heat was intense, and sweat beaded between her breasts. She started
to breathe a little hard, felt dizzy, and knew she should sit and catch her
breath. But before she could move a male came up behind her and wrapped his
arms around her waist. He spun her around, pulled her close to his body, and
she felt his erection.
“I’ve
been watching you dance, swaying those nice hips around,
being
a little cock-tease.”
She
felt herself gag at his nasty beer breath, and the fact he thought it was okay
to talk to someone like that. “Learn some manners if you want to pick up a
woman, asshole,” she said and tried to push him away. He was drunk as well.
Hell, everyone in this place was, but that didn’t mean he could be
disrespectful.
“Come
on. I like that you’re so damn thick and curvy, like that you have these big
ass tits that I want to lick and suck.”
God,
what a fucking pig.
Now she was getting pissed. She shoved him back harder, but he tightened his
hold on her arms. “Get the fuck off or you’ll regret it, I swear.”
He
grinned.
“Smile
a little more and I’ll make sure to kick you in the balls so hard your shit
will come out of your mouth.” She didn’t mince her words, had taken some self
defense classes, and could handle herself if the time called for it.
He
moved backward, called her an uptight bitch, and turned around to leave her
alone. He moved away from the dance floor and toward the exit, and she watched
him, making sure he wasn’t going to try something else.
Breathing
out, she turned and faced the table, saw that Ace wasn’t there, and turned her
attention toward the back hallway where the bathrooms were. The tingling in the
back of her neck, and the way the hairs on her arms stood up told her she was
being watched. She searched the bar, tried to look over people’s heads, and
then she saw Ace. His face was a mask of anger, that darkness she saw in him on
occasion right there on the surface.
He
was focused on the front, and when she turned her head and saw the man that had
been pulling at her and grinding on her start to leave, she knew Ace had seen
him. Ace was very protective, and a part of her loved that he cared so much and
wanted to protect her, but he also had a lot of rage, and that rage could
consume him and burst outward.
He
was clenching his hands at his sides, his big body tense, and his muscles
straining under the white t-shirt he wore. He slowly moved forward, keeping his
body close the wall as he made his way out of the bar. Her heart thundered in
her chest, and she felt her forehead become moist with perspiration. She tried
yelling out for him, but the music was just too loud.
Before
he left out of the front door he looked at her again. She lifted her hand,
trying to get him to come to her, and to talk to her so she could calm him
down. But he shook his head, and walked out. She rushed to grab her purse,
because this was going from a perfect evening to a nightmare.
She
just hoped he wasn’t in that spot where he couldn’t focus on anything but
fighting.