Hidden in the Heart (36 page)

A shadow passed across his face and his eyes left hers. “Seems to be going around.”

Michelle pushed her fingers into the pockets of her jeans and sucked in a breath. As much as she wanted to reply to that, tell him what he wanted, needed, to hear, she couldn’t.

Not yet.

Chapter Thirty-Three

“Rick called again. And your dad.” James walked across the deck, Chance skittering after him, his nails clicking on the redwood. Their other dogs raced around the back lawn. Claire stretched out on a lounge chair, enjoying what was left of an Indian summer. She’d been trying to read, but the book held no interest.

Claire shielded her eyes from the afternoon sun and watched the pup roll down the steps to join his elders. They’d accepted him almost at once. She’d been a bit worried about bringing him back to Connecticut, but couldn’t bear to part with him.

“Claire? Did you hear me?”

“I heard you.” She picked up her book and flipped pages, having no idea where she’d left off. After coming home, she prayed daily for release of the pain that had returned to shroud her, yet it intensified. Eventually it bowed to bitterness and Claire had no idea what to do with that.

“You can’t ignore everyone for the rest of your life.” James’ insistent tone made her put down her book again. He sat forward, his eyes intent on capturing hers.

Claire made a face. “Why not?”

A smile slid across his mouth and he shook his head. “Because they love you. They’re human—they made mistakes. I’m not saying any of it was right, but it was years ago. Let it go.”

“I can’t.” Claire stood and went to the edge of the deck, gripping the warm wood railing. Shouts and splashing from the pool next door floated on the air. Tall trees, wild rose and holly bushes flanked their garden. James had mowed the lawn that afternoon and the smell of fresh cut grass still hung in the air.

The gurgling stream at the edge of the property normally soothed her. She even enjoyed hearing the kids having fun. Soon she’d be seeing the school bus drive past their house and the neighborhood would fall into that eerie silence for the majority of the day.

Jackson was getting ready to start Kindergarten. Darcie was a wreck but Jackson couldn’t wait. When they’d last talked he’d described his new
Cars
backpack in full, very lengthily detail.

Claire gave way to a sudden grin. Months ago she couldn’t have imagined she’d be standing here in her own home, her heart aching for a family she’d only just met, missing people she hadn’t even known existed. People who’d somehow managed to infiltrate every part of her, given her life new meaning.

She jumped as James came up behind her and wrapped her in his arms. Claire leaned back against him and inhaled the familiar scent of his cologne. “I guess I should talk to my dad,” she conceded. “He’s torn to pieces over this. You’re right. It was years ago. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in his shoes. I’m not sure I want to talk to Michelle though.”

Claire sighed and watched a flock of birds rise from the trees. Their strident tribute to the day filled the air as they flew off, a cloud of black disappearing into the horizon. “I thought things were supposed to be easier once you let God take the wheel.”

“I think you’re watching the wrong channel, babe.” James’ soft chuckle soothed her and coaxed a smile.

Claire turned in his embrace and slid her arms around his neck. “I love you.”

He grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. “You better.”

She waited a moment, just incase she changed her mind, but then she nodded and broadened her smile. “I’m ready, Jamie. I want to start trying for another baby.”

His eyes lit and filled with tears at the same time. He hadn’t pushed her since they’d gotten back together. Just waited patiently, as always. “Are you really sure?”

“Very sure.” A long forgotten joy slowly entered her heart once more and she laughed with the thrill of it. “So? What are you waiting for? A gold embossed invitation?”

“Now?” A wicked grin claimed his face and Claire’s laughter intensified.

“No time like the present, Mr. Ferguson.”

“Well, in that case…” He lifted her into his arms, yelled for the dogs, and took her inside, up to their bedroom.

Where she belonged.

~

“You are more stubborn than a mule at the bottom of a mountain.” Melanie stirred her tea and glared at Claire from across the table.

Claire bit into a chocolate chip cookie and glared back. “I didn’t ask you to come over here and be rude.”

“Since when do I need permission?” Melanie flashed the grin Claire had missed so much during her time in Bethel, but it reminded her of Darcie and her smile was short-lived. She picked up the latest drawing Jackson sent in the mail and traced the brightly colored house with her finger. He’d drawn the entire family, including ‘Gramma Shel’, and a big circle around an empty spot labeled ‘Clay-uh’.

Darcie seemed to be doing well and they were all elated with the news of Jackson’s test results. He showed no signs of Hepatitis whatsoever.

Melanie flicked through the stack of photographs Claire showed her earlier and gave a
soft laugh. “I still can’t get over this. Darcie looks so much like you. So does Jackson. He’s adorable. Don’t you have a picture of your mom?”

“She’s not my mom.” Claire tightened her hold around her mug and lowered her eyes.

“Claire.”

“Well, she isn’t.” Claire lifted her head and glowered at Melanie’s surprised expression. “You can call her Michelle or my birth mother. Anything else just feels wrong.”

“Fine. Michelle then. Do you have a picture of her?”

“No.”

“Just asking.” Melanie pushed the stack toward her with a smile. “I can tell you miss them a lot.”

“I guess.” They were the first thing she thought of each morning, the last before she went to bed and night. Claire went to the sink and started to stack dishes in the dishwasher. September had given way to the red and orange October leaves that scattered her driveway. She’d felt a distinct chill in the air as she went outside for the paper that morning.

“Do you think she told her parents what happened?”

“She did.” Claire plunged her hands into the soapy water and blinked. Across the street, two young mothers pushed strollers. A secret smile stretched her mouth. Just like last time, it hadn’t taken long. They’d gone to the obstetrician last week. Everything was fine and she told them to just relax. Claire didn’t intend to relax until this child was forty. Probably not even then.

“Explain to me how you’re talking to your dad, Rick, Darcie and your grandparents, but not Michelle? Claire, that’s really not fair.”

Claire dried her hands and faced Melanie, her eyes burning. “How is that not fair, Mel? I don’t have anything to say to her. She took money in exchange for me and walked away. It’s the worst thing anybody could do. If somebody offered you a pile of money for
Jaclyn, would you have taken it?”

“So you agree with what your father did? Paying Michelle off so he could keep you is fine, but her taking the money isn’t?” A sly smile flitted over Melanie’s mouth.

Claire sank into her chair again and groaned. She went round in circles with it until nothing made sense. “I don’t know, Mel. I guess it’s just easier to forgive someone you’ve known your whole life. I know my dad loves me—not that what he did was right, but I can understand his motives. Hers…I don’t understand.”

“She probably doesn’t either.” Melanie’s sigh sounded sad and filled with regret. “Oh, Claire. You must have some idea of what Michelle went through, losing you. Think of how she must have felt, knowing she’d never get to see you, hold you or watch you grow up. And the guilt of what she did on top of it.”

“Stop it, Mel.” Claire clenched her fists on the table and studied cookie crumbs. She wouldn’t be coerced into feeling sorry for the woman. Michelle didn’t deserve her forgiveness.

But she’d asked for it.

“You’re the one who wanted to find her,” Melanie pointed out. Claire’s face burned as she held her tears at bay, but she forced herself to meet her friend’s gaze. Melanie went on. “We agreed you had know way of knowing what you were walking into, that you’d just have to accept whatever you found, remember?”

“Yes.” Claire did remember. But there was something else, something that bothered her no end, something she’d never expressed to anyone. “Do you think all of this was God’s will, Mel? I mean, I just kind of jumped into this, you know. I didn’t pray about it, I never asked Him if I should do it. Maybe all the pain and heartache I’m feeling now is because of that.”

Melanie smiled and shook her head. “I don’t believe for a minute that anything we do
surprises God. Look at the circumstances. Sure, your story isn’t an easy one to accept, but look at all the good that’s come out of it.”

Claire couldn’t deny that. A smile lifted her spirits for an instant. “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

Melanie seemed to hesitate, then smiled. “I found a Bible verse, not long after we first talked about you searching. I wanted to share it with you before you left, but I knew you weren’t ready. Can I tell you now?”

“Sure.” Claire sighed, sat back and waited.

Melanie cleared her throat and quoted from memory, in a clear voice that held conviction. “ ‘
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
’ It’s a verse from the book of Isaiah.”

Claire swallowed down the lump in her throat and nodded. “Thanks, Mel.” The verse spoke volumes. Mel was right. God
had
been there from the beginning, and He would not abandon her now.

Jaclyn’s happy chortles carried through from the den where James and Steve were watching the afternoon game. The baby was crawling at high speed, pulling to stand every now and then. She’d definitely be walking before her first birthday.

Claire pushed her hair behind her ears and wiped away her tears. “I feel like I caused them all so much pain, Mel.” The admission, once said, was strangely freeing. She’d needed to say it for a while. “As much as I want to be part of their lives, at the same time I wonder if it’s better that I’m not.”

Melanie put out her hand and Claire took it. Shouts from the den ensued as the Red Sox got a home run. Normally they would be in there watching too, but today Claire needed time alone with Mel.

Melanie shook her head, her mouth drawn. “If you hadn’t searched, you wouldn’t know your grandparents. You wouldn’t know you had a sister, or a nephew. You wouldn’t have Rick.” A grin squished her nose and lifted her freckles. “Oh, Claire, do you think for a moment that any of them wish this hadn’t happened?”

Did she? Claire remembered Rick’s panicked messages at the end of August, after she’d returned to Connecticut. It had taken her a couple of weeks to call him back. When she had, he’d almost cried with relief at the sound of her voice. Of course in the next breath he was chewing her out for not calling, but you couldn’t have everything.

Darcie wanted her to come to Bethel for Thanksgiving. Jessie and Mac mentioned it too, each time they spoke. Not in a pushy way, but in a way that told her she was loved.

Wanted.

“I do miss them, Mel. So much.” Grief choked her and made further speech impossible. In the secret place in her mind, where she allowed her dreams and memories to live, Claire thought about a house on the lake.

“You know,” Mel looked thoughtful as she played with a spoon. “Steve and James are always talking about expanding the company. I’ve been thinking that Maine seems like a pretty good place to set up a new branch.”

Her friend’s perceptive smile told Claire she’d been mind reading again. Only two people in this world could read her mind.

Rick Matthews and the fiery redhead across the table.

Claire pretended to shrug off the idea. With her father’s wedding planned, she had wondered at the possibility, but dared go no further than her daydreams…

Dad and Eleanor planned to travel extensively once they were married. James’ family was always busy, but they’d definitely protest their moving. Maybe. Still, Maine wasn’t that far. But leaving Connecticut would mean leaving Mel…

Guilt pricked her at the sight of the tears in Melanie’s eyes.

“You should talk to Jamie,” Melanie said softly. “If you put off moving until after the baby comes, I’ll never let you go.”

“How did you know?”

Melanie stood and rounded the table until she was beside her and hugged her tight. “How could I not know? You’ve been wearing that goofy grin for the past two weeks.” She kissed the top of Claire’s head and stepped back. “Besides, my brother never could keep a secret.”

“The rat.” Claire got to her feet, already battling nausea. She pulled Mel into another long hug. “Pray as hard as you can, Mel. I know this pregnancy is right, but I’m scared.”

“Don’t be.” Melanie smiled through her tears and somehow managed to look reassuring. “I have a feeling it’s going to be just fine this time.”

“Yes.” Claire felt the agreement in her spirit—warmth that flooded her completely. Liquid gold. That still small voice that whispered in her ear and told her to cast aside all fear and just believe.

And she did.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Michelle trudged through the crisp leaves even as more swirled from the high branches of the trees that shrouded the sandy path she walked along. As she climbed higher, lush pines presided over the area. They scattered cones on the ground and filled the air with their heady scent, reminding her that Christmas was just a couple of months away.

This year would be so different.

Her breath rose in a fine mist around her as the trail narrowed and there were more rocks to climb. Michelle pushed her gloved hands further into the pockets of her fleece.

It had been many years since she had walked this way.

She stopped in her tracks and took in the sight of the new home before her. The ramshackle three-room cabin she remembered Rick’s grandparents owning had been replaced by a sprawling two-story structure constructed of thick pine logs and smooth round stones. Long windows were framed in green shutters. The spacious front porch displayed a couple of his swan sculptures. Two large urns filled with bright Gerber daises, still blooming, sat at the top of the stairs. And two Adirondack chairs, one blue, one red, were positioned around the side that she knew faced the lake. Jazz lay just outside the front door.